The next few days passed in a blur of confusion, classes and homework for Bess.
When she'd arrived at dinner the night after the party, Sirius had stared at her with a weird expression on his face. Before she could go to him and see what was wrong, Jo had grabbed her and pulled her over to where the girls sat. Throughout dinner he'd continued to stare at her, until James and Remus had pulled him away. The whispers in the Great Hall had been almost overwhelming.
She'd wanted to ask what was going on, but it was like the sight of Sirius kissing another girl was now burned into her retinas. As much as she was okay with it, or at least, understood that she had no right to be jealous or angry, she couldn't help but feel weird about it all.
The girls had distracted her that mealtime, and then the week's classes had begun. She'd shaken off the weird feeling by Monday afternoon as, she'd realised happily, Sirius didn't have a new girlfriend so she wouldn't have to see him snogging anyone in front of her.
However, by Tuesday evening it became apparent that Sirius was avoiding her. She felt like she could feel him staring at her in their classes, at mealtimes, and in the common room, but if she looked his way, he was looking out of a window, at his parchment, or at the floor.
If they had to work on a class project together, he kept his distance and barely spoke to her. If she walked down a corridor he was already in, he walked the other way.
She'd taken to working in the library until almost-curfew and then walking back to the tower with Mary or Skye, just to distract herself. It had only been four days without Sirius' company but she was already missing him hopelessly.
Her homework and duelling research, however, was going amazingly well and, apart from the name calling, she was still managing to avoid any harm from other students for now. Though that may have also been down to a few well placed protego charms on her part.
By Wednesday evening though, Bess had had enough, and skipped dinner altogether, opting to stay in the common room, choosing instead to lay down on a sofa by the fire, cuddle a cushion and read the latest edition of Witch Weekly that she'd borrowed from Mary.
About 15 minutes after the dinner bell had rung, Sirius had burst in to the common room, and run straight upstairs.
She'd watched as James ran in after him, and waved to the second boy. He'd stopped in his tracks with a look of relief on his face, nodded at her, and then waited for Sirius to come back.
When Sirius had re-entered the room, he'd been holding a large piece of parchment in his hand. He'd been looking at it while walking, and had stopped suddenly in the middle of the common room, frowning down at it, before he looked up sharply and stared at her.
As he looked at her, she'd had half a mind to slap him and tell him to stop being such a prat, but she hadn't wanted to completely obliterate their friendship if there was any chance of him speaking to her again.
Instead, she'd stared back, until finally, James had cleared his throat and Sirius had followed him out of the portrait hole.
She'd immediately retreated to her bed, curling up with a couple of past editions of the magazine, and a large box of chocolate frogs.
xXx
As she walked round the corner to the entrance hall the next morning, Bess found herself walking behind the Marauders, who were also on their way to breakfast.
Bess was late, having decided to have a longer shower than usual. The boys were just late risers.
"- just chocolate!" James' voice echoed through the hall.
"It's not though-" Remus replied. He was walking with his shoulders drooped.
"Bloody hell Moony, I told you I'll go for a walk tonight and get you more." Sirius snapped.
Remus sighed heavily. "I need some now. You know I get tired more."
It's the full moon tomorrow, she thought to herself.
Sirius groaned. "Merlin. Look, I'm sorry mate, I didn't think to check how much you had left. I just-" he let out a frustrated noise, and continued in a more teasing tone, "it's your own fault really, you're the one who always says to eat chocolate when you feel like shit."
"I know." Remus replied, and Bess could hear the smile in his voice. She watched as he flung and arm around his friend's shoulder. "Has she talked to you yet?"
"No. I'm- I don't..." he trailed off and ran a hand through his dark locks.
James slapped a hand on his back and said "tomorrow'll get your mind off it!"
"It?"
"Her."
Not wanting to hear any more, and feeling like she was trespassing, Bess turned around and walked the other way. She headed back to her dorm room slowly, enjoying the emptiness of the halls.
It was only after she'd grabbed what she was looking for, that she realised that she'd have to run to get to the Potions classroom in time.
As she ran up to the classroom door, she could see Slughorn beginning to close it. His rule was: you're late if I've already closed my door. And so far, Bess hadn't been late.
"Ah, Miss Coulson!" He cried as she stopped in front of him, trying to catch her breath. "In a hurry?"
"Sorry sir," she panted as she walked in to the classroom and over to her cauldron. She noticed Sirius putting away the large piece of parchment and frowned. Who is he always looking for?
"Not to worry, not to worry! You're lucky I was distracted! I would've had to have taken five points!" He said with a smile and a wag of his finger.
Bess, who was still panting while shrugging off her outer robe and blazer, smiled at him before pulling off her jumper and tucking her shirt, which had raised to her midriff as she took off her jumper, back into her skirt as she sat down. James and Remus had been looking the other way, and she was glad they hadn't noticed.
She ignored the feeling that Sirius was looking at her again, she was sure he wasn't, as she loosened her tie, undid the first button of her shirt, tilted her head back, and fanned herself with her hand while she caught her breath.
"You okay?" Lily asked in a whisper once she was breathing normally again less than a minute later.
Bess nodded and began pulling her equipment out of her bag. Today's class looked like a lecture, rather than a practical, and she was grateful for the chance to sit down.
"Remus," she hissed in a whisper. He looked up at her and, as Slughorn walked to the front of the class, she grabbed the large package she'd taken from her dorm room and chucked it at him.
He frowned down at the package before a shocked look came over his face. He mouthed "is this why you were late?"
Bess nodded in response, and mouthed back "had to run. Eat some," before pulling out her quill and starting to write down what was written on the board.
She heard a faint snap as Remus took a bit of the giant chocolate bar.
"Bess," he hissed across the table.
Luckily, Slughorn was too busy chatting to a Hufflepuff to notice the exchange.
She looked up and frowned as he held the bar out to her. "I'm okay," she whispered with a shake of the head.
"No, here. It's yours," he whispered back.
Bess cocked her head to the side, raised an eyebrow, and stared at him with wide eyes until he slowly took the chocolate back, smiled, and deposited it into his bag. She let out a "mhmm", and dipped her quill in her ink pot.
"That was really nice of you." Sirius whispered. She looked up at him.
"Talking to me again are you?" She asked moodily, keeping her voice down.
After a moment, he frowned and said "the girls told me I couldn't- that you wouldn't-"
"Wouldn't and couldn't what?"
"Because of the party... what you saw..."
"What I saw was you kissing someone. I don't understand how in god's name that escalates to you ignoring me and acting like I'm a leper, but please... explain your side to me."
Sirius' eyes widened in disbelief. "I- I thought you wouldn't want to talk to me."
"Why?"
"Because... well... I kissed someone else."
"I don't think you're the first person to have a drunken kiss, Sirius." Bess whispered impatiently.
"Wait, so you're not angry with me?"
"Wh- why would I be angry with you? Have you been avoiding me because you decided I was mad?" It was like all of the annoyance she'd had over the past few days fell away. If the girls were involved, he probably wouldn't have been able to get a word in edgeways.
"Uh-" Sirius bit his lip and looked at the ceiling. "Merlin. Yes. You- you don't care?"
"Honesty bubble?" She asked slowly.
"Honesty bubble." He replied, looking at her again.
"I will admit I was jealous, but I have no right to be. We're not together and you can do whatever you want." She whispered, looking down at her parchment.
"You were?" Sirius asked as he leant towards her.
Bess decided Potions wasn't the place to talk about her feelings, and whispered back, "are you or are you not Sirius probably-a-stupid-star-themed-middle-name Black?" She asked, trying to break the tension.
He sent her a small half smile as he replied. "I take offence to th-"
"Are you or are you not?" She asked again, leaning even closer to him so they were only a hair's breadth away.
She could see Sirius' pupils dilate, as they flickered quickly across her face before he finally looked back in to her eyes. "I am."
"And did we not talk at the beach about how you're an absolute idiot who has zero game with the ladies?"
"Actually, we said Jame- sorry. We did."
"Right. So once you apologise for being an arse and we have a chat about everything, we can be friends again if you want." With that, she pulled back and turned to face the front again.
"I'm s-" he began to whisper.
"Not here! Christ. How insincere do you want to look?" She whispered back, shooting him a glare and rolling her eyes.
When she turned around again, she made eye contact with Lily and smiled and winked. Lily grinned back at her and they began to take their notes.
She felt lighter than she had all week, and this time, when she felt him looking at her, she turned, and he was. Each time she'd catch him, they'd share a smile before going back to their notes.
xXx
After their double Defence Against The Dark Arts lesson with Jasper, Bess had suggested Sirius and she go for a walk to chat. They'd grabbed some lunch from the Great Hall and were now sat in a window seat down a deserted corridor.
"So you thought I was kissing Scott... so you decided to get your own back by kissing someone else?" Bess asked with narrowed eyes.
"Uh- I guess? I don't know anymore. I- well." Sirius took a deep breath and fiddled with the apple in his hand.
"You don't have-"
"I do. Now even more than ever, I need you to know what was going on in my head. It's- there's something about you. It's like I don't even need to try, I just trust you completely. So it's like I'm looking for reasons not to." He looked around as he spoke, a frown on his face.
"That makes sense."
"It does?" He asked quickly, looking at her.
"I think so..." Bess said, trailing off as she brought her legs up, tucking her knees under her chin and wrapping her arms around her shins. "But then again, I might not be the best judge of character!"
"Remus said you'd listen..."
"Why is Remus your authority on women? Does he even have a girlfriend?" She asked, cocking her head to the side."
"Uh- no, but he uh- well, he's just a bit more perceptive than James and me, and... he told James to write a letter this summer and uh- well, the recipient has been nice to him this year. He just seems to know what to do."
"You mean he doesn't stick his foot in it all the time?" She asked quietly, looking down at her knees.
"You're right. I thought you were hurting me. So I- I tried to do the same to you. All it ended up doing was proving I don't deserve-" he stopped mid sentence and shook his head. After a moment's pause, he added quietly, "I can't believe you got Rubis to go out with Bowmarket. They've been tiptoeing around that one for years."
Bess, who was still thinking about what he'd been trying to say, stared out of the open window and watched the owls flying around the lake.
They were silent for over five minutes. Bess could feel Sirius staring at her again, but she didn't look at him.
"I'm sorry," Sirius said finally.
Bess didn't look at him as she took a deep breath and then replied in soft voice, "you have to stop it. Whether it does hurt me or not, whether you trust me or not, you have to know that I would never knowingly hurt you, and I can't explain to you why or how, but I will always try and protect you and our friends.
"But you have to give me something in return. You have to treat me with respect. You can't just jump to the conclusion that I've hurt you so you can just throw me away."
"I don't. I- you're not disposable to me. This summer, when I saw you in Diagon Alley... I'd been having a terrible time and... seeing you? Our chat? It was like something in me woke up again. Like I could keep going.
"I keep thinking you're going to shove me away or get rid of me, but every time you give me another chance. Another chance to be better. To do better. I don't- I'm not- I'm worried I'm not worth it."
"You are." Bess said quietly, still staring out the window. "After we first met I thought you'd be more confident than this though."
"I am normally. Something about you brings out a side I've only ever shown to Remus, James and Peter. Even then, more James than anyone else."
"It's ok to be vulnerable."
"Emotions aren't okay in my family. Push them down, repress them. It's all we do. I-"
"You said I was being emotional a couple of times." She whispered.
"I know. I've thought about that a lot. I think I couldn't handle the fact that I was upset or- or angry, or- or I that I care so much what you think of me. So I lashed out."
Bess simply nodded, now watching the giant squid reach its tentacles out of the lake to try and grab an owl.
"Bess?" He asked quietly. When she didn't reply, he asked again, "love?"
Bess took a deep breath in and finally turned to him. Her eyes were filled with unshed tears. "When this all happens, it makes me want to run away, to go home. But I can't. I've tried to find a way to, but I don't think I can go back.
"I'm stuck here and it feels like I'm clinging on with no idea what's going on. I even had to get Lily to explain what a Mudblood is to me. I feel like I've forgotten all of these majorly significant, but little, things and one of these days it's going to be my downfall.
"And then you ignore me, or push me away, and it's like someone's come along to finish the job and push me over the side."
They feel in to silence again, before Bess spoke again.
"Why did you go up against that Slytherin the other week?" She asked quietly.
"You're going to be so... ashamed... of me. I- James and I were walking past and I heard someone asking you out. I just saw red. So when Fawley went to hex me, I just- I just let it out."
"Why did you see red?"
"Because- because- and I know you're not, but... you're- you're the girl in Diagon Alley. In the Three Broomsticks. In Madam Malkin's. You're my- you're my dre- you're min-"
The school bell rang, interrupting Sirius' words. He didn't continue, and Bess simply sighed. She wiped her eyes and picked up her bag.
With a flick of his wand, Sirius got rid of their lunch.
"I have History of Magic." Bess said, pointing in one direction. She was sure he had Arithmancy, which was in a different direction.
"I'll walk you." He said, slinging his bag over his shoulder.
"No, you should go find James and the boys."
"You have a terrible knowledge of this castle, and I'm pretty sure you don't even know where we are." He said with a small chuckle. "Let me walk you?"
Bess sighed deeply, dropped her bag, closed her eyes with a frown, and rubbed her eyes before crossing her arms around her waist.
She just needed a second - she didn't know how to feel. She'd just opened up to him and felt incredibly vulnerable. Knowing that he'd intentionally hurt her... She could rationalise it but it still hurt.
Sirius gave her a moment before she heard the thud of his bag hitting the floor and he reached out to her. She felt his hands cup her face and felt him step in front of her.
When she didn't move away from him, she felt his breath on her face as he moved even closer.
Slowly, he nuzzled her cheek with his nose and she gasped slightly. She felt him stop, and could feel his lips just inches away from her.
"Love?" She heard him whisper, his breath fanning across her face.
"Pads?" She replied, still not opening her eyes as she moved her hands to his chest.
Using his nickname was her test - if he was okay with that, then he trusted her enough for her to believe that he would try not to hurt her again - he'd said only his closest friends called him that.
It was his turn to gulp before he took a deep breath.
Torturously slowly, he placed a light kiss on her cheek, followed by another lower down her cheek, another on her chin, another on the tip of her nose, and then, finally, she knew he was going to kiss her.
She could almost feel his lips on hers as his nose brushed against hers. She opened her mouth slightly as he tilted her head up, sliding one hand into her mass of curls, the other moving to the back of her neck.
"Padfoot?" Called James as he walked up behind Sirius.
Bess' eyes shot open. She could have laughed. Of course. With a sad smile she stepped back and gently pulled Sirius' hands down.
"Oh shit, sorry! I'll come back." James said as he finally reached them and took in the scene in front of him. Sirius hadn't taken his eyes off Bess.
"No, that's- that's okay. I have a class." She said, smiling through her still-tear-filled vision at the bespectacled git who now stood behind Sirius.
She didn't want Sirius to lose any time with James, so knew they'd have to continue this later. Though, she had a feeling that for her, the moment had passed. She'd need a lot more time to rebuild that level of trust.
"Love," Sirius said, staring at her, and trying to pull his wrist out of her grip so he could reach for her again.
"History of Magic," she said, stepping further back still, dropping his wrists, and pointing to herself, "Arithmancy." She said, pointing at the boys.
She nodded, picked up her bag, and walked past them, retracing their earlier steps until she found herself in the Entrance Hall. She could find her way to History of Magic from there.
"Bess?" She pursed her lips, took a deep gasping breath, and smiled.
"Hey! How are you?" She asked the sandy haired boy in front of her.
"Good... are you okay?" He asked back.
"I- I will be. Uh- I've got class." She said distractedly, pointing up the grand staircase. She nodded and took another deep breath, sending Remus a small smile, before she set off.
For the whole of her lesson she was distracted, staring at the board, thinking about what Sirius had said about his actions.
She didn't manage to take any notes that day.
She had a free period after the class, and so found herself wandering around the castle aimlessly, trying to get rid of the sinking feeling in her gut.
As she turned a corner, she almost collided with someone.
"Merlin!" Came a deep voice.
"I'm so sorry!" Bess gasped, bending down to pick up the stack of parchment which the man had dropped.
As she stood up, she realised exactly who she'd walked into - Professor Selket. They stared at each other for minutes before she spoke.
"Sir..."
He didn't reply at first, he just frowned deeply and took a deep breath, steeling himself. "B- B- Bess." He managed to stammer out.
"I'm sorry." She said, as her face scrunched up and she began to cry. It was just the last straw, seeing Selket, and her emotions poured out.
"No." He replied, standing up straight and gasping, tears of his own welling in his eyes. "No. I- I haven't- I'm sorry. Lu- Lucas-" he gasped out. "Lucas asked me to- to teach- to protect- to protect you. I can't-"
"Sir."
"I can't even- I can't even look at you and-"
"You're talking to me like you know me..."
Selket looked at her. He looked confused. "You don't know me?"
Bess shook her head slowly. She could feel the tears running down her face as she spoke, "I thought you knew. They... I was obliviated. It... it took everything. I- uhm-" she began to stammer under his suddenly intense gaze. "I've taught myself everything I know. I don't remember you, Lucas... my parents. Did we know each other?"
"I went too far." He whispered.
"What?"
"I- it was me. I- I was the one who obliviated you. If- no one told you?"
Bess shook her head.
"I shouldn't have. I just couldn't handle the screaming. They- they- they thought it was the best thing to do and I pretended I could- I could do it. I- I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm- I'm so sorry you had to see all of that."
"He was a good man."
"Then why...?"
"I can't- I can't speak to you anymore. Not- not today. I- Merlin. I need a drink." He looked around and wiped his eyes roughly before staring at the floor, and finally taking the stack of parchment from her hand.
"Sir?" Bess asked, tears still streaming down her face as she stared at the portrait behind Selket.
"Yes?"
"If I wasn't in the sixth year class, w- w- would you teach them? The s- s- students I mean."
"Yes."
"If I promise you I won't go to any classes other than the T- T- Thursday l- l- lessons with Jasper, will you teach them?"
She couldn't believe she hadn't thought about it before. His problem was with her, not with the others. This way, at least she'd be taught some of the curriculum and have some practical practice, rather than everyone suffering - the other sixth year class filled with Slytherins and Hufflepuffs had a five week head start on her friends since Selket had been teaching them.
"Yes."
"Okay." Bess nodded slowly, wiping away her tears and taking in a deep, shaky breath before whispering to herself, "I taught myself the OWL curriculum. I can do the same for NEWTs."
Selket simply nodded and walked past her.
Bess stood in the hallway for what seemed like hours, before the portrait she'd been staring at finally moved and asked her to leave.
She continued to wander aimlessly. When the bell rang, she chose to head back to her dorm room and stare at the ceiling of her four poster bed, rather than stay in the common room or go to dinner.
When Lily and the girls came back to the dorm, they sat or stood around her bed.
"Sirius asked me to see if you were okay." Lily said softly.
"Uh- yeah. We had a long chat." She whispered in reply, a frown playing on her face. She could feel the dry tear marks running down her face - she'd cried until she felt numb. She was still in her uniform, staring up at the ceiling. "I spoke to Selket earlier. He's going to teach our lessons again. Will you spread the word?"
"Of course. That's why... do you want to talk about it?"
"No. Not really." She whispered back.
"What do you need?" Mary asked.
"Time and space. I think."
"We'll be in the common room if you need us." Jo said, before leading the girls out of the room.
"Thank you." Bess said as Jo began to close the door.
"For what?"
"For not asking what happened with Selket."
"That's what friends are for." She replied, before closing the door.
xXx
The next day, Bess managed to put a brave face on, and adhered to her now-usual routine - breakfast with the girls, double charms, double transfiguration, lunch with the incredibly happy new couple, Grace and Scott, and their friends, before double Potions, then dinner with her dorm mates.
This was all made easier by the absence of the boys at dinner. They'd disappeared immediately after Potions, and she knew exactly where they'd been heading. Remus hadn't been in classes for most of the day.
She just hoped tonight was an okay moon for Remus, and reminded herself not to go for a much-needed anxiety-relieving walk until at least dawn.
She tossed and turned that night, barely able to sleep, and watched the dawn break over the mountains out of the window by Lily's bed.
Finally, she thought it would be light enough, and she reached into her trunk, pulling out thick socks, walking boots, leggings, a sports bra, a tank top, and an off the shoulder jumper. It would show some of the scar down her right arm, but she didn't think anything of it - she could just pull it up and across if she bumped into anyone.
She got changed behind her bed curtains and then, as quietly as possible, tip toed out of the room, putting on her boots when she got to the common room.
She practically ran through the portrait hole and down the endless flights of stairs until finally, she pushed open the main doors and gasped the fresh air as if it were the first air she'd breathed in years. Eyes closed, head back, she leant against the door basking in the fresh morning air.
After a minute, she nodded to herself, pinched the bridge of her nose, rubbed her face, groaned loudly, and set off down the steep path that led to the lake.
xXx
A/N:
Thank you to Pewz, Lavendor Queen, and Guest (thank you so much! I have a plan for them, don't worry, they just keep getting closer in my head and I'm trying to push them back a little bit!) for your reviews!