Author's Note: Here goes! This chapter sort of just came to me in a moment of inspiration and instead of mulling it over a few days and editing it to my satisfaction, I'm just gonna release it to the wild. Apologies if the grammar or flow seems off, I just don't care to reread it and potentially start to hate it, when I've fallen in love with what I had written.
Would love to hear your thoughts!
WARNING: DESCRIPTIONS OF TORTURE, HINTS AT RAPE, PTSD, DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. RATED M FOR A REASON.
TRIGGER WARNING
Ah, of the simple comforts a well-worn shinobi bar could provide, cheap sake was at the top of Kakashi's list, besides of course a female companion. But alas, it being nearly noon had it's disadvantages. With nothing to occupy his mind, his thoughts rapidly returned to his pink-haired kunoichi.
Kakashi had seen neither hide nor hair of his little pink-haired kunoichi for two weeks now, and to say he was worried was an understatement. Rationally, he knew he shouldn't be, as Bull was at her side, but that thought didn't even begin to scratch the itch inside his skull to see her. Would it be strange for him to show up at her doorstep? Probably. They hadn't yet talked about the circumstances of her disappearance. Hell, she hadn't even talked period.
His lips turned downward as they were pressed into the edge of his cup, the odor from the liquor assaulting his sensitive nose. Not that he cared for his own discomfort at this time. Would she ever trust him again? Likely not, he concluded. He had failed her many, many times and with his luck, he would just disappoint her again.
The more he drank, the more reckless his thoughts regarding the kunoichi became and the less he cared for proper social protocols. Kakashi needed to scratch the itch that had been magnified under his drunken state. Abruptly, he stood, scrapping the wooden chair against the flooring earning him a glance from the barkeep who merely nodded at the ryo that was flung onto the countertop.
He barely managed to get to the door before it was brutishly shoved open and the slug-sannin herself stalked inside, grabbing him by his jonin vest and tugging him towards a secluded booth. In his drunken haze, he let himself be manhandled, wisely opting not to have his every bone broken and reset by his commander. Especially when she was in a foul mood.
"Hatake." She grumbled, snapping her fingers to the bartender who hurriedly brought a chilled bottle of top-shelf sake.
"Tsunade-sama." He hoped his words weren't as slurred as they had sounded to his own ears.
"You love her." The blonde raised the bottle to her lips, disregarding the two sake cups the bartender had provided, the whole while, her honey colored eyes never leaving his face. Kakashi blinked slowly, his mask hiding the slight part of his mouth as he tried to comprehend her words.
"Sakura, you love her." She repeated, slamming the bottle on the table. She knew Kakashi was drunk, which was why this was the perfect opportunity to corner him into the truth. "Don't deny it." She added, sliding the bottle to her new drinking partner.
Kakashi remained silent as he reached for the bottle and pressed it against his clothed lips.
"I've seen how you grieved for her death, how broken you were. She nearly destroyed you." She chuckled, though there was no humor behind it.
"Sakura was my student and my teammate." Kakashi stated needlessly. He couldn't deny he felt things for her, though something as strong as love had not even crossed his mind. And now, his inebriated thoughts were running wild with this new possibility. Did he love her? Could he even love at all?
Tsunade hummed a small agreement to his statement. Her sharp eyes watched his heavy gulps of the smooth sake, greasing his wheels even further. "Do you want to know when I knew?" Her grin was feral, like a Cheshire cat with a mouse dangling from its' paws. Kakashi wisely said nothing, pushing the bottle towards it's rightful owner. "When you were partners in ANBU, one day I saw you both walking down the streets… You looked happy, Kakashi. You both did." Kakashi froze. "You both deserve to be happy, you know."
The former Hokage's grin sobered slightly and she took a manly swig of the sake, ignoring the exasperation from the barkeeper over the duo's lack of decorum in regards to the expensive drink. "Think about it Kakashi." She left the half-drank bottle on the table (and the bill) with Kakashi and disappeared out of the establishment.
No, no, no. He did not want to think about it. But she planted the thought and it had taken root and entangled every corner of his mind. All his memories contained glimpses of her and now they were all tainted with the question of 'what if'. His hand reached absently to the bottle neck, his body instinctively working to find a remedy to those pesky things called emotions.
How, or rather when, he had reached the front door to her apartment, he had honestly no idea. His body was in an alcohol-induced autopilot and it had brought him here. It was a terrible idea. He should leave and attempt contact at a later point. Perhaps when he was sober and perhaps when the slug-sannin's suggestions weren't so freshly sloshing around in his skull.
The door opened, the pinkette in question standing silently in the doorway, watching him cautiously with raised eyebrows. She must have sensed his chakra signature hovering there. If this wasn't bordering on pathetic, he didn't know what was. Her lithe frame stepped to the side and he walked past her into the small living room.
She must have smelled the alcohol on him, but she didn't comment, or rather she wouldn't. Couldn't? His sloshed mind couldn't even give him an answer. Had she spoken with Ino yet? Or Naruto? Oh Kami, had she spoken with Tsunade? He wasn't even sure how he felt and he prayed Tsunade kept her suspicions to herself. Oh that woman would have a field day with the knowledge that he had shown up, intoxicated of all things, in her apartment.
"You look well." He felt like absolute shit, the walls swaying around him and gravity pulling at his shoulders. This time, he knew he was slurring his words. He stared at her, drinking in her appearance. She really did look better. Her frame had filled out even more, though the muscles were still not as defined beneath her skin. Where her skin was once translucent, it now took on a healthier creamy sheen, for which he was glad for, though the color made her scars more pronounced in comparison. Everything about her radiated with a healthy glow, from her skin, to her hair, and even her viridian eyes.
Stop staring, Hatake. He blinked stupidly instead. Bull materialized out of thin air, pushing hard enough against his legs to make him stumble backwards and into the couch. He glared at the ninken who ignored the look to trot over to the kunoichi, who had shut the door and busied herself in the kitchen.
It was a comfortable sort of quiet that overtook the apartment. Kakashi simply watched her silently complete tasks around the kitchen. Every once in a while she would turn, make eye contact before returning to whatever it was that she was doing. He barely even registered the savory smell that wafted through the apartment, his senses clinging to the smell that was so very Sakura it was painful.
He closed his visible eye, leaning his gray head against the back of the couch to let gravity pull him deeper and deeper into the plush couch. Hopefully it would engulf him entirely and he could be spared from feeling things.
It was not to be. He felt something warm brush against his shoulder, lightly nudging him with no real force behind it. Had he fallen asleep? Likely. His stomach gurgled and he cracked open his eye, turning his still resting head towards the side. Sluggishly, his exposed eye creased, and crinkled into his signature 'happy face'.
His silent couch partner sighed, bringing a steaming plate of rice and curry underneath his nose. Oh how delicious it smelled, though the thought of eating made his stomach turn sour. "Ma, ma, Sakura-chan, you spoil me." He rasped, throat not quite unaffected by the burn of alcohol.
A small smile cracked at the kunoichi's lips and he quickly found the plate abandoned in his lap as the woman retreated once more to the kitchen. He appreciated the fact that she still allowed him the privacy of his mask, even with knowing the intricacies of his face intimately. They were perfect partners, each with their particular complementing strength and weakness. She could still, after all this time, read him like an open book.
He chose to savor this meal, partially because his stomach wouldn't tolerate a scarfing at the moment, and because her cooking really was quite enjoyable. Don't get him wrong, she wasn't winning awards for her culinary excellence anytime soon. More times than not, her cooking contained a hint of char but it was not an unwelcome taste for him, not anymore. Said woman kept her back to him for the entirety of the meal, eating her own meal at the table in silence.
With his plate sufficiently empty and his stomach almost irritatingly full, the silver-haired man brought his plate to the sink politely. Let it not be known that Kakashi, for all the smut he read in public, was not a gentleman. He turned to regard the kunoichi as he leaned against the sink. He watched her mechanically raise the fork to her mouth, precisely three chews per bite, followed by a swallow. Every five bites followed an almost compulsive sip of water.
He had never noticed this particular pattern to her eating before and it made his lips pull down into a frown. Kakashi folded his arms over her chest, and began to watch her more closely now that the alcohol haze was lifting from his senses.
Even indoors she wore a long sleeved, cowl turtleneck, hiding most of her skin beneath layers of black and long black sweatpants complete with socks. Save for her face and fingertips, every inch of her was carefully concealed. A quick glance at her apartment revealed nothing, though he did notice the blankness of the canvas. Her hand hovered around her water glass, her viridian gaze snapping up to his observant midnight black eyes.
What should he even say? He cleared his throat, considerately covering his mouth with a closed fist, buying himself a few extra seconds to come up with something to say. "Bathroom?" He jerked a thumb to a closed door that housed the washroom and the kunoichi nodded needlessly. They lived in the same apartments, with identical floor plans. Of course it was the bathroom. Pushing off the countertop, he made a few less-than-graceful strides to the bathroom, cursing his utter stupidity to day-drink himself into such a state.
Smooth move, Hatake. He turned the handle to the faucet to the coldest setting, letting the water splash inside the basin for a few seconds before leaning down to push his face under the stream. He sputtered a second against the frigidity of the water before leaning back and taking a handful of water in the palm of his hand and gulping it down. He needed to sober up, fast, before he did something incredibly stupid.
Kakashi slammed the handle into the off position, stretching up to his full height to catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Only to find, there was no mirror. There had been, at one time, judging from the discolorations in the wall. He frowned. Regardless of her scars, she was and always would be an attractive and accomplished kunoichi, in his opinion.
His sharpened hearing could hear her chair scraping against the flooring and dishes clattering in the ceramic sink followed by a few slow, hesitant steps in his direction. He supposed he had been wallowing and lost track of time. The footsteps started in his direction again but he beat their owner to the door, swinging it open with a little comedic flair and a sheepish grin. "Sorry about that Sakura-chan. All free."
Jade eyes blinked blearily in his direction before flickering over to the couch. She perched carefully at one end and turned on her television, immediately flickering through a few channels before landing on her desired program. Her sharp gaze landed back on him, expectantly and she nodded her head to the other end of the couch.
Not willing to question it, least this moment of proximity ends, he silently took his seat obediently and watched the droning of some trashy medical mystery civilian TV show Sakura had turned on. His one visible eye stealthily slid to the side and he watched as she swayed slightly, her body betraying her exhaustion. It was only then that he noticed the dark circles beneath her bloodshot eyes.
At some point, he must have dozed back off until an alarm went off from the show, jolting him back to consciousness, stiffening in reflex. He relaxed, secure in the knowledge of his location and his companion. Speaking of whom had not reacted to the noise but seemed to have stretched, almost like a feline over the majority of the sofa with her toes barely brushing the outside of his thigh.
There was no telling how she'd feel about his presence in the morning. He gave it 50/50 odds that she'd either be rightfully upset at finding them so close (the incident at the hospital being a factor) or would be slightly comforted he had stayed for her. Kakashi tried to shift into a more comfortable position, but the pinkette stirred at his movement so he froze before settling back down into his spot.
Already the ache in the curvature of his spine was beginning to become more troublesome, though the prospect of disrupting his couch partner was more than enough to keep him firmly rooted to the cushion. It would be a long night for his poor, old body.
Morning came much too soon, and much too brightly for his personal liking. The windows, void of covering, let the effulgent morning ray flood into the living room and he groaned with the alcohol-generated headache. Sake was certainly a poor life decision.
A brief ruffling of fabric drew his eye back to the kunoichi, who seemed unperturbed by the lighting and merely snuggled deeper into the couch. At first glance, she looked almost serene. Her lips parted, ever so slightly, legs and arms devoid of the tension and caution that she held herself in constantly nowadays.
Kakashi stretched, the vertebrae in his back popping with the slight strain and his other stiffened joints following suit as he carefully shifted his way off the couch. He should leave. He really, really should leave. It hadn't been his brightest idea to come here last night in the first place, allowing her to see him so disgustingly broken, nor was it his intention to stay the entire time either.
As he moved towards the door, the jonin quietly gathered his worn sandals before attempting to turn the handle to the door, but something stopped him. A rustle, followed by a squeaking couch spring.
"-kashi?"
Author's Note: My lord, I love a good emotionally-stunted Kakashi moment. Initially when I started this story, I was going to have Kakashi naturally develop these intimate feelings for Sakura, but the more I wrote, the more I felt like he's the kind of man that doesn't necessarily know what he feels and has to be told it. Okay, hear me out. He's a bookworm and more often than not, things are quite literally spelled out for him so I feel like this just makes sense. And who better to break the news to him, than a blunt, slightly intoxicated Tsunade?
Anyways, that's my take on how things are progressing and yes, I did finally decide to make Sakura talk. I thought about so many ways this next morning should progress and this just feels right. Like poor Kakashi deserves this.