Chapter 8: Scars and Stories
cw: mentions of abuse
The first day of third year dawned bright and early on the first of September, 1973. James got up earlier even that he usually did, as he could hardly wait for his parents to bring him to Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. He was unbearably excited to see his friends again and catch up with all of them. Of course, James had seen Sirius more recently than the others: Sirius had come over to stay at his house for a week in mid-July before going back to his parents. Still, it had been more than a month now since he had seen his best friend, and James always worried about Sirius when he was at Grimmauld Place. His friend had always been vague on the subject of his family life, but James didn't like the look on his face whenever he talked about his parents. It unsettled him, not knowing and not being able to help.
James was excited to see more than just Sirius, however. Remus Lupin, though he wrote James often, never really visited over the summer, nor did he invite his friends over to his house. James never knew why, but he supposed that being secretive and self-contained was kind of Remus' thing, even after the three other Gryffindor boys in his dormitory had learned about his "furry little problem" the previous year. Even during the second term of the previous year, when James felt like he understood his friend much better than he had ever done before they learned his secret, it was only Sirius who it seemed like ever really knew what was going through Remus' mind at any given moment. Sometimes James wondered if the two could read each other's thoughts. It was a bit unsettling.
Peter had invited Sirius and James over to his house in Bradford while Sirius was staying with James' parents. They had met his mother, a very nice but very frazzled witch who worked multiple jobs to support her three children, their father having died when Peter was eight. Peter's two younger siblings, Nora and Jack, were both very sweet, and James was astounded to see the way Peter turned into a reliable, responsible older sibling at the drop of a hat when it was needed. Not that he would have expected any less of his friend, but there was a rather stark difference between this and the timid yet mischievous person he was at school. James felt as if the visit helped him understand Peter in a way that he had never done before. Still, his friend was not a very consistent correspondent, and so James hadn't heard much from him since then.
He had, of course, seen quite a lot of Dorcas and Marlene over the summer, as always. They had played a lot of Quidditch, he and Marlene determined to keep their skills sharp for the next Quidditch season at Hogwarts. They did other things, too, like swim at the pond up the hill from his house, chase each other around the countryside, stargaze at night, and talk about nothing and everything. Still, by the end of the summer, while they were not sick of one another per se, they were definitely looking forward to having some other people to hang around with.
James whiled away the hours before he could go to King's Cross by first eating breakfast, brushing his teeth, and getting dressed, then fussing around in his room, unpacking things from his trunk then repacking them. He ran up the hill with his broom to fly around the little enclosure above his house for a bit to help his restlessness. By the time he returned to the house, it was time to leave, and he was still beside himself with excitement, the flying not having helped much.
Euphemia and Fleamont were used to their only son's hyperactive nature, and they only shook their heads in exasperation and affection before apparating with him to King's Cross. He raced ahead of them towards the barrier, running through it with barely a look to either side to see if any Muggles were looking. Finally, he was back on the Platform, surrounded by other Hogwarts students who were running around, putting their things on the Hogwarts Express and greeting friends. It was noisy and chaotic, and James loved every minute of it.
The first person he saw from Gryffindor was Florence O'Connor, one of the 5th year Beaters on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, her curly red hair standing out a mile. "Hey, Florey!" He called out, grinning at her. She turned around to see who it was, caught sight of him, and practically bounced over to him in excitement.
"James!" She greeted him, giving him a hug. He tried not to look too pleased as she pulled back. "Ready to win the cup this year?"
"Completely," James said, smirking. "Marley and I have been practicing all summer together."
"Oh!" Florence exclaimed, in her usual abrupt way. "Did you hear that Fiona quit?"
"Quit? Why?" James asked, shocked. Why on earth would anyone quit playing Quidditch? he thought to himself.
"She didn't get enough O.W.L.s, apparently, and her parents said she needed to spend more time studying," Florence said, shrugging but smiling in an amused sort of way. "I'm sure we'll find someone good to replace her, though."
"I should let my friend Emmeline know," James said, his eyes lighting up. "She's always wanted to be Keeper, but figured she'd have to wait for her chance until after Fiona left."
"Well, I hope she'd better be good," Florence said, a sparkle of laughter in her eyes. "You know Sam won't care that she's your friend. He's a hardass, but he's a good captain."
"She's good, alright. And I have no complaints about Sam," James said, grinning. "I get up at the crack of dawn anyway."
"Morning people," Florence humphed, rolling her eyes. "Well, I gotta go find Marcus, but see you around, James!"
"Bye, Florey!" James called after her, her mass of curls already disappearing into the crowd. He laughed to himself as he turned back to look around for his parents, who were only a few steps behind him. He pushed his trolley over to them.
"Friend of yours?" Fleamont asked, a slight, amused smile playing across his face.
"She's my teammate," James said, grinning. "Florence; I told you about her, right? A one-woman wrecking ball, but one hell of a Beater."
"Well, do you need help getting your things on the train?" Euphemia asked, and James allowed his parents to help him hoist his trunk up into the luggage rack before stepping back onto the platform to say goodbye to them.
"As we tell you every year, but you never listen: please try and stay out of trouble, dear," Euphemia said after both of the Potters had hugged their son. James smiled.
"Love you, mum, dad," was his only response. They waved goodbye, and James climbed onto the steam engine, making his way towards the compartment he and his friends always sat in for the train rides to Hogwarts. He was not surprised to see, when he looked through the glass door, that Remus was already sitting there, reading a book. Remus was usually the first to get on the train, followed by either Sirius or James, then Peter always arriving just in the nick of time.
He slid the door open and leaned in the doorway, grinning as Remus looked up to look at him. "Did you miss me?" He asked cockily, a wide grin splitting his face. Remus rolled his eyes and stood up, striding over to hug James. James saw that Remus had grown an inch or two over the summer, making him about the same height as James now. They released each other after a moment, laughing, James sitting down across from Remus next to the window.
"So, how was your summer?" James asked.
"It was good," Remus responded, smiling pleasantly. "My parents and I took a couple of road trips around Wales and a bit of western England, seeing the sights and visiting old ruins and things. Mostly, though, I just stayed at home and read."
"Sounds fun," James said, not very convincingly, and Remus smirked at him. Staying at home and reading for the whole summer was definitely not James' idea of fun. Of course, he read sometimes, and he enjoyed it when he did, but he was always restless. Either he would get absorbed in a book for hours on end, or he wouldn't be able to read for more than fifteen minutes.
"What did you do?" Remus asked James.
"Well, Sirius came over for a week in mid-July, and we went to see Pete then, but you know that," James said. "It was fun, I wish he could have stayed for longer, but I don't think his parents wanted him to. He was vague about the whole thing, but I don't get the sense that he has much choice in his house." Remus nodded, his brow furrowed in concern.
"Anyway," James continued. "I spent the rest of the summer just doing regular things, you know. Hung out with Dee and Marley a bunch, played a lot of Quidditch, went to see a couple of games, and just hung around the countryside. I'm glad to be going back to Hogwarts, though. I would have been bored out of my brains if the holidays were any longer."
Remus laughed, but before he could reply, the door of the compartment slid open again to reveal Peter there, smiling at the two of them. They both looked at him in surprise. "What, surprised to see me on time?" Peter said amusedly.
"Yes," Remus and James both said in unison, grinning at the third boy before standing up to hug him, James slapping him on the back enthusiastically.
"It's good to see you, Pete!" James said, smiling. "I'm actually more surprised that you're here before Sirius. You're throwing off our whole order!"
"He's not here yet?" Peter asked, surprised. "I figured he might have just gone to the loo or something."
"Nope, haven't seen him," Remus said.
"Well, he better get here soon," Peter said. "I'm not that early, you know. The first warning whistle already sounded." The boys all shrugged, and began to catch up with Peter on what he had done for his summer, too. When they heard the last whistle warning, however, they glanced around at each other, all of them feeling uneasy. It was unlike Sirius to be this close to missing the train, as he usually got there solidly on time, glad to finally be away from his family. Remus and James peered out of the window towards the quickly emptying platform, trying to catch sight of their friend. There was no sign of him, however, and the platform was full of only parents by this time. The train gave a lurch, and they were moving away from Platform Nine and Three-Quarters.
"Has he missed it? What do you think's kept him?" Peter asked anxiously. James and Remus looked at each other nervously, as well, as the train gathered speed, rounding the corner so that they lost sight of the platform.
"I don't know, but I have a bad feeling," James said, his expression dark. It was only after ten minutes of unsettled conversation before they finally saw Sirius. He slid their compartment door open, an annoyed look on his face, but smiled when he saw them.
"You all look so anxious, it can't have been for me, can it?" He joked as he closed the door behind him. James jumped up, pulling him into a tight hug.
"Where were you, mate?" He asked after finally letting Sirius go, sitting back down but still looking troubled. "We were worried that you had missed the train." Sirius hugged the other two boys in greeting, too, before sitting down next to James, across from Peter and Remus.
"I was earlier than usual, actually," he said. "My mum came to see Regulus off, something she has never done for me," he said, bitterly. "Not that I care," he added, unconvincingly.
"I forgot that your brother was starting this year," Remus said. "Is he excited?"
"Hard to tell with Reg," Sirius snorted, looking very annoyed. "He's talked about it some, but whenever he's in public he's like my mother's little robot, so he keeps his overt emotions to a minimum."
"But that doesn't explain where you've been," James said, looking puzzled.
"I was with Regulus," Sirius said obviously. "And my dear cousin Narcissa convinced him to sit in a compartment with her and her Slytherin friends, including her boyfriend. I spent about fifteen minutes trying to subtly convince him to leave that lot. I thought he would see how shallow and awful they all are, but then again, we spend all our time around people like that at home, so no dice. Finally, I asked him flat out if he would come sit with me in our compartment—I was tired of the looks from all those snakes—and he refused, so here I am."
"That blows," James said sympathetically. "If only we could show him how much better company we all are." This elicited a slight grin from Sirius, but his face fell back into its earlier brooding state after a moment.
"So, how was your summer?" Remus asked, trying to change the subject from Regulus, as it was obviously a touchy topic for Sirius. Unfortunately, Sirius' face only darkened further.
"Bloody awful," Sirius said. "Other than staying with James for that one week, that is. My parents, especially my mum, seemed to be trying to reinforce all the pureblood ideals in Regulus extra hard this summer. It was like they were cramming before an exam, but the exam is the Sorting Ceremony, and they're trying as hard as they can to make sure Reg gets Slytherin and becomes a perfect little pureblood, unlike me."
"That's shit," James said, looking angry. "How's Regulus with all of it?"
"He doesn't say much about it to me," Sirius said, sounding a bit regretful. "Of course, I've made my stance on it pretty clear, and he remains neutral. The thing is, Regulus is more loyal to the family than I am. The Sorting Hat was torn for me between Slytherin and Gryffindor, and I wanted Gryffindor, so I got Gryffindor. If that was a choice for Reg, though, I doubt he would make the same decision."
The boys in the compartment were silent just then. Sirius had never told any of them this fact about his Sorting before. James didn't know that you could choose which house to be in, if the hat was conflicted, but then again, it made sense: the choice might reveal who you really were, and what you really valued. It made sense for Sirius, too, then, as James would be lying if he never saw his friend be ambitious, cunning, and self-serving at times. The thing was, Sirius saw those as flaws within himself, and he wanted to be brave, to be selfless, to protect the helpless, and James knew that was who he truly was.
"It will be alright," Remus said, looking Sirius in the eye steadily. "Whatever happens, it will be alright, Sirius. Not everyone in Slytherin goes down the wrong path. Look at your other cousin, Andromeda, right?"
"Yeah, you're right," Sirius said, looking a little hopeful as he thought of Andy. "Andy turned out okay. Reg could, too."
"Of course he will," Peter said, trying to look encouraging. Sirius gave him a slight smile, and James felt a bit reassured, thinking that Sirius' dark mood couldn't last for the whole train ride. He resolved to change the subject to something that would brighten Sirius even more.
"Aren't you looking forward to going into Hogsmeade this year? More freedom, and all that, and Zonko's should be amazing!" Unfortunately, James' words, far from having the desired effect, made Sirius' face darken once more. "What is it?" James asked, confused at how this topic could make Sirius even more moody than he already was.
"I can't go to Hogsmeade, my parents refused to sign my form," Sirius said, scowling. "Apparently I don't deserve privileges like going into the village, as I would only further disgrace them with the company I keep there. Their words, not mine."
They were all silent for a few moments, James, Remus, and Peter exchanging worried glances, out of Sirius' view. Finally, James spoke, though he looked quite at a loss of how to make the situation better. Every one of his attempts to cheer his best friend up so far had gone amiss.
"Sirius, I'm sure that if you talked to McGonagall, or something…"
Sirius looked up at him, a sarcastic look on his face. "You really think McGonagall would let me go, James? She's all about the rules."
"What about Dumbledore, then?" Peter asked, looking sad and desperate. Sirius laughed.
"I don't even know if I'd be able to get to Dumbledore to ask him about it. Have any of you ever spoken to him, except for when we get into deep trouble because of a prank? I guess I could pull something that would get me sent to his office, but I doubt that that would do me any favors when it came to getting to go into the village."
James looked around at Remus, desperately. If anyone had a solution to this issue, it would be Remus, as he was always the mastermind behind their best laid out plans, the ones that didn't result in them getting detention, at least. Remus was silent, however, looking at Sirius with an unreadable expression on his face. James sighed and turned back to Sirius, trying to find comforting words to reassure him.
"Sirius, I'm sure we can—"
"Oh, give it here," Remus said, interrupting James in the middle of his sentence. All three of the other boys looked around at him, taken aback, confused looks on their faces.
"Remus, what—" Sirius began to ask, his brow furrowed. Remus rolled his eyes.
"Give me your form, Sirius; do you still have it?"
Sirius looked even more confused, but pulled out the blank form out of his back pocket and handed it over. Remus produced a quill and ink out of his bag, and leaned down to scribble on the parchment quickly. He handed it back to Sirius, and James and Peter both leaned forward to examine it with him. There, in rapidly drying ink, was the cursive signature which read 'Orion Black.' Remus had managed to disguise his own handwriting, so it wasn't obviously written by him. They all looked up at Remus, who had tucked away his quill and ink by then, and was looking back at them, a slight, self-satisfied smile on his face.
"Well," he asked impatiently after a moment. "Do you think it's passable, Sirius?"
"I mean," Sirius said, sounding quite dumbfounded by what had just happened, "it doesn't look much like my father's signature."
"And have any of the teachers ever seen his signature before?" Remus asked, testily.
"No, I suppose not," Sirius admitted. A few seconds passed, when they were all still shocked at what their friend had just done. Then James broke into raucous laughter, shoving Remus' shoulder playfully.
"Way to go, Remus! Always coming through with the most brilliant ideas that don't even occur to the rest of us," he said, still laughing as Remus broke into a grin.
"I'm not sure they're that brilliant, the rest of you are just slightly moronic sometimes," he said. Sirius was still gaping at Remus as Peter and James rolled around laughing. Remus looked across at Sirius, raising his eyebrows. "Close your mouth, Sirius, you'll catch flies," he said, a smile in his voice. Sirius closed it, but still stared at Remus as though he'd never seen him before.
"Thank you," he said after a moment, his voice uncharacteristically sincere, "Really, thank you, Remus."
Remus smiled across at him, his cheeks tinged almost imperceptibly pink, "Of course, Sirius," he said, "I couldn't exactly leave you to mope around the castle while we all went to the village. You might get yourself killed without any of us to stop you from doing something unqualifiedly insane."
Sirius just smiled, weakly, as James and Peter continued to go on about the genius in Remus' stealthy rule-breaking tendencies. Looking across at Remus, who he saw was still slightly red in the face, Sirius felt incredibly grateful for his friend. Affection surged through him as he realized how much he had missed Remus. Next time we're on break, he thought, I'll have to talk to him about coming over to visit while I'm at James'. Not seeing Remus for two months was rather unbearable.
That evening at the Sorting Ceremony, as Sirius had expected, Regulus was sorted into Slytherin. What was surprising yet encouraging to him was how long Regulus sat with the Sorting Hat on his head—longer than Sirius had by far—before it shouted out its decision. He wondered where the Hat was thinking about sending him other than Slytherin, but knowing his younger brother, he would likely never find out. He watched Regulus as he sat down at the cheering Slytherin table next to his cousin, Narcissa, who had a satisfied smile on her face. As if Regulus could sense Sirius' gaze on him, he turned and met his older brother's eyes, giving him a small, apologetic smile. Sirius smiled back genuinely. He wasn't going to be like his family; he wasn't going to abandon Regulus based on the house he had been sorted into.
...
Their first week of third year classes was rather chaotic, as it involved all of the Gryffindor third years having to find new classrooms and adjust to their new classes. Most of them were taking two extra classes this year, except for Dorcas, Lily, and James, who had selected three electives apiece. Each of them were excited about their different classes, though they were rather overwhelmed by the new materials nonetheless.
Still, it wasn't any of the new classes that resulted in the most interesting thing that had happened that week. Instead, it was Professor Underwood, that year's new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, who brought the most commotion to their first week of classes.
The Gryffindors had D.A.D.A. during the period before lunch on Tuesday, and they were all grumbling at the fact that they still had to take it with the Slytherins as they entered the classroom. Professor Underwood, a short, rather funny looking man with a prominent chin, was already seated at his desk when they arrived. He waited for the whole class to arrive and sit down before he stood up from his desk and addressed them.
"You needn't take out your books and notes for this class," he started, his voice rather high and squeaky. "We will be having our first lesson as a practical Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson. It is customary to begin third year instruction for Defense with a lesson on boggarts. Can anyone here tell me what a boggart is?"
Both Lily and Dorcas raised their hands into the air first, and Professor Underwood pointed to Dorcas. "A boggart is a shapeshifter that takes the form of whatever scares the person facing it the most," she said promptly, and Professor Underwood nodded, giving her a small smile.
"Correct, five points to Gryffindor," he said, and Dorcas beamed happily. "Yes, a boggart takes the form of our worst fears. This means that the only way to defeat a boggart is to overcome this fear by transforming it into something amusing. There is also an advantage to being in a larger group when facing a boggart, as it can become confused, not knowing whose worst fear to transform into. That is why it is always best to have company when dealing with a boggart. If a wizard gets cocky and thinks they can deal with one on their own, it can sometimes result in extreme cases where the boggart literally scares them to death before it can be banished."
The class seemed to collectively inhale a sharp breath, staring at Professor Underwood in horror. He merely smiled at them. "Not to worry, there is a simple spell that is used to banish a boggart. The incantation is Riddikulus, and when you cast it, you must imagine a way to make your fear amusing as it appears in front of you. Then, the real way to kill a boggart is with laughter, which will cause it to explode."
Emmeline raised her hand, and Professor Underwood nodded to her. "Professor, what does a boggart look like when it's not transformed into someone's fear?"
Professor Underwood smiled, looking pleased at her question. "Excellent question! The truth is that no known person has ever seen a boggart in its natural state, and we do not even know if it has a natural state. Academics have proposed that if someone were to use some kind of x-ray vision to view a boggart from far away, they might be able to catch a glimpse of it untransformed, but as far as I know, this theory has never been tested."
Professor Underwood paused for a moment, looking around the classroom for other questions, but when no one else raised their hands, he clapped his hands together. "Well, as I said, this is a practical lesson, and so I have a boggart here for us to practice the spell on!" He retreated behind his desk and grabbed something, walking out from behind it carrying a briefcase, which he set down on the floor on its side. "You see, boggarts prefer dark, enclosed spaces, which is why this briefcase is ideal for containing it for practice. Now, I want you all to think for a moment and try to conjure up an idea of what scares you most, then think of how to make it amusing."
There was silence in the classroom as everyone searched their mind, many faces screwed up in concentration as they thought. Remus didn't have to search long to find his answer. He was terrified of himself, the monster he became every month. Still, perhaps that wasn't it. Maybe he was afraid of the moon instead, which had the power to strip him of control and make him into that monster. He wasn't sure which one was his greatest fear, but he knew that he shouldn't risk the possibility of either appearing in a classroom in front of his classmates. If the werewolf version of himself appeared, he could explain that away easily enough. People would believe that his greatest fear was werewolves. If the full moon appeared, however...whose biggest fear was the full moon, other than a werewolf?
"What do you think yours will be?" Remus heard James whisper to Sirius, behind him.
"I have literally no idea," Sirius murmured back, leaning back in his chair casually. "I figure I'll just wing it."
James murmured in agreement, and soon Professor Underwood was beckoning them to stand up and using his wand to move the desks away so that there was a clear area for them to practice. They lined up, the four boys ending up, much to James' and Sirius' disappointment, near the back, though Remus was grateful for it. He was hoping that class time would run out before he had to face the boggart.
During the next fifteen minutes, they watched as their classmates faced up with their worst fears one by one. They were various: some mundane, some magical. Dorcas faced up with a chimera, Marlene a giant scorpion, Mary an immense, crackling fire. Lily's Boggart managed to transform so it seemed like she was standing on the edge of an immense cliff, and she screamed before managing to transform it into a large trampoline. She explained sheepishly, later, that she was deathly afraid of heights. Finally, the Gryffindor boys were at the front of the line, and Remus was starting to feel anxious. What if he actually had to face it?
It was Peter's turn first, and a set of writhing snakes appeared before him, and he struggled, his face red at first, before casting the spell to turn them into severed ropes, which fell lifeless to the ground. James was next, and he stepped forward confidently, his wand outstretched, but he was not prepared for what came next. On the floor in front of him appeared two dead bodies. One was a woman whose bronze skin very nearly matched James', her eyes closed and a trickle of blood running from her hairline to her jaw. The other was a tall man with pale, lined skin, his hazel eyes wide and empty.
Dorcas clapped her hands over her mouth, staring at James in horror, and Marlene went white. James only stood stock still, staring at them, the expression on his face frozen. From their resemblance to James, Remus guessed that they were his parents, though he had never met them. The whole class seemed to be holding its breath as everyone's gaze was fixed on James, waiting to see what he would do.
After a long moment where James just stared at the two bodies, he raised his wand again, and practically whispered the incantation. The bodies transformed into two fashion dummies, lying abandoned on the ground, their limbs at ridiculous angles. No one laughed, however. It wasn't funny, not while they were all remembering what the dummies had just been. James didn't speak, just stared at them, then blinked a few times and moved, silently, over to the rest of the students who had already cast the spell. Remus saw Dorcas envelop him into a hug, Marlene rubbing his back comfortingly. Only once James turned back around to watch did Sirius step forward, and the dummies on the ground disappeared with a loud crack.
In their place was another person, but this woman—with her tall frame and proud, haughty face—was very much alive. She was dressed in long, formal robes with a high collar, and her dark brown hair was done up in a tight bun. It wasn't the look of hatred and madness on her face, nor her drawn wand, which made Remus stop in his tracks, however: it was the high cheekbones and grey eyes which he knew so well. He glanced at Sirius to confirm his resemblance to the woman, and was shocked to see that Sirius' grey eyes, identical to those of woman standing in front of him, were full of a blank terror Remus had never seen in them before.
Sirius' mother raised her wand, her mouth forming a wild, deadly smile as she gazed down at her son, ready to perform a curse. Remus looked frantically from Sirius to his mother, forgetting in that moment that she couldn't actually cast the curse, forgetting everything. Sirius didn't move, didn't speak, didn't lift his wand. He seemed to become smaller, hunching almost imperceptibly. Remus knew then that Sirius didn't have it in him to move, to cast a spell, or to even lift his wand.
It was the look on Sirius' face, the complete submission to his fate, which made Remus step in front of his friend. He forgot his earlier caution, his fear of his classmates seeing his boggart; it all went out of his mind when he saw Sirius' face. As he stepped in front of Sirius, the form of Walburga Black disappeared, replaced by a full moon hanging in the classroom at Remus' eye level. He thought of the first thing that came to mind, raised his wand, and cried, "Riddikulus!" The full moon fell to the ground as a ball, which bounced several times before rolling off into a corner.
Remus let out a slight, mirthless laugh, which was echoed after a moment by Professor Underwood, and some of their classmates. It wasn't true laughter, not really, but as there had been several chuckles before in the process of getting rid of other students' boggarts, it did the trick. The ball in the corner disappeared into many tiny wisps of smoke, and was gone. There was silence in the classroom, and Remus turned to look at Sirius, who was still staring ahead of him, his face frozen.
When the bell rang a moment later, Professor Underwood dismissed the class, and everyone gathered up their bags and leaving, everyone except Sirius, Remus, James, Peter, Dorcas, and Marlene. James, though obviously still shaken from his own boggart, walked over to Sirius and put a hand on his shoulder. After a second, Sirius broke out of his stupor, looking at James. "Come on, mate," James said, his voice sounding tired but strong. "Let's get out of here. Get some lunch."
They gathered up their things and left the classroom in silence, all descending the staircase to lunch. It wasn't until they had sat down at the Gryffindor table, Dorcas and Marlene alongside them—obviously figuring that their need was greater than the other Gryffindor girls'— that someone spoke.
"Was that your mum, Sirius?" Peter piped up, his voice small and scared, as if he wasn't sure if he was supposed to be asking the question at all. Sirius looked up from his empty plate and met Peter's gaze, nodding slightly but saying nothing. James sighed, and then began to pile food onto his friend's plate. When he was finished, he handed him his fork and knife, raising his eyebrows at him insistently, and Sirius took them, beginning to eat automatically. Dorcas attempted to make some small talk during lunch, trying to cheer people up, which worked to a certain degree, though not fully.
When they finished lunch and walked together to their next class, Charms, Dorcas asked Remus lightly: "Your boggart looked a bit like a crystal ball. What's that about?"
Remus had barely given a thought to the fact that the whole class had seen his boggart turn into the full moon since the class ended, his mind so occupied with Sirius' predicament. Still, he was very relieved to hear that it hadn't been obvious that it was the moon. He let out a forced laugh. "Well, I guess we're all afraid of the future, aren't we?"
Dorcas smiled in return, and let the subject drop.
...
It wasn't until the afternoon when they finally got the opportunity to Sirius about what happened in Defense Against the Dark Arts, as they had Charms and double Herbology with the Hufflepuffs after lunch. At least the Hufflepuffs hadn't been witness to what had happened, as Remus guessed that the Slytherins were likely to be gossipping about it already. He wondered if it would get back to Sirius' younger brother, Regulus, in Slytherin. He guessed there was nothing any of them could do about it if it did.
After Herbology, the Gryffindor third years headed back to Gryffindor tower in a pack, and the girls and boys went up their separate staircases, eager to change their clothes and wash the earth off of their faces and arms. Once they had changed, Remus glanced over at James, who had sat on the side of his bed, his head in his hands.
"Hey, James," Remus said, going over to put his hand on his friend's shoulder. "You alright, mate?"
James sighed and looked up at Remus, his face flushed. "I honestly don't know," he admitted, shaking his head. "Seeing my parents like that...I don't know how to get over that."
"I'm not sure if there's an easy way to get over it," Remus said, rubbing his shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting way. "At least you know it wasn't real."
"Yeah," James said, nodding and exhaling a deep breath. "Yeah, it wasn't real." He said it as if he was trying to convince himself, and was silent for several moments. "But it's not me I want to talk about right now," he said finally, lifting his gaze to look to the other side of the room, where Sirius was standing, fidgeting with his shirt collar, a preoccupied look on his face.
When Sirius noticed James, Sirius, and Peter all looking at him his hands fell to his sides, a defensive look onto his face. "What?"
"You know what," James said, his voice sounding tired as he stared at his best friend, concern apparent on his face. Sirius looked back at him in silence for a moment, but when he finally opened his mouth to speak he was interrupted by a knock on the door. They all turned in surprise to see the door open, revealing Dorcas and Marlene.
"We wanted to see if you guys were okay," Dorcas said, raising her eyebrows as she took in the scene before going over to sit down beside James on his four-poster bed. Marlene closed the door behind her before making her way into the room, crossing her arms and looking from James to Sirius.
"Getting right down to it, are we?" She asked, her eyes flicking between the two boys, taking in their serious expressions.
"I'm not sure why we have to talk about this," Sirius said, avoiding all of their gazes and looking annoyed as he fidgeted with his sleeve. "I'm not asking any of you about your boggarts, am I?"
"Well, if you want to know, I turned over a rock in the field behind Dorcas' house when I was four, found a nest of scorpions, and got stung multiple times," Marlene said frankly. "And Dorcas had nightmares about chimeras for weeks after her father read us a children's book about them when we were six."
Sirius glared at her and Marlene gave him an innocent smile, continuing on doggedly. "I don't think that's really the point, though," she said, the smile fading from her face. "The point is that...well, we're are here staring at you strangely right now because none of us are sure how to say that we're concerned about you, because while I think that lesson was difficult for all of us in different ways, the fact that your biggest fear is your mother is both shocking and worrying for us and we want to make sure that you're alright." Marlene said all of this rather quickly, all the time gazing at Sirius with an uncharacteristically serious look in her eyes, her eyes searching his face.
Sirius continued to glare at her as she said it, but rolled his eyes when he finished. "Well, that seemed rather easy for you to say," he remarked. He sighed, looking around at all of them briefly before looking up at the ceiling, shaking his head. His hands were clenched into fists, his movements restless. He seemed like he was steeling himself for something. When he looked back down, he met Remus' eyes first, holding the eye contact for a few seconds, as if he was trying to draw strength from Remus' gaze. He sighed again, turning his gaze to Dorcas, James, and Marlene, who were still staring at him from next to James' bed.
"Well, I guess there's not much point in lying to you lot," he said. "You already know that my family isn't the best from how I talk about them, and you've had the decency not to ask for details until now, and I'm sure you've all been curious."
"It didn't seem right to ask," James said, shrugging. "Not until now, at least."
"I didn't want you to ask," Sirius said honestly. "I didn't want to have to answer, or see the looks on your faces when I did. But I guess the jig is up now, so you might as well know."
Pausing for a second, he took a deep breath, then, in one swift movement, pulled his shirt over his head, turning his back to the group. For a moment, Remus was extremely confused. His brain seemed to go blank for a second as he saw Sirius' exposed skin, then he focused, and saw what he was used to looking for only on his own skin: the crisscrossing of many thin, white scars. They covered Sirius' back, some thick and some thin, numerous in some areas and faint and far inbetween in others. The most prominent one stretched up from Sirius spine to his left shoulder, raised and still slightly pink against his pale skin.
Remus was used to seeing scars on himself: they littered his body, souvenirs from old full moons. Most were faint, some scratches, some bite marks. He was not used to seeing scars on other people, however, and had never noticed them on Sirius. Of course, it wasn't as if he watched his friend change, but he realized then that Sirius, like Remus himself, had always taken care to change his clothes behind his bed or with his four poster curtains closed, shielded from view at least partially. Still, Remus had never imagined that Sirius did it for the same reason that he did.
Bile rose in his throat as he watched Sirius pull his shirt over his head again, turning back to them, not quite able to look any of them in the eyes. His eyes fixed on one of the corners of James' four poster bed as he spoke, addressing his next words to it. "As long as I can remember, my parents have enforced the rules in our house physically. If I do something I shouldn't—speak out of turn, challenge my parents, make a mess, get into books or heirlooms that I'm not supposed to touch—my father uses his belt on me."
There was a long silence. Remus felt sick as he stared at Sirius, imagining someone doing that to him as a child. Not even as a child...the most prominent scar looked relatively new, and Sirius hadn't used the past tense when he spoke about his punishments.
"But it was your mother who was the boggart," James said, staring at his friend in utter horror, sounding as if every word had been dragged out of him without his consent.
"My mother is the crazy one, even if it is my father who is usually the enforcer," Sirius said, looking up to meet James' eyes briefly before looking down at the ground. "My father's violent, but controlled. If my mother catches me doing something wrong, she'll scream at me for hours, and throw me around the room for good measure, even if all I did was leave my clothes on the floor. This," he said, lifting his shirt again to show a thin scar under the right side of his ribcage, "is from when she threw me against the corner of an antique coffee table in my cousin's house after I knocked over a vase of flowers. It made a deep cut, and wouldn't stop bleeding for hours, even after Kreacher—our house elf—put on two layers of dittany."
"Merlin, Sirius," Marlene said, her eyes wide and her hands lowering from where they were covering her mouth in shock. "I—fuck, I don't know what to say."
Sirius looked at her with steely grey eyes, seeing her but not seeing her, as he continued. "I guess my boggart is my mother because I'm scared of what she'll do to me when the time comes that my father doesn't hold her back." This part was a lie, of course. Sirius already knew what Walburga would do to him when Orion didn't bother to hold her back, and it wasn't pretty. No, he wasn't scared of the prospect of what she could do to him when unrestrained; he was scared of the curse itself, which caused so much pain it verged on madness. He sometimes woke up in a cold sweat from nightmares about it, his body aching as though it had been real.
The first time Walburga Black had struck him with the Cruciatus Curse had not been the last; he had suffered it twice more during the summer, but he wasn't about to tell his friends any of that. The looks of horror on his friend's faces now were already bad enough...he couldn't deal with their reactions to the news that he had been crucified by his mother before. It wasn't as if they would be able to do anything about it, anyway. They would only encourage him to speak to a professor, or perhaps Dorcas would tell her Auror mother to step in. Still, the Ministry would never send Aurors into the house of a family as prestigious as the Blacks, and even if they did, Sirius wasn't sure that was what he wanted.
The only thing that Sirius clung to when he was dealing with his parents was the pretense that nothing they did could affect him, not anymore. He didn't flinch when his father's belt struck his back, he didn't cry out when his mother hit him. When she used the Cruciatus Curse on him it was rather different, he had not yet been able to stop himself from crying out in pain with that particular tactic, but at least he was now able to get back on his feet and still glare at her after the fact. His spirit, he told himself, would not break, and he didn't want to give his mother the satisfaction of knowing how much he feared her.
"What can I do, Sirius?" James asked finally, after the silence stretched too long. "Please let me help. I know that my parents would take you in in a heartbeat if you wanted to live with me during breaks."
Sirius sighed and met his best friend's desperate hazel eyes, shaking his head. "No, James, I can't, I'm sorry," he said. "I've survived thirteen years. Hell, I didn't even know it wasn't normal until I was about nine. Anyway, if I leave I'll be disowned, and I won't be able to protect my brother from it all anymore."
"Regulus...is he—do they do this to him, too?" Peter asked, looking sickened by the thought. Remus, too, felt a wave of illness overtake him, too, at the thought of the small eleven-year old boy who he had seen in the corridors, and looked so much like Sirius. He was so young. Then again, so was Sirius, and according to him, this had been happening to him ever since he had been a small child.
"Like I said, I protect him," Sirius said shortly, looking down at the ground again.
"I'm so sorry, Sirius," Remus said finally. Sirius nodded at the floor, not meeting Remus' gaze. He didn't know why, but he especially didn't want to see Remus' pity. He knew that Remus had always hated to see him leave for the holidays after what he had heard Sirius say about his family; he had always acted protectively around Sirius in these moments. Still, he didn't want Remus to see him as some kind of kicked dog, someone broken and twisted irrevocably by his traumas.
It was Dorcas who ended up asking Sirius if she could hug him, and, once he nodded, wrapped her arms around him gently. Her hair smelled like something sweet, perhaps honey or vanilla, and that day's pair of her strange earrings, which were in the shape of chess pieces, rubbed against his cheek as she hugged him. He was glad for her comfort, and her warmth, which made his body feel less strange and numb. Before pulling back, she whispered in his ear, "If you ever need anything, want me to do anything to help you, I'll do it in a heartbeat. All you have to do is ask. Please know that."
He nodded to her as she drew back from him, and managed a smile. "I know you all want to help," he said, addressing the whole group now. "But please don't say anything, not unless I ask you to. Please."
They all agreed in the end, some more reluctantly than others, and Sirius was grateful. The day had shaken all of them, and they ended up laying on the floor of the boys' dormitory, telling each other stories about their lives. Sirius shared some other things about his childhood, too, which he had never done before. His friends stared at him in surprise and admiration as he told them about sneaking out of his home to explore Muggle London, about reading books from the local library, going to parks, and learning about the world outside his little bubble. He met their surprised stares with a grin.
"What, you thought I was just born knowing that the stuff my parents told me was wrong? That's not something you can just know is wrong, not if you grew up with it being drilled into you as me and Reg did," he said, thinking of his brother among the Slytherins sadly. "You have to unlearn it; you need to have a source of information that contradicts what you've believed all of your life. Otherwise, you're stuck believing the wrong thing for your whole life. I'm not exceptional, I just happened upon the information and changed my views accordingly."
"You did a bit more than happen upon the information, mate," James said, smiling at him. "You were brave enough to go out there and get it, to demand the truth." Sirius merely smiled.
They went down to dinner together that evening, then retired to the common room afterwards to do some of their schoolwork that they had neglected in the afternoon. When the darkness deepened outside the windows so that they could no longer make out the grounds, Sirius finally packed up his things and went to get ready for bed in the dormitory. Remus, who had gone up to bed earlier, was lying in his bed reading a book, but he looked up when Sirius entered. Sirius shot him a cautious smile before changing into his pyjamas and going into the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he came back into the dormitory, Remus hoisted himself out of bed and stood up, his eyes on Sirius. Sirius looked at him, rather confused, unsure of what was Remus was doing. Remus, for his part, wasn't quite sure himself.
"I want to show you something," he said abruptly, gazing at Sirius rather awkwardly. Sirius raised his eyebrows questioningly, but made his way over to Remus, stopping a couple of feet away from his bed. Remus glanced behind Sirius to make sure the door was closed, and then pulled his shirt over his head, just as Sirius had done, hours earlier, in front of the three boys as well as Dorcas and Marlene.
The first thing Sirius registered was how thin Remus was. Sure, the other boy was a bit taller than Sirius, but both James and Sirius were stockier than Remus, who was rather lanky. Even with his thinness, Remus was far from frail, and Sirius thought that he looked strong, but perhaps this also stemmed from the fact that he knew Remus could take any of the other boys in a fight if he wanted to (which he usually didn't). After noticing all these things, however, Sirius realized that this was not what Remus had taken off his shirt to show him. It took him a moment to focus on the other boy's skin, which, like Sirius', was painted with scars. Sirius' eyes widened as his eyes traced down Remus' form, taking in the scratches and bite marks scattered across the exposed skin like a map of memories.
He looked up to meet Remus' eyes, and saw the raw vulnerability he had been feeling hours ago reflected back at him in their blue depths. Remus took a deep breath, and opened his mouth to speak. "I know it's not the same," he started, still staring in Sirius' grey eyes. "But the first thing I thought when I saw your back was that I wasn't used to seeing that many scars on someone other than me, wasn't used to having to look for them on anyone else's skin but my own. I don't know why, but in some small way, seeing them on you made me feel less alone. And so I thought that maybe, if I showed you mine...it might make some small part of you feel less alone, too. Because you aren't. Alone, I mean. You'll always have me, and all of us."
Sirius wasn't sure what to say, he just stared at Remus in awe. He felt as if he was seeing this other boy for the first time, and Remus was right: he saw a part of himself in the other boy's scarred body. The scars weren't just scars, they were a symbol of the pain they had both endured, in one form or another. And, yes, it did make Sirius feel less alone, but it was more than that. Perhaps this was the reason that he had always felt like Remus could read him like a book in a way that no one else could; perhaps it was the shared pain that they recognized in each other that made them uniquely suited to understand and comfort one another.
Now, when Sirius looked into Remus' eyes, he didn't see pity there, only understanding. After several moments of them just staring at one another, Remus began to flush, the heat creeping down his neck to his chest. Before he could move to put his shirt back on, however, Sirius stepped forward and hugged him. They stayed like that, holding each other, Remus' bare chest against Sirius' t-shirt, until they heard footsteps outside the door, and Remus hastily pulled away to put on his shirt again, flushing slightly as James and Peter stepped into the room, talking cheerfully. As they moved away from each other, however, Sirius gave Remus a grateful smile and said, "Thank you." Remus smiled back, and Sirius knew he understood. Neither of them would ever be alone again.
Author's Note: Happy coming out day!