There are several more times after that night with Lena where I almost say something. Each time I'm on the verge of telling her, I remember Sam and my brain can't form the words. If she is with Sam and happy, telling her how I feel will just make it weird for all of us. Better to exist with her friendship than nothing at all.
The short, dark days of winter start to lengthen and warm and finally spring begins to arrive. The fragrant, warm air is a welcome change from the biting cold. Lena and I begin to picnic in the park on the edge of town. I even take her to visit Alex with me one Sunday. I've only ever gone with Eliza and Lena seems to sense the momentous nature of the occasion. She doesn't even look at me weirdly as I introduce them.
It's then that I realize how in love with her I am. This has snowballed so far past a crush. She is everything to me. The thought absolutely terrifies me. I've lost so much in this life, the thought of one person being this important nearly paralyzes me. How could I ever lose her? Not her, too.
So I continue to stay silent. I continue to bask in her friendship, but I let my fear control me. I let my fear prevent me from spilling my guts every time I want to. Until one day, it's out of my hands.
"So," Lena says nervously, fingering the stem of her wine glass. We're sitting on the porch swing watching the sun sink below the horizon. "The plant has finished construction."
"That's great," I say. "You guys really kept it on target. What's it been? Six months?"
"Almost to the day," she says.
"Why don't you sound very pleased about it?" I ask, perplexed.
"Now that the plant is complete and will be up and running, I'll be moving back to National City." She takes a long sip from her wine.
Her words hit me like a wrecking ball. Lena leaving? What am I going to do?
"You're leaving?" I ask, unable to form any other words.
"Yes," she says, looking down sadly. "I'm going to miss Midvale. When I first arrived, I thought this would be a long six months. I thought I'd hate it here. But it's become more like a home to me than anywhere else."
My throat is dry. I try to swallow, but I can't. I want to say something, anything. Beg her to stay. Beg her not to leave me. But I can't. How can I? How can I ask her to give up her life just stay here with me?
"I-," she begins and I hold my breath. "I'm going to miss you."
Tears begin to slide down my cheeks. "I'm going to miss you, too," I choke out.
I ignore Lena's calls that next week. She's set to leave in just under two weeks and I can't bring myself to face her. I make excuses when she asks me over for wine night and do my best to ignore the gnawing feeling in my stomach. I even bail on game night and happy hour, telling my friends I'm just feeling under the weather.
Hey. I hope you're doing okay? Haven't heard from you in a few days, so I wanted to check in.
A pang of guilt stabs at my chest when I read Lena's message. My fingers hover over the keys, but I don't type out a response. I can't. I put my phone down on the kitchen table and take a sip of wine.
"Kara?" I look up to see Eliza staring at me. It's been a week and a half of my silent desperation and I get the sense Eliza has noticed there's something wrong.
"Hmm?" I mumble.
"Are you okay? I haven't seen Lena around here in a while. And you haven't spent any time with your friends lately."
"I, uh-," I begin. Then stop. How do I explain this? "I haven't been feeling too great lately," I admit.
She sits down on the couch next to me and drapes a blanket over our legs. "What's going on?" she asks.
"Lena is leaving Midvale," I say, hearing how thick my voice sounds. "In a few days she's moving back to National City. And I-," I pause and clear my throat, determined to stave off the tears that threaten to pool. "I'm going to miss her so much."
"Honey, can I ask you something?"
I nod.
"If she's leaving, why aren't you spending as much time with her as you can?"
"It's better this way. It's better if we part ways now. I don't think I can handle seeing her again."
"Kara," Eliza says softly.
"I'm in love with her," I whisper.
She pulls me in for a hug. "I know, honey."
"I can't lose her. Not her, too," I say and the tears begin to fall fully.
"You don't have to lose her," Eliza answers.
"What do you mean? She's leaving. She'll be gone. And maybe I can go visit her, but it won't be the same."
"Kara, have you thought about telling her how you feel?" The question shocks me.
"No," I choke out. "I can't…what if she doesn't feel the same way? It will ruin everything."
"Honey, if she's leaving, what do you have to lose?"
I sit in silence for a moment. "Even if she does feel the same way, she's still leaving," I reason. "She'll still be in National City and I'll still be here."
"Kara," Eliza gently squeezes my hand. "You lived in National City before this. You could move back, you know."
'No," I say immediately. "I can't leave you here all alone, Eliza. And I can't…I can't leave Alex. This is where I feel her. This is where she is."
"Kara, I know this is going to sound a little cliche, but Alex will always be with you. She's not just here in Midvale. She's here," and she puts a hand over my heart. "She'll always be here. And she would want you to live your life. She wouldn't want you to stay cooped up here in this town, visiting her grave every Sunday and not really living. She'd want you to fall in love and take chances and be happy."
I nod and fall forward into Eliza's arms. I cry with her holding me for minutes on end. I cry for the loss and the fear I feel. But I know that she is right. Alex wouldn't want me to stay here for her. She'd want me to live, really live.
After a while, I lean back from Eliza's arms and she hands me a tissue from the box on the end table. I blow my nose and dry my tears as Eliza just takes me in.
"I think you know what to do," she says, as she pats my knee and stands up.
And I do. I stand up from the couch, race over to the door and grab my keys from the table.
"I'll be back in a while," I say to Eliza and she smiles at me.
I race out to the truck, jam the keys in the ignition and back out of the driveway. The drive over to Lena's cabin flies by and soon I'm pulling into her driveway and throwing the truck in park. I let out a shaky breath and then open the door. The walk up to her front door seems to take longer than the drive itself, but eventually I get there and raise my hand to knock. Once, twice. Seconds tick by before the door opens.
"Kara?" Lena asks. She's dressed in a baggy MIT sweatshirt and gray sweatpants and my heart melts seeing her standing there.
"What are you doing-"
"I'm in love with you," I blurt out.
Lena stands there in shocked silence for a moment. "Sorry, could you repeat that?"
I take a step closer to her. "I'm in love with you, Lena Luthor. I was so scared to tell you, so scared to do anything. I know you may be with Sam and if you are, I'm sorry for making this weird. I just had to tell you before you leave. I couldn't stand the thought of you moving back to National City without me ever telling you how I really feel. I've been in love with you for months now and-"
"Wait, you think I'm with Sam?" she interrupts. She bursts out laughing.
Okay, this is not exactly the reaction I was expecting.
"God, Kara, I am absolutely NOT with Sam. Gross, that would be like dating my sister." She barely supresses a gagging noise and I can't help but chuckle.
"Oh," I say, not sure what else to do. "Did you catch the rest of it? Like, the me being in love with you part?"
She grins as she pulls me into her. "Yes, Kara, I caught that part." And she pulls me in for a kiss. The moment her lips touch mine it's like my brain has short circuited. All thoughts leave my head. Only Lena remains. Her hands drift down my back and mine come up to her hair and God, this is everything I've ever wanted. We stay like that until we both need to come up for air.
"Wow," I say, panting slightly.
"Wow," she repeats.
I stand there, still wrapped in her arms and looking into her eyes.
"Would you like to come in?"
I just nod.
"Oh," she squeaks out. "I'm in love with you, too. Did I forget to say that already?"
I laugh at how flustered she is and lean in for another breathtaking kiss.