It was becoming a habit. Merlin had them deliver tikka masala and put some and the naan onto a plate and left it by the study door. Merlin sat down at the little table and tried to swallow food that tasted like dust.

Finally, Arthur came out, late in the evening, and stood by the door. Arms folded, looking like a thundercloud, Arthur said, "My sister was working with Morgause even then?"

"Yeah. I'm not sure if she was a dupe or in league with her, but every time I asked, Morgana lied about what was going on. I knew by then that she had magic and she knew she could trust me with that knowledge so lying to me set up alarm bells. When the dragon told me what she'd done, it made sense." Merlin gave a little sigh, pushing his food around his plate. "Look, Arthur, I was exhausted. We were both falling asleep and I had no one else to ask. Normally, I would have gone to Gaius, but I was so terrified that you were going to die, that I didn't think too much about it. That damned lizard played me for a fool, and I've regretted it every day since." He flung the naan down onto his cold supper. "It still haunts me."

"It's a lot to think about. I'm still furious with you, but thinking more about it, I can almost understand it. I wish we had trusted each other enough for you to come to me." Arthur didn't really look like he was all that forgiving, though. Merlin didn't really blame him. "Any other revelations?"

"I… umm… was Dragoon? But I didn't kill your father. Morgana had Agravaine place an amulet on him so that any good magic would turn deadly. We didn't find out until later and by then you really hated magic." Merlin hesitated, then said, "Once I disguised myself as the Dolma, too."

Arthur stood there, thinking. Merlin could see a flurry of emotions in Arthur's eyes before Arthur finally said, affronted, "Dragoon? You kicked me. Like a horse."

When Merlin just shrugged, with a little more warmth in his voice, Arthur said, "The Dolma, really Merlin?"

Flushing with embarrassment, Merlin said, "Gaius's idea. I told you he was a pillock. I swear he was giggling the whole time. He even insisted I wear those filthy rags."

"The Dolma flirted with me." Arthur sounded appalled.

Merlin tried not to smile at that. "Well, that wasn't Gaius's idea. You should have seen the look on your face when I did."

Glaring at him, Arthur said, "Merlin, I can't forgive you easily. My head hurts from thinking about all the things you told me. And I'm sure there's more."

"Mostly me trying to trade my life for yours." Merlin looked down at his hands and then gazed again at Arthur. "Worked a couple of times. But those are longer stories."

At least Arthur wasn't running for the hills. Still, he said, "We're almost out of time and I am not sure when or if I'll be able to trust you again. You understand?"

"Yeah, I thought you might not. Or ever. It's not like my life isn't fucked up anyway." Merlin shrugged again, unhappy but resigned. "Look, we don't know what's going to happen. If Santa isn't trying to kill you and just is taking you somewhere else, do you want to go?"

He wanted the answer to be that Arthur's devotion and love would always be for Merlin, that he would fight to stay with Merlin no matter what, but that wasn't going to happen, not now.

"I think we should listen to what he has to say," Arthur said.

Merlin just nodded.

It was five minutes to midnight when Merlin heard the bells of a sleigh. For a moment, he thought about stoking up the fire and creating such a blaze that even Santa would think twice about before going down any chimney. But old Saint Nick, aka Santa, had magic, probably more powerful than Merlin's, and so instead, they waited by the fireplace for Santa to arrive.

The man was as jolly as ever, his cheeks bright with cold, and he was smiling as he rose up and stood there, gazing at them both. "Ah, Merlin, I hope my gift to you was to your liking."

"Arthur is not a thing, you arse." Merlin shoved Arthur behind him, protecting him. Glaring at Saint Nick, almost yelling at him, Merlin said, "A gift? You knew I wanted him back so badly I could hardly breathe, and then you are about to rip him away again. Should I thank you for that? It only made things worse. He hates me now and you are… gods, how I ever could think that you were giving me a chance to make things right?" Merlin's eyes narrowed, his voice turning cold. "Or was this some kind of retribution for something I've done in the past? As if my life wasn't already fucked up enough as it is."

Santa's eyes flicked to Arthur, then he turned back to answer Merlin. "It was your choice, Merlin, as it always was."

"No, it wasn't. If I'd have more time, I might be able to show him just who I am, how beautiful magic could be, but now, he's… he just sees an enemy. He doesn't know how fucking much I love him. That I'd do anything for him. Anything."

Merlin didn't look back at Arthur. He wasn't sure he could stand to see the revulsion in Arthur's face. But it was true, all of it. He loved Arthur more than life itself, and he'd give his own life up a dozen times over if he could save Arthur.

Santa sighed a little. "You still haven't learned. In all your years, you've not learned that to love is to do what is best for the one you love, even if that means letting him go."

Behind him, Merlin could hear Arthur calling his name and pulling at his sleeve, but he just shook Arthur off. Instead, he snarled at Santa Claus, "Listen, Nick, I've enough of your New Age crap. And how is letting him go going to help? We don't even know what you are going to do. For all we know, you are going to imprison him or worse."

"What does your heart tell you?" Santa said.

That just infuriated Merlin even more. "Really? That's your defence? Because my heart is fucked up right now. And I hate cryptic nonsense. Kilgharrah was the same, playing me for a fool. So, I ask you again, Nick, what do you want with Arthur?"

"Maybe you should let him talk, Merlin," Arthur said, pushing to stand next to Merlin.

But Merlin snapped at Arthur, stepping in front of him again to keep him from getting too near Santa Claus, "You have no idea what he's capable of." Then he turned back to a frowning Santa. "I won't let you hurt him. Even if it took every ounce of my magic to oppose you. I won't have him die again because of me."

Santa Claus's gaze flicked to Arthur a moment before turning back to Merlin. His voice no longer jolly but wintery, he said, "He's not going to die. What do you take me for? Have you learned nothing of the Christmas spirit and the giving of gifts?"

Merlin snarled, "Well, this gift just made things worse so forgive me if I'm not super happy about it."

"What?" Arthur said, "I thought…."

Turning his head, looking at the only person he'd ever love, Merlin said, "I love having you here, Arthur, even if you hate me. I never want you to leave, but if I have to lose you again, the pain of it might destroy me. So no, I'm not super happy with this Saint Nicholas or Santa Claus or whoever the hell he is, messing with my heart. I love you more than life itself, but apparently, destiny is fucking with me again." Merlin swung back on Santa Claus. "I ask you again. What are you going to do with Arthur?"

"Merlin, Arthur had other places to be. Albion's time of need is not yet here," Santa said.

"And not with me?" When Santa Claus shook his head, Merlin said, "Where then? What's going to happen?"

"That is not your concern." Santa frowned at Merlin, then started to turn toward Arthur.

Merlin lunged for Santa, pushing him back. "Fuck that. You will tell me now."

"Merlin, you need to stop," Arthur said but Merlin shook his head, continuing to glare at Santa.

There were storm-clouds in Saint Nick's eyes and Merlin could feel the magic rising, all warped and intense, as Santa scowled at him. No jolly laugh, no welcoming smile. His voice, too, was deep as if echoing from under the earth. "You have forgotten your purpose, Merlin of Ealdor. You have wallowed in self-pity when you should have been preparing for Arthur's return. My gift was to remind you of this. And yet all you can do even now is to try and keep him here with you, instead of letting him go until he is needed once more."

Santa Claus looked as if he'd brook no interference from anyone, least of all, Merlin. "Would you obstruct the wheels of destiny? Or thwart Albion's greatest hero from doing what he must? Would you condemn Albion to destruction when Arthur could save us all?"

"Damn right, I would. Fuck destiny. It's brought me nothing but pain. And Arthur died because of bollocksing destiny so don't tell me about obstruction or thwarting or destruction, you fucking wanker," Merlin snarled.

"Insulting me will not help you." Saint Nick stared at Merlin. "If I told you, you would try and interfere. As you have always done. And don't bother to deny it."

That was true. Arthur would always come first. Always. And if that meant interference, then hell yes, Merlin would do whatever it took. "Are you taking him back to Avalon, then? Because I'll be damned before I let him go with you without some answers. I swear I will hunt you down and destroy you, saint or not, if you hurt him in any way."

Santa was about to say something else, but Arthur yanked on Merlin's sleeve, turning him to face Arthur. Merlin struggled a little, thinking that he should never turn his back on a potential threat, but Arthur reached up and cupped Merlin's face between his hands, holding him still.

"Merlin, listen to me," Arthur said, smoothing his thumb across Merlin's cheek. "Listen, it is my life and my decision whether to go or fight to stay, not yours."

"But Arthur, you have…." Merlin gulped back sobs that threatened to come out, and said, "I just want you safe."

"I know you do. You always have rescued me, even when I didn't know it," Arthur murmured. "But I know it now, and it's my choice, not yours, Merlin. You have to let me decide."

Letting out a little gulp, Merlin looked into Arthur's eyes, seeing the determination and resolve there, and nodded.

Arthur didn't let Merlin go, just shifted so that his hand encircled Merlin's wrist, holding him close, then looked past him to Santa Claus. "I have concerns as well."

Nodding, Santa said, "Arthur, I promise you are not in any danger. You are merely going elsewhere, away from Merlin, to begin a new life. To learn what you need to know for the fight ahead."

That seemed to satisfy Arthur. Holding Merlin still, almost as if he were afraid Merlin would do something spectacularly stupid, Arthur said, "Sir, from everything that I've read, you wish goodwill to all and harm to none. Can you promise me that Merlin will be safe?"

Merlin glared at Arthur. "He's not threatening me, you prat. I won't have you sacrifice yourself again. I won't. Not for me."

Sighing, Arthur twisted Merlin around and put both hands on Merlin's shoulders. "Merlin, have you listened at all? He talks of destiny and a new life, that I am needed to keep Albion from ruin. How can I ignore that?" Arthur shook Merlin a little. "Duty would have me save them, as I would have saved Camelot had I the chance."

Hating how much Arthur looked like his old self, a king determined to do the best for his people even if it cost him everything, resigned, Merlin said, "Gods, I hate your self-sacrificing crap. All it ever did was get yourself killed." He turned his head to glare at Santa Claus. "Look, Santa, Saint Nicholas, whatever, take me instead. I've lived long enough. Arthur deserves to…."

Scowling at Merlin, Arthur said, "And you yell at me about self-sacrifice, you idiot?"

Seeming to grow impatient, looking at the very ornate watch on his wrist, Santa said, "Arthur isn't going to die. But he won't remember you until the time is right."

"What?" Merlin said, appalled, but Arthur just nodded, almost as if he expected it.

"Say your good-byes. The hour grows late, and I cannot hold time back much longer." Santa patted his watch, then nodded toward the chimney. "And I have other duties this night."

Reaching up, one palm cupping Arthur's face, Merlin said, "Arthur, listen to me, listen. I'm sorry I never told you a long time ago about things, about my magic and all the things I'd done for you and… I know you loved Gwen and I was happy for you but honestly, I wanted it to be me. I love you. I always will. I just wanted you to know."

"I know." Arthur turned his face and kissed Merlin's palm. "I was never good with words, but I feel the same. When I come back, we can figure it out, then, okay?" Then as Merlin finally gave up trying to stop the tears, Arthur pulled him into a hug, wiping the grief off Merlin's face with his fingertips. "Hey, don't cry. You wouldn't want me to call you a girl, would you?"

Merlin gave him a weak chuckle. "No, call me idiot instead."

"My idiot," Arthur said, his voice as fond and full of love as Merlin had ever heard.

With an anguished smile, Merlin said, "My prat."

At that, Arthur leaned in, giving Merlin a kiss, the merest touch of lips, then he stepped back, letting Merlin go. Shivering, already cold from the loss of Arthur's embrace, in the distance, over the pounding of his heart, Merlin could hear the last few chimes of a distant church bell.

Staring at Arthur, Merlin almost didn't hear Santa Claus say, "Fear not, Merlin of Ealdor. You will see him again. I will contact you when the time is right. Until then, farewell."

With that, just as Christmas day's bells rang out in the city, welcoming a new day, Santa Claus and Arthur vanished, and Merlin was left alone.

Again.