Chapter 8: Trauma
When Meredith hit the icy water, she hit her head on something hard, probably debris for the accident. She had only one thing on her mind – saving Derek. Everything started to go dark and as Meredith slipped from consciousness, she thought, "there is so much more I have to say."
When Meredith gained consciousness, she was standing in a trauma room, completely dry, dressed in her light blue scrubs. She couldn't see the face of the patient, but she recognized all of the surgeons working intensely. She wasn't quite sure how she got there, or what she was supposed to do. "Dr. Bailey?" she asked quietly, not wanting to disturb the work the team was performing.
Suddenly, Mr. Clarence stood beside her. Instead of his suit, he was also dressed in light blue scrubs. "She can't hear you," Mr. Clarence stated firmly. "You broke the time space continuum," Mr. Clarence continued as Meredith strained to remember her Physics 101 class. He turned to Meredith and took hold of her elbow. "I can no longer grant your wish."
Meredith looked at him quizzically, "What wish?" she asked. "Are you a genie or something?"
Mr. Clarence seemed annoyed. "No. I am not a genie. I was sent to help you. You wished to never be born. When you jumped into the bay to save Derek, you destroyed any chance of erasing you from this life."
"I am so confused," she asked with desperation in her voice. As the doctors scurried around the bed, Meredith got a glimpse of the patient, and she gasped, "Is that me?" She turned to look at Mr. Clarence, but he was gone.
Instead, she saw a heart broken Dr. Bailey say "We've been at this for over an hour. We should prepare for…."
Dr. Webber did not let Bailey finish her thought. He shouted, "No. I have seen people last like this for 4 hours. She is young and healthy. She is Ellis Grey's little girl. She's not dead until she's warm and dead." When Meredith heard that statement, she fainted.
When a nurse left the trauma room to get more blood, Bailey looked up from Meredith's body on the table, and saw a nervous Izzie Stevens trying to get a look before the door closed. Bailey walked out of the exam room, turning toward the interns who gathered nervously. "I know you are all concerned," she said in a voice that straddled kindness and authority. "It doesn't do anyone any good with the four of you standing here. Go to work and save lives."
Izzy Stevens stepped forward. "But Dr. Bailey," she said, "we are her family. If one of us were in there," she gestured toward the trauma room. "Meredith would be here."
George coughed nervously and said, "With all due respect Dr. Bailey, Meredith has always been here for every one of us." He turned toward Bailey. "When Tucker had his accident, she sat at his bedside all night, just so you knew there was someone there for you." He gestured toward Izzy and said "She helped Izzy keep Denny alive when she cut his LVAD wire. She got the group to help Alex study for his board exam, even when everyone was mad at him for sleeping with Olivia. Please, Dr. Bailey."
Derek Shepherd sat shivering on the floor, still wet and cold from jumping into the bay to save Meredith. He heard the interns' pleas. Dr. Bailey started to speak, but Derek looked up from the floor and said "Stevens and O'Malley are right. They are her family. Let them stay."
"Fine," Bailey said. "Just don't make too much noise, stay out of the way, and be aware," her head pointed to Derek. She wanted to be sure that the interns would not further upset Derek.
On another floor of the hospital, Addison heard all the talk about Meredith's accident, and she was conflicted. For months, she wanted Meredith out of the picture, but she didn't want her to die. Concerned about Derek, she decided to assess the situation for herself. There was a tiny idea in the back of her head. If something happened to Meredith, could she get Derek back? She was ashamed of herself and looked sheepishly at Derek as she walked into the trauma room.
After what felt like several hours to the interns, Addison emerged and diverted her glance away from Derek. Before the interns could speak, she said "Her temp is only 86, and there still is no heartbeat. It doesn't look good; you should prepare yourselves." And with that, Addison walked away from the interns, her nemesis and especially from Derek. She knew that Derek never loved her the way he loved Meredith, and that crushed her.
"Prepare ourselves?" Cristina shouted incredulously. "That's what we tell the family before we call time of death." Cristina didn't look at her friends and started to walk away in Addison's direction.
"Where do you think you're going?" Izzy called to Cristina.
"I'm not doing this. I can't stay here," she replied as she started walking down the hall, away from Meredith's room.
Back in the trauma room as the doctors worked passionately to save her, Meredith came to and found herself sitting in a chair at the back of the room. She looked up and saw her mother, dressed in dark blue scrubs, standing next to her. "Am I dead? Is this the brain thing, the ketamine neurotransmitter thing?" she asked her mother.
In a matter-of-fact way, Ellis answered "No."
Meredith rose and stood in front of her mother. "What is going on?" she asked. She got no answer from Ellis who was intently watching Preston Burke connect a heart-lung bypass machine to her daughter. "I don't think we're supposed to be here," Meredith said to her mother.
"No, we're not," Ellis answered curtly. "We don't have much time, and I can't coddle you now. You need to come with me." Ellis lightly grasped Meredith's hand.
"What about your surgery?" she asked her mother as Ellis opened the trauma room door. Ellis simply shook her head 'no,' and said, "I will explain."
Instead of being in the hospital hallway as she expected, Meredith and her mother walked out onto a deck overlooking a beautiful backyard. As Meredith turned from her mother to examine her surroundings, she saw Derek playing with three children and a dog. The kids were taking turns hitting a tether ball, and Derek was trying to teach them the basics about baseball. The dog was chasing an occasional squirrel, but always came back to be close to the action.
Ellis began to speak. "The oldest girl in the pink sundress, her name is Zola. You and Derek will adopt her. She will come to Seattle through a program that Alex puts together to treat children from Malawi. Quite frankly, I would have thought that you would be developing the program, but that's neither here nor there." Ellis caught herself slipping into her 'demanding mother' role and she stopped herself before she warned Meredith about Adele and the Alzheimer's trial. "Zola has spina bifida, and Derek will do her surgery. He will fall immediately in love with her and so will you. You will have a fight on your hands, but your love for this girl will persevere, and she will become your daughter."
Meredith giggled as she watched as Derek helped the blonde-haired blue-eyed boy swing the bat. The boy was wearing a red t-shirt with a superhero on the front and khaki shorts. "His name is Derek Bailey, but you will call him Bailey. You will name him 'Bailey' because Dr. Bailey will save your life – again- after you give birth to him." Ellis shakes her head. "Honestly, Meredith, I don't know," Ellis stopped herself from completing that thought. She realized that her habits were hard to break, and her criticism of Meredith only served to widen the gap between mother and daughter.
Meredith was mesmerized by the scene in front of her. "Who is that?" Meredith asked as she pointed to the youngest child, a little girl with curly brown hair, wearing a yellow romper. Her steps were tentative, and Meredith assumed she was still learning to walk. Derek picked her up and handed her the bat. It was bigger than her, but she did try to swing. She giggled loudly tossing the bat to the ground. Still holding the little girl, Derek kissed her cheek and said, "You sound just like Mommy."
"You will name her after me," Ellis said interrupting Meredith's reverie. "Ellis Grey Shepherd. And the dog, you will name him 'Doc 2.0."
"So, what is this?" Meredith asked as she turned toward her mother. "Is this supposed to be my future?" Meredith's voice crackled a little, her fear starting to seep through.
"Only if you want it," Ellis replied.
The scene in front of them dissolved, and Meredith and Ellis found themselves sitting on the porch swing in front of Meredith's house. Meredith's voice started to treble as she began to share her fears with her mother. "I am afraid to want it. What if I'm not good enough? What if Derek realizes that I'm too damaged to be a wife and a mother? What happens if I screw it up? It's not only my life, but I could destroy the lives of Derek and those three beautiful children." Meredith leaned over, her head in her hands, and started to cry. "I can't have that on my conscious. And I won't put them through what I went through. I'd rather be dead."
Ellis cleared her throat and started to put her arm around her daughter. She thought again and drew back. "I did a terrible job raising you Meredith," Ellis said softly. "I thought about being better, but I was afraid to love you. I didn't love Thatcher. The only person I ever loved was Richard, and when he left me, I was broken, too involved in my own self-pity to realize the beautiful child I had before me." Tears formed in Ellis' eyes.
Meredith was crying as well, and she wiped away her tears with her hand. With anger rising in her voice, she stood up, turned to Ellis and said, "You abandoned me. You slit your wrists in front of me and I sat in a pool of your blood. What did you think would happen to me? You only noticed me when I did something that did not live up to the great 'Ellis Grey' standards. Even with everything I accomplished, you called me ordinary." Meredith raised her voice. She was still confused about everything happening but the pent-up anger she felt toward her mother was coming through.
Ellis cringed. She knew the truth. To realize that Meredith also knew the truth shook her. "I'm sorry, Meredith," Ellis confessed. She turned toward Meredith, held both of her hands and whispered, "I see my mistakes clearly now." After a long pause, Ellis went on, "You are anything but ordinary, Meredith."
Ellis continued. "It was so much easier to work than to be your mother. I knew what I was doing when I held a scalpel in my hand. When I looked into your sad eyes, it touched a deep sadness inside of me, and I ran. I am sorry I failed you."
Meredith's brow scrunched, and she said, "Who are you? My mother never had a kind word to say to me."
Ellis was guilty and could not look at Meredith. "This is my heart speaking to you, saying all the things I never could before. Meredith, every good thing you are happened despite me."
Meredith continued through her tears. "I may be dying right now, and I have a man who thoroughly and deeply loves me, and I can't really love him back. Do you realize how stupid that is?" Meredith was overcome by emotion and she laid her head on Ellis' shoulder. Ellis gently stroked her hair.
"You saw what the future would be without you. If you die, you will destroy the people you call your family. Cristina will turn into me, a cold, ambitious surgeon who cares only about her career and making a name for herself. And Derek, you are soul mates, and if you die, he will never love again. He will become a bitter lonely man living in his trailer," Ellis explained. "You will change them forever. Izzy, George and Alex too."
Meredith sat up and began to hyperventilate. In tears, she said, "This is not the legacy I want to leave behind. What can I do now, Mommy?"
Ellis cupped her daughter's face gently. "Meredith, you have to want it. You have to fight the demons that tell you to be afraid and to run. You need to trust in the future. You can have an extraordinary life, but you have to wake up and see what is in front of you. You have to wake up."
Izzy grabbed Cristina by the elbow and yanked her back to the present moment. "Where are you going? She is your person, Cristina. Do you know how envious I have been about what the two of you have?" Izzy cried.
Cristina's eyes grew cold and her expression was frozen. "You don't understand. I'm not a civilian. I know the science. I can't stand by and watch her die." Cristina pushed Izzy away before she could hug her, saying "No" and starting to walk away.
Izzy felt exasperated; she realized the severity of the passing hours the doctors worked on Meredith. "If you don't say good-bye to your person, you will never forgive yourself."
Cristina stopped. She had witnessed many people die in her short tenure as an intern. But this, the possibility of losing Meredith, paralyzed her. She remembered her father's death, her nine-year-old hands feeling the life leave his body as they waited for the paramedics.
She watched as a nurse left Meredith's room, and before the door closed, Cristina walked in numbly. She saw the exasperation in the doctors' eyes. After hours of work, they were ready to give up. 'This cannot be it,' she thought. 'I have to do something.' At the foot of Meredith's bed, Cristina grabbed onto Meredith's feet, and willed a life force into her lifeless friend. "Try again," she said as the doctors looked at each other sheepishly. They had given up but didn't know what to do with Cristina in the room. "Try again," she shouted with force.
Cristina's determination shocked them into action. Bailey looked desperately at Dr. Webber who nodded, and agreed, "All right, one more round of ACLS drugs."
The drugs were administered, and everyone in the room held their breath, staring at Meredith's heart monitor, praying for a miracle. After what seemed like an eternity, the machine let out a beep, followed by another one. Bailey hurried her stethoscope to Meredith's chest with great anticipation and listened. "Sinus rhythm," she exclaimed. There was a collective sigh in the room, and in spirit, as life began to beat in Meredith's heart.
On another floor of the hospital, a code blue was called, but the team was too late. Somewhere, Ellis grabbed Mr. Clarence's hand and whispered, "Thank you."
When Meredith began to breathe over the vent, they extubated her. Cristina stood at the foot of the bed, still holding tight to Meredith's feet as the nurses removed the machinery and the doctors left to tend to their other patients. There was still a potential for brain damage, so when Meredith began to moan, Cristina became excited. Her friend could be coming back.
She ran to the head of the bed and gently cupped the space around Meredith's face. As Meredith continued to make unrecognizable sounds, Cristina excitedly said "I don't understand you. Try again. Please. Please. Your brain works, so all you need to do is form a word."
Meredith was clearly in pain and her throat was sore from the intubation tube. Despite all her pain, she whispered "Ouch."
Mark finally convinced Derek to take a shower and change clothes so he was not there when Meredith's heart began to beat. Dr. Bailey wanted to check Meredith's neural function before notifying Derek. They got Meredith cleaned up and transferred upstairs. Dr. Bailey met Derek coming out of the attending's lounge and told him the good news. He was incredibly grateful that Meredith survived, but he had a nagging suspicion. 'She is a good swimmer,' he thought. He also needed to tell Meredith that her mother died. So many emotions spinning in his head and heart.
Derek stood at the doorway of Meredith's room, watching her sleep. He smiled when she stirred, trying to open her eyes. She moved her body painfully, and when she opened her eyes, she saw Derek standing in the doorway. "Hey," they both say to each other at the same time.
Derek walked over to the bed and stroked her head. He spoke in a whisper, "Meredith . . . "
"My mother is dead, isn't she?" Meredith asked.
Derek was bewildered. "How did you know," he asked.
"It doesn't matter," Meredith began. "I have to tell you something."
"Tomorrow, Meredith. We can talk tomorrow. You need your rest," he told her.
Meredith was determined and continued. "No, I need to say this and I'm not going to rest until I do. I know I don't talk when bad things happen. I know I scared you in the bathtub. Cristina told me that you found me in the water. Something happened to me there. I did swim. I did fight, but my head was spinning. Between what my mother said to me when she was lucid and what happened to me with my father, I was overwhelmed. All I could hear were their words. 'You're not wanted. You are nothing more than ordinary.' I thought for just a second 'what's the point,' and I stopped fighting. I wished I had never been born. The pain was just too much. I mean, if your parents who are genetically engineered to love you hate you, what hope do you have? I believed there was something fundamentally wrong with me."
Derek was shaken by this confession and wanted her to stop and rest. "Meredith," he started. But she would not be stopped and motioned to Derek to sit on the bed. She took his hand in hers and continued.
"I thought that if I let you in, that if you saw the real me, you would leave me, and I would be destroyed," she admitted.
"Meredith," he sighed and gave her his best McDreamy smile, "that's simply not true. I can never leave you."
Meredith tried to sit up but felt a pain in her ribs. "I know that now, Derek. But for the last few days, those thoughts were swirling in my head, getting all dark and twisty. But then, I realized that I did not want to die without having a life with you. I love you and I know you love me. You were breathing for me when I couldn't, and now I want to breathe with you."
Meredith scooted over to the far side of the bed and motioned for Derek to join her. He looked at her questioningly, and she nodded yes. She heard his shoes plop onto the floor, and he lay down facing her. "I still may get dark and twisty," she confessed.
Derek smiled broadly as he carefully placed his arm around her waist. "Being dark and twisty isn't a flaw, Meredith. It's a strength. You don't freeze when there's a crisis. You move forward, and you get the rest of us to move forward too. It's because you've seen worse, survived worse and you know the rest of us will survive too." He stopped briefly, uncertain if he should take the next step, but Meredith hadn't been this open to him since before Addison came to town. He continued, "I love you Meredith Grey, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
Meredith's smile matched his own. "And I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Derek Shepherd. We are going to have a wonderful life. A wonderful life." They shared a tender kiss. She was still sore, and she grimaced a little as she turned around with her back to Derek. He pulled her close. With all the panic and heart ache the day had brought him, he knew it was over. He could sleep soundly with her, knowing in his bones that they would indeed have a wonderful life together.
Several years from now, on a sunny summer day in Seattle, Meredith will walk onto her deck and watch her husband playing baseball with their children. "Who wants some lemonade?" she asks. Derek and their kids gather around. He puts his arm around Meredith's shoulder and kisses her lightly on the cheek.
When Meredith was younger, she never imagined her life to be anything than it was, lonely and silent. She is so grateful for everything she has been given and she is optimistic about the future. Somewhere, Ellis Grey holds Mr. Clarence's hand as they watch this beautiful moment. "Thank you again for helping me with this, Mir. Clarence."
He squeezes her hand and says, "That's what angels are for."
A/N: Thank you for reading this. I would love to get your feedback, so please feel free to provide your comments.