Entry 8: Resolution
Summary: With Geoffrey gone, Angela reflects on his absence from her house and life.
In fewer than three weeks, Geoffrey Wells has become little more than a distant memory around the house. I think that I may be the only one anymore who remembers that he was a fairly constant presence for six months. After we, I guess you'd say broke up, I wasn't sure how to tell everyone, or even whether to say anything at all, not sure how big of an issue to make of it. In the end, I said nothing right away. I figured Mother already knew, and had full confidence she was the impetus behind Tony's ascension to my window. And the kids would find out soon enough, if Tony hadn't already told them.
It took a few days, but Jonathan eventually became curious – observant as he is – and over dinner one night asked why I wasn't out with Geoffrey. The way Samantha's head popped up with sudden interest, I could tell she was curious as well, but too polite to ask. I simply said that Geoffrey and I had decided that we would no longer be seeing each other, so he wouldn't be coming around anymore. My ten-year-old son took the explanation at face value and turned to ask Tony some pressing question about his lizard, which was a clear indication of how little impact Geoffrey had had on Jonathan's life. Sam apparently concluded that if Jonathan could ask the initial question, she could follow up. She tentatively asked what had happened, and I had to rush to reassure Tony the question was perfectly alright. I was honest and said that Geoffrey had proposed and I realized that as much as I liked him, I didn't love him. At the mention of marriage, Jonathan turned his attention back and he and Sam could not contain their curiosity. I fielded a few more questions, explaining that I wasn't ready to marry Geoffrey and that I was happy with our family as it is. Tony then very pointedly asked Sam if she had some homework to do, signaling an end to the discussion. Since that night, neither of the children has mentioned Geoffrey again, even in passing, like a "remember when" story or a casual inquiry about whether I've heard from him. He really just sort of faded off their radar.
That same night, after dinner, Tony made an effort to apologize for Sam's forwardness as we cleared the supper dishes. I assured him again that she was not out of line. I didn't add that it occurred to me that she probably had a right to wonder how my decision to remarry might impact her and Tony living here. Truth be told, she had as much at stake as anyone else in the house.
And then, very tentatively, Tony asked how I was doing. Even as I write this, I'm cursing the limits of memory because, as with so many of our conversations, I wish I could remember every word and intonation. I remember telling him I was fine, and he asked if I missed Geoffrey. I said yes, but honestly, not as much as I thought I should. I know the conversation sounds mundane, but there was so much more passing between us than just words. They were almost superfluous to the simple kindness and friendship that his words offered. It was a relief to talk to someone, and there was no one I'd have rather been talking to than Tony. When we parted company for the evening, with an uncommon amount of lingering and stalling, I really felt like the whole situation was behind me. It only took three days. I don't know whether that's good or bad.
Since that night, Tony, too, has refrained from mentioning Geoffrey, whether deliberately or because Geoffrey has slipped as quietly into oblivion for Tony as with the kids. As for me, my life has gone on remarkably uninterrupted. There were no bouts of crying, regrets, or second guessing. I didn't wait by the phone hoping he'd call, or debate whether to break down and call him. I just picked up where I left off, going to work and coming home to my family. I have thought about him occasionally, and there have been times when I've missed him, but like I told Tony, the feelings have not been as acute as perhaps they should be for someone who had contemplated marriage.
Ultimately, I've come to accept that the reason it didn't work between Geoffrey and me is because there was no place for him in my life. I'm am fulfilled by my career, my children, and – well – in other areas, too. I have a family I love dearly, and truthfully, I'm not willing, or maybe even able, to have someone in my life who is supposed to be more important to me than Tony. I don't think any man could be more important to me than he is. There was nothing in my relationship with Geoffrey that was uniquely fulfilling. Even having someone show his affection was, in the end, not enough. That's not to say I don't miss or want to be hugged and kissed and held, and reminded that I'm a woman, but I'm coming to realize that there may only be one man who can provide that along with all of the other aspects of a relationship that are important. We may never be more than the very best of friends, and I think now I'm willing to say that's okay. I don't know what's going to happen, but I've never felt more sure that what I already have is close enough to what I want to make me happy, and that's a damn good feeling.