J

Monday morning. Third period.

I take long strides to Ms. Manoban's office. We haven't talked since Saturday morning. It's not that I've been waiting to see if she calls or texts me—like a test—but if it were a test, Lisa would have a solid F.

"Good morning," she says, keeping her attention glued to her computer screen as I close the door, drop my bag, and sit in the chair opposite hers.

"Good morning, stranger. Ever heard of a phone?" Okay, I suck a little at not starting shit that doesn't need to be started. I blame it on my youth, an excuse I plan on riding until I'm thirty.

"I'm not texting you. We don't need a traceable record." She leans back, folding her hands on her abs.

"But you can use it like a telephone."

"Traceable."

"Wow … have you been talking with my mom?"

"Jesus, Jennie …" She cringes. "Please don't tell me you told your mom about us."

"I told Juni, but my mom butted in and took over our conversation."

She shakes her head, like she's trying to clear it. "Cut the Juni and mom crap. Why would you do that? You want to see me lose my job?"

"What? No. She's not going to say anything to anyone."

"You shouldn't have said anything to anyone. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. Not while you're a student here." She stands, running her hands through her hair while pacing the tiny windowless office.

That's it. I'm calling Rosé as soon as I get home. Someone needs to be happy that I'm in love, that I saved myself for the woman I want to marry. I'm nineteen for God's sake. We were two consenting adults. Lisa's a guidance counselor, not my teacher or principal. What's the big fucking deal?

"Your not calling or texting has nothing to do with someone finding out. You regret what happened. Don't you?"

"No." She stops, resting her hands on her hips, chin dropped to her chest.

"Well, that's a convincing answer. Nothing about your defeated posture would ever lead me to believe that you regret what happened."

"It's not black and white, Jennie. What do you want me to do? Tattoo your name on my forehead and fuck you on the lunchroom table?"

"No." My lips twist. "We're not even allowed to sit on the lunchroom tables. And I don't know what the weight threshold is for them."

"Jennie …" She rubs her hand over her mouth.

I stand, making my way around her desk. "Are you grinning, Ms. Manoban?" I pull her hand away from her face, revealing her grin.

"I'm serious, Ms. Manoban. If we broke one of the lunchroom tables, Principal Rafferty would not only expel both of us, she'd report us to the police for vandalism. Besides … I'm not ready to let you inside of me again. I'm going to get a graduated series of dildos in various sizes to prep that area a little better. If you know where you'd fall on a chart compared to the approximated mean penile dimensions … that would be helpful."

She attempts to wipe another smirk from her face before I see it. "Go bust someone else's balls. I have work to do."

Someone knocks on the door. I back up a safe distance.

"Come in."

"Ms. Manoban, I need to talk to you," Danielle, a girl in my class, says.

"Okay. Jennie was just leaving."

Keeping my back to Danielle, I grin. Lisa maintains her neutral guidance counselor smile as her gaze returns to me, but something in her eyes changes, a spark of adoration that I'm certain only I can see. I mouth, "I love you."

She returns a barely detectable nod and a tiny twitch at the corner of her mouth.

"Hey, Danielle. Keep an eye on Ms. Manoban. I caught her sitting on her desk. She has no regard for school property. We'd hate for her to get caught by Principal Rafferty." I flash her a smile without looking back at Lisa.

Before she shuts the door, she says, "Yeah, Ms. Manoban. Principal Rafferty is a real stickler about that stuff."

I giggle.

"Hey, Barrett." I carry a batch of my favorite cookies up the ramp to the Manoban's porch.

Lisa's not home from school yet. Just as well. The cookies aren't for her.

"Hey, young lady." He sets his can of pop on the table next to his wheelchair.

"What did you say?" a lady calls from inside the house.

"Talking to my young friend, not you, Etta."

"I thought we were friends." She looks out the screen door at us.

I give her a shy wave with one hand while I hold the cookies in my other hand.

"We're friends, Etta, but sorry … I can't call you young when you're older than I am."

She shakes her head, tightening her gray-haired pony tail at the nape of her neck. "He's a pill. Good luck, young friend." Etta walks back in the house.

"Brought you some cookies." I hold out the plate.

Barrett eyes them. "They smell like the good kind."

Of course he can smell them. Rosé thinks they smell disgusting, but she sure likes how she feels after eating one.

"My favorite cookies."

He takes one. "Thank you."

I sit next to him.

"You're not having any?"

"I brought them for you. I have school work to do tonight."

"Freshman year?"

"Seni—" I swallow my answer and cough to buy a few seconds to get my shit together. "Sorry … yes. Freshman. Just some online classes. I'm not really ready for college full-time. Next year I'm going to travel."

"Travel, huh? Where to?"

"The world." I shrug. "I have this restlessness. It's not something that I've always had, but my accident changed something for me, and I just can't be part of the herd anymore. I'll go crazy."

Barrett stares at me. I'm sure I already sound crazy or just like a typical young person with no direction whatsoever. "If I could get up out of this wheelchair and walk, I'd sell everything I own and buy a boat to travel the world … and I'd never look back."

"YOLO."

"You only live once." He nods. "You going for a ride today?"

"No. I'm a little sore from Angelina." And your daughter.

"I'll have Duke get you a padded seat for the saddle. And he probably needs to adjust the stirrups so you can spread your weight more evenly between your legs and your bum."

And how about sex with your daughter? What do you recommend to ease that pain? I smile. "Thanks. I'd like that."

"Here comes trouble." He nods to Alice as Lisa pulls down the lane.

"I love her van."

"Really?" Barrett sounds surprised.

"Really." And I love your daughter too.

Lisa gets out, slinging her bag over her shoulder and loosening her tie. I've never seen anything so sexy in my life … except naked Lisa.

"Jennie here likes your van. You should let her drive it sometime."

Lisa's lips purse as she walks up the ramp. "Hmm … I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"When a pretty young thing like Jennie shows interest in your van, you should jump on that opportunity. Ask her out on a date or something like that."

"I don't date." She gives her dad a look. I can't quite decipher it.

"And I don't have a driver's license." I give Barrett a tight grin when he shoots me the same incredulous look he gave me when I said I liked Lisa's van. "My accident happened around the time other kids my age were learning to drive and getting their permits. I went to physical therapy instead. Walking was a pretty big accomplishment."

I hold out the plate of cookies to Barrett. He winks at me and takes another cookie. It's our wordless exchange that I know, at least in part, how devastating it is to not know if you'll ever walk again.

I did.

He didn't.

And that's just the suck ass part of life.

"Teach the girl how to drive, Lisa."

Lisa glances down at me. "How about I make dinner instead?" She returns her attention to her dad.

"Too late." Etta comes out the door. "Chili's in the Crock-Pot. It should be ready in about an hour. You're welcome." She pinches Lisa's arm before heading down the ramp. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight and thank you," Lisa says.

"Well, there you go. You have an hour to start Jennie's driving lessons."

"Etta just left. I can't leave you."

Barrett holds up his hands. "I'll be right here, being good."

Lisa seems conflicted. I don't know what to say.

"Go." Barrett takes the cookies from me.

"One more is your limit. Okay?" I warn him.

He winks. "Yes, ma'am."

"We'll be right back." Lisa keeps giving her dad a look.

"And I'll be right here. Promise."

Lisa nods slowly and heads down the ramp while I follow her. She opens the driver's door for me. I hold back my scream because LISA IS LETTING ME DRIVE ALICE!

I fasten my seatbelt and look over at her as she continues to hold the door open. "Lisa Manoban, I have never loved you as much as I do in this very moment."

"Don't kill Alice." She lifts a brow in warning just before shutting the door.

I start Alice.

"Whoa …" She jumps in and fastens her seatbelt. "You need to wait until I'm ready for you to start her."

"Dude, I'm in automotive class. I can start a vehicle all by myself."

"So you've never driven a car … like at all?"

"Well …" I put Alice in drive and ease up on the brake.

"Well what?"

"Nothing." I wave to Barrett and he waves back.

"Both hands on the wheel."

I smirk, placing both hands on the steering wheel as we crawl down the gravel lane.

"Let's go to that old road that runs just north of your house. Very little traffic."

I nod, pulling out onto the main road.

"Good job."

I chuckle. "Thanks, teach."

"You've driven a car before, haven't you?"

"Driven. Borrowed. Stolen."

"Jennie Kim …"

"Lisa Manoban …" I mock her. "Before you go all guidance counselor on me, the stolen car was not technically stolen; it was borrowed. But the owner and I disagreed on that little detail, so it got reported as stolen, and I did a little community service and wrote a long letter of apology. No biggie."

"What have I gotten myself into?" she mumbles.

"Tell me about Alice. Why did you choose her? I mean … you know it makes you undeniably irresistible in my eyes, but she's a lot of awesomeness for the average girl."

She shrugs. "She was my mom's."

"I would have loved your mom."

Lisa nods. "She would have loved you too."

That gives me more than a moment's pause. It's a beautiful sentiment that makes me feel incredibly special.

"Why does leaving your dad by himself for an hour freak you out so much? I saw the looks you gave him. What's up with that?"

"He's unpredictable."

"I'm unpredictable."

"He can be a danger to himself."

I know what she means, but it's not my favorite topic because it hits close to home. "Well, that ramp is a little steep. Is it up to code?"

Lisa misses my humor. Instead, she stares out her window. "Where are we going?"

I park at the entrance to the Phillips estate.

"I'm not ready to meet your parents."

"Let's go." I climb out and open the gate.

"Jennie?" She follows me.

"Hush. We have less than an hour." The gates open. I look back and offer my hand.

She shakes her head.

"You're not meeting my parents."

Lisa wastes another thirty seconds of not trusting me before taking my hand. I guide her down a trail to a breathtaking lookout area probably forty feet above the stream. A fallen tree connects our hill to one on the other side of the stream. I step up onto it and start walking across it like a balance beam.

"Jennie, don't do that."

"Come on." I stop and hold out my hand again.

"No. I can't die today."

I grin. "I can walk across this blindfolded. Wanna see?"

"No. I want you to come back here."

"You swim with sharks. That takes big balls and good balance."

"That's different."

My head tilts to the side. "I've seen your balls. They're huge."

She fights a grin.

I put my hands on my hips, not fazed at all by the forty-foot drop below me. "Okay. Let's say you die. Then what?"

"Then I won't be able to take care of my dad."

"So your sister has to do it."

She doesn't respond.

"Right?"

Lisa nods once.

"The school hires a new guidance counselor. I find someone with a name cooler than Lisa but that still sounds stellar with Jennie." I hold out my arms, palms up. "There you go. Now you know."

"Know what?"

"That life will go on if you die. Don't sweat it. Everything is temporary."

She eats up another few minutes with her worry. I shrug and make my way to the middle where I squat and straddle the trunk, letting my legs dangle in the cool air. A grin pulls at my lips when she steps on the end of the log. Looking only at me, Lisa walks with the ease of a cat to meet me in the middle. She straddles it, facing me. I glance between us at the carved letters in the log.

Jennie

Lisa traces my name with her finger then glances up to meet my gaze.

I smile. "I carved it a week after I started to walk again. But …" I swallow back the emotions that come with the memories. "I couldn't balance very well. Sadly, I didn't care. If I'm honest, I wondered what it would feel like to fall."

"Why? You were finally able to walk again."

"Yes, but everything hurt. Walking. Sitting. Going to the bathroom. Rolling over at night. Just … everything. And while I wanted to walk, my reasons for it were much more different than what everyone thought." Giving her a sad smile, I lift a shoulder. "Just as I started to fall from this very spot, my stepdad, Zach, grabbed my arm. I didn't know he followed me. But my mom asked him to keep an eye on me when she couldn't because she said …" I drag in a shaky breath of courage. I'm not that person who wants to die anymore, but the memories of that person will never disappear. "She said I was a danger to myself."

A slight flinch pulls at Lisa's brow.

With my finger, I trace the plus after my name, over and over. "Zach straddled the tree right here, holding me with my back to his front. I cried for the life I thought I'd never have. Who would love me when I hated my miserable existence? I was addicted to pain meds, a year behind in school, and in spite of it all, I was expected to have this gratitude for just being alive. Do you know how hard it was for me to not throat punch everyone who told me to look at the bright side?"

Lisa scoots forward until our knees touch.

"Zach pulled out a pocket knife and handed it to me. He said I needed a goal, and he told me to make it personal, completely selfish, and a pivotal moment in my life. So I carved this because I knew if the day ever came that I finished it, it would mean that I was okay. More than okay. It means that the pain paid off. I'm still here, and…" I pull the keys out of my pocket and use one to carve Lisa "…it means someone loves me."

When I finish, she takes the keys from me, wearing a grin as she glances down at the creek. It's entirely believable that I would accidentally drop them. I match her smile.

Lisa grabs my hips and slides me so my legs rest on top of hers. It steals some of my balance, but I know she's got me. I wrap my arms around her neck.

"Jennie plus Lisa," she whispers.

"Jennie plus Lisa," I whisper back a second before she kisses me.