Content Warning: This story explores themes of suicide and mental health.
PART 2: THE HOUSE OF DAYDREAMS
CHAPTER 5
The rain didn't halt. Mai couldn't decide if this weather were a blessing that kept the streets empty as she barrelled through them once again without an umbrella - or if it was just her usual, awful luck that caught her in the rain in the first place.
After wringing out her clothes so she at least gave the appearance of professionalism from a distance, Mai approached Naru's office door holding the familiar tea tray on her hip. She'd planned to stay at her desk for at least an hour to mentally prepare for her impending death by embarrassment, but Yasuhara caught her attention and nodded towards Naru's office door.
She settled for making tea first to ease the tension of the meeting but ended up downing two cups while standing at the kitchen counter to calm her own nerves. By then, Naru's tea had grown cold, and she had to start brewing his cup all over again.
Now, it was just growing dark, and the office would be closing within the hour. It was now officially the end of the week. She had to get to signing her contract now or else she might not have a job to come back to tomorrow. With that in mind, she knocked swiftly.
One day, Mai hoped she'd be able to enter Naru's office without feeling like she had to apologize for it.
Walking in, she placed the tea cup at Naru's elbow, but her eyes peaked at his computer screen in the process. Of course, he was writing in English, but even Mai recognized the Cambridge letterhead at the top of the page. Department of Parapsychology, it read with the BSPR company logo listed in the top corner as a contributor.
She forgot sometimes that Naru and his father were both employees of BSPR and also associates of the university. Though, she admitted that she wasn't quite sure what Naru's role was at either institution. She knew he wasn't a professor, and Madoka had told her he had yet to go to college. Yet, everything she'd read referred to him as Dr. Oliver Davis.
"Is there something you need?" Naru asked, startling Mai out of her reverie.
She gathered her wits and walked around the desk to face him. If he'd seen her looking at his screen, he didn't call her out on it. He probably figures I can't read it, so he isn't concerned, she thought, and any confidence she'd built up washed out of her like the rain pouring down on the streets outside.
"Yasuhara reminded me that it's time we re-signed our company contracts," she stumbled on her words, "but I can come back later if you're busy."
Naru could say a lot of things about Mai, but being nervous or unconfident certainly weren't on that list. Conversely, she prided herself in being one of the only people who was willing to stand up to Naru. And, from what she'd gotten from Madoka's musings, it was also rather impressive that she maintained that composure now knowing he was the great Oliver Davis.
The work contract wasn't the issue here. It was the other conversation she wanted to bring up combined with the tension of all the other conversations they desperately needed to have, but weren't.
He reached under his desk and pulled out a thick packet of white papers. They were perfectly lined up, and the metal staple was aligned at a neat right angle with the corner of the page.
"Give this a read," he said as he handed the packet over, "and we can discuss it if you have any questions or concerns once you're done." His body language was trying to be casual, but his tone of voice was clipped and formal. And Mai wondered, not for the first time, if Naru were part robot.
She flipped through the pages, skimming the section headers that were the same on every other version of her SPR work contract. "Is it just the same as the old ones?" she asked.
"A few minor changes for transparency's sake, but the core of it should be similar."
As Mai read the text more closely, she found that she did recognize the way it was worded, but not from the Investigator job description she'd had these past months. She flipped the contract closed to the cover page and found Assistant typed neatly as her job title.
Any small amount of excitement and hope she'd felt evaporated on the wind along with the last measure of courage she'd scoured. She wanted to scream; she wanted to tear the paper in her hands and light them on fire as the pieces fell into the trash can. She imagined herself smashing that stupid, expensive laptop of his and using the plastic shards to stab him.
And maybe Mai should have thrown insults at him for the way he constantly insulted her, but she needed a favor from him. I'll never get into Cambridge without his help, she thought, and it'd be hard to convince Naru to recommend me to anyone if I gouged out his eyes.
Still, her response didn't need to be devoid of its typical sarcasm. "So, the JSPR branch requires two assistants, but no investigators?" Her voice was steady, easily controlled.
"Yasuhara will be working mostly as Lin's assistant. In England, Lin worked as a computer analyst that interpreted the data from cases after the field investigators returned from a case. Since Yasu has expressed interest in pursuing that career trajectory, he can get experience better by working with Lin. You'll return as my assistant," he explained.
What had Mai expected, exactly? For Naru to support her entry into Cambridge when he found chances every day to call her an idiot? Yasuhara was just as mischievous and prone to wasting time as Mai was, but he had a natural inclination for work and study. As much time as he wasted, he always got his work done while Mai barely had enough time to get her work done when fully focused.
'At least Yasuhara understands the concepts I explain to him. He can goof off all he wants for all I care,' Naru had said the last time Mai drew attention to this discrepancy.
Of course he only saw her capable of being his assistant. And, of course he would be willing to plan out Yasuhara's path to his future while pulling Mai back from any small progress she'd made in his absence. But still, he'd brought up England, so this was as good a time as any to ask.
"What are the job requirements for a field investigator at BSPR?" Not exactly what she wanted to ask, but it was a reasonable enough segue into the topic.
Naru looked discomfited as though he hadn't expected the conversation to go this route. He'd probably been waiting for me to blow up, perfect comeback at the ready, she thought, crossing her arms.
"I believe the job description only requires an undergraduate degree in one of the sciences, psychology, religion, or another relevant philosophical field. But, all of the current lead investigators, like Madoka, have PhD's in psychology or religious studies and either research experience or applied parapsychological field experience.
If Mai had any hope of bettering his opinion of her, she had to start here. At university and in research labs, she knew she'd be expected to follow her professors' procedures and protocols exactly without question. It wouldn't do to throw a hissy fit about the technicalities of her job title. At least, not yet, she reasoned with herself.
"I'll just sign the contract now," she declared, looking up to meet his eyes.
"Take it home and read it over tonight. There are very specific commitments you need to be fully prepared for before the job change officially occurs. We can talk about it more tomorrow." He closed his laptop and bent down to tuck it into the bag underneath his desk.
And, she would do just that. Read over every line, every word, and come to her Saturday shift tomorrow ready to discuss. Because, what else could she do?
Glancing at the clock, Mai realized how late it had become, and the office would be closing soon. "You got it, boss," she replied noncommittally, rising from her chair a beat after he did. At her desk, she shoved everything on her desk into her backpack. The contract, along with all of her other papers, became damp against the rain-soaked jacket that was still balled up at the bottom.
I guess I should get used to carrying an umbrella, Mai thought. It rains all the time in England, after all.
And with that promise to start being better prepared tomorrow, Mai ran down the street and all the way to the train station with her backpack raised above her head.
If Mai had decided against stabbing Naru earlier, it certainly seemed like a good idea now. This new contract was absolutely absurd. Unreasonable to the nth degree, and then some.
"I swear, I'm going to pull that stick out of his ass and beat him over the head with it!" Mai exclaimed. Sitting at the coffee table in her apartment, she flipped through the contract with one exasperated grunt after another. Whatever she'd been expecting to find in it, it certainly wasn't this.
"On the bright side, you'll get to touch big boss' ass if you go through with that threat." Mai's phone rested on the table to her side, and Yasuhara's voice projected through the speaker.
Ignoring him, Mai continued. "I guess I don't get any extra pay when cases get dangerous anymore; it's no longer an hourly wage. He switched me to a set salary."
"Mine switched to a yearly salary, too, but it isn't much different from the amount I would have made hourly," Yasu said.
"That would be fine, but do you have any job duties outside of the office?" Mai could feel her blood boiling beneath her skin.
"You mean, like, on cases?"
"No!" she slammed her fist onto the table, causing her teacup to rattle and splash onto the contract. Cursing to herself, she said, "Readings and research to be done outside of the office. 'Theoretical study', whatever the hell that means."
"That doesn't sound too far off from what I did back before I had an official office position," Yasuhara added, trying to calm his friend down.
"Yeah, but you got paid for that by the hour! It's going to take me forever to do all of these side projects, and I'm going to be getting paid the same amount whether it takes me five minutes or five hours!"
He knows how much I study for school, she thought. Sure, Mai made good grades, but that wasn't for a lack of effort. She needed hours of study to do well in school. And as much as parapsychology fascinated her, she still had to put a lot of effort into her studies. Why would he purposely put me in this position?
"It feels like sabotage," Mai relented. "Maybe he wants to dissuade me from applying to Cambridge. It certainly would be in Naru's passive-aggressive style to overload me with work to make a point."
"Mai-chan, don't start talking that way." Yasuhara could hear her losing heart. "Big boss has always encouraged you to do well in school and learn more about parapsychology. I seriously doubt he'd go out of his way to stop you from progressing. If he didn't think you belonged at Cambridge, he'd just speak with the admissions committee."
He had a point. Changing the subject, Mai asked, "What does your new contract look like?"
"A lot of the same stuff. Research the histories of case locations. Learn the equipment and computer software we use. Data collection and interpretation, that sort of thing."
"Naru had said you'd be acting more as Lin's assistant," Mai said.
Flipping through the pages of his own contract, Yasuhara said, "Not really. I'll have to stay up late on cases to mind the cameras, and he'll probably be the one to teach the software to me. But, most of what I'll be doing day to day is just normal office work and case research with Madoka."
Mai grumbled. "I guess that's just another thing he lied about."
Yasuhara was quiet on the other end of the line for a moment, before asking, "Mai-chan, are you sure this contract is the only thing that you're angry about?"
Mai chewed her lip. Of course, there were many things that were bothering her. Maybe they were just piling on top of one another until exploding. Instead, she refocused on the biggest issue she had with the contract. "It says I have to start training my abilities. With Naru."
"Come on, Mai. Are you still all anti-using-your-powers? They're seriously the coolest thing ever!"
Mai leaned back on her couch. "Maybe so, but I don't want to rely on any powers. I want to learn the science behind it all." She leaned further into the pillows around her and crossed her arms. "Isn't that what the great Oliver Davis is all about? Treating parapsychology as an evidence-based field of natural science? Madoka gets along just fine without any abilities or spiritualists on her team."
"True, but even you have to admit that having powers makes cases a hell of a lot easier. I'd kill to be able to talk to ghosts or see the future!"
"I can't do either of those things, Yasu!" Mai argued.
"Well, maybe I'd know that if you were more forthcoming about your abilities," he replied. "Is there some better reason you have for hating your powers so much?"
Mai sighed. How could she possibly explain it to someone who had never experienced the things she had? Going to sleep in strange houses not knowing if she'd have visions that night. Explaining to people that she just had a feeling about something without any proper evidence. "If my powers make me think like a wild animal, then I need to stop going off of instinct and start thinking like a scientist. No one will take me seriously at Cambridge or BSPR if they believe I can't think critically."
"Mai-chan, I highly doubt anyone's going to think you're incapable of critical thought because you have ESP."
"They will if I start relying on it like Naru seems to think I should! But then again, maybe he only values me for my powers after all," she said.
"Didn't he hire you before he even knew about your powers?"
Mai grumbled. "That turned out to be a huge act of pity from one orphan to another."
Mai recalled the early days of SPR when she was just Mai the Intern, and Naru wasn't Oliver Davis. Before Monk explained that Buddhist exorcisms could destroy human bodies and when Naru's fainting spells were just anemic episodes. Every one of those trips to the hospital had been caused by his powers, mostly to save her.
'If they're so much trouble, I don't think I want any powers,' she'd said just before finding out about her latent powers.
Mai couldn't deny that the little bit of insight her powers gave on cases made her feel special, useful even. But if there's anything Naru had already taught her about psychic abilities, it's that your powers can go to your head all too quickly. And Mai was more than determined to guard against that feeling.
"I need to get going," Mai said somberly. "Thanks a lot for listening to me rant. I know it wasn't exactly your idea of a fun Friday night, but it really helped."
"What are best friends for, Mai-chan, if not to embarrass you at work and listen to you complain about it later?" he chuckled.
She deadpanned. "You better not be planning anything with that picture."
"Night!" he cheered before the line went dead, leaving Mai alone with her thoughts and a half-baked contract stained with spilled tea.
For the third day in a row, rain beat on the office window as Naru tried to work. He'd decided to leave his door closed for the entire day in the hopes of making progress on his paper. He may not be attending classes this semester, but he could still make progress on his theoretical framework.
Even though he had near silent peace throughout most of the morning, Naru found himself skimming through the pages of Mai's new work contract as the day bled into evening. It was a Saturday, and Mai was scheduled to be in the office at its opening time at 10:00 AM. She'd yet to seek him out save to bring him tea; hopefully, she'd remember to stop by before leaving so they could get right to discussing what the work agreement contained.
He had told Mai that the new document was basically the same as the old one. His words were technically true, but misleading.
Mai's work contract looked deceptively similar to every other contract given to SPR undergraduate student interns, but Naru had gone through each sentence with a fine-toothed comb. Her job title was changed from receptionist to 'assistant', meaning that she could claim she was a research assistant and use this as relevant work experience. He had also written out her work responsibilities both inside of the office and out, many of which were reading and writing obligations that would be very useful once it was time for her to apply to universities. Most importantly, she no longer received an hourly pay as a part time worker, but a set yearly stipend that converted to the same amount any investigator at BSPR would make.
They both knew she didn't simply work part time hours, and he didn't feel she deserved to be paid as such. This way, she received the same bi-weekly check, whether they were on cases, in the office, or she spent the week reading papers from home. Plainly, she and Naru had the flexibility to make their own work schedules day by day without worrying about money, similar to students who worked under professors as research assistants.
Two swift knocks sounded at his door before Mai strode in without being told to enter. By the tension in her shoulders and tight-lipped grimace, Naru could tell she was just barely holding in a rage.
"It's nearly closing," he said by way of greeting.
She closed the door behind her and sat in the chair directly across his desk. "Well when I read over the contract last night, I guess I was just so excited that I couldn't wait to come in and discuss it." Her fists clenched the arms of the chair so tightly that he thought she might crush them.
There are three things that should worry any reasonable person: dark roads on dark nights, failure, and the ire of compassionate people. Perhaps Naru was perfectly unreasonable, because he wasn't worried, but rather deeply confused.
Isn't this what she wanted? Help getting into Cambridge? he thought. This should be an offer she can't refuse…
"And what did you think of it?" he asked, maintaining an unreasonably steady voice.
Her voice pitched higher to a mock sweetness. "Oh, it left such an impression that I couldn't think of anything else all night." Her facial expression plainly showed every bit of sarcasm her voice concealed.
Maybe Naru truly was an idiot scientist because he was at a loss for what could have upset her so much. "Are you dissatisfied with the career trajectory?"
Her anger finally coalesced. "What career trajectory!? Straight into the garbage? I've literally gone from being an SPR investigator to your assistant overnight."
"Technically, you haven't signed the contract yet," Naru clarified.
"And maybe I won't sign it at all. A glorified office assistant who does some reading on the side? I could be using that time to prepare for university entrance exams; or better yet, actually investigating!"
"You've indicated to Madoka that you want to be a field investigator, so you'll be working more closely with me on pursuing that. It won't be simple office work and chores like last time, I assure you." Naru could see plainly that Mai wasn't appreciating the offer for what it truly was.
"And, what is this crap about 'managing my psychic abilities'? Weekly meetings? Data collection? Subjecting myself to examinations?"
"Yes. We'll work together to develop a data collection method so we can track the way that your powers manifest." He reached into the bag under his desk and pulled out another sheet of paper. "The objectives of my current research proposal don't include evaluating the validity of psychic abilities, so we don't need to rush quantitative data collection. Rather, the data we collect about your powers can help you hone your skills. It would be your dataset."
He slid the sheet of paper he was holding across the desk to her. "Here is the basic template BSPR uses for dreams and other visions. It's extremely lacking, so we also have the opportunity to improve upon the standardized data collection methods."
Mai looked at the datasheet but didn't reach to pick it up. "So, my role at SPR now doesn't even help to further your research? Yes, I want to be a field investigator! I want to help with research, but I want to learn the science behind it all – not be dragged around by the validity of my powers."
Naru closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose and taking a deep breath. "I don't understand what about this is making you angry. You'll be involved in research. It will be your own independent study, which will be an excellent experience for you."
"At the cost of what? My powers? Hours poring over journal articles we both know I have a snowflake's chance in hell of understanding?"
"If you're so confident in your lack of intelligence, then why are you even pursuing this career in the first place?" Naru argued, tension in his voice. And the moment the words were out of his mouth, he wished he could use his powers to trap them.
Mai scoffed. "Says the man who finds every opportunity to call me an idiot," she said, nearly yelling. "If I don't know something, I'm stupid. If I ask about something, then my question is stupid. I'm shocked that you're actually allowed to teach at Cambridge when I've had to claw my way to learn anything from you. Maybe Cambridge really isn't my best option after all."
"What is it exactly that's bothering you, Mai?" He practically threw up his hands. This conversation was going in circles, leading nowhere. "Is it the contract as a whole? Managing your powers? The prestige of the school you hope to attend? Or are you just here to complain about me and the way I run my company?"
"That really depends," she said. "Are we talking about Oliver Davis, the unparalleled investigator; or Noll, the twin with the bad personality? I know you're used to people worshipping you, but after spending a year working with you, I don't know if I see any merit in that reputation."
Naru stopped. Mai was showing no signs of slowing down, so he had to. He closed his eyes and slowed his brain waves by envisioning each color of the visual light spectrum from red down to violet. Gamma to beta; beta to alpha.
Mai wasn't thinking straight; she was reacting with pure emotion, so he needed to compensate by reacting with pure logic and reason.
Her primary concerns are: 1) how this job will look on her CV when applying to universities; and 2) training her powers, he reasoned.
It'd be stupid of Mai to worry about her resume in regards to Cambridge applications and even stupider of her to forgo training her powers. So, Naru decided to remedy her worries by connecting the benefits of each with her goals.
"Tracking your abilities over the next year will also be a good start that can be expanded upon when you transfer over to BSPR. We only have so much equipment available to us here, but the British office really is designed to test psychic abilities," Naru continued.
"What do you mean by 'transferring to BSPR'? Isn't that where you were working in England?"
Naru narrowed a gaze at her. "It will be part of your undergraduate research experience, and also a condition of my referral."
Mai countered, but at least her tone of voice was calmer when she did so. "Is there a reason you're putting so much emphasis on my powers? I'm not exactly the next Masako Hara, or you for that matter."
Naru's breath hitched ever so slightly, and he caught the surprise on Mai's face when she heard it. Even more infuriatingly, he noticed her sympathize with his brief display of emotion in the way her shoulders slacked and her fists unclenched. Between one eye blink and the next, Mai had shifted from fighting him to looking as though she wished to protect him. He didn't particularly care for her sympathy, but he decided to let it work to his advantage this time.
"Psychic abilities demand to be trained, Mai," he said evenly. "Trained so that they can be controlled. Trust me on this."
Perhaps it was the uncertainty the tone of his voice had expressed or the image of him passed out on a beach that his reply invoked. Or perhaps it was the fact that Naru had, for once, asked Mai to trust him when so much of their relationship was defined by Mai asking Naru to trust her: trust her instincts, trust her visions, trust her ability to do simple tasks that should require no help yet she always somehow managed to mess up.
She relied on him trusting her in so many things that Naru supposed she'd decided to trust him on just this one matter.
"We can try," she said quietly, looking down at her hands that were resting in her lap.
There was silence between the two for several heartbeats, the only sound coming from the rain that continued to beat against his office window.
"If I can ask," Mai spoke up, "my powers aren't all that important anyway. They've never told you anything you weren't able to figure out on your own."
Naru exhaled sharply out of his nose. "That isn't a question."
Mai chose not to be baited. "If they don't serve to help you, then why help me at all, especially if I don't want it?"
He averted his gaze. "If you don't control your powers, they will control you. And a researcher cannot be trusted to lead an investigation if they cannot even control themselves. Consider it a stipulation of my agreement to recommend you to Cambridge."
Mai froze. She hadn't yet realized that this entire conversation had revolved around Cambridge even though she'd yet to ask him for recommendation.
"I asked Madoka," she hurried to fill in the silence. Naru could hear her own nerves catching up with her as she spoke faster. "But she said your name would mean more, and no one can deny that."
"As soon as you sign the contract, you'll be provided with an official SPR email address. Use that on the contact information section of your application when you apply. It shows prestige. I'll write you a reference letter, and I'll get you in contact with the professors in the department. Parapsychology isn't considered its own field of study; they offer the degree under the condition that you earn a dual degree in a more recognized field. I assume you'd be most interested in the psychology-parapsychology double major?"
She nodded, and he continued, "Then we'll make sure that any research we do together here, any data that we collect, can be used once you're in university for independent study. If you want my recommendation, then we train your powers. If you don't want to do anything with that data, then you can burn it later."
"But, why?" Mai argued. Since the conversation was over, it appeared Mai had let go of any argumentativeness she had been holding back. "Why waste time developing powers that aren't even important? I get doing it now for the research experience, but why not another topic?"
Naru packed his things into his bag and stood, and she followed him out the door of his office into the main lobby. Yasuhara had already gone home for the day, and Lin had taken another day to rest after Mai had fallen on him. "It's required for my help, and not up for negotiation. It's late. If there's more you have to say, we can discuss it later. Consider it a living contract. Now, the office is closed."
In a huff, Mai shoved everything on the desk into her backpack. The contract along with all of her other papers were damp against the rain-soaked jacket that was still balled up at the bottom. She didn't care.
"Waste some more of my time, why don't you? Just like the past four months!" she said as she walked through the door Naru was now holding open.
It was still pouring as they stepped outside, and Mai shoved the contract she'd haphazardly signed into his chest, not waiting for him to grab hold of it before letting it go. She stomped forward through the rain without a care that she was getting soaking wet.
"Mai, I can give you a ride home." Not only was it pouring, but it had gotten colder since day had turned to night.
"Is that a requirement?" Mai demanded, but Naru didn't offer a response.
After he locked the office door, Naru stood under the awning of SPR as he watched Mai run the few blocks all the way to the train station, and when he turned in the opposite direction to walk to his empty apartment, it was at a much slower pace. He didn't bother to pull out his umbrella.
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness, please know that you are not alone. You can always reach out to a family member, friend, teacher, counselor, or community member. In addition, below are some major hotlines and crisis resources. Please note that these lists are NOT exhaustive. In addition to phone hotlines, many of the resources also offer a text or chat option. Visit the websites for more information. Some resources offer 24/7 crisis support, while others provide information and referrals in non-crisis situations.
National Suicide Prevention Helpline: 1 800 273 8255 or suicide prevention life line dot org
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1 800 799 7233 or the hotline dot org
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1 800 656 4673 or rainn dot org
SAMHSA National Helpline: 1 800 633 4357 or samhsa dot gov
National Alliance on Mental Illness Helpline: 1 800 950 6264 OR Text NAMI to 741 741 or nami dot org
Trevor Project TrevorLifeline: 1 866 488 7386 or the trevor project dot org