A Careless Heart
"It's as Forester said." Leliana points to the tidy bed as they step up into Sulahnean's quarters. She walks through the open doors to the balcony, as Cassandra slowly inspects the room. Lani's filthy boots are arranged neatly near the steps, unattended. Likewise, her dirty robes lay folded in a tidy pile next to the bath full of frigid, murky water.
The fire had died in the hearth, ashes piled high. No-one had come to clean and build a new one, nor to empty the chamber pot. Clearly no staff had been to her room to make the bed, it lay untouched overnight. Cassandra moves to join Leliana on the balcony.
"Oh, Cole!" Cassandra jumps, so startled to see him slumped on the floor beside the Inquisitor's desk. Leliana rushes inside at her cry.
"I didn't even see him," she exclaims.
"Cole?" Cassandra kneels down in front of him but he stares ahead, unresponsive. "Cole!" she calls more forcefully and puts her hands on his shoulders. It is a strange sensation, like trying to take hold of a dream upon waking. You can almost recall it, just out of reach, before it begins to slide away. He blinks slowly and draws a loud, shuddering breath.
"Faith shines bright, it pierces Despair but cannot banish it." Cassandra scowls, she was not in the mood for his riddles. "A friend of late, but so was I. Too late, too late."
"Get Dorian," she says to Leliana.
"I'd rather not involve more people than necessary." The Spymaster hesitates.
"I do not understand him!" Cassandra barks. "Dorian might." Leliana acquiesces and races down the stairs. Cassandra stands up as Cole falls silent once more. She examines the contents of the Inquisitor's desk.
A book, the second installment of Varric's 'Swords and Shields' series, lies open on the desk. She is embarrassed - and secretly pleased - that Lani has started reading the trashy series after she mentioned them. She hopes that Varric knows and despairs over it. Cassandra turns the wind blown pages back, finding the bookmark, a scrap of parchment covered in Lani's neat hand.
Lani was forever scribbling in quiet moments on their journeys, but she guarded her words closely, only ever sharing them with Varric. Cassandra looks over this piece. 'The Rose', she has titled it and she can see all the places Lani has crossed out words, re-written entire lines and finally scratched most of it out with her pen.
Rubbish, Lani has written in harsh criticism next to it and Cassandra gingerly places it back in the book. She should not be trying to read it, this is not relevant to her search and it is wrong of her to betray her friend's trust this way.
She combs through Sulahnean's official correspondence, weighed down by a Halla figurine Cassandra recognises from Halamshiral. She smirks at the idea of the Inquisitor stealing a souvenir from the Winter Palace. She finds a letter from Solas down the bottom. It is addressed to 'Vhenan' and Cassandra recalls hearing the elves use this appellation to address one other. The rest of the letter follows in Elvish, its contents a mystery to her, but perhaps of interest to Leliana. Cassandra carefully places the letter on the top of the stack.
She can see nothing suspicious and everything looks orderly, as it always is with Lani. While the elf was not so prim as to take issue with trekking through swamps and filthy caves, she remains one of the most fastidious and organised people Cassandra has ever met. Either she was an anomaly or the reputation of the Dalish for being unkempt, wild and dirty was a gross exaggeration.
She opens the drawers, rifling through more paper, pens and ink. She is about to quit when something catches her eye. A piece of scorched parchment is crumpled at the back, forgotten behind the writing implements. Gently she picks it up, ashy pieces crumbling from the edges as she unfurls it.
Da'len, I know not whether this will reach you. The Duke of Wycome is dead, and the soldiers of Wycome blame us. All the elves in the city have been killed.
Cassandra's hand begins to tremble. A note at the bottom, written in elegant script reads;
Our agents recovered this letter as they laid her to rest. You have my deepest sympathies, L.
"You want me to what… translate?" Dorian squabbles with Leliana as they ascend the stairs. Where the Tevinter mage's appearance is usually impeccable, today he appears disheveled and hastily dressed. He pauses to take stock of the room and approaches Cole. "The only one that ever understood the obscure babbling of this creature was Lani. Oh and the Hobo," he sneers at the thought of Solas.
"What is this?" Cassandra waves the letter in front of Leliana but Dorian plucks it from her hand. As he silently reads, his jovial air turns dark.
"Clan Lavellan were purged," Leliana states plainly. "During a Venatori plot to infect the townspeople of Wycome with red lyrium."
"Her entire family?" Dorian gasps.
"You never told me! She never told me." The revelation hurts Cassandra, she thought Lani trusted her.
"Given the already massive upheaval in her life, I thought the Herald at least deserved to grieve privately," Leliana retorts. "If she wanted to share this with you, it was her choice. Not mine."
"She dreamt of the ships, sails burning in the night." They turn as one at the sound of Cole's rasping voice. "Children in the snow, red and grey on white. They didn't eat the anger, so anger ate them. I put the dream in a drawer and it faded away."
"You put the dream in a drawer?" Dorian crouches down beside the errant spirit.
"Smoothing the ripples til she is clear and calm, like a looking-glass. No time for sorrow, it is binding, crippling. So small a task, to sever the cords, but the impact rings across the world."
"Cole… What did you do?" From the accusatory tone in Dorian's voice, Cassandra surmises that he makes some sense of Cole's ramblings.
"Pitiful treasures locked away, secret, safe behind the curtain. The Elder One is merciless, I cannot let her flinch."
"I'm not entirely sure, but I think he did something to Lani." Dorian stands and crosses his arms, contemplating.
"Do you think he hurt her?" Leliana asks, narrowing her eyes at Cole.
"He's definitely killed people before in a misguided attempt to alleviate suffering. But I don't think he physically hurt her. Mostly he alters memories, after he heals people's 'hurts'.
"I think perhaps Lani didn't tell you about her clan because she, well he…" He waves down at Cole, "made her forget about it." Dorian winces, as though the effort of deciphering Cole causes him mental anguish. "Or the pain of it, maybe?" He looks from her to Leliana, to see if they comprehend his theory.
"He took her pain?" Leliana asks slowly.
"To do it once is one thing, but I think what Cole is saying he did, sounds not unlike…" Dorian hugs himself, struck with an alarming realisation, "being made Tranquil."
"What?" Cassandra looms over Cole. "The Rite of Tranquility is anathema to the Inquisitor!" Dorian thrusts his body between her and Cole. "How could you do such a thing? You had no right!"
"Cassandra please!" She feels Leliana's hands on her from behind. She grunts in exasperation, throwing her hands up as she paces away from them. Her heels beat across the floor in sharp staccato as she prowls back and forth, glaring daggers at Cole.
"In your heart she burns, divinity made flesh. Tormented by impossible expectations, because she loves you." Cole's words bring her to an abrupt halt, piercing to her very core. "Duty, belief, hope form a prison. Delicately… ardently… he pries open the lock and she is free. She has only just begun to soar, why did he clip her wings?" A tear rolls down Cole's pale cheek.
"'Tell me you didn't love me!' The anger helps the hurt, so I let her keep it." Cole scowls suddenly. "And he deserved it. An ancient anguish, so loud it called to me. But he hounded me away, he guards it jealously. She made him forget once too, but he wants to remember. His penitence, it reminds him of his purpose."
"Maferath's bloody great ball-sack!" Dorian exclaims and pinches the bridge of his nose. "It is far too early in the morning for this. Can you try to focus Cole, where is the Inquisitor?"
"She was falling, fading, too late to stop it, to put it back." Cole shakes his head.
"Lani fought for you to be here Cole. Against every argument that you were a demon twisted beyond redemption. She believed in you and you betrayed her," Cassandra hisses.
"We don't know enough to draw any conclusions," Leliana tries to cut in. "If Sulahnean were here, she would not want us to be making any rash judgements."
"Oh, and what would the Inquisitor do?" Dorian asks impudently.
"She would be calm, measured and seek all the facts-"
"Because this leech was stealing away any rational fear she might have had!" Cassandra cuts in, her rage boiling over again. She knows she is being too emotional, taking it too personally. Tranquility! How could Cole do such a thing?
"Cassandra, enough!" The angry admonishment from Leliana is like a slap in the face to Cassandra. "Even before Cole joined us, the Inquisitor was always even-tempered and private. You know this."
"She presses her scar against the dreaded orb, healing the sky. But it's still inside her, growing, tearing a hole that cannot be mended. The horror comes seeping back, flowing, flooding. Too much, too much. 'I can't breathe, help me!' I should have been here to catch her." Cole buries his face in his hands and an uneasy silence falls over them. At length Dorian gives himself a little shake and clears his throat.
"I'm no Fade expert by any means but, it seems something changed after we defeated Corypheus. We know that the Orb was a focus for power, enough to pierce the Veil itself. When it was destroyed, what if the Inquisitor, or the Anchor as it were, became that focus instead?" Cassandra recalls something her friend had confided to her.
"Lani did mention that ever since she received the Anchor her connection to the Fade had increased by magnitudes. With each Rift she closed, she could feel that link growing stronger."
"It frightened her," Dorian intuits.
"Yes," Cassandra confirms. "She was afraid it would prove ever more tempting to demons. She wanted to prepare me. She asked me to keep watch in case she ever…"
"Became an abomination," Leliana supplies as Cassandra halts.
"What if she suddenly found the Fade seeping through her and had no way to stem it. These stolen feelings?" Dorian inclines his head toward Cole, "As he described, a trickle at first until it grew into a terrible, devastating flood. It's possible Cole didn't counter for the power of the Anchor. He probably thought what he did was permanent."
"I don't know if that makes it better or worse." Leliana's face is a grim mask.
"It must have been overwhelming. Terrifying," Cassandra remarks quietly, ashamed that her friend had suffered alone. A cold shiver runs down her spine as she recalls what she had read in the Book of Secrets. There was only one record of a mage ever having Tranquility reversed. He had gone mad; unable to control his emotions, he was a danger to all around him and the Seekers had been forced to kill him.
"Is this how it feels, the aching inside? I didn't know I had a heart to break," Cole's voice is strangled, full of anguish.
"What if she thought she was being possessed?" Leliana posits.
"Having never been subject to possession myself, I cannot exactly say what it would feel like," Dorian muses. "Pure speculation of course. All we have are our own assumptions based on Cole's ever so cryptic doggerel.
"And…" Dorian groans, chidingly tapping his fist against his forehead. "She was uncharacteristically skittish last night. Downright gloomy at times in fact, though she tried to hide it. I was drunk, I didn't-" Dorian shakes his head and Cassandra squeezes his shoulder. "So caught up in my own damn happiness," he grates out and Cassandra feels a small stab of guilt, thinking of her own conversation with Lani last night.
"If she believed she was becoming an abomination," Leliana presses. "We all know the Inquisitor would never allow herself to become a danger to others." Leliana looks pointedly at the doors gaping wide onto the balcony. "We must search the valleys below Skyhold."
"You cannot believe…" Cassandra trails off, aghast at the implication of Leliana's words. "She would never. Never!" She lurches away, brushing off the hand Leliana reaches toward her. She has heard too many unsettling things today and has no explanation for any of it. As she storms down the stairs her stomach roils with anger, then the cold weight of guilt. It stops her short and she takes a calming breath. The Seeker leans her head against the chamber door, Leliana is right, they need to be certain.
"I will do it," Cassandra calls back to Leliana, a dark silhouette at the top of the landing. The shadow nods and Cassandra steps through the door. Her strides are still forceful; no longer angry but full of purpose. People scurry out of her path and Cassandra envies them in a way. Going about their daily business, unaware of the growing crisis or burdened by a sense of failure.
Never, Cassandra rejects the idea that Lani would ever take her own life. In the field Lani was stoic in the face of adversity, never morose or ill-tempered. She thought of the many hours she had spent in conversation with Lani, baring her inner-most thoughts and sharing her burdens with her friend. It occurs to her that Lani's responses were always measured and supportive - occasionally teasing - but that the Inquisitor surrendered little of her own troubles, unless directly asked.
Even so, she knew that Lani felt things far more deeply than she ever expressed and Cassandra felt they had grown to know each other so intimately they surpassed the need for words. At least, that is what she thought. Cassandra does not know if she believes Dorian's hypothesis, but doubts stir deep in her gut. Surely it is all too far-fetched, isn't it?
"Tormented by impossible expectations, because she loves you." Cole's words ring in her ears and she has to steady herself against the rough stone of the Keep. She believed in the Herald because she had done the impossible. Cassandra blinks, eyes stinging. Did she truly put too much pressure on her friend, expecting her to face the insurmountable?
Not alone, I never asked her to do it alone. Cassandra was here for her, didn't Lani know that?
Maybe if she had actually had the chance to talk about how she felt, if he hadn't taken that from her! Cassandra thinks, still angry at the thought of what Cole claimed to have done. She realises that she is mostly angry at herself however. She called Lani a friend and yet she did not even notice what Cole was doing to her. There was truth in what Leliana had said; Lani had always been reserved, keeping her private thoughts to herself and projecting an outward calm.
Even so, I should have seen, she berates herself, I should have done more. She cannot assuage the guilt she feels, thinking of how they - how she - treated Lani in the beginning. With hostility and distrust.
Is it any wonder she kept her counsel to herself? By the time she might have been ready to confide in Cassandra, Cole had undoubtedly already begun his perverse work.
Her legs are leaden as she climbs the stairs to Cullen's office. She dreads having to share this news with him, she knows he will be as devastated and angry as she. Cassandra did not know if Lani was aware of Cullen's feelings, she wondered sometimes if even Cullen fully knew it. But she had seen how his eyes lingered on her, how he softened in Lani's presence. No-one else but Lani could turn the competent, clear-headed Commander into a nervous, fumbling mess. Or trigger an uncharacteristic fury in him when her safety was threatened.
But Lani only had eyes for Solas, despite Cassandra's best attempts to warn her that the apostate could not be trusted. Subtlety was not her forte and her efforts had very nearly damaged their friendship. It gives Cassandra no comfort to have been proven right in that regard. Yet all along the real danger, wearing the face of a hapless, innocent boy, was lurking quietly in Lani's shadow. She pushes open Cullen's door and steels herself for the conversation to come.