Pain. It's painful…..
I winced as my arm rubbed up against the bedding. It's bandaged now so it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. To be honest, I didn't think about the pain until I was at the station, being looked after and hearing everyone shouting and arguing in the hallways. Louis, Chief Bogo, Bill, and several others were yelling their lungs out by the time I was told I could go home for the night; I'd have to report to the chief's office first thing in the morning. As I left, I got a glimpse at everyone and noticed Legosi was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he was still at the crime scene or something.
A female herbivore drove me back to my apartment. I went upstairs and jumped straight into bed, not even changing out of my clothes first. I just wanted to rest, and rest and forget…. Only I couldn't forget. I couldn't shut my chattering mind off no matter how hard I tried. I grabbed onto both my ears, pulling them down in hopes that would quiet my brain. Unsurprisingly it did not.
So what now? What am I going to do now? How can I move forward from this? Can I move forward? It felt like I was frozen in time, back when that creep held onto my arm. I felt sick, like I wanted to leave this body he touched. It was so gross but… There had to be a "but". I felt totally disgusted and warm at the same time. I don't know how to describe it; I just didn't feel as vulnerable as I probably should have been. And secretly, deep deep down, I knew why too.
How did I feel about Legosi? He's a carnivore; he had his moment tonight too. But…. He didn't eat me; he didn't even try. My blood set his predatory instincts off in a different way. He crutched over me, guarding me like I was the most precious thing in the world. Well, perhaps "thing" is the wrong word to use here. He treated me like his prey tonight- I'm not so stupid as to not realize that. I saw the colour of his eyes; I saw the way he looked at me. Yeah, I'm not going to deny what's going on here.
But what I don't understand is if Legosi saw me as his prey, then why didn't he bite me? Why was his first instinct to go into protection-mode rather than consumption-mode? I don't get it…. If he really did see me as his captured prey, then why didn't he kill me? He was in the right mindset to do it…. It must have took all his strength not to bite me; I bet it was even painful for him. So then why…..?
"We live in an integrated society alongside carnivores, but that doesn't change the fact that have predatory instincts. They may want to get along with you, but just their reason wants it. It's a camouflage for their desire to rip through your meat and devour it." Oh! Oh, right; that's right. I'd almost forgotten…. Legosi might be twisting his hunger for me into feelings of friendship. Maybe that's why he stopped himself from eating me, despite how much he probably wanted to tonight. He used that canine energy to protect me from other carnivores instead…. Huh. Is it weird to say I've never felt safer in my life?
What?! I gave myself a mental kick. Of course it's weird! What's wrong with you, Haru?! You almost got eaten tonight! Feeling safe is that way you should be right now! It shouldn't matter than another large predator went out of his way to defend you with all his strength! Legosi wasn't even protecting "me"; he was guarding his prey. I'm nothing but prey to him…. That's it! That's it….. isn't it?
With another sigh, I rolled onto my back, resting my arms out at my sides. So then why did it feel so insanely good to be cradled by him like that? I felt so safe and secure, it was crazy. I actually wish he held onto me longer. Again, I can't explain why; I have no clue where these feelings are coming from. I do have a theory, but it may be wrong.
My theory is that I'm doing the exact same thing that Legosi is doing to me. My survival instincts are telling me that Legosi can and is willing to protect me- obviously. So it feels physically good to be held by him because I know he won't let anything happen to me while I'm in his arms. It makes sense when you consider the vulnerable position I was in back then. Except in my case, I'm using Legosi's strength to my advantage. I'm just using him then…..
I couldn't put my finger on it but something felt off about that analysis. I didn't want to think I was using Legosi as my own personal bodyguard, but there had to be some reason his arms felt so wonderful around me. Mmmmm, maybe I'm overthinking it; maybe it's all much simpler than I'm making it out to be. I liked Legosi; he seems like a good person to me. After all, he spared my life….. I don't mind that he held me tonight. I can't say why I did, but I know that I did for a fact. My lips parted a sliver. I don't mind being babied, so long as their obsession to protect comes from a place of love. Yeah, that still holds true. That's still true…..