Chapter 17.
Sam divided the pie and Dean opened two bottles of beer. "Big half for you, smaller half for me." said Sam.
"You can have the big half, if you want it." said Dean.
"No, this is how it should be."
Dean was troubled. "How carefully are you eating, these days?"
"What?"
"Just checking. The healthier your diet, the worse your head is. It's a control thing, isn't it? 'I can't prevent the world from burning, but I can cut down on nitrates.' Right?"
"That's not true. I just try to look after my health. Don't want to get out of breath during a fight."
Dean looked at him in silence for a while, then decided to change the subject. "So, I hear you and Cas have a castle."
"Yeah, Cas came up with that." said Sam, "Said I remind him of a crusader. Me!"
"I can see that." said Dean.
Sam raised an eyebrow. "Does it bother you, the castle?"
"Bother me? No!" Dean's eyes darted to Sam and quickly away. "Yes, it bothers me. Of course it bothers me. He and I have Bobby's and with you it's a frickin' castle. It bothers me." He grinned. "It shouldn't, should it?"
Sam smiled. "Did he tell you he reserved the northwest tower for you?"
"No, that he didn't mention."
"Probably thought it would freak you out. I don't get why you think it's better than Bobby's. I wish I could share Bobby's with the two of you."
"You wouldn't like it. It's infested with younger versions of me." said Dean, "I think you had enough of that growing up."
"Well, what makes a place home to me is you being around, so ... "
"It's also full of locked doors and subtext."
"Those happen wherever you are." said Sam.
"Fair point." said Dean, beginning to relax.
"When you're ready ... and I'm not trying to rush you ... but when you want the link back, maybe the three of us can work on it together. You and Cas can show me Bobby's place and you can visit your tower."
"If I can't get the link back, it's good that you two have a link of your own."
"There's no reason you should have any trouble reopening the link." said Sam.
"I mean if I can't. If I ... It's weird now. Feels wrong. Dangerous."
"Sorry. I shouldn't have mentioned it yet. You need time." said Sam.
"Time may not be enough."
"No, I know." said Sam, "Michael did a lot of damage."
"And if we're going to kill him, I need a clear head."
Sam nodded, but said nothing.
"Killing him is still a priority. It has to be."
"Yes." said Sam, watching him closely.
"I know you think I'm dumb."
"No. I've never thought that."
"And you think I'm risking the best friendship I ever had."
"Actually, I think you're trying to protect it."
"Oh. Well, maybe I think that, then."
"It does sound more like you. How do you feel about him now?"
"The further I am from him, the more I can think of him as a friend. When he's in the room, I just want to get out." He saw Sam's brow furrow and added, "But I'll get over it."
"I know you will."
"I'm sorry you had to deal with the fallout when he thought I was dead. Thanks for getting him through that."
"I didn't do much." said Sam, "Sarah and Jules kept him from going too far over the edge."
"He seems strong today, but I guess he thinks he has to, for my sake. The truth is, he won't say if things get bad and you know how bad things can get."
"Don't worry. I'll make sure he's okay. Leave him to me."
"And let me know if I need to give him some space."
"Isn't it you that needs the space?"
"I want it. Can't have it. But if he needs it, I'll back off for a while. If he needs a rest and a reset, you can always let him sleep with you."
"I thought we didn't call it that." said Sam.
"It's okay to call it that when it's you." said Dean. They shared a grin.
"Jerk." said Sam.
"Bitch."
"I wouldn't know how to do that anyway."
"Open the link and get him to put you to sleep from inside it and then follow you into unconsciousness."
"What's it like?" said Sam.
Dean smiled. "It's okay. It's weird, but it's good. You have to watch for his guilt issues ambushing him. You're like a sort of gatekeeper, because he can control the visuals ... incredible visuals ... but he has almost no control over all the repeating thoughts in his head. It helps him. Just a little bit of peace ... "
"He must miss it."
"Yeah." said Dean. He didn't miss the mental connection as such, the thought of it repelled him, but there was a sense of loss that he couldn't quite identify and he certainly regretted that Cas had to lose so much because he had not told Michael to go to Hell.
"Don't." said Sam.
"Don't what?" he said.
"You have enough to think about, without blaming yourself for everything Cas is going through."
"You have a bunker full of problems and you're here, worrying over what I'm going through."
"Dean, I worry either way. Here or at the bunker, I'd still be thinking about this. At least this way, I may be able to do something about it."
Dean ate the last piece of his share of the pie, taking his time over it as he tried to think of something to say. The distinctive taste of Sarah's best apples reminded him of her kitchen table chats and he knew what she would advise, honesty and gratitude.
Sam was trying so hard to support him despite his prickly edges. He deserved better than glib distractions and jokes.
"That's good pie." he said.
"It's great pie." said Sam.
"When we get back to the bunker, I'm gonna ... " he looked for a good way to put it.
"Hide in your room?" said Sam.
"Yeah." said Dean, "But not to avoid you, just because today's been ... "
"Too much to deal with." said Sam, "It's okay."
"Thanks for listening, Sammy ... Sam."
"Sammy's fine." said Sam, "Thanks for talking."