Fears of loneliness
By Noonui
Day 10
Dear Diary – I haven't written in here for a while. For a good while actually. I'm sorry – should I apologize to a book? I don't know. Anyway, I'm writing now because I had a nightmare. And I don't know if this is going to help but I can't get it out of my head. It was just so horrible and way worse than anything else that I can remember. I don't want to think about it. I just felt so. Lost and cold. And there was this limbo and-
He cut himself off, realizing that his hand was shaking where the pen was clutched between his fingers, the letters looking a bit crooked. He let out a sigh, letting his head fall and land on the page he was currently writing, banging his head against his desk, while he let out a shuddering breath. He firmly kept his lips together and swallowed something in his throat, trying to make his mind think about something else.
A part of him had thought that maybe trying to write down what he had experienced in his old diary would make it easier to cope with, but he had pretty much known that it was a lost cause the moment he had turned to a fresh page.
He stopped banging his head against the desk when it began to hurt, leaving his chin on the open book, staring at the wall in front of him, slumped forward in his chair. He hadn't bothered turning on any lights, since his night vision saw perfectly fine in his room, was looking at what was supposed to be a white wall but, in his vision, it was slightly gray.
As the wall became more and more uninteresting, he lifted his head and leaned back into his chair, running his hands down his face. This wasn't unusual, in the sense that when it did happen, he couldn't easily shrug that kind of thing off. How his mind even conjured those kinds of images and pictures in the first place amazed him since he had no idea how his imagination even functioned in that regard.
When he was younger, he had tried to do some light research on it, trying to find a psychological explanation until he had stumbled upon articles that spoke about dream reading and symbolism in different scenarios which had promptly made him drop the topic.
He was a fox of science not phenomena. No matter how much Amy told him that his future would be bright, since she could see it in her cards.
He shook his head from the memory, temporarily glad that he had managed to get his mind off his situation until he turned around in his spinning chair and faced his bed. The classic red and white sneakers were kicked off at the end of it, left there earlier this night, the blanket halfway onto the floor and the pillow on its way as well.
The mere thought of trying to get back to sleep made him bite his lip, thinking that he didn't want to close an eye ever again. He could still feel his fingers slightly shaking and his heart beating, the mere thought of what his mind had made him see making him feel uneasy and – he didn't dare admit it – but scared.
Of what? Images? Mere pictures in his mind that couldn't hurt him? Something that he could easily wake up from despite whatever happened in the dream?
He didn't understand it, had no idea how the pure concept of experiencing something unreal could make him rattled and agitated. He let out another sigh, rubbing two fingers against his forehead, squinting his eyes shut.
The image easily came back since the blackness he was seeing right now was more than a good candidate for what he had experienced. Despite that it had been colder, freezing, and downright frigid to the point where he had wondered why he could feel his hands and feet. It was fictitious how he could actually feel like that when he wasn't even alive in his nightmare.
He could have sworn that he had spotted frost in the fur on his arm, before he had panicked and started to run. He had no idea what he had run from, had no idea what was chasing him, he just knew that something was there. It was after him, trying to attack him, trying to kill him. It was instinct, almost feral, how he just sprinted and didn't look back. He could hear it gaining on him, giggled and laughing, the stomps getting closer and closer while he merely ran until his legs became like jelly, his tails sore and hurting and everything begging him to stop.
He couldn't shout, the ability seemed to be either forgotten or trapped despite his mind screaming for anybody to help him. Sonic, Knuckles, Amy, even Shadow, just somebody! But no words escaped his mouth, only rapid breathing, and heavy panting, as his lungs would scream for air in the pure darkness.
But, when the monster would catch up to him, he could feel its crooked and sticky long fingers reaching for the fur on his tails he suddenly fell. Whatever floor was underneath his would disappear and he would scream. Scream till his voice hurt, filling only his own ears with his own fright of dying, high pitched and milk curdling. He would through the darkness, limbs rapidly trying to grab for something in his panic, tails too painful to use. He didn't know when he reached the bottom, or if he reached a bottom at all as he had gasped awake, sweat rolling down his forehead and almost tumbled out of bed from panic alone.
He remembered it vividly, the experience only being a few minutes old.
He could feel his heartrate increasing in acceleration from the pure memory, the organ pumping like never before, pump pump pump, as he could feel the need to take deeper breaths. He hid his head in his hands, taking one deep breath at a time, mumbling quiet reassurance to himself, words of comfort that stated he was fine and that he was okay.
He wasn't cold, he wasn't being chased and he wasn't falling. He was here, in his bedroom, alone, warm and sitting in a chair, alone. Another shuddering breath escaped his lips, as he stood up from the chair, starting to pace around in his room. He rubbed warmth into his shoulders, despite not feeling cold, the pictures of the dark cold limbo getting more and more clear in his mind, turning on the lamp on his dresser.
The golden light helped a little bit, turning towards his window and looked out at the night sky, the moon shining bright and sending a silver light into his bedroom, the curtains being forgotten. He looked out at the sea, the ocean still and unmoving in the windless night, the plateau the house was built on having the best view to the ocean from his own window.
The cerulean orbs darted over the scenery, forcing himself to stay calm remain in the now. He was fine.
His ears turned around at the sound of the front door in the bottom landing opening. He frowned slightly, thinking who was visiting around this hour, but realized within seconds who it was. It wasn't unusual for his surrogate older brother to go on a nightly run, sit in a tree or on top of someone's roof and stare at the stars, run around the zone and let his instincts take him wherever he wanted to go. Coming home this late at night shouldn't be a surprising event.
He was only rubbing one arm at this point, biting his lip as he heard the hedgehog walk up the stairs to presumably go to his bedroom. A part of him wanted to open his door and greet him home. A second part of him wanted to talk to him. A third wanted a hug. But a sigh was what won in the end, as he shook his head, thinking that this was ridiculous and stupid and that he should just go to bed.
Therefore, he turned around on his heel as the hedgehog passed his bedroom door, the former wanting to walk around his bed and try to get some more sleep.
Instead, he stumbled backwards as he stepped on his forgotten sneaker, hitting the back of his head on the windowsill and promptly fell to the floor with a loud 'thump'. He yelped and hissed sharply at the pain that emitted from the area, one large glove covering the spot and pressed hard onto it, eyes squinted shut. It stung and burned as a headache started to appear in the inflicted area, lowly cursed himself for being so clumsy.
"Tails?" The call of his name and the single knock at his bedroom door made his eyes open, the moment that the portal opened. He easily saw the silhouette of Sonic, lit up by the hallway light behind him, blinking and looked perplexed with one hand on the doorknob. "What are you doing on the floor?"
The fox hissed again as the pain increased slightly, before pulling himself up with the use of the end of his bed, as the hedgehog walked towards him.
"Nothing," he mumbled slightly embarrassed, while rubbing the back of his head, the pain for some reason still there.
Sonic chuckled lightly while crossing his arms over his chest, his ruffled quills indicating that he had been running rather than stargazing tonight, giving his little brother a smirk.
"Doesn't look like nothin' to me," he calmly said, shrugging his shoulders, an amused gleam in his emerald green eyes, finding the situation way funnier than he properly should.
Tails let out a mildly annoyed sigh, frowned and looked at his hand, eyes slightly widening as he saw crimson coloring on his white glove.
"Great," he mumbled, managed to look up at Sonic and see his eyes slightly widen from the sight, the amusement dimming with the realization.
"Looks like you hit your head pretty hard, huh bud?" The hedgehog stated, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and would to anybody else sound like he didn't care. Though Tails knew otherwise.
"C'mon," the hedgehog suggested waving a hand towards the hallway and walked towards it, the fox being well aware that he was going to guide him to the bathroom.
"Thanks Sonic, but I can do it myself," he declined, though walked after him since he needed to get it washed either way, his eyes squinting slightly as he was met with the bright light of the hallway.
Sonic was standing in front of the bathroom, arms crossed over his chest with a raised brow.
"Like you can look yourself in the back of your head," he mocked. "It'll be quick," he reassured, opening the door to their shared restroom, the light turning on inside.
Tails let out another sigh, still rubbing his head with the same glove since the pain hadn't gone away yet walking into the bathroom. Sonic had already turned on the faucet and stood with a cloth under the water, the medicine cabinet above it opened.
"Why are you up this late anyway?" The hedgehog asked out of conversation more than anything, as Tails turned around and Sonic started rubbing the spot with the wet cloth, one hedgehog hand keeping his head in place.
He winced at the mild pain that came from the scrubbing, though remained silent as he was contemplating on what he should tell him. One part wanted to shrug and saw that he was just thinking or something while a second part wanted to spill everything about his nightmare.
"I just woke up," he lamely explained, the answer not being a lie in it all, as he pulled off both gloves and threw them into an open glove and socks basket, frowning at it and thought that he should do some laundry come morning.
Or make Sonic do it, they shared it after all.
"Man, I would never have guessed that you woke up!" The fox rolled his eyes into the sky at the same time that Sonic rinsed the cloth, rubbing his head one more time. "Guess that chili might have been a little too spicy tonight,"
Tails' eyes widened from the implication, wanted to whip his head around but Sonic kept it firmly in place.
"What? No! It's just-" he bit his lip, thinking that he now needed to give him some kind of explanation "I just had a dream," his ears was pulled into his skull before he had time to stop it, as Sonic dropped the cloth into the sink, rummaging around the cabinet for presumably a band aid.
He frowned at the thought, hated those small little things that kept his blood where it needed to be, since they were specially designed for mobians, the glue stronger against fur and feathers.
"Cool, what happened?" Sonic seemed oblivious to the action, as he turned back to the fox, pulling off the small pieces of plastic that held the glue in place, sticking out his tongue in concentration.
"It wasn't. It wasn't exactly – pleasant," Tails explained, biting his lip as the band aid made contact with his skull rubbing a curious naked hand against it, to feel the band aid glued firmly in place, internally wincing at the thought of getting it off again.
Sonic chuckled nonetheless, throwing the cloth into the socks and gloves basket despite it being a socks and gloves basket and walked in front of the fox to look at him, smirk wide on his lips and arms crossed over his chest.
"Well those happen as well. Can't say I haven't dreamt anything without something unpleasant happening," he stated, a playful gleam in his emerald green eyes, darting around the fox's face.
Tails hadn't paid attention, instead he looked slightly into the floor, could feel his twin tails fall to the floor as the images made a brief return. Getting completely off topic had made him forget it, but now that Sonic asked the entire unpleasantry returned – cold, scared and falling.
He turned his head back up again when the hedgehog's expression changed, the smirk slowly disappearing and instead turned into a curious and mildly worried façade, green eyes looking more thoroughly at his little brother.
"Everything alright?" Tails' own eyes were looking back at him, face slightly scrunched up, as he let out a defeated sigh.
He didn't want his help. He firmly believed that he was old enough to take care of this himself, shouldn't get rattled because of such a simple thing as dreaming. He was 8 for Chaos sake! He had fought more dangerous things than a few images. But still – they didn't exactly make him feel good.
He took the plunge, wanted to speak with Sonic either way, as another sigh escaped him.
"I had a nightmare," the shame crept up on him from admitting it alone, could already feel himself regretting telling it to Sonic, let alone show him that he was affected by it.
He rubbed his arm as he looked away, debating on whether he should just say 'goodnight' and try to fall back to sleep. Though Sonic interrupted that thought, as he saw his older brother do nothing but smile at him, drawing an arm around his bony shoulders.
"C'mon. Tell me about it," Tails wasn't surprised, but he hadn't expected the reaction either, as he was guided from the bathroom to the hallway, the hedgehog turning off the lights on his way, and back to the fox's bedroom.
He didn't know if he wanted to tell him in all honesty but obliged as he made it over to his bed and sat down on the edge, at the same time that Sonic closed the door and turned around towards him.
The fox fidgeted with his fingers in his lap, the slight regret still present. Wasn't this what he wanted? To tell Sonic about it? He didn't know and didn't get to decide as the hedgehog sat down beside him, the mattress jumping in place as he turned his head towards his younger friend.
Tails looked back at him, seeing the hedgehog having a somewhat patient smile on his lips. He had dealt with something like this before, a younger cub having nightmares reaching from getting abandoned to dying, the only comfort being the hedgehog himself.
It wasn't unusual for Sonic to take this approach, let alone just say 'oh okay, goodnight bud' and go to bed. He could probably read off him that he had seemed rattled. They could read each other like a book after all.
Tails opened his mouth to flat out tell him about his nightmare, but regretted it, letting out a sigh and looked down at his fidgeting hands.
"Never mind. It's nothing," he said, turning his head away again to avoid giving in the urge to hug him.
The scenario was more than clear in his head, could still feel the ice that had settled in his fur, his rapidly beating heart as he ran away from whatever was chasing him and the panic that engulfed him as he fell through the void. But he should be able to deal with it. He looked back as Sonic let out a scoff, tilting his head to the side that made his quills look even more ruffled, the grin on his lip being nothing but warm.
"That's a big fat lie if I've ever heard one," he shrugged, before throwing his arm over Tails' shoulders one more time, rubbing his right one. "It's okay if you don't want to tell me," he reassured, the weight of the hedgehog's arm being more than comforting right now.
The fox frowned, wanting to accept the offer without question, though plunged into the heart of the problem instead.
"It's not that I don't want to tell you," he admitted, biting his lip. "It's just that – I should be able to deal with it myself," Sonic had been attentive, looking at his younger brother but frowned at the last statement, letting out a questioning 'hmm'.
"Why?" Tails sighed once more, though out of annoyance this time.
"Because I'm 8 Sonic," he stated, as if it was the most obvious thing on the planet, looking back at the hedgehog who had stopped rubbing his shoulder, though his arm remained. Said hedgehog looked at him for a little longer, before a grin spread wide on his lips.
"So? That doesn't matter bud. Nightmares are nightmares," he chuckled lightly, shaking his head "It's okay to be afraid of them. I don't blame you. I can get some pretty nasty ones too," the smile that was on his lips seemed hard to fake. "You can tell me, it's fine," he reassured with a shrug of his shoulders.
Tails' eyes were fixated on Sonic's trying to find a lie through his explanation, a part of him believing that the hedgehog believed that he indeed was too old to be scared of something as simple as that. But nothing suggested it, the hedgehog merely held the soft grin and the comforting expression, his eyes warm and not at all blamable.
Tails looked at him for a bit more, before he leaned forward and firmly placed his arms around the hedgehog's back, digging his head into his shoulder. Sonic returned the embrace easily enough, the fox letting out a content sigh, burrowing his head into the dark blue fur, the fear against his chest starting to dim, sitting in the comfort of his older brother.
He let out a shuddering breath and could feel the tears starting to appear in his eyes, as Sonic started drawing soothing circles into his back, not commenting on the fact that he had retorted to physical contact first thing.
"I'm in a dark limbo," he began, squinting his eyes shut to contain the tears. "And it's cold. Really cold. But then this thing starts to chase me, run after me and I can't. I can't escape it," he paused to let out another shuddering breath, couldn't contain the saltwater tears as they started to roll down his cheeks, and could feel his hands shaking.
"When i-it is about to catch me – I f-fall. Down and down until I w-wake up," he was crying now, despite not wanting to, despite not wanting to admit it, but it was overwhelming.
The mere experience of being in a darkness he couldn't see and being aware that something was after him without anybody being there to help him. It was unpleasant, it was horrible, and he felt nothing but scared.
Sonic began to shush him quietly, making him calm down as he took deep breaths, containing the fear that would have spiraled out of control if the hedgehog wasn't here. He was clinging to him at this point, squeezing him tightly without the other protesting, the fox turning his head towards his neck, burrowing his face there instead.
"What are you afraid of?" Tails took another breath to calm himself, thinking about the question but came to a quick conclusion.
"Being left alone. When that t-thing chases me – I want to yell but nobody comes and h-helps me," he had figured out that much, his scientific mind not being oblivious to the symbolism behind it, yet he didn't understand why that dilemma occurred first of all through dreams and second of all now.
He knew he had friends around him, knew that if there was something that troubled him that he could talk to anybody – well maybe not Knuckles – and knew that they were here for him. Why that problem was suddenly valid he couldn't fathom.
Although. It had been a fear for such a long time, ever since he was young and lived on Emerald Hill, ever since he had been picked up from that place and ever since he had left it. He guessed that it was rooted within him somewhere. Stupid dream.
"Then you have nothing to worry about," Sonic reassured easily enough, chuckling lightly. "You won't be left alone kiddo. You will never be alone again, I promise. Have I ever abandoned you?"
Tails was quick to shake his head burrowed in his neck. "No. And I won't do it now. I might go for a run and be gone for a long time, but I'll always come back. You're not alone bud." A part of him knew already. He knew that it was the case, and that Sonic was speaking more than the truth. Still. It was nice to be reminded of it.
"Thank you," he whispered in utter relief, letting out the last tears of fright, a part of him feeling much better already
Sonic's light laughter and the extra squeeze that he gave him was more than a reassurance, a silent 'your welcome'. But despite being comforted, despite feeling somewhat alright again he didn't want to let go.
His hands had stopped shaking at this point, and was merely wallowing around in the comfort and the embrace, feeling the tiredness cover him like a soft blanket, the surrogate older brother catching on as he chuckled.
"You want me to stay?" Every little bit of self-preservation in regards of wanting to do everything himself had vanished at this point, as he nodded against Sonic's neck.
A pad on his back was the que to pull back, the fox leaning back as Sonic shuffled into the fox's bed, picking up the cover partially from the floor as he laid down and scooted towards the wall raising his arm. Tails smiled as a yawn penetrated his lips, wiping at his eyes to remove the last bits of water, as he shuffled closer to Sonic.
The arm was over his shoulder as he laid on his side against him, the yellow head resting on the hedgehog's shoulder, while the blanket was pulled over him.
The hedgehog gave him one last smile, one which the fox gave back to him as he closed his eyes, letting out a sigh.
"Thanks for being awesome," he whispered, making his guardian laugh lightly, padding the fox's shoulder.
"Of course bud. Somebody has to be," he could practically hear the wink, as the hedgehog's hand moved from his shoulder to his head, ruffling his bangs before rubbing a spot behind his ear.
Tails leaned in to the touch more than anything, a wave of relaxation overwhelming him, as both tails wound around both him and the hedgehog, snuggling his head closer.
He didn't pay attention to the quiet hum he made, sounds of "Prrrh rrr prrh rrr," quietly emitting in the room, though the maker of the sound was oblivious to it.
The hedgehog grinned fondly nonetheless, stopping the action as he also closed his eyes, slowly drifting into the same limbo. A limbo which was quiet, nothing being cold, nothing chasing anybody and nobody was falling either.
Everything was quiet and tranquil, equilibrium once again restored in a young fox who wanted to do nothing but be reassured that he wasn't alone.
A nightmare might scare him every now and again, but he was more than happy that Sonic didn't blame him for it.
That's what he loved him for.