Anastasia

At home, I acted every bit of the nineteen-year-old girl I was. I threw things around my room, screamed angrily and cried plenty of tears. Afterwards, I went to my mom's cupboard and pulled out a bottle of her best vodka. I took two shots and texted Ethan, asking if he was busy. It was a shitty thing to do, and I was being needy and reckless and stupid but right then, I really didn't care about anything. Just as I had anticipated, he replied straight away saying that he would make his way over right away.

Whilst I waited, I thought about everything that had transpired in such a short period of time. No matter what, Christian would never put me above all else. I would never be his number one priority. There would always be somebody or something else that would capture his attention more. Something in front of me, blocking us from being together completely. If it wasn't Harriet, it would be Riley. If it wasn't college, it would be his business. All I ever wanted was all of him. Everything else could go to hell and we'd figure out the rest. But he wasn't there and I was done trying. I was done being second place. I loved him more than anything in this world and I always would, but I couldn't trail him around forever, always placing as runner up.

It was time to move forward.

It was time to let go and be my own person.

Ethan came fifteen minutes and he looked around at my messy room, shaking his head as he closed the door.

"What happened?" He asked, coming over to me.

I turned to face the window, looking out at the beautiful day. I found it unnerving that so much could change in just the span of an hour. I looked down at my hand, now empty of my ring and a tear fell.

"Hey," Ethan said softly, wrapping his strong arms around me. "Tell me what's wrong."

"Christian," I said.

He looked down at my ring and neither of us needed to say anything further. Instead, he hugged me tighter.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I know you might not believe me, but I'm sorry Ana. Truly."

I leaned back against his chest.

"I know you are," I said, believing him. He was a truthful and honest guy and I knew he was genuinely sorry for me.

"What can I do to help you?" He asked earnestly. "What can I do to make you feel better?"

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. I could feel him against me, lean and strong and oh so different to the body I loved. The body I had given everything to. But it was firm and here and it had chosen me.

"Make me forget for a while," I whispered, the words sounding alien on my tongue.

When he stilled, not quite grasping my meaning, I reached back for his hand, placing it on my breast.

He drew a sharp intake of breath behind me.

"Ana..." he started, but I turned around, looking up into his big blue confused gaze.

"Do you not want me?" I asked.

He shook his head, smiling a little as he moved his hand down to my waist.

"Silly girl," he murmured. "Of course I do. But I don't want it to be..."

I shut him up by standing on my tiptoes and kissing him. He responded instinctively, giving me all of himself. I pushed him down onto the bed, lifting my dress up over my head as I straddled him and reached for the zipper on his jeans.

Somewhere, far in the back of my mind, was Christian's face. Would always be Christian's face. Lingering and haunting, reminding me what it felt like to love somebody.

I leaned down, recapturing his lips as I blocked it out.

In the morning, Ethan left early for work which I was thankful for. The high and the anger and all of the after-effects had worn off with sleep. I was now feeling nothing but emptiness. In the shower, my tears mingled with the rest of the water but when I emerged, I wiped them dry with my towel.

I had to be strong. I had to carry on living my life, with or without Christian. I could no longer continue to depend on him for my happiness and sanity and fulfilment. I needed to survive on my own. I needed to learn how to move on.

I threw on a clean dress and vans, intent on taking myself shopping again for some much needed retail therapy. I'd be leaving for California tomorrow, this time by myself. I tried not to think about it too much before I lost it all over again.

As I was grabbing my keys to head out, the front door knocked and I stilled, hesitating before opening.

I took a deep breath and did so anyway.

On the other side, Christian stood. He was in a white shirt with khaki shorts. His hair was beautifully floppy and despite myself, my heart skipped a beat. Just like it always would whenever he was near.

Before I could say anything, he was down on one knee before me.

"I went home last night," he said quietly, his voice a little raspy. From the dark circles underneath his eyes, I'd gathered that he hadn't gotten any sleep.

"I went home, and I held your ring in my hand all evening," he continued. "I thought about everything. I thought about you and myself and the future and all I could see was emptiness without you. With you gone, my business suddenly meant nothing. My plans, my goals, my dreams…they were all meaningless."

A tear caught in his eye and I looked away, crying softly myself.

"They only mean something if I have you to share them with and I'm so sorry Ana," he breathed. "I'm sorry for being so selfish and asking you to give up your dreams for me. I never should have done that. You're an artist and you need to flourish and become the amazing woman you're meant to be."

I gripped the door, needing some support. Pain lanced through me like a white-hot iron.

"You told me to find someone that I'd walk through fire for," he said. "But that person is you Ana. I'd give up my business in a heartbeat. I'd give up anyone and everyone. I'll come back to California with you and I'll work from there. I don't need to go to college to still be with you. I love you Ana. You and only you."

"Why are you saying this now?" I asked breathlessly, my voice catching in my throat. "Why didn't you say all this yesterday? You only seem to want me when I'm gone Christian."

He shook his head. "No. I want you now. Forever. I say stupid things all the time and I probably always will, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't do anything for you. I wasn't even thinking. I'll sort out my issues. I'll work on myself every single day. I just...I never..."

He shook his head, overwhelmed as he pulled my hand forward and placed the ring back on it firmly.

"I'm not giving up on you and I'm not letting you go," he said, looking into my eyes with a blaze and determination so fierce it bought me to my knees. "Tell me what you want, and I'll do it. Anything. Just please forgive me."

"Christian..." I trailed off, unable to find words. I didn't know what to do or say. For once I was speechless.

He pulled me to him, wrapping me in a tight hug that immediately felt like home. I collapsed into him, both of us falling to the ground. Despite everything, I couldn't help myself. I kissed him hard, winding my fingers through his soft hair, my body rejoicing at the feeling of being home.

But as I did so, I thought of last night. Lips I kissed that were not Christian's. A wild, unthinking spontaneous reaction that was so unlike me. A moment of complete weakness. Ethan's body, moving over mine in a way that was so unfamiliar, yet a very welcome release and escape I had so desperately needed at the time.

I pulled away, burying my face in his neck as he held me tightly.

What had I done?