Chapter Nine
SUMMARY: It's been six months since Thranduil received Elrond's message that Legolas had arrived in Rivendell, and the Lord of Imladris has wisely decided to allow his son to take some time to grow closer to his new friend, Estel.
While our young Prince settles into his new surroundings, let's check in on our friends in Dale.
This chapter begins where "An Invincible Summer" left off, and while the men attended Daeron's Stag night at the Long Lake Tavern, the women at the Castle get up to some hi-jinks, and it's ALL GALION'S FAULT!
And we peek in on Bard's Hunting Lodge and see how our newlyweds are doing.
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Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't, I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me…
-from "Just Breathe," by Pearl Jam
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City of Dale; 10th of May 2944 T.A.
The Royal Family had finally said farewell to their temporary rooms behind the Great Hall and moved into the Castle. At Bard's insistence, the second floor living quarters was set up for comfort and relaxation. This was the safe space for the Kings to throw off their crowns and capes and be ordinary husbands and fathers. The furnishings were simple, comfortable, and made for their family to relax and be themselves, a contrast to the formal style of the Throne room, the Ball room, and the smaller receiving rooms on the main floor.
While Tilda loved the idea of a bedroom of her own, complete with a tiny set of steps next to the bed to accommodate her small pug dog, Meryl, things were different for the little girl during the nights, when the shadows loomed, and she usually showed up at the King's bedchamber door, with big eyes, a trembling voice, accompanied by Charlotte and Meryl.
On the day of Daeron's Stag Night and Rhian's Hen Party, Hilda had an idea and spoke to Thranduil about it. "Instead of sending the Little Bean to stay with Alis and Dafina tonight, why don't we set up a sleepover party in her room? Most of her little friends' parents will be busy anyway, so it would help them, too."
"That is a good idea," Thranduil said. "Galion would love an excuse to stay here. Loud raucous parties are not something he enjoys, so this would give him an excuse to bow out of the revelry without seeming rude."
Galion jumped at the chance, and the day of the parties, several cots were set up in the Princess's room, ready to receive her overnight visitors. Cook and Greta made sure that there were plenty of treats ready, when it was time for the girls to leave the grownup party and go upstairs. The Aide threw himself into the spirit of things and conferred with several of the Guards to arrange a special surprise for them, but he refused to say what.
"It is a secret, Tithen Pen. All I will say is that your Ada and his friends had great fun when he was young, and I think you and your friends will enjoy it very much."
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Later that night, in the larger Receiving room, Rhian had almost finished opening her gifts when they heard the loud commotion of squeals and laughter, followed by Thangon's deep barks, and Meryl's excited yipping.
Hilda got up. "Let me go see what that's all about." After a few minutes, she came back with a smile on her face, "You gals have got to see this!"
They followed her to the bottom of the Grand Staircase and saw what the girls were up to: Galion had arranged for part of the steps to be covered with smooth planks, and there was Tilda, Dilna's granddaughter Alda, and Glélindë's two girls, Alis and Dafina, squealing with delight, as they rode a narrow mattress down the 'slide' and tumbled into a deep pile of cushions at the bottom.
"That looks like fun!" Hannah's daughter-in-law, Darla, laughed. "Can I have a go?"
The little girls were nice enough to let the grownups take a turn, and hilarity ensued, as the Women, Dwarrows and Ellyth, both young and old enjoyed a ride. Even Enid and Gladys, who were in their late sixties, whooped and hollered with the best of them, as they raised their hands in the air and flew.
But everyone agreed the highlight was when Hilda made Galion take a turn with her. She grinned like a fiend, as the Elven Aide nervously took his place behind her. Tilda, Sigrid, and Rhian pushed them off with extra enthusiasm, and when they tumbled together and landed in a heap on the pile of cushions, Hilda was flat on her back with her skirts and petticoats above her head, and Galion landed on top of her in a sea of ruffles.
Everyone howled. Dilna and Enid hung onto each other, breathless with laughter, as did Idril and Indis. Sigrid and Rhian were wiping their eyes, and Tauriel was shocked to see her dignified, stoic Adar-nauth look so ridiculous, but soon she collapsed in giggles with the rest of them.
"I can't see!" Hilda yelled, as she tried to dig her way out of the sea of fabric. Galion, on his hands and knees, blushing a deep red to the tips of this ears, made feeble attempts to find her after he accidentally grabbed her thigh, he was too mortified to be of any help.
Meryl had been watching from the sidelines, her head tilting back and forth with confusion, but Lady Hilda's screeching was too much of a temptation. The little pug-dog dove into the disheveled mountain of petticoats and began to dig, but soon became lost in the layers. The occasional glimpse of an arm here, or a leg there, was joined by a wiggling, yipping, petticoat covered bundle.
Thangon dove into the fray to rescue his little side-kick but landed atop poor Galion.
"OOOF!" The Elf groaned, and the guards nearby grabbed up under his armpits and dragged him away, not bothering to hide their laughter.
The huge dog took a mouthful of cloth in his mouth, shaking and pulling the whole mess apart. The ruffles on Hilda's petticoats ripped into long strips, and the ladies caught a glimpse of helpless arms flailing in the hill of fabric. Meryl's head emerged, her tongue curled up as she panted with excitement, before she dove back into the fracas with a gleeful bark. Thangon, mouth full of pantaloons, let out a muffled bark of delight and renewed his efforts.
"Thangon! Move off, you daft bugger!" Hilda shrieked.
Eventually, the Guards managed to recover their to rescue them both, and managed to get the Aide and the Seneschal back onto their feet, amidst cheers and applause, and the ladies returned to their party (where sat the bedraggled Hilda with a large glass of wine), and sent out a drink to Galion, who resumed his supervision of Tilda and her friends.
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After the Stag Night, Thranduil and Bard had been carted back to their home in the back of Daffyd's wagon, and Ivran and Ruvyn managed to get them up to their room, so Galion could take off their boots and throw a blanket over them, then left the Kings to sleep it off.
"Was everyone at the Inn this drunk?" Galion asked incredulously.
"Just ones who drank the Marchwarden's wine." Ruvyn shook his head.
"Which was almost everyone." Ivran rolled his eyes at his friend.
They all took in the sight of their dead drunk Kings for a moment. Bard was sprawled on his back, with his mouth hanging open, snoring, and Thranduil had flopped on his stomach, and was drooling on his pillow.
"Not a word out of either of you." The Aide warned. "I do not want word getting around of the condition these two are in, is that clear?"
"Of course not, My Lord!" Ivran was indignant.
"We would never!" Ruvyn seconded. "Besides, everyone else was just as bad off, if not worse. I doubt anyone would notice."
"What about Daffyd and his son Powell?"
"I asked them to be discreet, and they readily agreed." Ivran told the Aide. "Daffyd said they owe Lord Bard a great deal for help with Mistress Ellyn's children. They will not say anything."
"Good." Galion sighed. "Go to the Healing House and ask for either Ermon or one of his assistants to come first thing tomorrow morning, to look after them."
"Yes, My Lord." They saluted and left.
Before he went back to bed, the Aide walked up and down the wide Hall of the Royal Living Quarters doing what he often did, late at night: check on the members of his family.
Hilda had gone to bed a few hours before, and Percy had been hauled in not thirty minutes ago. They both were fast asleep, although he wouldn't envy Percy his headache the next morning. Quietly, Galion placed a wastebasket beside Percy's side of the bed. He didn't look in on Bain; he had decided to stay with Bowen and Rhys and avoid the commotion.
He silently opened Sigrid's door and peeked in. She was bundled up in her blankets, and all he could see was the top of her head and her nose.
After the fun on the stairs, she had come up and helped him get the little ones settled down, so they could finally all get to sleep, he'd been grateful for the help. Galion loved children, he really did, but seven giggling little girls had been more of a handful than he'd anticipated. Sigrid helped get the girls into their pajamas and made sure they all went to the privy. Then she took them to the washroom to get their faces washed, their teeth brushed, then sat with Galion as he told them stories until they all began to get sleepy.
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Once the last one had drifted off, he kissed Sigrid on the forehead. "Thank you, heryn vuil. I was about to use a sleeping spell."
"Are you still glad you didn't go to the Inn with Da and Ada?"
He laughed. "I doubt their party was as wild as Tilda's."
"Good night, Uncle Galion." She hugged him. "I love you."
"I love you, too. Sleep well."
Galion smiled to himself and softly shut the door and saw that Tauriel's light was on. He knocked softly.
"Come in."
"Are you well, Gwinïg? It is very late."
"I am fine, Uncle. Are you well?" she fastened the belt to her robe and started to brush her hair.
"I will recover." He smiled. "Perhaps this will help Tilda adjust to her new room. Did you see Ivran and Ruvyn drag your fathers to their room?"
Tauriel giggled. "I heard the Marchwarden's wine was popular."
Galion stood behind her and took the brush from her. "Are you happy, my Gwinïg?"
"I am." She said, thoughtfully. "I miss Kili; he will always be in my heart, but his memory has softened, and I no longer think so much about that day on Ravenhill. Now, I think about his smile, and his eyes, when he gave me his mother's stone that day on the Lake."
He put his hand on her shoulder and she looked up at him and chose her words carefully. "I also miss Legolas; I think about him every day, but I do not feel the hurt or the guilt I once did."
"That is wonderful, Tauriel. He must follow his own path, for a while, but I believe he will come back soon, and all will be well." Galion ran the brush through her shining red locks. "Tell me: have you spoken of your feelings about this matter to Ada?"
She shook her head.
"You might be interested to know he received a long letter from Lord Elrond last month."
"He did?" Tauriel asked, slightly hurt. "But why would he not say anything to me?"
"Hold still, Muin nîn." Galion quickly worked her hair into one long braid then fastened it. Then he handed her back the brush and sat down in the chair opposite her. "Ada said nothing for the same reason I did not. You lost a great deal that day, Gwinïg: your home, your best friend, and the one you loved. If that were not bad enough, you were deeply hurt by your confrontation with Thranduil."
"But Ada is different now, and we are better than we have ever been!"
"Yes, you are, and I thank the Stars every night for that." Galion squeezed her hand. "But your Ada will never forget his actions, and will take that shame with him, even to Valinor. Is it any wonder he wants to protect you from more pain? What if he were to take you into his study and show it to you, and you became depressed again? He loves you and is afraid to hurt you any more than he already has." He tilted his head. "Can you blame him, child?"
She thought for a minute and nodded. "I think I understand."
"I knew you would. I urge you to go to him and share these feelings, Gwinïg. But wait until after the wedding." He grinned. "Ada will need a bit of time to recover from tonight's exploits, I think."
She got up and kissed his cheek. "I will."
Next, Galion decided to brave it, and checked in on the group of sleeping girls, just in case one of them needed anything.
All were fast asleep, but Feren's youngest daughter, Dafina, dropped her stuffed rabbit on the floor, so he gently tucked it back under her arm in the cot she was sharing with her sister Alis. Then he went over and pulled the blankets over Tilda. She had not only kicked them off herself, which was typical, but also off her friend Gwen, who was sharing the bed. He silently cleared the floor of as much debris as possible, just as her dog Meryl woke up, walked down the little ramp, and followed him into the hall, with her tail wagging.
"Meryl," he whispered. "Go back to Tilda."
But she sat her rump down refused to budge.
"I see…" he laughed. "The party was a bit much for you, as well?" he asked.
Meryl tilted her head back and forth, then bared her teeth in a smile.
"Come on, then." He rolled his eyes and sighed. "The Guards will wake us if the girls begin to stir."
Soon after, Galion was settled into his own bed, and the pug was curled in a ball next to him, snoring away.
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Things were unusually subdued in the Castle the next morning. Thranduil rubbed his temples, as he gingerly made his way down the Grand Staircase, and when he reached the bottom, the Elvenking saw the stack of smooth boards and cushions, and laughed, despite his nausea. "Who came up with the idea to slide down the staircase?" He asked Greta, the housekeeper.
"Oh, that was Lord Galion's doing! It was for the wee ones. And Princess Tilda and her friends had a grand time…"
Thranduil smiled. "I have not done that since I was young."
"…then the ladies joined in. Even Lady Hilda and Galion took a turn!"
"I beg your pardon?"
Greta told him the whole story and couldn't stop sniggering. "…and down they went on that mattress, then ended up tumbling 'arse over pickle-dish!'" She laughed. "The little girls just loved it!"
Thranduil's eyes were wide in amazement, then laughed. "I am sorry I missed it." He put his hands on the Housekeeper's shoulders and kissed her cheek. "Thank you, dear lady. I promise Galion will never live this down!"
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King Bard's Hunting Lodge; 17th of May 2944 T.A.
Four days after his wedding, Daeron Adamarion was lying on his side, with his head propped up on his elbow, thoroughly enjoying the sight of his new wife.
Rhian was on her back, with her head facing him; her mouth was opened slightly as she took deep, smooth breaths. He smiled at the sight of the freckles at the top of her shoulders; he planned on kissing every single one of them… Her skin was a shade darker than his, a golden tone that brought out the color of her eyes. Her shiny, chestnut-colored hair fell into smooth waves almost to her rear end, but like most of the females he knew, it was put into a thick braid for sleeping.
Rhian murmured something in her sleep, and rolled away from him, so he rolled onto his back and considered his life. Daeron had been prepared for the possibility of losing his special gifts when he joined with this Mortal and changed his fate, but as he looked into her eyes, into her fëa at the height of their joining, he was overjoyed to know he hadn't. Without a word being spoken, Rhian knew it too, for since that moment, she was a part of him, and he of her.
But even that paled in comparison with what else he had found in Rhian's eyes. Eru Ilúvatar, the beloved Creator had granted him the sweetest gift of all on his wedding night: Daeron had looked into Rhian's fëa and found the One he'd loved and lost all those years ago, the one who had never had the chance to draw a living breath…
Eru had not forgotten his little Sellwen; she was here, sleeping beside him!
Rhian had always been meant for him…
"Mmmmm…." Rhian rolled over and her soft, warm hand reached for him.
He lifted his arm and gathered her to him. "It is morning, my wife."
"But I'm not ready to wake up, my husband," she sighed. "It's wonderful to sleep in like this…. Your son likes to get me up at the crack of dawn."
"My son…" Daeron's heart churned, and he laughed out loud. "I will never get tired of saying that."
"Good. The next time he throws a tantrum, he's all yours." Rhian snuggled into him.
"Oh, he would never do that for his Ada."
"Hah! Just you wait." She kissed his chest and began to massage his nipple.
"I thought you wanted to go back to sleep." He grinned.
"Well, I'm up now…" her hands traveled over his stomach, then lower. "Apparently so are you."
Rhian moved up and kissed him, softly at first, but he grabbed her face and opened her mouth for a long, hard kiss that seemed to go on forever.
"Oh, stars, that's so good…." She moaned, as he nuzzled her neck. "Sit up against the headboard, love," she urged. "I want on top."
"I will, and you will," he breathed, "but only after I have my fun."
He had her on her back in one smooth movement and after kissing her again, he moved down to her neck, her collarbone, then took her full breasts in his hands and began to tease her dark, hard nipples. "You are so beautiful, Hind Calen…" he lowered his head and sucked one, then the other, as she gasped and writhed beneath him.
"Oh, please…" she begged.
Their wedding night was explosive, and they were too astounded and exhausted afterwards to do anything but hold each other. But later, after they'd finally rested, he had touched and kissed every part of his wife's body, and when he first tasted his wife's essence, it sent a jolt of desire through him. He loved it.
He pushed two fingers into her wet warmth and teased her with his tongue until her hips couldn't stay still, and her loud cries filled the air.
Sweet music.
"Oh, gods, Daeron!" she buried her hands in his hair and her entire body stiffened, and she came hard with a scream, and his noises joined her as he felt her waves of pleasure.
She was still gasping and panting when she pushed him away. "I need you inside me; now!"
He settled himself into a sitting position against the headboard, then she straddled him, and lowered herself down on his hard, throbbing cock. Ai, she was still pulsing from her orgasm, and he couldn't help but cry out as she enveloped him.
He fondled and suckled on her breasts as she grabbed the headboard and began to move on him, until he wanted to explode, but when she lowered her head and sucked on the tips of his ears, he had to pull off her nipple so as not to bite her, as his teeth clenched, and he let go with a loud cry.
They finally calmed down and among whispered endearments and loving caresses, they settled back into each other's arms against the soft pillows.
"Oh, my lovely Rhian…" he kissed her brow. "Having you in my arms is such a joy; never in all my years could I have imagined how wonderful it would be to make love to you."
"I hope you thought it was worth waiting for," he could feel her smile into his chest.
"I do, with all my heart," he whispered. "And not just because our fëas have joined…"
"…which was amazing," she giggled. "That was something I couldn't have imagined."
"It was seeing, and knowing…" his throat tightened, "that Eru the Creator found a way to give you back to me." He swallowed.
"Stars; that was incredible; I'll never forget our wedding night, and really seeing you, like that." She kissed his neck. "Then to feel like I'd known you a long time… I still can't get over that."
"Making love with you is a wondrous thing, my Hind Calen." Daeron said dreamily. "No words could ever describe how it really feels."
She hummed. "You know all about the human body, and how it works, Daeron." She lifted her head and traced the line of his jaw.
"I do. But it is one thing to 'know,' and another to experience it." Daeron searched her face. "You are my home, Rhian." He placed his hand on her heart. "You have always been the home that the Valar wanted for me."
Rhian's eyes filled with tears. "We both went through so much… All those things tried to tear us apart, yet we're here now. I won't lie; I'll never say I'm glad I went through all of that…"
"And well you shouldn't. Many people like to think that the Valar causes everything to happen for a reason, but that is just not so."
She became very quiet, then sat up and pulled her knees up close, wrapped her arms around them, and stared out the window.
"Rhian? Did I say something to upset you?" He sat up and propped them both up with pillows. "Come here, Meleth nîn. I do not like to see you unhappy."
"No; it's not that at all." She let him pull her against him. "I was thinking…"
"Can you tell me about it?"
After a moment, she nodded her head, then began to speak. "I grew up with a father who taught me almost nothing of the Valar, or Eru, or how the world was really made. And when I was small, I remember hearing that saying, 'Everything happens for a reason.'"
"Many people say that." He said gently. "It is a platitude to offer comfort, to try to make sense of the frightening chaos. I can understand that."
"I suppose, but when I married Garth, he… hurt me. If the things he did were part of some greater plan…" she looked up into his eyes. "How could someone feel cared for by the Valar or even Eru, when they could 'plan' something like what happened to me? That stupid saying convinced me they didn't care about me, either."
"Oh, no…" he ran his hand over her hair. "No… that is simply not true, Rhian."
"But you can see why I believed that, can't you? My father didn't care about me, and Garth wanted me to believe I wasn't worth anything either." She shook her head. "Ben and Cristyn loved me, but I didn't get to see them often enough to teach me any better, so I really thought the gods didn't think I was worth much, if all these things were part of their plan. I… " she picked the edge of the blanket covering her breasts. "I don't know if I'm saying this right…"
"No; I think I understand what you mean, and of course, if you went through your life thinking the Valar wanted those things to happen to you, so other things could take place..." he shook his head.
"When I worked in Dale before, I had patients who miscarried, or their babies were stillborn, despite everything I tried, and to look into the eyes of those suffering mothers and tell them it was somehow meant to be… It would be the worst kind of cruelty, no matter how kindly it was meant, and could have driven some to end their own lives. It is such a dangerous idea!
"Rhian," he shifted so he could look into her eyes, "I know the depth of that pain, and what it can do. That night in Dale, when Sellwen died…. I thought her fëa was gone forever, and I knew that tragedy was not the fault of the powers of Arda." Daeron paused, then said, "but even so, I… was lost for a long time, and no one was sure if I would get well, again."
"What happened, love?"
"I … my mind could not accept the truth. I held on to the child and could not let her go. My friends were frightened for me and had to be careful not to break me beyond repair."
"Oh, no…" her eyes filled with compassion. "I didn't know Elves could suffer like that, love."
"It can happen with Elves just as it can happen with Men, Rhian. We are strong, but highly sensitive, and someone with my gifts can even more vulnerable."
"Is that why Lord Thranduil and Turamarth have always looked out for you?"
He nodded in affirmation. "Gifts like mine are wonderful, and I am glad they are still with me, but they come with a price." He tightened his arms around her and went on. "Turamarth did not always live so close; he had his career and worked with the Guardians in the forest at home. After Sellwen and her mother were murdered, my Aunt Indis spoke to Lord Thranduil, and made sure we were together as much as possible."
"What happened that night?"
"The Master of the Healing House sent for Girion, and…." His voice became rough. "The King came into the room, where I was holding her. I…" Daeron blew out a breath. "I kept tried to convince him - and myself - that she was still with me, and if I could just look into her eyes…"
Rhian reached up and brushed away the tear on his cheek. "Your friends must have been heartbroken to see you hurting like that."
"They were gentle, and patient, but Girion had to make me see the truth. He convinced me to see for myself, and when I put my hand on her little chest and all was still and empty…" Daeron's vision swam, and his voice wavered. "It was... unspeakable.
"There is something Elves experience called the Rista-Goel. It is the 'Terrible Severing' we feel when a soul-mate dies. When took her from me..." he swallowed, " when I realized she was dead...I collapsed from the pain, and..."
Rhian ran her thumb across his trembling lips, and stroked his cheek, as she listened. "What happened then, babe?"
"King Girion moved me into rooms in the Castle, away from... all of it. Then he arranged for me to be looked after, then sent a message to Lord Thranduil, to bring help, and quickly. I needed help, Rhian," he admitted. "I was not fit to work in Dale anymore." He grimaced at the memory of those long months.
"I had no idea…" She hugged him tight. "What happened then?"
"Turamarth came and brought me home, and my family took care of me. They made sure I ate, I got enough rest, even had Ermon come each night to put me to sleep. Aunt Indis took me out on walks and urged me speak of it, and it became easier to face my grief. Turamarth was determined to help me become part of the world again. He would not give up, and I owe him so much…"
"We both do. Just like we owe Hannah for helping me live again." She squeezed him again. "What would have happened, if you thought all that was part of the Valar's plan?"
"If I believed they had deliberately caused those deaths, even for some greater good, there would be no reason to hope. Why go on, after that? I would have given up on life entirely, can you understand?"
"I really do," she looked earnestly at him. "What you say makes so much more sense. All those terrible things had nothing to do with the Valar at all."
"No; they did not." He took her hand and kissed it. "But when we suffer through the madness of others, we can pray for the Valar to help us find purpose and reason in that turmoil and help us come through it. Sometimes we are better for it, but only because we looked for help."
"'Not everything happens for a reason, but the Valar can bring reason into everything that happens...'" Rhian whispered softly.
"Yes, Hind Calen; my people often say this."
"I saw it in one of the history books Lord Thranduil loaned me, but I didn't remember it until just now." She shrugged. "At the time, it didn't mean anything to me."
"But you do now, I hope?"
"Aye; I think I do."
"And how do you feel, now?"
Rhian sighed, but looked at peace. "Better. It's funny but knowing the Valar have less control makes me feel safer. I know that sound silly, but…" she laughed.
Daeron caressed her face, then kissed her. "It is not silly at all. You are meant for me, and I am for you." He swallowed hard. "You have always been my soul-mate, my Daughter of Joy. That has been the Valar's plan for us, since before either of us came into being. Many things tried to keep us apart, but here we are."
"Here we are," she whispered. "I love you so much."
"And I love you," he kissed her again, then buried his face in the sweet smell of her hair as he held her tight.
They reveled in quiet contentment for several minutes, then Rhian said, "Daeron?"
"What, Meleth?"
"I can't help but wonder why so much happened to try to keep us apart, don't you?"
"What do you mean?"
"I believe it's true that Eru and the Valar found a way to bring Sellwen's fëa back to you. I..." She struggled for words. "On our wedding night, when we joined, you recognized me, and I still can't put into words how I knew it was true, but here we are, Daeron!" She sat up again and looked at him. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"It is remarkable; a miracle, really."
"But that's just my point. Don't you see? I nearly died from what Garth did to me. Then I nearly died giving birth to Darryn, but I didn't! Then we were kidnapped and nearly killed by those monsters a year ago, and how many miracles came about to get us out of there? Lord Celeborn made sure Thranduil lived, you and Lady Galadriel found a way to help Tilda, and we were saved!"
"That is true…"
Rhian's voice filled with earnestness and wonder. "Not even Sellwen's death could stop Eru and the Valar from trying to make sure you and I came together! Don't you think that's extraordinary?"
Daeron began to understand, and his eyes widened. "So, you are saying…"
"What if you and I were brought together, for bigger purpose?"
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ELVEN TRANSLATIONS:
Adar-nauth – Father of the heart
Muin nîn – My dear.
Rista-Goel - "Terrible Severing," when the fëa of a bond-mate dies. Since Daeron and Sellwen were not joined in marriage, it wasn't potentially fatal, but agonizing, nonetheless.