Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight

Chapter 10 – Hopes and Sorrows

We are soon in the car, driving toward Forks. It's still not that late, maybe around nine. I'm sure my dad won't be mad. Lynn grips the wheel with both hands as she drives. She seems uncertain, reluctant to speak, but eventually utters the words that could change everything between us.

"Will you tell me your new theory now? I promise I won't laugh." She's trying to speak lightly. She's not succeeding.

"Okay…. It's not easy though…. And I don't think it will make you laugh."

"That bad?" Her quick glance is full of dark forebodings.

"Er, yeah, pretty bad in some ways. Definitely crazy, but then again what hasn't been crazy since the day I met you? When I was still in Phoenix, I occasionally fantasized about how my life would change here in Forks. The truth is a lot weirder than anything I'd come up with."

"You're stalling…" She mutters.

"I'm not sure where to start."

"Usually it's a good idea to start at the beginning."

"Okay, so I went to La Push on the weekend." She frowns, unclear on the connection. "My dad has friends on the reservation and when I was a kid I used to play with Billy Black's children, Jacob and Rebecca." Lynn looks obviously surprised. She wasn't expecting this.

"Billy Black is one of the tribe's elders, a descendant of Ephraim Black." I add.

Her face freezes, eyes still on the road; it's just to avoid looking at me. Her hands clutch the wheel so hard they shake a little.

"He's kind of family, in a sense. So Jacob and Rebecca told me about the treaty negotiated by their grandfather, about werewolves, and about, well, vampires…." I don't want to look at her, a little embarrassed, but I need to see her reaction. She sifts through anxiety and hope, looking for the right fit.

"And you thought of me?" Her voice is feeble.

"No. They mentioned your family. I swear I won't tell anybody else. You know I can keep quiet. Tell you the truth, I wouldn't have believed any of that. It sounds crazy, no way around it. But then Jacob turned into a wolf in front of my eyes." I shudder. "Suddenly he had just become a lot more believable."

We get to my house, but we are not ready to part yet. I'm not sure we will ever be. A tidal wave of sorrow threatens to overwhelm me when she turns to me. She seems in pain. The engine's purr has been silenced. Why is she sad? If her true nature bothered me I wouldn't be here, obviously.

"What is it Lynn? I'm right, aren't I? It's okay. I don't care whether you're human or not."

She looks surprised.

"You don't care?" She repeats, mesmerized. She bites her lower lip but a smile lurks at the edges of her sadness.

"Wait." Her expression alternates between joyful and annoyed. "You know the truth. And you have known the whole time. And yet, you wanted to have dinner with me…. and you are here. You wanted to be here. Alone. With me. Why aren't you afraid?"

I roll my eyes.

"Why? Why do you think a boy would want to be alone with a girl?" The world we are in now, there are only two people in it, and yet I feel it's much more complete than when anybody else is around.

"But you don't care that I'm…. a monster? That I could kill you as easily as you squish mosquitos? What do you think I feed on?" Her happiness has quickly turned into shock.

"According to my friends you and the other Cullens feed on animals. Didn't I tell you? The young Quileutes trust you. Only the elders cling to their superstitions."

"It's true that we only feed on animals, but that doesn't mean we are not dangerous. We make mistakes, at times. Even now, I can smell your blood. It's a constant temptation." She looks downcast again, and my heart flutters.

"Is it hard to resist?"

"Yes. But the more time I spend with you the easier it becomes. I'm trying to get used to it." She looks at me again, wondering what I will say next. "Please tell me what you think….."

"I want to ask you a favor. Please don't harm my friends. They shouldn't have told me about the treaty but they meant well."

"What do you mean?"

"They asked me if I liked any girl at school and somehow we ended up talking about you, I think…." Another blush mortifies me. She sighs again but she can't hide her moonlight smile. Its beams stroke the innermost recesses of my mind and butterfly wings flutter through my veins.

"Point is, they were just being helpful." My skin has probably turned purple. "Anyways. I'm here. I'm not afraid. I trust you."

"No, Brandon." Pained now. "What is wrong with you? Why can't you see the danger I represent for you? Why can't you be afraid of us as you should be? I will only ruin your life if you let me."

I sigh even louder than she did, more like an annoyed huff really. She really doesn't get it.

"Okay, I see. I'm in Hell."

"What?" She can only master a confused frown.

"Yeah. Your rescue. It was all a dream. I knew it was all too good to be true. This is hell."

"Er," her voice is as unhappy as her eyes. "I can see why you'd think I'm a demon but…."

I sigh again, even more exasperated.

"No, you don't get it. It's hell because you keep reminding me that you regret saving my life."

"No, Brandon, how can you say that?" Angry again.

"You call yourself a monster. You tell me being with you is a mistake. Sounds to me like you think you're hurting me even though actually you came to me when I needed you."

"Oh Brandon, this is dangerous, and possibly wrong, but I can't deny how happy your words make me feel. When I got back on Sunday, after what felt like a very long weekend, I wanted to see you so much but…"

"You came back on Sunday? Why didn't you come to school on Monday?" My voice has a sharp edge to it.

She seems surprised by my tone.

"The sun doesn't hurt us, but we can't be with humans on sunny days. People would be able to tell something is wrong, that we are not like you."

"Why? What do you look like in the sunlight?"

"I will show you someday. I think…." She bites her lip again. "I don't want to hide anything from you anymore."

"Okay, cool."

"Why are you taking all this so calmly?" She asks when she sees me smile. Her eyes are wide open, still incredulous. "Why aren't you freaking out? Most humans would have run off screaming by now."

"We already agreed I'm not your average human, for one thing, and for another the world is more interesting than I'd ever believed possible, Lynn. And if you really saved me, I cheated the reaper….. you gave me a new lease on life."

She starts shaking her head.

"No," I add, impulsively stretching an arm to hold one of her hands again. My heart plays a little symphony when she doesn't pull away. "I'm serious. If you hadn't saved me I wouldn't be here. I'd be in a coffin, feeding the worms. Can't we just enjoy the present? If you weren't who you are, my whole life would already be in the past tense. Brandon did that, Brandon never did this. You gave me a second chance. A chance to do the things I'd always wanted to do. A chance to experience feelings I had never felt before. I can't tell you how precious that is to me."

I stop talking. I need to catch my breath and let it sink in. I realize the interior of the car seems to have grown a lot hotter than I remembered it.

"I know you're grateful…" she says looking at her boots and chewing on her lips.

"Yes, I'm grateful. But that's not why I'm here, in your car, tonight. Don't forget that."

My gaze meets hers. I fall into her eyes again. She falls into mine. We spend a few minutes exploring underground oceans. My hand is still connected with Lynn's. I imagine sparks flying, worlds burning, stars collapsing. Outside the car, the silence is interrupted by the rain, pattering against the windshield. We sigh, laugh a little, and look away.

"Will I see you tomorrow?" I ask, my voice tapering off.

"Yes. I also have a paper due, you know?" Her voice is a little edgy, a little rough. Could she be feeling the same relentless attraction for me that I feel for her? She toys with her hair now, unconsciously, and seems surprised when she notices, like it's not something she usually does. When she bites her lip I burn with desires I can't put into words. My pulse fluctuates wildly. My palms are sweaty. Dad was right; love is worse than the West Nile, but also better.

"All right. You promise?" She sees worry in my eyes. When I exaggerate the frown, she laughs; the sound is a sprinkle of piano notes.

"I promise." Her eyes smolder and we sigh again. She comes closer to me. My heart plays trash metal beats when I think she might kiss me. If that was her intention, she changes her mind. No, she's being a tease. She laughs when she sees how disappointed I am. She stops, her face a few inches from mine. I drink in her fine cheeks, her golden eyes. She shakes her head and her lustrous hair, tied in a loose ponytail, sways with her. I wish I could run my hand through her tresses. I want to see her hair in the sunlight.

"You'd better get inside, before your dad grounds you. It's school night."

"You're such a tease…." I say, mock-piqued, and then we laugh again.

"Tomorrow then." I try to hide my sadness about parting, but I probably fail. Her eyes melt. Reluctantly, I let go of her hand and exit the car.

Away from her, stumbling in the rain toward my soggy stoop, I feel like I can't breathe easily anymore.

"Brandon?" Dad calls from the living room.

"Yes dad." No, I'm the burglar that has been terrorizing the neighborhood. Or was that a gang of racoons? I hear, what a shocking surprise, a tinny baseball game's commentary issuing from the living room.

"Have you eaten son?"

"Yes, in Port Angeles." I reply as I sit in a vacant armchair. Was that just, like, an hour ago?

"How was the trip?"

Pretty surreal.

"It was okay dad. I got a book I was looking for."

"Good. Was the girl you like there?" I'm glad he stopped using the L word. It was unnerving, appropriate or not.

So, was she there? She certainly was.

"No. The Cullens are camping I guess. Maybe I'll see her tomorrow."

"By the way, son, you seem to be getting rather popular with the ladies."

Yeah, and with vampires.

"Dad, you're joking." I scrunch my face in annoyance but he's too absorbed by the television to notice.

"Well, that Rebecca girl called an hour ago. She wanted to talk to you. You've been hanging out at the rez, right? With her and Jacob?"

'Hanging out' hardly describes life-changing events.

"Occasionally, yeah. But it's not like that. I've known them since we were toddlers. They're old friends. Did she say why she was calling?"

"No, she said it was nothing important. She sounded disappointed.."

We chat a little longer, until I excuse myself and head to my room. I want to practice on the guitar a little, but before I can do anything the phone I never bother carrying around with me starts playing the theme song from an old movie. Will this day ever end?

"Hi Mike."

"Hey man, just wanted to make sure you made it home fine."

Sure, sure. And I'm the king of Persia.

"Yeah, I did."

"So, what happened?"

Now we are getting somewhere.

"Not much. We had dinner and then she drove me home."

"Hmm, if you say so…." He pretends to believe me but I suspect he's not buying it. "but, oh, wait, is your father with you?"

Not really, but if I'm honest he will ask me many more questions.

"Yeah, exactly."

"Okay, tomorrow then."

"Sure." I sigh, resigned.

I almost make it to my guitar, but the cursed phone chimes again. I'm starting to remember why I often leave it at home.

It's my mother. We haven't talked in a week and my emails were not enough. She wanted to hear my voice. In fact, she also has some news. Phil, her husband, got a job with a college in Florida so he won't have to travel around as much as he used to. I congratulate her, blithely oblivious of the subtext she's trying to convey, and forcing her to be a little more direct.

"Brandon, that means you don't have to stay in Forks. You could stay with us in Florida. What do you think?"

"Mom, I live with dad now." And her husband will still do some traveling with his new team. Colleges play away games too. She needs to be with him.

"But you hate the rain. And you miss your mother, right?"

Well, not this very minute.

"Of course, mom. You know that. But, really, I'm liking it here a lot more than I thought I would. Forks has been growing on me. I hike a lot, I made new friends….."

My voice is a little higher than it should. I'm having trouble controlling it.

"Brandon. There is something you're not telling me, young man."

There certainly is.

"No mom. Come on…"

"Don't 'come on' me, Brandon. I wasn't born yesterday. You met a girl, didn't you?"

I'm glad she can't see my color now, or my sappy smile.

I sigh.

"Okay, mom, you win. I can't hide anything from you. Yes. I met a girl. But it's early days, okay? Don't make a big deal out of it." My breaking voice doesn't exactly support my case.

"Oh, Brandon. It is a big deal. I can hear it in your tone. But it's okay. I trust you. I don't know how I could have survived with you, without my 'old soul'. But tell me all about her. Let's talk girls, and spare no details." I laugh in spite of myself.

"Is she indie? A cheerleader? Smart? I bet she's smart, right?"

"She is, yes. Indie rather than the cheerleader type. But mom, please. It's too soon. I don't want to talk about it."

"You don't want to jinx it, right? Please… tell me more, just a little…."

"Yes." I sigh; I have to give her something or she'll keep me on the phone all night. "She's in one of my classes. Sometimes we do group work, compare translations, stuff like that."

"Have you kissed her yet?"

"Mom!" At least nobody's here to see me blush. "Not yet. And I really have to go. I have homework to do."

"Okay, Brandon. Love you."

"Bye mom." I hang up, exhausted, and think of how much more relaxing, as a roommate and parent, dad can be.

Outside, most of the sky is clear, but a vanguard of dark clouds swarms the horizon. A crescent moon is still partly visible. I sit near the window and play Claire de Lune, or try to. I imagine Lynn listening to the bittersweet melody like she did that day in school, a few endless weeks ago.