Regina watches through distorted vision as Emma slams the door in her face. She flinches, her shoulders screwed up tight in fear that Lennox might wake up, but after a few moments of silence, she sighs in relief and draws up the conclusion that her goddaughter has finally succumbed to the allure of sleep.
And now, Regina can actually react to Emma walking out on her.
Her nose tingles, her eyes burning from the warm liquid clinging and refusing to dribble down her cheeks. She tries so hard to be strong, resilient, brave, but her chin wobbles and she finds herself caving faster than she ever expected. She drops to her bottom, right there on the very last step where Emma officially gave up on her. She doesn't blame her though. She said some terrible things, she's been cruel and snippy, but she just doesn't know how to cope with all this inner turmoil that's poisoning her deep within.
She hangs her head in shame, her thick strands tumbling all around her face to hide the embarrassment surely staining her cheeks. She runs her fingers through her hair, scratching against her scalp to distract her body from the ache in her heart. She stares aimlessly at the step between her socked feet and finally allows a few tears to wander free.
She's struggling with her bakery for that expansion, she has a huge catering job coming up for a very important woman and between Lennox's rash and maybe teething and definitely not sleeping, she's run herself ragged. And worst of all, she is taking it all out on Emma. It's all because she is a control freak and appreciates the routine and structure in her life and her whole world has been flipped upside down and she hasn't the slightest clue how to manage and adjust.
For the umpteenth time, her mind is screaming to call Kathryn which only provokes her fingers to clench even tighter in her hair. This overwhelming urge is boiling in her chest and if she doesn't scream, she fears the pressure will become too much and she will explode like a shaken can of Coke.
She leaps to her feet, harshly wrapping her sweater closer to her body as she pads across the foyer toward the living room. She falls recklessly onto the couch just as Emma always does and plucks the throw pillow beside her. She collapses on her side, buries her face into that pillow and screams bloody murder as the tears streak down her face.
She can handle stress at work and she is an expert at fixing that, but she doesn't know how to fix herself and be a better guardian for Lennox. She's failing her. And she doesn't know how to stop her tongue from all her sharp digs at Emma. She's failing her and making the woman miserable as well.
So, she screams until her throat is scratchy and her lungs are burning and there isn't an ounce of liquid left in her tear ducts. She pops right up, combs her fingers through her wild locks and takes one deep breath. She will never tell a soul about her temper tantrum, but she does feel much calmer.
She ventures on into the kitchen, makes herself a cup of tea and decides to come up with a new plan regarding Emma and Lennox. Except, her mind is fried and she cannot possibly formulate one coherent thought. So, she resolves that tonight, she will unwind with some tea, and allow her body to recharge while watching some movie that she doesn't necessarily have to pay any attention to.
She squats down near the entertainment center and finds a row of old DVD's lined up neatly at the bottom. She smiles to herself, her finger skimming over each one as she realizes that every one is a home movie. She doesn't bother reading the descriptions, she plucks a random one and decides to pop it in to see.
She curls up on the couch, lays a blanket over her lap, and curls her fingers tightly around the warm cup of tea that's seeping into her flesh and relaxing her entire body. She inhales sharply, scrounges up the courage and presses play. Honestly, she needs her best friend tonight and if she can just hear her voice, she knows that will be enough.
The image that fills the screen is just Kathryn at first, in the kitchen, preparing something at the counter. Her back is to August, or who Regina assumes is August behind the camera. She's wiggling around, singing softly to herself and right away, a steady stream of memories singing karaoke in college come rushing back.
Regina smiles a genuine grin that reaches her eyes.
"Are you singing to our baby girl?" August playfully teases, startling Kathryn who has just been caught with her finger gliding across the bowl in the brownie mix.
"You mean, Sophia?" Kathryn corrects, grinning wildly as she spins around and shows off that baby bump.
Regina tilts her head to the side, completely unaware that the name Sophia was ever on the table.
"Hey," August's tone switches from cheerful to concerned in a split second. "Are you about to lick that batter."
"Maybe."
"Babe, you know you can't have that. That has raw egg, that's so bad for Lennox."
"We are not naming her Lennox," Kathryn exasperates, her smile quickly fading as she peers down at the chocolaty bowl taunting her.
"Why not?" He whines, enclosing the gap between them to scoop up some of the mix to pop into his mouth. "You said you would think about it," he murmurs around his finger, forcing his wife to glare at him with a fiery jealousy that is sure to make him combust.
"It's a ridiculous name," she exaggerates, sounding like the snob most strangers assumed she was.
"It's so cute," he chuckles, setting down the camera to wrap his arms around Kathryn's waist.
Regina can only really see their waists at this point, but it's still more than enough and she's still smiling from ear to ear.
"It is not," she complains, but then she's giggling and trying to squirm away from her husband who is attempting to lick the batter off her finger. "Stop!"
"No, I will not let you eat the raw batter."
"It's just a smidge. The tiniest little lick, it won't harm her."
"No, I am here to protect you two and I will not allow you to endanger Lennox."
"Oh my god, enough with the name," she groans, trying to shove him away, but he's clinging to her, enjoying that he's pushing all her pregnant hormones. "I can just hear you and Emma now, calling her Lenny for short."
"Yes! I can't wait to tell Emma, I'm calling her right now!"
"Don't you dare!" Kathryn growls, shoving at his chest while he simply laughs in her face.
"Promise you'll think about the name, it's so adorable."
Kathryn squints at her husband, her face more swollen than Regina ever remembers, and then without any warning, she dips her finger into the batter and licks in the most obnoxious way to annoy her husband.
Regina's so lost in the moment, that she doesn't notice the steady stream of tears trickling down her cheeks and soaking her blanket. And that's how she remains, curled up on the couch, silently crying with a smile on her face, watching the endless and mostly pointless little videos that August always insisted on.
She's not entirely sure how long she stays rooted to that couch, but she doesn't move from that position until she hears the loud roar of Emma's motorcycle pulling into the driveway. She pauses the video, with August and Kathryn offering a tour to newborn Lennox on the screen. That's when she realizes how sticky and stiff her face feels. She quickly scrubs away the tear tracks and sniffles as the front door creaks open.
She hears the soft click of the front door locking and then comes Emma, still in her boots and red leather jacket. She peers up at the blonde, already scrutinizing how timid and small Emma appears and for a moment, she is sure her co-parent is about to tell her she's moving out and can't do this anymore.
That is how all of Regina's relationships end up anyways. Nobody has the patience to stick by her. Nobody can handle her. Nobody can stand her controlling ways and obsessive need for perfection, they always grow rather tired of it all and Regina honestly can't blame them. She's tired of it all.
She swallows as the heavy realization washes over her.
"I'm sorry," they both shyly whisper at the exact same time.
"You're sorry?" Emma skeptically investigates, shoving her twitchy hands into her back pockets as she lingers between the foyer and living room, like she's preparing to run again.
"I am. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that-"
"No, I'm sorry, Regina. I'm not really sure how to deal with all of this and I should stop moping. It was my own fault, I shouldn't have brought her to work today. That was stupid and irresponsible and like you said, I need to grow up."
"Can I show you something?" She softly asks, hoping to lure this woman back into the home.
"Uh, sure," Emma stutters, finally crossing the threshold into the living room and perching herself at the edge of the couch. She's stiff and clearly uncomfortable, but Regina's just thankful that she's not commenting on her flushed cheeks still stained with tear tracks. "Is that the day they brought Lennox home?"
"Yes," is all she murmurs as she presses play.
August is behind the camera, yet again, while Kathryn rocks their newborn and introduces her to her new bedroom. Regina doesn't dare glance to her right, because she can already tell Emma is silently crying.
"Surprise!" August ecstatically cheers while Kathryn just glares at him.
"Is it still wet?"
"Wh-I-Don't you like the clouds on the ceiling? I thought it would be really cute."
"August, this room reeks of paint. A newborn can't sleep in here. Didn't you open a window or something to let some of the fumes out? She can't be in here."
"What are you talking about? She's fine. I can hardly smell a thing," he defends.
"I bet it's still wet."
"Come on, I worked really hard on this."
"You? You worked hard on this? When have you ever painted a cloud? When have you ever drawn more than a dirty picture with stick figures," she growls, stomping away as August sets down the camera, forgetting that the camera is still rolling.
"Don't be such a snob. Fine, I didn't paint it with my own hands, but I paid good money for this. Why can't you just appreciate it?" He yells, stepping closer into her face.
"Why would you wait until I am in the hospital to do this? The fumes are way too strong for an infant. You're an infant," she seethes, breezing right passed him.
"Where are you going? We aren't done talking!"
"Emma and Regina are on their way. I need some space from you to cool down before they arrive."
Regina pauses the movie again, cautiously side-eyeing Emma, waiting for her reaction.
"So, what you're trying to say is, we fight like a married couple?" Emma deadpans, wiping away the tears coating her flushed cheeks.
"What I'm trying to say is, they weren't perfect and we both knew that before. Now that they are gone, I think we put them up on this pedestal and we are trying to live up to these unrealistic standards."
Emma produces an audible gulp as she falls recklessly back into the couch. She runs her antsy fingers through her hair and then swipes both hands down her face in an attempt to help her think clearer.
"You're right. I hate this house without them. I feel like they are always watching us, judging us for screwing things up with Lennox."
"Clearly, they were just as messy as we are when it comes to Lennox, but I think, if we just try and focus on what we think Lennox needs and stop worrying about what we think they would have done, I think we will all be a lot happier."
"I think you're on to something," Emma admits, offering a crooked little smile that convinces Regina to do the same. "Can we start over?"
"You're not leaving?" And the words are out of her mouth before she has a chance to swallow them back.
Emma's brows furrow and Regina can feel just how hard she's analyzing her face. "You thought I'd leave?"
"You did leave. You slammed the door and walked out."
"Oh Regina, that's not, no," Emma stammers as her brain tries to formulate the right recipe to explain herself. She pauses, takes a deep breath and stares Regina down. "Maybe we would work better together if we know each other a little better than just surface crap," she states, toeing off her boots while she quickly removes her jacket.
Regina stiffens at first, but then Emma is folding her legs like a pretzel and facing her to express how serious she is. Regina just blinks at her, not really sure what's about to happen.
"I had a hard time in the foster system, I was bounced around a lot. I never had anyone who actually cared for me...I never had love. I don't really know how to deal with my emotions sometimes when they are really intense and my first instinct is to always run away. No matter what. Run. Because that way I can protect myself from feeling too much. I was let down so much, always hoping that someone was going to take me home and love me, and every time I was severely disappointed. That's when I came up with this concept to run. It's easier to run from something then to face it and get hurt all over again. This way, I'm in control, you know? Am I making any sense here? I've never had to explain this to anyone...August, he just knew," she murmurs the last part to herself.
"I understand, I do."
"So, yeah, I might walk away and slam the door on my way out, but I'll be back when I have had time and space to clear my head. I promise. Just, please don't ever think I'm walking out on you and Lennox. I've had too many people give up on me and walk away from me and I would never want Lennox to feel like I did."
"Okay," is all Regina can say because her mind is trying to wrap around how vulnerable and exposed Emma is being in the moment.
There are these warm and tingly feelings swelling in her chest and absorbing every inch of her body and she's seeing this woman in a whole new light. And from this angle, Emma has never been so gorgeous, she's absolutely breathtaking.
"So, can we start over?" Emma sheepishly asks, but Regina is already nodding her agreement.
Emma opens up her arms as a peace offering, and Regina is all too aware that they have only ever hugged once and that was after the accident. However, her body is already swaying closer, motivating Emma to tuck her into her side and hold her close. Something about the embrace feels natural and maybe she's lost her damn mind from sleep deprivation, but she rests her head against Emma's shoulder and allows the other woman to hold her.
"Emma?"
"Yeah," she whispers, her warm breath against the crown of Regina's head, inspiring thrilling chills to run down her spine.
"You may already know this, but I have a short temper, it's nothing personal," she pauses because Emma is chuckling, provoking a deep blush to stain her cheeks from her own insecurities, but luckily the other woman can't see her face.
"I know, Regina," Emma whispers and much to Regina's surprise, the blonde drops a soothing kiss to the crown of her head. "If we are being honest, I kind of enjoy poking your buttons, so for that I guess, well...I'm sorry."
Regina doesn't say anything, her eyes glued to the bottom of Emma's white sweater. There's a pressure in her chest, unlike one she's ever felt before and it's brewing a storm of emotions she's not entirely familiar with. She does have an inkling though, it's all festering inside because of how comfortable and natural it feels to be in Emma's arms. Kathryn explicitly told her, when she set them up on that blind date, that Emma is the nicest person ever. Yes, she's childish, quirky, a constant tease, maddening, absolutely infuriating, but underneath it all, she really has a heart of gold and the kindest, most gentle soul she has ever met.
And she knows right then and there that Emma is someone she can lean on. Emma is someone that can take all her sharp quips and cruel comments and laugh them away. She is the one that can handle Regina and it seems, she might be the one that will actually stick by her.
"My father was a business man," she hears herself saying out loud, much to her own mortification because she never shares this with anyone.
"Oh yeah? I've never really heard you talk about him," Emma casually comments, not having a clue as to where the woman cuddled in her arms is going with her story.
"Yes," she swallows the nerves screaming at her to stop sharing, but her mouth proceeds. "He passed away five years ago now."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I had-"
"It's alright. Truthfully, he was a bastard."
"Oh," and maybe Emma doesn't realize, maybe she does, but she definitely holds Regina a little closer.
"Like I said, he was a business man. Successful hotel owner. Buying, trading, dealing, it was his game. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps, take over the family business. I wanted to bake, you can assume how much that grated on his nerves. It was a foolish, childish dream that I was sure to grow out of-"
"But you didn't."
"I didn't."
"So, what? He held a grudge against you for having your own dreams and following your own ambitions?" Emma incredulously inquires, scoffing in disbelief as Regina nods slowly against her shoulder.
"He was always on my back, hounding me to take over the business and make something of myself," she sniffles.
"You did make something of yourself."
"I did. And without any of his help, I was determined to do it all myself. Not one penny from him."
"Even though I'm sure he was sour, judging by how you are explaining him, I bet he was still proud of you."
"He passed away right before I opened my business. A heart attack, probably because he spent every waking moment working."
"I'm still sorry, even if you thought he was a jerk, I'm sure it still hurts."
"It did, but that's not why I'm telling you this story," she confesses, slowly rising off Emma's shoulder to meet her curious green eyes. "I'm telling you this, so maybe you can understand me a little better. He was very strict with me and those rules and that control has been embedded into my head. And as much as I want to let them go, I'm still programmed this way. I'm working on letting some of my control go, I swear, so please, be patient with me," she shyly pleads while Emma's grin becomes slightly manic.
"I guess we both have some things that we need to work on and I guess we both need to offer a little more patience, huh?" She sheepishly suggests, her face scrunching up in the most adorable way that forces Regina's heart to thump a little harder tonight.
"We will get there," Regina whispers, observing as those stunning green eyes fall to her lips.
"For Lennox," Emma instinctively mumbles because her eyes are studying the little scar gracing Regina's upper lip with great curiosity.
"For Lennox," she repeats, lost in the most beautiful sea of green that are decorated with little specs of honey.
Has Emma always had that warm golden color in her eyes before?
The tangible tension is pounding between them and it would be so easy for Regina to drift forward and capture that natural down-curl that is always tormenting Emma's mouth. But kissing Emma is reckless and irresponsible and they have both agreed to start fresh and she truly believes that this time, they are going to actually get along and work well together, after opening up and sharing deep parts of their broken pasts.
She tells herself that she's only feeling this alluring lust because they both divulged such deep moments of their lives. They both just shared exactly what created them to be the women they are today, so she's feeling connected to Emma. She cannot possibly take advantage of such a vulnerable moment, so she slowly pivots and falls back into the comfort of Emma's arms.
Without a word spoken, she presses play on the video and they snuggle up on the couch, remembering Kathryn and August until they both pass out.