(1.6: 𝔇𝔦𝔢 𝔖𝔠𝔥𝔩𝔞𝔫𝔤𝔢)
July 26th 2014
T minus 503 days
Do you guys like the dictionary of obscure sorrows?
Well, I do. I did. I wonder how long it will take until something like the vast fount of knowledge that was the internet will finally exist again. Are there still salvageable servers and cables buried somewhere in the dirt, or are people going to look back at its heyday like something from before the fall of Rome, or even the bronze age collapse?
It may be that this was only because my young, yet impressionable mind encountered it just as the emergent quality of deep reflection first awakened but the first time I came across it, my mind was blown. Poof. Like that emoji with the top of its head exploding off. I stayed up late for two days to not just read it all, but be impressed by it, sit there thinking about it, spontaneously listen to music that reminded me, and to discuss it with one person in particular. A special friend that wouldn't mind, no, even rejoiced in being called in the middle of the night to talk about something like that, appearing to love it even more than me.
I'm speaking of course of one of my very favorite people in the world: Kaworu Nagisa. I believe I'd mentioned him before. If I had to describe my relationship with him succinctly, there is one particular entry that comes to mind:
lilo n. a friendship that can lie dormant for years only to pick right back up instantly, as if no time had passed since you last saw each other.
I first met him at the lab, much like Asuka and Mari. He was just there one day – a little boy all by himself, wrapped in many bandages. I suspected even then that he might have been some sort of patient or research volunteer. It seemed just right to me that I should try to talk to him and befriend him... he says that meant a lot to him, but it's really nothing special, just what anyone would have done. I was a child and wanted to play. But ever since then, we have intermittently kept in touch. Sometimes I wouldn't hear from him for months but there has never been a time when hearing from him didn't make even the bleakest days into something worthwhile and exciting.
If Asuka is the sort of friend that you couldn't see yourself making today but kind of ended up stuck with in spite of all the changes in your life, perhaps offering you a window into a completely different way of living, Kaworu is rather the sort of friend you might meet at your hobby or on the internet – the sort where you immediately hit it off because you have so many things in common. You might describe the both of us as artistic, contemplative types.
But it's not quite right to say that we're merely 'similar'...
Let's put it this way: If I were destined to become an ordinary salaryman who also plays music, Kaworu would be the sort of professional musician who has an intellectual interest in the lives of average ordinary people.
If I could chose to be like any other person – and limited to something attainable, not a millionaire, a celebrity or a genius – I think I would choose Kaworu. It seems to me that we kind of value the same things, but at the same time he is so much… better… or purer… at really living it. To be honest, I think I have a bit of an inferiority complex towards him.
He is smart, athletic, kind, likeable, thoughtful, and so good-looking that it kind of makes me wonder if I'm a little bit into dudes to be honest. It's like he's impossible to dislike… at least to me. He's always so smooth and considerate, and he always knows just the right thing to say to put people at ease. It's like there's nothing he cannot do. Of course if I told him this he would say that I'm exaggerating, that he just had a little bit more opportunities to learn things and that he thought I was worthy of great sympathy as well, but that's exactly why I couldn't ever measure up to him.
He is the sort of person that can truly follow his ideals consummately, like a flower on the precipice, while ordinary commoners such as myself stop at the edge, held back by our selfish drives and instincts…
I just admire him a lot, okay?
I'm telling you all this so you understand why I was overjoyed when I got a text from him in the last days of our summer vacation, why I answered without a second thought and sped right out of my usual inertia to grab my clothes and get ready.
I had the apartment to myself I think; If Rei was there, she was being really, really quiet; She probably wasn't though. My parents' workload had flared back up with a vengeance not soon after we had returned from our nature retreat. If Asuka was here, she would probably make me join her in some sort of hijinks, but she wasn't due to return until two days right before the start of our fall term, and I'd expect that she'd spend the day after that sleeping off her jet lag.
Last I'd heard of him, Kaworu was actually supposed to be in Germany as well. He lived with a business associate of my parents', one Lorenz Keel: An older man who could have been Kaworu's grandfather or his uncle, but was always referred to as his 'guardian'. As the chairman of the committee that was in charge of deciding whether or not my parents would get their research grants, it was perhaps natural that their relationship with Mr. Keel was a somewhat adversarial one, but thankfully, such strife had not continued into our generation.
As one of the few children at and around the lab that wouldn't see me as 'the bosses' kid', he had absolutely no reservations about me – no, I doubt that he would have had them even if he were the janitor's secret lovechild or something. He just had this very open, warm, expressive manner, absolutely no hangups about showing his feelings – he is openly enthusiastic about his interests and openly stands by the people he likes. I suppose that's not so uncommon among artistic types, in the drama club they all greet each other with hugs…
I often wished I could be like that as well, but I couldn't. I'd be much too afraid of being judged or laughed down.
I really love being with him, but there are times when everything about him makes me envious. And yet despite that envy, there's no way that I could be mad at someone so impressive, or not want to be around him. Even my pettiness isn't enough to resist. So I don't really get the angry sort of jealous like Asuka might. I just get kind of sad. And then I'll end up feeling bad about feeling jealous, and feel bad about feeling bad…
I told him once. I didn't mean to, in fact he would have been the last person in the world that I'd want to find out about this, but he noticed right away that something was off and patiently eased me into revealing my feelings – when he heard, he wasn't bad, he didn't get offended or defensive or even disappointing… he simply looked at me in his pensive, melancholy manner and said: "If it's that tough for you to be around me, I can stay away from you if you like."
That's when I swung my little kiddie arms around him as tightly as I could and started sobbing. "Noo, Kaworu-kun! Don't go! I want to stay friends with you forever!"
So that is my relationship with Kaworu Nagisa.
I could talk to him for hours and hours and never get bored of it, but sometimes we'd also just dream the day away playing our respective instruments, watching the stars, going to the bathhouse or going for walks at the riverside.
This time, he'd said to meet me at a music shop in town – we'd gone there before on the previous occasions that he'd visited Tokyo-3, to get classical CDs or collect flyers for the latest concerts and other cultural events and maybe risk a sheepish glance at the fancy expensive instruments that they sell there.
I spotted him as soon as I arrived. He was dressed in a stylish white-and-blue sailor suit. He was thirteen just like me, but his birthday was just a few weeks from now – he was almost nine months my senior and showed all signs of blossoming into the platonic ideal of a slender, elegant young man. Next to him, I was still just a little boy.
Now, I've heard that in the middle parts of the USA, there are tiny villages that might have only few hundred people. I once read a story on the internet about how some local country bumpkin would keep going to a particular restaurant simply because there was a pretty waitress there, because in all that town there were only very few people as pretty as her.
I, however, had grown up on the most densely populated continent on this planet, in one of the single largest cities on god's green earth. I had seen my share of pretty people. I saw Misato-sensei in class almost every morning, who I am sure would have been more than a match for that American country waitress. Heck, I was friends with Asuka, who was so good-looking that she could easily have earned a living off her looks alone – she could easily be a model or an actress, no problem. Every time Ms. Soryu took her to the photographer, she'd be swarmed with offers to have her exorbitantly daughter star in ads for toys or children's clothes. Who knows how popular she's going to be once she is all grown up.
I say all this because I need you to understand that Kaworu is on a whole other level. He's far beyond popular actors or k-pop idols: He's like an angel or an elf, nay, a demigod! He's so darn pretty that it almost hurts to look at him.
And it's not just some treacherous veneer either: Everything about him is exactly as impressive as he looks. Of course, any time I so much as suggested that, the answers had been something like: "I have many limitations; I know that very well. It is only that I've had a little more time than you, a little more opportunities to acquire knowledge and experience."
Yeah, you got that right: He is humble, too! It's just not fair.
Don't get me wrong: I'm deeply grateful to whatever random alignment of the stars led me to run into such an amazing person and get to have him as my friend. But I'm not sure I feel worthy of that, if that makes sense…
"Hello, Kaworu-kun." I was, as always, slightly dazzled and struck anew with the awareness of my utter mediocrity, when I first saw him after a long time. If I saw him regularly, I'd usually get used to his… dazzlingness. At least a lil bit.
He greeted me warmly, pulling me into a warm hug right away.
"It's so good to see you, Shinji-kun! I just love spending time with you!"
I wish I could be so open with my affection. Sure, it's not like no one had ever said that to me before (my parents, for example), but I wouldn't be comfortable showing my feelings so openly.
If I said something like this to Asuka or Touji, I'm sure it'd just be awkward. He'd think it's unmanly or something, and she would laugh at me and tease me about secretly having the hots for her or something. Most of the people in my circle tended to express themselves through 'acts of service' as their primary love language, but once in a while, it was really nice to get some 'words of affirmation', too.
Honestly, being praised right out of the gate made me blush a bit. I like recognition as much as the next guy but then when I get it, especially in public, I end up feeling embarrassed. It's bound to rub someone the right way – besides, I don't always know what to do with the attention. Maybe that's a little contradictory, absurd even…
"If you ask me, it's rather fascinating. Human beings are subject to so many competing drives and desires…"
You're probably expecting me to say something like 'I wouldn't fully realize what he meant until much later', but you know what? That's not the case at all. Despite his somewhat unique context and perspective, I don't think he meant anything fundamentally different from what a typical thoughtful young man would mean by such movies. Our absurdity as a species is much the same whether it is noticed by ourselves or pointed out by others.
Many people frown at stories where aliens or robots end up finding humanity interesting, as if there was anything truly all that special about wretched creatures like ourselves. Now I'm the last person who should be denying our wretchedness, but the one example of civilization-building intelligence that we know of, the one data point we have, happens to be us, and we are endlessly fascinated by the idea of androids, aliens or fey magical creatures, as if our species as a whole were feeling the constraints of its loneliness on this fragile blue peel of biosphere. There are also those who spend endless hours trying to understand the ways of other animals studying whales, dolphins, bees, crows and octopi, and teaching rudimentary language to apes and dogs, keeping pets or potted plants… There are of course also those of us who don't give a rat's ass about plants or animals and destroy them thoughtlessly for fleeting imaginary things like profit or status, even beings with some traces of self-awareness like Elephants and Dolphins. Even those trying to understand, preserve them or cooperate with them often do them great harm.
In that regard, we should not have expected other intelligence to be any less diverse than people.
"By the way, did my little present find its way to you?"
"Yeah, thanks a lot. I ended up going with my mom."
She was only one I knew besides Kaworu who was also into this sort of classical stuff, but of course he knew this already. There's very little that he had not somehow managed to extract from me over the years – like I said, we loved to talk and talk for hours when we got the chance.
"Glad to hear that she could make the time. I was meaning to give you your actual present when I got here, but I wanted you to have a little something that would still reach you on your birthday proper."
"My actual present?"
He turned over what I had thus far believed to be one of the exhibits in the music shop, something I could only dream of owning: A beautiful, glossy instrument, probably one of those fancy, prohibitively expensive hand-crafted Cellos.
Once again I was stunned beyond words.
"I didn't want to try my luck with the delivery service," said Kaworu, as if that was in any way an explanation. I must have gaped like I fish. In fact, I did, the fine wood of the high-end instrument was so glossy I could see my reflection in it.
It was the sort of thing an acclaimed professional would own, and I knew right away that it would be dreadfully wasted on an amateur kid like me.
"I- I can't accept something like this...-"
"Don't worry. Mr. Keel is rather wealthy, so my allowance is somewhat generous."
"That's not what I mean- ! There's more to this than just money."
"And it's precisely because you'd appreciate that that I want you to have it. I really want to see what you do with it."
Words. Not. Working. For. Mouth. What does one say to this?
"So, uh, what brings you to Japan?" apparently. That was honestly the best I could manage after some futile rounds of opening and closing my mouth. Of course Kaworu had just stood by with his usual relaxed smile, patient as the buddha himself.
"Oh, that's another part of the reason why I wanted to speak to you. I have good news. You and I will actually be attending the same school starting next month."
That should have been good news… possibly the one thing that could improve on landing in the same class as Touji, Kensuke and Asuka, and all the new people I had met through it.
Except that even I wasn't so foolish that I couldn't put these dots together, no matter how much I would have preferred to remain oblivious to such insight. There was a clear, obvious pattern of people I had known from the lab suddenly showing up in Neo-Tokyo, what more, at this particular school, and what their final purpose here turned out to be.
Somehow I still thought nothing of my own presence back then. It always seemed obvious that I was simply there because of my parents.
Still the obvious conclusion regarding Kaworu could not escape me, and so I struggled to meet his eyes. Asuka did mention that they had scouted out another candidate, and that this candidate was a boy.
"...Is something the matter, Shinji-kun?"
The doubt must have been quite plain on my face, wired into my body. I hoped that he would trust me with the truth.
"Kaworu-kun…. Say… could it be that you're coming to this town… because you're going to work at my parents' laboratory?"
Kaworu just kept smiling. I think sometimes, in his own way, he could be every bit as unreadable as Rei sometimes. "What makes you think that?"
"That's because… Asuka and Rei both came to my school recently, and then it turned out that they were working at the lab."
I was expecting him to confirm it or deny it maybe, but instead he did something that surprised me. His easygoing smile dissolved in a stumped blink. "Rei? Would that be Ayanami Rei?"
"Uh, Yes. I'm not sure if she's the same Rei that we used to play with when we were kids though. She seems pretty different…"
He scrunched up his pretty face in severe thought. "But she is Ayanami Rei?"
I couldn't put my finger on what he might have meant. "That's her name, at least."
He looked at me, still more serious than I would have expected. "So I will meet her? At the school?"
"You can meet her right now, if you want – that is, if she's home. She's staying at our place right now."
But she wasn't home. You'd think she would have had plenty of time to return, given that Kaworu and I had to haul his rather expensive gift with all its due diligence. I wondered if she or my parents would be coming home at all tonight.
I made an offer of tea and snacks to Kaworu, but he had placed to be an excused himself with great regret. That just made me feel bad; I really wish I could at least have given him something after he not only spent a fortune on a gift for me but also helped me get it to my room. Even 'help' is kind of a euphemism here, it's more like he did nearly all of the carrying. As if Kaworu wasn't already impressive enough, he's a great deal stronger than his lithe frame would suggest.
I didn't end up seeing Rei or my parents for several days. I was beginning to wonder what I should do when the money they left me for shopping ran out – should I phone them at work?
To their credit, they returned before I seriously had to concern myself with that decision. But that was in the evening, and they were all very obviously tired.
My mom still had the grace to carry a conversation and ask me about my better-part-of-the-week, but father could be heard lightly snoring from the direction of the couch where he had clearly not meant to stay for more than a moment. Rei was sitting at the dinner table with heavy, hooded eyes, showing even less interest in her dinner than usual. It was plain that she couldn't have mustered the energy for any social interaction whatsoever. As a fellow introvert, I sympathize. Which is why it was only the next morning that I asked her:
"Hey Rei, do you know Kaworu-kun? Nagisa Kaworu?"
There wasn't much in the way of an answer. She just looked at me from where she was chilling on the sofa. "Is he a classmate?"
"Nah, he's a friend of mine, someone I know from the lab, like Asuka…" I wondered if that explanation was even likely to ring any bells. Then something occurred to me: "He's actually on that picture I showed you." I reached for a drawer in a nearby dresser. We had made a copy of the picture just as Ms. Soryu suggested, and mom showed it to me when she brought it home and put it away. I gave the picture to Rei.
Last time she viewed it, she must've breezed over Kaworu with the same brief cursory glance which she afforded most of our classmates, or really all people that she didn't have some clear involvement with. Now, it was very clear who I meant, given that the only other boy in that picture was obviously me. Her glance halted sharply when it found him. It was not a look of simple recognition, rather some degree of alarm.
It makes sense that she would take note of his uncommonly light hair and complexion, but what she got fixated on were his eyes – future artists will be tempted to say 'crimson like her own', but in my duty as an eyewitness I have to insist that his were actually more like wine red.
"Nagisa… Kaworu…" she repeated, thoughtfully. Her eyes were narrowed in suspicion. Her words had been weighted, deliberate. "What is he like?"
"He's sort of… the sort of person you can't help but like. Someone really admirable. A great friend, too. I think he really understands me. ...though I guess we just click well together 'cause we like similar things." I added that last bit when her expression didn't begin changing. I didn't want to sound too much like I was going out of my way to shill him, or judging her for not sharing my enthusiasm. I guess I wasn't exactly a great friend… Kaworu never flinched when he talked of how much he liked me, even if I wasn't 'popular kid material' like him. In front of Touji I agree with Touji, and in front of Asuka, with her. I can't do such a thing with Rei; There's not enough to play off of, so I end up very conscious of my every word, I get all awkward and then I fiddle around with what I said and only make it worse… "He also reminds me a bit of you, in a way."
I had her attention now. Her eyes were turned towards me. "How so?"
"I dunno, just… something about your general vibe, I think?"
The impression was an easy one to 'get' or 'see', but harder to explain or define. It was definitely more than just some physical resemblance. I thought my response was prohibitively vague, but she did seem to find something about it that was helpful… or at least indicative.
"I see."
The gift, too, needed to be explained in time. My mother kept her poker-face of course: "Oh, how very thoughtful of him." Though I cannot help but speculate that her own wealthy upbringing might have helped her keep her composure. She just kept loading the dishwasher with a smile as if a polished, handcrafted instrument was something you saw everyday in the hands of random teens.
Father, once he emerged from their room with a stack of used plates, was not so smooth, though his concerns were far from financial matters: "So he's arrived already? And he made contact with you of his own accord?" Again that strange, guarded suspicious, same as Rei.
"...was he not supposed to?"
"Nevermind. It probably doesn't matter."
I don't think he slipped up – he just didn't feel the need to really bother with the secrecy. After all, I was just a schoolboy. I figured that much even then. "We really ought to get him something in return." mused mother as she reached for the dish soap tabs.
Next to me on the couch, Rei had picked the book back up which she's been reading until I talked at her, and was now turning the page.
September 1st 2014
T minus 498 days
Ah yes. September of 2014. This was going to be one heck of an eventful month. I would not come out of the other end with the same understanding of myself, my loved ones or the world around me.
I, however, had no clue about this. I thought the greatest changes I would be adjusting to would be the breaking out of the winter uniforms and my new status as a freshly-minted Young Man(TM) – now the more seasoned among you might be asking, 'Hey, wait? What's so impressive about being a teenager anyways?' - and the answer is, nothing, nothing at all. I can say that with confidence now. However, when your only point of comparison is being a child, that is much less apparent.
So there I was, a certified Big Boy with a shiny new Big Boy bike to go with it.
It was just enough to embolden me with a feeble rush of undeserved confidence. I had laid out my uniform the day before, retrieving it from the just barely-opened package it and several others like it had occupied at the bottom of my clothing shelf ever since I'd first received it. The pants for the winter uniform looked much the same as the summer ones, for all that the fabric was slightly sturdier and heavier, but the greater difference was in the long-sleeved shirt and the black, high-collared jacket that was supposed to go with it. I'd been told a few times that I looked good in black – it was certainly easy to button it up in front of the mirror and imagine myself standing tall like my father in his dark uniform jacket.
I'd made sure to prepare my school things ahead of time, just as I had made sure to set my alarm clock especially early, with another purpose in mind beyond just making it to school on time. The idea had come to me a while before,
As I combed my hair, I implored my reflection not to chicken out – but of course, the outcome of that would not be up to that image in the mirror, but to only me.
In that instant it appeared so very tempting to just keep standing right here until all other sounds in the house had ceased. But I was able to recognize it, and I think that's how I managed to choose otherwise.
Somehow, I actually managed to be at the bike rack next to our apartment's parking lot at about the same time that Rei came outside, her hair still damp from her shower. I hoped she wasn't gonna keep doing this well into the winter; It was starting to get cooler outside. At least she had put on her winter uniform. Besides a longer skirt and longer sleeved to the sailor-style shirt, it also involved a light blue woolen jacket to keep the students warm.
"Hey Rei, wanna to ride with me?"
I'd been worried about forgetting to remove the carrier basket from the rear rack, about messing up the timing or the unimaginable indignity of not being strong enough to pedal onwards while dealing with her additional weight.
I'd pictured many times in my mind how she might refuse me. The usual 'There is no need', maybe, or just a flat 'Why?' that would make me lose all courage. There was absolutely no point to this if I would be the only one who enjoyed it.
Even so, I was woefully unprepared for the most unlikely scenario of them all: That she might say yes. Well, actually, she didn't really say anything. She looked somewhat surprised, I believe she was at least considering the 'why', but our previous time together must have been just enough for her to be able to conceive of a reason, and be so inclined as to nod ever so slightly.
I had to problem propelling the Bike forward with her sitting sideways on the rack – she was very light and petite, like she was barely there, which might as well have described her entire presence in this world. But she was definitely there, her weight leaning against me just a little bit. I had not imagined her. Her slender fingers were, without doubt, holding onto my jacket.
I tried to remind myself that I oughtn't read too much into it. After all, I'm the one who said that we would be getting to school faster this way.
I didn't know what to say, but the best part was, I don't think there was a need for it.
I had no more thought of plans failing or succeeding or any more juvenile things like that.
I just felt the prickling tingling warmth under my skin and the wind passing us by, and I remember thinking, ah yes, this could be something I end up long remembering, something I won't want to forget. I can't say how it was for her, but the heightened feeling made me find myself more present in the world, more rooted in this immediate moment. Though this was my usual way to school, I think I noticed much more details that I didn't usually pay attention to, like I was really 'here' and 'now' in a way that I usually wasn't when I usually trudged across this path, too zoned out to even register much of the music coming from my headphones.
I hoped she was 'here' with me, that the moments were stretching for her even as they did for me instead of being breezed through, endured and forgotten.
Life is a brief, scarce thing that ought to be precious to us, but in practice, you'll be uncomfortable or tired or waiting for some prerequisite to be met and then in the end so much of it just passes you by when one look at the cosmos should teach you that you ought to be hurrying. I didn't really have a goal to hurry towards. I didn't know why I was here. Maybe there is no reason for every single person and I'm just here because I'm here, but if that's what it was, and my being here was it's own reason, wasn't that an even stronger reason to actually live it, spend that time? It would mean that time given to stff like video games or hobbies that don't really go anywhere wouldn't be wasted, but instead the point, but I can't say that most of the time I 'waste' is really spent doing things I love…
I just know that these glimmers of meaningfulness do exist, now and then, when I'm doing something creative, for example, or something that helps, or spending time with special people. In that case, even the most trivial things don't feel wasted, even if that's probably just some pack instinct passed down from monkeys.
Even though Rei was right there with me, I couldn't really know what she's thinking…
We should have been early – actually, we were. I absolutely wanted to avoid a scenario where I would get the two of us reprimanded because I had underestimated the time it would take to cover the route by bike. Even so, we were being awaited: Sitting on the stone fence by the bicycle rack, with all the lightness in the world, was Kaworu. He acknowledged me with a smile, but his attention quickly moved elsewhere, as did his the purposeful glance of his ruby eyes.
"Ayanami Rei, the first qualified candidate."
She was ostensibly as surprised to be spoken to as I would have been in her place… no, it was more than just his words that surprised her.
Whatever Kaworu was meaning to say, he did not mince words or beat around the bush, almost forward in his boldness, not bothering to dress his thoughts, feelings or intuition into acceptable veneers. "You're the same as me."
Rei narrowed her eyes in uncharacteristic suspicion.
"Who are you?"
"I am Kaworu. Nagisa Kaworu. Another of those children whose fates have been predetermined."
I was used to Kaworu going off about really out-there, esoteric philosophic stuff. Predetermination and free will was a topic that he often spent time thinking about. But this time, I didn't have the slightest idea what he might be talking about. His words were meant for Rei alone, like I might as well not be here, or rather, like when a game gives some instruction to the player character while the NPCs stand by as if frozen in time.
"You may not know it, but we have met before, a long, long time ago."
I thought at first that he might have meant our childhood encounters at the lab, but he continued straight away. I'm not sure I recall his words correctly, since I didn't really understand the sense behind them at the time, but based on what I know now, I bet the next thing he said was something more like this:
"We have both taken the form of the Lillim so that we could live in this world, experience it..."
More surprising than his words, however, was the way that Ayanami seemed to grasp exactly what he meant with no further explanation necessary.
She understood it, and whatever he meant, she grasped it enough to think she knew better:
"No. We are not the same. We may be similar, but we are not the same."
Ever the intellectual, Kaworu found it stimulating to be met with an opposite viewpoint. His amusement was plain on his face: "Huh? What makes you think so?"
"The people we've met. The lives we've lived. The choices we've made. The bonds and experiences that have shaped us. Those are all different." She spoke quietly, but with conviction. "Those are all what created us as the people we are now. Therefore, we are not the same. Therefore, we cannot possibly have met before. Not you and I, not as we are now."
He seemed intrigued. "Hm. I suppose you could see it that way. I will have to think about this. "
Deeming the conversation finished, he leapt down from the fence, fearless as he did so, unfailingly elegant in descent, landing on his feet like a cat.
He held out his hand to greet us one after another.
"Good morning to you, too, Shinji-kun."
If only one of them was here I might have asked what they'd meant by that conversation, but with both here, I felt awkward, maybe like I'd be intruding.
When Rei grasped his hand, something appeared to surprise her.
But Kaworu was expecting this; He just smiled and nodded. "Yes. The matter that composes us is also the same."
That's when he must have noticed my somewhat lost expression, five seconds from just discreetly falling out of step with them and keeping at the back so they could keep discussing whatever it was they were talking about.
"Oh, sorry. Were you feeling left out? I apologize, I must have gotten carried away. It's just that I've been wanting for the chance to discuss this a long time. Ayanami here is probably the only person in the world that would know what I mean."
"Not Asuka?"
"Well, to a lesser extent maybe."
"So it does have to do with the lab…"
"Yes." said Rei, nothing more and nothing less. "But you needn't concern yourself with that."
She sounded pessimistic, somehow, but it was hard to really tell what she was truly thinking. It didn't look like she shared much of Kaworu's excitement. And this might be hindsight, or bias, or projection, but I suspect now that thought he had no ill intention, in his excitement to be understood he had brought things to her attention that she would rather choose to tune out.
Still, her gaze was definitely lowered as she trudged along with us further into the schoolyard.
I felt strange. Maybe it was beginning to dawn on me how little I really knew about my friends from the lab and the burdens they might be facing. I was just about to learn a great deal more about it.
"Anyway…" I said, trying to diffuse the strange mood, "I'm so glad that we will all get to live so close together… I finally get a chance to introduce you to Touji and Kensuke, too. You know, we were meaning to hit the town this afternoon, so, maybe you could come with us?"
"That won't be possible."
Kaworu, too, shook his head. "I'm afraid I have other commitments. But I would love to meet with your friends some other time."
September 2nd 2014
T minus 497 days
The next day, Asuka was strange. She was late, and she's never late. She's the last person who'd be overly hung up on rules, but though she doesn't really like people, she cares a lot about her image.
Hikari was hugely concerned and asked me about it right away, but I didn't know it. I hoped she would know something since she was the class representative, but apparently there had been no call from her mother to announce that she was sick or anything. Marie didn't know anything either, but that was predictable, I don't think Asuka would have told her anything that she wouldn't tell us. I can't say that Marie wasn't under any illusions to the contrary however: "How could she have told, when she didn't even tell my illustrious self~"
It was only during the break between first and second period when she finally showed up, slamming her bag down on her desk.
If anyone else had done this, Hikari would have scolded them. You could tell she was concerned for her friend: "Asuka-san!"
I followed after her, standing up from my place.
"What happened? It's not like you to be late..."
She must have realized then that everyone was looking at her; There was Hikari, of course, but even Rei was glancing her way with some semblance of concern all the way from her usual place at the window. Even Kaworu looked serious.
"Well, maybe I just didn't want to see your stupid faces!"
And with that, she took off again.
After that, I didn't see her the whole day.
She remained absent.
None of us heard from her – neither me, nor Hikari, and certainly not Marie.
I texted her pretty soon after the incident, as soon as I could contrive to get at my phone under Misato-sensei's watchful glance, but she didn't answer back.
She must have definitely seen my text almost as soon as I sent it, though – at least, the two little ticks had gone blue….
I debated stopping by the Soryus' place to check up on her, but Ms. Soryu would probably feel obliged to entertain me with tea and so forth, and then Asuka would be expected to spend time with me whether she wanted or not. I was worried that I would just be imposing on her when she wanted to be alone.
But when I talked the matter over with Hikari, she disagreed: "Asuka-san is very proud, so she wouldn't say this, but if she was feeling down and no one came to check on her, she would feel even worse!"
I wonder if she tells this kind of thing to Hikari because she is a fellow girl. Or maybe it's just that Hikari is more perceptive than me. Or more conventional liable to assume the default accepted in our extrovert-dominated world. I couldn't deny that knowing that others cared about me would cheer me up and in any case, the matter was decided as soon as Hikari began to insist upon it. If she got mad at me I would be ashamed of myself.
But Hikari was right: For all we know, she might just be sick, and miserable, and then she would certainly be glad to have some friends stopping by your door.
So it was decided that she, Marie and I would be heading to the Soryu's place right after school, with a possible in-between stop in the city to collect gifts and possibly get-well cards. That was Marie's idea: If Asuka couldn't see us because she had something contagious, we might as well leave her some tokens of our friendship. I wasn't surprised to learn that she'd be the type to express her sympathy through material gifts. Despite their rivalry, she seemed more genuine about this than I had expected.
The one downside to this was that I had been hoping to do something with Kaworu this afternoon, now that he was finally free. "I'm really sorry, but Hikari wants to go check up on Asuka since she was absent today. She seems to have been having a hard time lately. I was hoping that going to visit her dad over the break would cheer her up, but, looks like it didn't…"
Kaworu was perfectly understanding of course, and regarded me with usual wide, relaxed smile. "You have friends who are important to you. That's a very good thing. Besides, it seems only fair, I'm afraid that this is partially my fault…" His look turned severe then.
"Did something happen? At the lab? Yesterday?"
In hindsight I should have figured that they had 'work' since he and Rei had been busy at the same time. Rei is rarely busy with anything that isn't lab stuff. I couldn't remember if she came home late – I wouldn't have known, since I was out with Kensuke and Touji.
Kaworu regarded me gravely.
"It's not that 'something happened'. I just believe that she was a little disappointed."
"But she didn't look sick or anything, when you saw her yesterday?"
"Not so far as I could tell, no"
I could then reassure Hikari and Marie with the knowledge that Asuka had apparently been just fine at her part-time job, but when I brought this up, I realized quickly that I knew more than they did. Apparently all they had been told about her 'part-time job' was that she had one. Asuka; must have thought it right to tell me because my parents worked at the lab, or simply because she had known me so much longer. I felt bad about keeping secrets from the girls, especially Hikari when she was so concerned, but I couldn't just go and tell them things that Asuka herself had not chosen to divulge.
Laden with some post cards, a gift basket of fruit and some herbal teas that had supposedly always done wonders for Hikari and her sisters when they were sick, we turned up at the Soryus' Doorstep. Hikari could probably have found it by looking at the class book and putting the adress into google maps, but they were glad that I actually knew where it was.
Even I had not been there too often, most of the time Asuka met her friends in town, or went to their places, though it still surprised me that Hikari and Marie hadn't seen it. Her mother was often busy so it was probably more practical to entertain her in the city or commit her to the supervision of the other kids' parents; She rarely had the time to receive guests.
The building itself was stylish and modern in a sleek, elegant sort of way. The apartment itself was not large but definitely upscale, very different from the large, old-fashioned mansions that the Langleys kept back in Europe. I had seen pictures of it.
Most of the time, Ms. Soryu had lived her on her own. She always kept a little guest room for Asuka, much like she always kept a place for her in her heart, but it had always been exactly that… a guest room. She'd often lamented that she couldn't bring all of her stuff with her, including her very large wardrobe. Perhaps to make up for the miles that were often between them, Ms. Soryu had always spoiled her daughter with gifts. I wonder if she was worried about Mrs. Langley one-upping her or something.
I also wondered if this had changed now that Asuka had moved her permanently. Has she been able to fit all of her things into that room?
Perhaps we were about to find out.
Ever immune to any and all embarrassment, Marie took the lead and pressed the doorbell.
The one who answered was Ms. Soryu. That was encouraging – at least Asuka hadn't had to deal with this alone, whatever it was. Her mother might not always have been the best parent, but she clearly did care.
The only face she knew was fine, but her eyes lit up with recognition when the girls introduced themselves. "Ah, Horaki-san and Marie! My daughter told me all about you, come on in!"
We were offered tea and cookies. There wasn't really a living room, just a table between the kitchenette and the TV. The huge TV was a must, because the daughter of the house had evidently brought her gaming consoles. She even had a fluffy rug for her to sit on – but Asuka herself was nowhere to be seen.
We were probably being humored out of common courtesy. There was no risk of awkward silence, not with Marie's tactlessness ensuring very animated awkwardness for everyone but herself. "I've heard that some students at our school are doing part time work at the laboratory in the city. Is that really true? 'cause that would really interest me~ I assume you that I have excellent grades in natural sciences, and I've done some extracurricular programs way above my grade level. Even just a basic internship would be-"
I was beginning to suspect her ulterior motive for coming here. If I had to suppress a cringe, I can't imagine that Hikari fared any better, for all that she must have inwardly reminded herself that Marie only meant well, but in the end, there was no reason to worry much, because Marie and Ms. Soryu turned out to be on a very similar wavelength.
But after what she deemed a proper amount of small-talk, Hikari dutifully took it upon herself to inquire after the actual reason for our visit: "Asuka left early today, so we wanted to check if she's ok."
"Oh, don't you worry, she's just been a little… occupied with some important matters right now, so she's tired from that. Besides she's feeling a little unwell today, nothing bad, just a matter of normal bodily functions."
"Why don't you tell the whole neighborhood while you're at it?"
The door to one of the rooms had just flown open.
There was, maybe, another reason why Asuka didn't invite people into her room often. It was very pink, filled to the brim with clothes and various toys, lots of those children's makeup sets in colorful plastic and make-your-own-bracelet stations. Rulers and motion-image cards. Assorted aircare thingamajigs and glossy fashion magazines. A large, luxurious bed, and on it, a bunch of dolls and plushies. Highlights included the hand-sewn doll her mother once made for her, the monkey plushie from Mrs. Langley, and a hand puppet, a pretty artisanal piece with a bit of a 'little red riding hood' theme to it. I didn't know that yet, but that one had actually been gifted to her when she first started working at the lab, by none other than Misato. The Brothers Grimm look was maybe supposed to help her keep a piece of home with her now that she had set off to fulfill a difficult mission in a foreign country.
But if you were ignorant of that detail – as I was then – it was basically just a normal preteen's room like any other. Leave it to Asuka to be embarrassed of that, though she clearly hadn't wanted to give it up either, so, it had been something of a secret… until now.
Dismayed, she stood in the doorway in a long skirt and a comfy sweater.
I realized abruptly that Asuka must have been listening in on the whole conversation.
"But I haven't told them anything, dear~"
"Oh come on Mama, when you say it like that it's obvious what you mean!"
It wasn't to me, not at the time.
But Hikari was looking slightly mortified. And Marie… Marie wasn't helping at all, though she might have thought that she was. "Oh, but there's nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to all of us eventually."
Ah, it does?
"Get out, all of you! I don't remember inviting any of you!"
"Ah come on, Asuka-chan, don't be like that~ Your friends came all this way just to show you how much they care. You can't tell me you're not happy to know that~"
Before Ms. Soryu or Marie had the chance to make anything worse, Hikari took this chance to stand up and excuse herself with a deep bow. "Don't worry, we were just leaving. We just wanted to know if you're ok, and now we know. We brought you some presents."
"It's a pity you didn't tell us what was going on, we could have brought you a hot water bottle."
I honestly can't say if Marie was doing it on purpose. She really IS that tone-deaf sometimes for all that she deems herself shrewd and refined.
Thankfully, Hikari made sure to herd us out the door.
(1.6: Destiny)
September 3rd 2014
T minus 496 days
It was a wonderful late-summer day; The worst of the heat had passed, but the sun still had the strength to enveloped everything in a pleasant golden warmth.
Yet somehow, this marvel of nature did little to lift Touji's mood. Though it was recess, he hadn't rushed outside as was his wont. Instead he peered down at the courtyard through the window, looking distinctly irked by the cluster of girls that was swarming around Kaworu.
He was just speaking with them calmly, nothing more than that – but with his looks, his talents and his open, likeable manner, he had quickly ascended to the status of our classes' resident heart rob. Even the fuss that the boys had made about Asuka, Misato or Kotone was looking reasonable by comparison.
I'd even heard a bunch of girls calling me a 'leech' for 'always hanging all over our dear Kaworu-sama'. Others, who had never once given me a shred of attention would now suddenly start talking to me only for it to become apparent that they wanted me to introduce them to him. I was beginning to feel just a bit like the Designated Plain Friend, though I doubted that there was anyone who could hang around Kaworu without making him look better by comparison.
He would never look down on me like that, he just genuinely liked me for some reason, and in a way that just made it worse…
"The bitches are really showing their true colors, aren't they?"
Kensuke leaned back with a sigh. "He's only just transferred in, and he already has a fanclub. I wouldn't be surprised if every single girl in school was in it… save a very tiny fraction."
He was referring to Rei, who was just quietly sitting on her place like usual, paying no heed to whatever commotion the other girls were engaging in, or even the fact that it was break time.
Touji just shrugged. "Well, she's always like that."
"Soryu looks pretty down tough. It's really not like her. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm starting to miss the usual background noise. When he first showed up, she was little less lovey-dovey than everyone else and very blatant too at trying to get his attention, but starting yesterday, she's been oddly quiet."
"Maybe she made a pass at him, and he turned her down? I guess even the devil cries sometimes."
"Nah. I think she just sees him as a rival. I mean, he's only been here three days, and he's already being hailed ad the prince of our class…"
"Well, I don't know about princes, but I really don't like this guy… anyway, Shinji, what were you going to say?"
This was awkward.
"I wanted to ask if we could ask Kaworu-kun to hang out with us… - He's actually a friend of mine from way back…"
"Not you, too!"
Kensuke broke out in brazen snickering.
"Don't worry, Shinji. Touji always hates the new guys. I think even had it out for you when you first joined us in elementary school. He'll chill out if you give him time."
"Hey Kensuke, exactly whose side are you on?!"
Well, so much for that.
I'd been hoping that I'd be able to do something for Kaworu, to help him out for a change, since he'd be in a new city where he knows no one, but of course he had navigated the social life at our school our like a fish takes to water…
"That's not true." he'd say, sitting up in a tree in his gym clothes, with his arms behind his head, keeping his balance with only the angles of his long, athletic limbs without a care."I have learned many things from you that I wouldn't have discovered on my own. For example, you're the one who got me into stargazing, remember? You should have more confidence in yourself."
Well, thanks for trying to cheer me up, Kaworu. I know he was probably just saying all this just to be nice, but I appreciate the feeling….
I had always admitted how free he seemed to be. I know now how much he must have chafed under his own restrictions and limitations, but nonetheless, he was free compared to me.
As fate would have it, he ended up joining the same clubs as me. Mana and her friends thanked me greatly for 'reeling him in', though I doubt that I had anything to do with it. It's very obvious why he'd join the music club.
If music was a conversation, like he said, then he was an exceedingly eloquent man.
Even Hikari once mentioned to me how she'd walked down the hallway during one of our club sessions and how she really wanted to know who had been playing that beautiful piano music.
"Ah, so that wasn't Kirishima-san, but Nagisa-kun? He's really good."
This being as it was, it should not be long until the first girls sought him out to confess to him. There was practically a line.
Every single one poured out their hearts before him, and with every single one, he listened patiently and somberly to all they had to say, and then every single one was turned down, so gentle, so measured, so wholly focused on sparing their feelings as it was only possible precisely because his own were entirely untouched.
"I deeply regret the distress I must have caused you, but I cannot return your feelings."
That just fanned the flames to greater heights, far more so than if he had swiftly got a girlfriend and thus become unavailable: Now it was a mystery, a subject of speculation, the stuff of outright legend: Maybe there's someone else he likes. Maybe he's into dudes. Maybe his rich guardian won't permit him to commit to a girl of low status – or maybe he's been deeply hurt by some other relationship in the past, and his tender heart was not yet ready for a new start… and who doesn't love a pretty boy with a sad backstory? Heck, even the boys wanted him, and I honestly cannot blame them.
"Maybe you don't have any feelings for those girls right now, but maybe you could just pick the one you like best, and see if something clicks? Maybe you'll like her when you get to know her… or him, if that's what you prefer – I won't judge. I owe you this much…"
He didn't stop smiling, but his expression took on something of a melancholy tinge.
"It's not like I haven't wondered what it might be like, when a person comes to love another. Wanting to touch them. Wanting to kiss them. Never wanting to lose them... And beyond that, what it might be like to have such feelings returned. If I came to receive all those things from the one I loved… but even if there was someone like this, I don't have the freedom to do as I like."
"Because of your work at the lab?"
"Something like that."
"That's very responsible of you, Kaworu-kun."
He regarded me with what was almost an expression of torment, of course the most glorified kind. "Not at all."
Since he was also eloquent in the literal sense and generally inclined towards the arts, it was not strange for him to join the literature club as well – but I think the real reason was Rei.
He sat down at my desk in the early afternoon, ostensibly for no other reason than to question me about her.
"I've asked around, and from what I've been told, you're considered to be the closest person to Ayanami out of anyone in our class."
When he put it like that, he couldn't expect me not to blush.
"...they're just saying that 'cause she doesn't have very many friends besides me. I suppose she'd a bit hard to approach, it was no different for me. But once you get to know her, she does have her good qualities…"
I don't think that was really the sort of answer he was looking for – the typical answer you might get from asking a schoolboy about a classmate. But he was curious and open-minded enough to find something intriguing in whatever he could get.
"The day before yesterday, you said something about doing something together. Yourself, me, and Ayanami. I think that's a wonderful idea. So, I had a look around."
He presented me with a pamphlet. "An amateur concert?"
"Anyone may participate, as long as they sign up in time and bring their own instruments."
"So kind of like a poetry slam but with music?"
"Hm, I haven't thought about it like that, but that is a way you could put it. It's a rare event that isn't held too often, and I believe I should very much like to see it. It's a chance to observe people in their authentic, natural state, not a polished product. Not that I wish to gainsay the merits of technical mastery-"
"No, I get what you mean. I sounds interesting actually. I could ask Rei if she's interested."
It certainly seemed to be an opportunity to get out and experience something new, which had been my main resolution for the current year. Plus I was hoping that at least some of my friends would start getting along with each other, as it was already tiring enough to schedule both Touji's and Asuka's group. My other friends and acquaintances beyond that tended to tolerate at least one of the two, but I'm not sure my very limited social battery could handle adding regular outings with Kaworu if they had to be separate.
I know that I had wanted to expand my circle beyond just Touji and Kensuke and my activities beyond just the usual trudging through life, but now I was begging to remember very hard why I used to be quiet homebody in the first place…
There was no point in showing up if I'd be cranky or zoned out and really not looking forward to it, and in the very worst case, I would end up just disappointing everyone and spend my fleeting youth listlessly scrolling through my phone while replaying the same dozen albums over and over again… it's kind of funny that I once thought that was the worst that could happen. Anything can be funny if you try very hard to imagine that it's all happening to someone else...
"...but don't expect too much, she's not really the sort who is always up for going out. We should probably tell her some time in advance so she can fit us into her schedule."
I considered too late that a whole lot of that schedule probably coincided with Kaworu's own.
"That won't be a problem – like I said, we need to register in advance in any case."
I admit, that implication took a moment to click.
"...you want us to play? Kaworu-kun, I- I'm not good enough for this-"
"You underestimate yourself. It's an amateur concert after all."
"How would you even bring a piano into town?"
"Oh, right, I'm not sure I've mentioned, I also play the violin."
In fact, over the course of our time together, I would find out that he had dabbled in all of the following:
- Piano
- Violin
- Keyboard
- Harpsichord
- Pipe Organ
- Accordion
- Synthesizer
-Dulcimer
- Harp
- Bagpipe
- Metallophone
- Glass Armonica
No Guitars, though. None of any kind. No banjos, lutes or Ukuleles either. He says he doesn't quite understand them. It was what passes for a point of embarrassment if you're Kaworu. Nor trumpets – that probably would have hit a little too close to home.
He wasn't nearly as proficient in all of them and the piano was his definite favorite… and one has heard of one-man-bands or artists who make entire albums just on their laptop. It's probably less rare than the extreme gifts of Asuka or Marie.
But it is still really damn impressive.
"Hardly. It's just that I happened to have a lot of free time on my hand during certain parts of my life." To be fair, he couldn't exactly tell me that since he possesses the Fruit of Life, he didn't really need to sleep, eat or rest unless he felt like doing it for fun. He said once that doing so can be convenient since it means that he needs to expend less energy to maintain his human bits, but I couldn't tell you what meaning convenience has for an immortal with psychic powers and a naturally occurring perpetuum mobile stashed away in his insides.
I wonder where it is. Did my fingers brush against it at some point? Have I mistaken it for a heartbeat at some point, or breath, or the rumble of a gut?
Honestly, I don't have such faith in myself as to proclaim that I, too, would spend all night practicing and acquiring great skills if I could live forever and didn't have to sleep. I'd still be me, just as Kaworu is still Kaworu.
But I can think of more than a few people who would never sleep again if they were given that choice. I'm not wholly sure about Asuka, but Marie Vincennes is a definite yes.
Kaworu isn't more impressive than me because he has an S2 organ. He's more impressive than me because he is Kaworu, and because being more impressive than me is hardly an especially high bar.
"It's obvious that I would only slow you down. I could never play as well as you, less in front of a crowd!"
"It's not important to be good at it. What's important is that it makes you happy."
"But I- I've never played in front of a big audience of strangers before-"
"In order to live, it's important to change and try out new things."
He was right.
Of course he was right, he was always right it's only that I am a stupid idiot who never listens.
Why must he know me so well? In a way he was only giving voice to what I had been trying to convince myself of but couldn't seem to give myself that final push for.
His words made me aware that I'd had to specify an audience of strangers because it used to be that I had never played before any audience at all, but now that was no longer true, because Mana and the other club members had heard me.
There was that tiny part of me – the one I'd never have dared to admit – that honestly thought the idea of releasing my feelings into the ether on some stage and having a room of people clap because I was there sounded like a snippet from a dream. Not what must come before that, not what must come after, not all the fuss and trouble around, but that sort of little moment…
I think I could use to try that sometime. If I ended up hating it, I'd have the next sixty years or so to never do it again.
And I admit, the prospect of having Rei sit in on all that and maybe looking just a tiny bit impressed by its end was not unappealing either, as much as I may have been trying not to imagine that precise thing.
"I don't want you to feel like you have to do it if you don't want to. I would never wish to put you in an uncomfortable situation. If you like, you can simply sit on the sidelines, and I can do the playing. But if you wanted to try it out, it would truly mean a lot to me. I just love the way that we sound together."
How do I say no to that face? That is, why he was content to let me blame it on him, it was actually me who very much wanted me.
I went to Asuka 'cause I expected her to egg me on with any plan that involved stepping out of the quiet and the shadows, but she was never in the business of telling me what I wanted to hear.
Something – maybe the part where I worried about not being as good as the person I would be playing with and just ruining everything for them – must have given it away.
But between Hikari most certainly knowing about Kaworu's masterful performance in the usic club and our tendency to be seen together, it didn't take a detective, and so before long she had worked out the full story, the one I had precisely left vague because though she was by now only slightly grumpy compared to how distraught she had seemed today (maybe Hikari was right and our gifts did help after all?), I figured that she'd still be likely to be touchy at any mention of her 'rivals', and now I looked like I was tricking her into something.
But who could I talk to about this if not my trusted friends? What are friends if not the people whom you go to for advice, whom you tell about your life, whose opinions you allow to matter? And I could hardly discuss my uncertainties about this with Rei and Kaworu themselves.
"Why is the backup candidate even so interested in Miss Honor Student? Does he have the hots for her or something? If so, he's in for quite the disappointment!" She laughed in a way that had nothing to do with joy and everything to do with mockery. "Or who knows, maybe they'll really hit it off with each other, weirdo boy and weirdo boy."
"Oh come on, what do you have against Kaworu of all sudden!"
I would have thought that it was impossible to dislike him, but leave it to Asuka to be the one who does. "It is because of something that happened at your part-time job?"
She got… strange of all sudden. Too Quiet. "I don't suppose a little boy like you would think about that, but have you ever considered how big the world is, and how small your part in it?"
"I don't really think that's something so bad. I think it's even comforting. No matter what I do, no matter what happens on this earth, or how our next math test goes, the stars will still keep spinning…"
She didn't seem to think this comforting at all, and pulled her arms and legs closer to her body.
"All I think about is how dark and empty everything looks when there's no light. How easy it would be to disappear inside that darkness. Even here on earth, even in the city, there are so many, many people. It stands to reason that some of them are living extraordinary and special lives. It's not like it's impossible. Others have done it. Marie and Kaworu are doing it. I'm working hard. I'm willing to make sacrifices. So why can't I do it? Why can't I beat him?"
"...you mean at the lab?"
Wait? Is that what she's been so upset for this whole time?
"Just the day before yesterday, I used to be the best in all the world. The best! And now I'm second. Second out of three."
"You're still really good though, right?"
"Baka. Second ouf of three is mediocre."
"Well, I still think you're pretty amazing." I did my best to sound as sincere as I could. I really really wanted her to understand that I wasn't just saying this. "I mean it. I couldn't dream of being as amazing as you."
"Of course not, you think the height of self-actualization is to literally play the second fiddle as the designated third wheel of Mr. and Mrs. weirdo!"
"Cut it out please. It's not like that."
September 4th 2014
T minus 495 days
...but what if it IS?
If she's right, then it's all over and done for. Good night Irene! Fat Lady most definitely singing. I can definitely pack my bangs. I don't know how anyone would choose me when they could have Kaworu instead.
And once they were both busy doing couple things, they would probably forget all about their boring little friend who thinks the height of daring and coolness is to play an old-fashioned instrument in front a room of people that I'll never have to interact with again.
He did ask around about her, after all. And didn't he say something about how she alone could understand something about him? I've got to give it to her, that is typically something that people with crushes do say. I didn't feel like he meant it that way, but, I feel a lot of things, and many of them don't make sense. That's me, Shinji Ikari: super dense and yet always in a glass cage of emotion…
Ohmygosh, what if Kaworu did like-like her?
As his friend, I could hardly do anything else but wish for his happiness – especially someone like Kaworu, whose orbit I barely deserve to hover in. If I started resenting him now I wouldn't like at all what that says about me. Clearly such would be the heart of a rotten ingrate.
It was obvious that they were both special, and I wasn't.
They were doing this super special, top secret work that Asuka said was so important, and I wasn't. I was completely and utterly average, despite my brilliant parents… I should probably set my sights of some nice, average person with whom I'd never have to worry about measuring up.
These days I feel even more rotten when I look back at this moment, because it now strikes me as exceedingly cruel to describe the grievous circumstances of either Rei or Kaworu as 'special'.
No one is going to say on my behalf: 'Father forgive them, for they do not know what they do'. People don't forgive things like that. They just don't. I don't even think god does, for if he didn't, that would be a helluva explanation for my life as I now know it.
But back to early September 2014, when the fabric of the universe still had the nerve for silly homeroom drama.
What if Kaworu did like-like Rei? I'd have no chance, that's what.
I would be obliged to be happy for them except I fear I'm not that selfless so I'd hate every moment of it and then I'd start hating myself for that, and… as you see I might have been slightly catastrophic. Did I mention, teenager? A wretched state. Even being in your late twenties isn't that bad, unless you're me. Granted my experience of being 28 was hardly typical, seeing as I technically died when I was fourteen-and-a-half.
It wasn't really anything spectacular, my death, at least as far as violent deaths go. I didn't go peacefully in my sleep in my eighties, but soldiers and accident victims die the way that I did all the time.
If you must know, what did me in was a massive internal hemorrhage.
Something fast and sharp went through my entrails, and that's not generally very compatible with life. I coughed up blood. Choked on it. Vomited. I hung on for about fifteen minutes before I bled out – and I have reason to believe that almost every person that I ever knew or loved ended up regretting that the blade didn't nail my heart or my brain stem on the first try. I regret it too much of the time.
But why that is, how got stabbed in the first place, or how I ended up the exception to the common adage that dead men tell no tales is the result of a long, long story the end of which won't make a lick of sense until we actually get there.
For the moment, I was trudging towards the classroom, pondering my misfortune… or what I now recognize as a juvenile idea of misfortune.
My attempts at acting like nothing's wrong were half-assed because they were most certainly half-hearted, so I shouldn't have been surprised when Kaworu responded with the exemplary concern that I knew him for. And under any other circumstances, it would have beeb a welcome fulfillment of my secret wishes, but now it just made me feel even more jealous, and even more guilty for feeling jealous of him.
"Is something the matter, Shinji-kun? You seem down."
Perhaps to brighten my day, he informed us that he'd gotten us that spot at the amateur concert. "It's only the timeslot that I've reserved, so you have until Sunday to change your mind in any way you wish. I can always just play on my own."
He also informed me that he'd spoken to Rei. I should have figured that he would, since I hadn't gone and done it. He'd give me the chance to do it on my own, but before risking a failure in timing, he would go and spare me the awkwardness.
As it turned out, Rei had said she was coming.
"I explained to her that you might not, but I think she was interested in hearing you play."
That surprised me a bit.
If my focus had not been elsewhere, and if I wasn't so convinced of my supposedly being utterly average and unremarkable, I might even have suspected the possibility my presence was basically bait to get her to come.
"I'm surprised that she's interested, she isn't normally much for social events..."
"Not at first, but I believe the reason that she agreed is you. We were talking, and I brought up that you'd probably feel more confident if there was someone in the audience whom you already knew – since you're not so embarrassed with the other music club members."
My heart beat just a little bit faster when he said that.
"Ah, that's… thats nice… from both of you. I'll have to thank Rei about it, too...-"
Still smiling, Kaworu shook his head.
"No, it is I who should be thanking you. Thank to you, I might finally get a good chance to talk to her – to convey my true heart through my music even."
I'm used to his flowery language. I like it. I admire how unapologetic it is, the poetry of it.
But through the lens of the thoughts that had occupied me all morning, there's only one way I could have taken that, so I couldn't help being dejected.
I might have visibly deflated.
It seemed to me that my suspicions are true, and that I better accept them. Better to surrender right away than to get hurt in some ardous fight I could not win. I better caught my losses and maybe hope that I would at least get to keep the best of them as friends.
"I'm happy for you, Kaworu-kun", I said, with a tone that was anything but happy.
"I hope very much that she'll understand what you mean for her to hear."
I thought I was being to be his wingman, and of how natural it was that he'd ask that, since he thought of me as his special friend who ought to wish for his happiness and fortune, not some jealous resentful parasite basking in his glory who would resent his every joy.
I felt obliged to dig myself yet deeper, painfully conscious that I might just be assuaging my guilt.
"It's fine, Kaworu-kun. I'll do it. I'll go with you to the concert. I'll do the best I can to help you make a good impression on Rei – I'm sure she will like you. There's no one who wouldn't-"
He smiled – for some reason, he had always had a tendency to find my pathetic antics endearing.
"Thank you, Shinji-kun. I really appreciate your feelings. Though my intention wasn't really to sway her opinion. I just want to talk to her is all – it is hard to explain, as it concerns a great deal of things that you've nothing to do with, but to put it as simply as I can, the reason I wish to approach her is that Ayanami and I have something in common. It's not just our work at the lab, though that is related to it. You might even say that she is the only other person in the world who shares that similarity. I am certain that she must have realized it, too, but it does not appear that she is interested in discussing it with me. It may be that she resents me – or that she has reasons to think that I would resent her. So what I intend for this to be is a show of my goodwill. I wish to assure her that I hold no ill will toward her, if that makes sense."
"So you mean that you have the same condition or something?"
"...Condition?"
"I mean, because you look kind of the same – not your faces or anything, just…"
I gestured vaguely towards him.
"Ah! Yes, I suppose you could put it like that."
I was embarrassed beyond words.
All this time, my dear friend who had shown me nothing but good faith all my life had been wanting my help with a serious matter that was clearly dear to his heart, and I'd gotten myself distracted by imagining something silly like that.
Silly me. Silly, silly me. Serves me just right for listening to Asuka of all people.
But what embarrassed me even more was the sheer sense of relief I felt when I realized that he wasn't interested in Rei as a girl.
I would have to consider the implications of that.
But not right now – perhaps, I would actually get the chance to be the one helping Kaworu for a change.
"Ah, I see. I get it now, Kaworu-kun! You needn't have worried. Rei is that way with everyone, she doesn't really go out of her way to get to know people. It's not that she doesn't like you, I promise! She's just really introverted, kind of like me."
"You're a lot more responsive, though."
That's cause I'm clingy and pathetic, Kaworu-kun.
I didn't say it in those words, but I did sort of imply it.
"That's not true. You must have known, at least, that you wanted to make friends, even if it meant giving yourself a push."
Thanks, Kaworu-kun. And thanks for letting me have a part of your own worries and concerns, too.
When we finally reached the classroom – barely just in time, we really must have gotten carried away while we were talking – I noticed a flock of birds passing by the town beyond the windows.
I didn't find this out until later, but right now, up on some roof somewhere in the city, Mari must have been watching those same birds with a grave expression.
Maybe she would have been missing her pets; Maybe she would have been envying the ease with which they came together as a group. But almost certainly, she would have been thinking about the events that would be awaiting us next Monday.
Well, with this we have all the five main pilots introduced! I hope they all left strong impressions.
I am very grateful for that one semi official artwork of the kids in winter uniforms.
The tweaks to the whole Kaworu dynamic were fun to figure out. At this point Shinji's got a whole support system of which Kaworu is just one part, Yui has probably said 'I love you' to him before & he knows Gendo and Asuka well enough here to figure out that they care; Meanwhile Kaworu doesn't see Shinji as a "fellow Chosen One" yet, just a human that he likes. So they still totally click & hit it off immediately and became extra BFF, but they don't quite immediately latch onto each other to the same degree, &Kaworu is more interested in Rei for now as someone who is 'like him'. Though of course you might speculate how the premise that known each other for years and stuff might influence further plot events. XDD
That said the crowd that bases their interpretations on some premise that Kaworu is 'a perfect person that likes [Shinji] out of nowhere' and hence something unearned or a trap etc. is waaaay missing the point which is that Shinji only perceives him as a perfect person who likes him out of nowhere 'cause he's got an inferiority complex towards him & can't gronk the concept that anyone might actually like him because of his qualities 'cause it's not compatible with his axioms… for the same reasons 'evil kaworu' doesn't work cause he's supposed to be genuinely enviable.
It kinda says a lot about the viewers that their reaction is 'well obviously no one could actually like Shinji' (we get it you think you refuse to emphasize with anyone 'weak') or 'anyone being nice is sus or manipulating' (who hurt you friend who told you you cant have nice things?) and the classic 'If I cant have it I dont want it anyways' (If it has a sad ending it could never have worked in the first place, or 'If I feel inferiority I will try to find flaws in the other person')
Then there's Rei. In the first few chapters I was sort of riding my initial wave of inspiration and the vague premise that " In Act I, Shinji is the Muggle Best Friend to the other main pilots", but now I'm actually having to figure this out. I didn't want to make her too AU because I want her to actually be in this, so I'd only made her mildly 'softened' on account of this Gendo not being as detached as canon Gendo. On the one hand you don't have this eerie aura of half-remembered disturbing memories because the actual Yui is right there & Shinji remembers her clearly & consciously. On the other hand, you can't as easily build the same kind of 'emotional charge' that comes with scattered glimmers of darkness if the darkness is not exactly there yet; I run into the problem that this Shinji wouldn't necessarily understand her to the same degree if he hasn't been through the same isolation, neglect and resignation. Also it's harder to show off her more caring side with less desiasters to throw anyone in the hospital. It's a trait that comes out mostly in relation to others so it would stay latent/potential while she has no contacts to direct it all. I must resist the temptation to rely too much on Basic Love Interest tropes to bridge the gap, I can't stand it when ship fic descends into generic tropes throwing away all that made the characters unique & the ship interesting in the first place.
However, I must believe that while pain can prompt kindness or reflection, it does not cause it. Else I'd have to credit the bullies and my shitty father with every time someone liked me or my art, and would be a pointless exercise in making myself miserable and giving up what little sense of accomplishment I have and desperately need.
So far this appears to have turned out more like 'EVA Pilots childhood friends AU' than what I initially planned but I'm having fun and I hope you are too. The idea was to start slow and cute and then have a tight bombardment of whammys from the third act / 'layer' onward but now I realize that a lot of this plan rests on the character moments, the mystery and the writing style carrying the engagement curve until then….^^°
Also, before you say anything, Shinji and Kaworu absolutely WOULD love the shit out of the 'dictionary of obscure sorrows'. That is a headcanon hill I would die on.
...Though in hindsight I realize that this assumes they started English in grade school, which might not be a thing in Japan. Even here it's a recent thing (my sister born in 2001 definitely did have it in gradeschool, but I in 5th grade...)