Chapter 8: Dark Clouds on the Horizon

Day 47

I wouldn't say I'm better. Not completely. I don't really think I'll ever be better completely. Something inside is broken, and I've got no hope of fixing it. But I'm not staying shut up in my room anymore, getting nothing done. I've managed to get into something resembling a routine, which is good. Regularity helps me cope. I've even managed to resume combat training, which is kind of insane, all things considered. It's hard, and I freeze more often than I care to admit, the bandit's face flashing in front of me, but it's becoming less and less of an issue.

Greil is such an incredible help, I must admit. He seems to understand what I'm going through very well, and has nothing but patience for me. I genuinely wonder why such a hardened warrior, who's no doubt seen his fair share of death, and dealt plenty himself, would be so understanding. Like, sympathy's a thing, and Greil is full of it, but this is more than I was expecting. When I freeze, Greil takes it in stride, and offers me advice on how to deal with it.

I'm also slowly getting better. I can tell at least that much because Greil is steadily going harder and harder on me. At a rate I can keep up with no less. I wouldn't call myself combat ready by any stretch, but there's a level of competence there that's reassuring. I think. Honestly, it's still very hard to be really confident in myself. Some days, I feel like I'm just in over my head, trying to do this. I know the kind of shit that's on the horizon, and I'm honestly afraid I won't be good enough to keep myself alive when it hits the fan.

I'm lying on the hill, watching the sunset as I contemplate all these thoughts. Rhys isn't with me, nor is Mist. They're off doing healer shit. Which is fine. Mist needs to become a competent healer. All the help we can get, and all that. I like it when the three of us meet up here and just talk about whatever's going on in our lives, but I also like the times when it's just me. I've always had a hard time around people, and solitude suits me well.

I hear footsteps approaching; they're heavy, crunching the dirt and grass underfoot. I tilt my head in their direction and see Greil looming over me. He quickly sits down beside me, and then lies down, watching the sunset.

"In all my time living here, I've never really thought to try this," he tells me.

"What, seriously?"

"Yep. Always been too busy."

"You have to have had some time to relax."

"Well, sure, but I use that to spend time with my children."

"Fair enough…"

"You have children? Before you came to us, I mean."

"No… I never met anyone really."

"Not even an, shall we say… accident?" His tone says he's joking, as does the elbow he's poking me with.

I just laugh. "Nah… never got that far with anyone. I'm not really… great at talking to women."

"You do just fine with Titania."

"Ok, I guess I should clarify. I can have a regular conversation just fine. But, well, I can't go any further…"

"I see… I'd give you advice but… well, I've only loved one, and our relationship was kind of a big, happy accident. I was awkward, she was awkward, it was a mess. But we made it work. And you will too, when the time is right."

"I…" I'm a little overwhelmed to be honest. But, I pull myself together enough to say: "Thank you. That… that means a lot."

"Just don't try anything with my daughter. Because they'll never find the body."

"Ha ha ha, wouldn't dream of it. Besides, she's gotta be close to ten years younger than me. I see her as… honestly like a little sister."

"Good, good. Let's keep it that way."

"Yes sir!"

We both share a laugh after that. This is… nice. Just sitting here, talking about nothing, watching the sun set. I'll never escape the fact that I left a very different life behind, but days like this… days like this help me think that coming here wasn't so bad after all. I honestly wish I could stay like this. Just… living a quiet life. But there's a knot in my gut that appears whenever I think like that. And it always tells me, 'things aren't going to stay this way. You know that.'

And all I can do is sigh.

Day 48

Whack.

Hello dirt. It's me, face, again. We're getting to be such good friends lately. Truly, this is the ideal friendship. You're there to greet me whenever I fail and fall down. And you're so helpful for getting me back on my feet, giving me a hold to push off of. Truly, dirt, where have you been all my life?

I sigh a little at the strangeness of my brain, and push myself back off the ground, spitting out the dirt that got in my mouth. Blegh. Joking aside, getting mouthful of dirt actually really fucking sucks. The texture is just grimy, gritty and nasty, and I can never seem to get it all out no matter how much I spit.

The reason I find myself flying into the ground is because I'm training against Ike once again, under Greil's supervision of course. I was actually doing a bit better than the last time I fought Ike, right up until the bandit's face flashed in front of my eyes again. Next thing I know; face, meet dirt. The comedy bit was actually Greil's idea. He told me that whenever this happens, I should think of something light, to help take my mind off it in the moment. And so, I did.

As I re-enter a ready stance, I'm feeling the last vestiges of that freeze.

"Hold a moment," Greis says right as we're about to start getting back into it.

He walks over to me.

"I know this probably isn't what you're going to want to hear," he tells me, "but this is becoming serious. You will get injured, and probably die, if this happens to you in a real fight."

I sigh in resignation, knowing that he's right. But I still want to reject him out of hand. My head knows he's right, and the rest of me wants to tell him to fuck off. It's not a fun feeling. I finally just nod.

"Any suggestions?" I ask him.

"You're still trying to get your mind off it afterwards, right?"

"Yes."

"Hmm… Everyone handles it differently. But you need to find a way to make some sort of peace with it. The last thing I want is to see you face-down, bleeding out. And that's what will happen if you freeze in a battle."

"I understand."

"Father?" Ike interjects. "Isn't that a little… harsh?"

"He's right Ike," I respond. "It may be somewhat harsh, but that's the reality. I need to get over this… now. If this happens in a real fight for my life, I'm dead. I don't want to be dead." I shudder involuntarily at the thought. Death has always scared me, but that fear has grown far more intense since I arrived here.

"Good," Greil states, "at least you understand. Though, your head knows this, the rest of you is probably recoiling, right?"

"It's like you read my mind."

"Just keep at it, and be patient. You will get it."

I nod, and raise my lance, indicating that I'm ready. Ike raises his training sword in response. We're just waiting on Greil's signal to begin now. He gives it, and we resume our match. I decide to dive straight into offense, throwing out an aggressive thrust. Ike easily parries, but I use my forward momentum to twist the butt of the spear around into a follow-up. Ike blocks that too, and that's all the chance I get to attack before Ike launches his offensive, coming at me with a side-swipe that I'm almost not able to block. The attack rattles the lance, hurting my hands, and I can practically feel Greil's disappointment. If Ike were using a real sword, it would have just bit a chunk out of the spear, if not cleaved it in half completely.

I don't have time to dwell in my thoughts, though, as Ike's already coming in with another flurry of attacks. It takes everything I have to properly parry them, and even then, I only succeed on about half. The other half of the attacks slip my guard and give me some nasty bruises. I still haven't hit Ike. I want to be frustrated at that, but, honestly, I'm used to it.

As I continue the training match, I notice a flurry of black robes out of the corner of my eye. I don't focus on it though, just make a mental note of it. Greil always tells me to stay aware of my surroundings in combat, as a real battle can throw anything at me, but not to do so at the expense of focusing on my opponent. It's a difficult balance to master, especially to someone like me, with my one-track mind. As I parry yet another attack, I hear Soren's voice, speaking urgently to Greil. I can't focus enough on the conversation to process what's being said, but something in my gut sinks, even as I continue trying my best to hold my own against my far, far better opponent.

My arms are beginning to tire out, my lungs are heaving, and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up. Ike hits me particularly hard, and the parry knocks me off balance. He immediately raises his sword for a cleaving stroke, one that'll likely knock my lights out. I order my barking legs to regain their footing and wrench my upper body to twist the lance into position. Just as the blow comes down, my lance is there to meet it. It slides off the side, and I jerk my arms to push the sword away before it hits my hand. I then swing forward with all my might, and actually manage to hit Ike hard in the shoulder with the haft.

Ike responds by quickly backpedaling, putting his defense back up before I even think about following through. My blood running hot, I decide to take the offensive. I've scored a hit, time to keep momentum. Within three moves, my face is in the dirt again.

I hear Greil's footsteps coming over to me. I make no move to get up.

"So, can you tell me what happened there?" he asks patiently.

"Erf goh relef afansh a defeshif offonenf."

Greil just sighs. "I don't speak dirt, son."

"Buf I fref wif dirf."

"Come on, get up."

I feel Greil's hand grip my shoulders, and follow his pull and stand. I once again spit out dirt. Still nasty.

"Now, care to tell me what happened."

"I got reckless against a defensive opponent," I repeat, this time comprehensibly. It's amazing how much easier it is to speak when your face isn't pressed into the ground.

"Good, that means my lessons are starting to take. Remember, when an opponent goes on the defensive, a reckless attack is more likely to give them an opening than you."

I just nod. I tend to just be 0 or 100 with this kind of thing. I either get knocked on my ass because I'm overly cautious or overly aggressive. It's hard for me to find that balance, but I resolve to keep trying. However, just as I'm getting ready to take a stance, Greil shakes his head.

"I'm going to have to end today's training. Jeremiah, follow me. We've got to discuss something."

We? I think to myself, before noticing that Soren is following along. He refuses to so much as glance in my direction as we walk. I guess it's better than the death glare. Still… prick.

I find myself surrounded by the familiar shelves of Greil's study. My eyes kind of aimlessly wander as I wait for whatever this is all about to begin. It's kind of a weird 'seeing without seeing' thing. I've seen this room so many times that it's basically ingrained in my brain, so I'm not really being attentive to the details at the moment.

Soren sits next to me, eyes locked straight ahead, waiting for Greil to sit down and begin the conversation. Greil himself is busy thumbing through a stack of loose papers on a shelf, and I can't quite see what they are, as they're just high enough to be above my eyeline. After a few moments, Greil seems to find what he's looking for, and returns to the desk and takes a seat. What he spreads over the table is a map. One that looks like it's been marked up and edited more times than anyone would want to count.

"So, there's a supply convoy coming here in roughly a week," Greil begins, pointing to a recently-drawn mark on the map. "They're currently leaving Port Toha, having received a shipment there, and will be stopping here on their way to Melior, according to the message they sent ahead."

Something in my heart dropped at the mention of the capital. If this is going where I think it's going…

"Soren has asked me to travel with them to Melior."

…

…

…

…

Fuck.

Brain . exe has crashed. Would you like to close the program?

Greil and Soren watch my internal blue screen of death with curiosity and more than a little worry, at least on Greil's part. I'm trying really, really hard to keep it together, but, well… it's hard. I just got the news I've been dreading since I got here. The war's coming now, and it's only a matter of time… I mean, I have no idea how long Soren's supposed to be in Melior before the invasion comes crashing out of the northeast, but still, this is a sign that things are moving forward, and that terrifies me.

"Are you… all right? You look like I just told you that I murdered your cat," Greil cautiously asks.

"Um… yeah… sorry… had a lot on my mind lately. Ahem… what does that have to do with me?"

"Have you forgotten what we do every week?" Soren impatiently interjects. Before I have a chance to reply, he goes on: "No one else here has the skills to cast that spell, so if you'd like for your eyes to remain bad, then by all means, don't accompany me to Melior."

"You… wait… what?"

BrAiN . eXe HaS cRaShEd. WoUlD yOu LiKe To ClOsE tHe PrOgRaM?

"Allow me to spell it out for you. I am asking you to accompany me to Melior so that I can finish my work on your eyes."

"And besides," Greil begins, "Titania still has some connections in Melior. I think this might be a good opportunity to diversify your training. That's why I've called you in here. To tell you that you have a choice to make."

"I…" I stutter out, "I… I… do…? Um… sorry… g-give me s-some time."

"The convoy will be here in a week," Greil informs me. "That should be plenty. Anything else?"

I turn to Soren. "Are… are you sure about… bringing me along? We don't exactly… get along."

"No, but I will be far more comfortable keeping you where I can see you, as opposed to leaving you alone with these people I care greatly for."

"I, see."

"Well, that's all I wanted to say," Greil concludes. "Think it over. It's your choice in the end."

I nod, and just shuffle my way out of the room, still in a daze.

I spend the rest of the day in a zombified haze. Dinner comes and goes, and I don't say a word to anyone. I'm sure that people attempt to talk to me, but I'm not even really aware of them. My thoughts are entirely consumed by the plot moving onto course. Only for me, it won't just be a narrative. It's gonna be a real fucking war, against real fucking soldiers. All while I'm woefully underprepared for it. And now I have a shot at a front row seat to the opening moves. Isn't that just fucking great? Ugh, kill me now and get it over with.

I'm not really aware of when I return to my room, only that it happens at some point. I'm halfway through preparing for bed when my brain finally registers that something's off. Coming out of my spiraling, useless thoughts, I realize that I'm not actually alone in here. Soren's here with me.

I blink. "Um… how long have you been in here?"

"I followed you in. I have been trying to get your attention for several minutes."

An uncomfortable silence follows, and I don't really know what to say. After a good while, Soren seems to get this, and so continues to speak.

"What is wrong with you? You've been given a prime opportunity, and you're acting like it's your own grave staring you down. This reaction is entirely incongruous."

"That bad, huh?" I ask weakly.

"Yes, that bad. What is going on with you? Your answer had best be satisfactory, else I'll not be leaving."

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. FUCK! What do I say here? 'There's a war coming, and you're going to be in Melior when it hits'? Yeah that'll go over real fucking well. But what else can I say? There's literally no way to explain myself without sounding like a deranged lunatic. But a weak-ass excuse isn't going to cut it, because this is Soren, and he doesn't have any patience for me as it is. What do I do? What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?

"I- I- I-" I stammer out… "I don't even know where to begin…"

"You had best figure it out. My patience is already running thin…"

He won't accept anything but the truth. I can tell that much. But, can I risk telling him the truth? Well, my brain is not supplying any sort of convenient lie, so… Argh, fuck me this is so hard. I can't tell him the truth. I can't! Out of the fucking question!

"Look… I… can't tell you. You wouldn't believe me anyway."

There's the death glare again. Haven't seen that in a while.

Soren takes a deep breath. "That is not remotely satisfactory, and I'm sure you're aware of that. I warn you, I am very, very serious. I will stay here all night if need be. I am fine with not sleeping. Are you?"

"No, I'm not!" I snap at him, all of this starting to become too much. "But explaining what's going on with me is not a fucking option right now, ok!? I! Fucking! Can't! Tell! You!"

"Your silence is not an option either." There's an edge to Soren's voice now, though he's not yelling like I am.

"It fucking needs to be, asshole!"

His glare intensifies, and he holds his hand out, palm open.

"I've warned you of what I intend should I suspect any level of treachery." A fire lights in his palm. "The others seem to like you, even trust you. I can respect that. But that is not good enough for me. I need an answer. If you value your life, you will give it to me."

I sigh, and with a great effort, I let the anger start to drain out of me. It's not helping here, and if I don't stamp it down now, I'll do something stupid.

"All right, fuck it. Fine. Fine. You wanna know, I'll fucking tell you. I know things. Things about the future. There's a war coming. Daein is going to invade. And they're going to win. Crimea is going to be occupied for the better part of year. Happy now?"

Soren looks at me entirely incredulously, clearly not buying it.

"I don't believe you." He tells it to me straight. "Further, I don't see how such a thing is related to my traveling to Melior."

"When the war hits, you're not here with the mercenaries. You're in Melior. Knowing that you're here, with us, is how I knew that the war was still off in the future, not something to worry about. But today, you confirmed that you're going to Melior and fucking invited me to come along. Yeah, I had a bit of a blue screen of death there."

If Soren thought my modern turn of phrase was strange, he shows no sign.

"Even if I did bring myself to believe your words… I have yet to hear a shred of proof for your… outrageous claims."

He looks at me like he's questioning my sanity. Fuck me this was dumb. I should not have done this… but… I'm already in this mess. Nothing I can do now.

"Well, I can't fucking prove it. The physical proof of my knowledge was conveniently left in my old home. So you know what? Fuck it, I'll come with you to Melior, and when Daein's army shows up on the horizon, I'll give you a big, fucking 'I told you so.' How's that for proof?"

Soren laughs in my face. This went about as poorly as it possibly could have.

"You must be crazy," he finally tells me. "That's the only explanation that fits everything I just heard… Fine… Come to Melior. But know that I think everything you just said to me is a load of shit. And if it somehow isn't a load of shit, you are going to tell me everything."

Soren gets up to leave.

"Wait!" I call, a moment of forward thinking coming over me.

"What?"

"Keep this to yourself, would ya? I'm fine if you think I'm crazy… but… I don't want the others to worry. I give them enough to worry about already."

"Hmph. Fine."

He takes his leave after that, and I'm just left to stew in my failure. Of the people to open up to about this, even a little bit, Soren? What the fucking hell am I thinking? Fuck me this is a fat load of suck.

Day 52

The news that I've decided to accompany Soren to Melior spreads very quickly, as I was sure it would. There aren't a lot of people in this company, after all. Mist was, of course, the first one to come talk to me about it, followed immediately by Rhys. They're both sad I'm leaving, but we all took comfort in the fact that it was going to be a temporary leave. I would return when Soren did. And knowing what I did, that return was going to be ahead of schedule and under dire circumstances. Both and Greil and Ike wish me nothing but the best, and aren't about to get weepy-eyed over a departure that isn't in any way permanent. I wish I could tell them about what I know, but the time just isn't right yet. Because telling Greil about my knowledge will ultimately lead me to divulge what I know about the encounter with the Black Knight. To be honest, I don't know what I'm going to do about that…

So, that about sums up the stuff that's happened over the past few days; which isn't really much at all. It's early in the morning, and I'm headed up the hill, which by the way has gone from archenemy number one to just a minor annoyance in the morning, when Titania intercepts me. She's one of the people who hasn't really said anything to me about leaving yet. We've just continued our reading lessons as normal.

"Good morning, Jeremiah," she greets.

"Morning, Titania," I reply.

"Could you come with me to the study?"

"Are we studying early today?"

"No, this about your departure to Melior."

"Oh… I see." I sigh a bit.

We walk in silence the rest of the way to the main compound, but it isn't awkward. It's actually quite companionable, which I am all for. I like silences that aren't awkward. Titania leads me through the path I've taken hundreds of times be now, through the courtyard, into the mess hall, and to the study. Once there, she sits at the desk, and I reflexively take the seat across from her. Guess it's habit now.

Titania, rather than saying anything, rummages through the desk, as though looking for something. Finally, she pulls out an ornate, gold crest, and a letter.

"Here," she says, handing both to me. "This is my knight's crest, as well as a letter to a very specific knight. These will get you training once you arrive in Melior. Go to the palace, present the guards with the crest, and ask for Kieran. I was his commanding officer during his training. Give him this letter, and he will take you on. And... prepare yourself. He's a strange one."

"I… wha…?"

She blinks. "Sorry, I guess that was a bit too much too fast… Um… I used to be a knight in service to Crimea. I left honorably, so… I should still have some influence."

"So… you're doing this… for me?"

"Yes… though it was also Greil's request. We both want you to keep up your training. So… I've prepared these for you."

"I see. Um… thank you. Really. Honestly, I don't really think I'm worth all this effort."

"I wouldn't say that at all. You're one of the better learners I had. Even if you have a lazy streak."

"It's a mile wide, I'm aware," I add with a light-hearted smirk.

"Also," she pulls out another letter to punctuate this, "this letter is for a scribe named Tanya. Another acquaintance from my knight days. She'll continue teaching you to read. I'd ask Soren… but… well…"

"Yeah, he's Soren. I get it."

"He'll also be very busy. The public section of the royal library is large enough by itself to occupy him for months."

"At the rate he reads? How fucking huge is this library?"

Titania glares at me for the swear that slipped out, and I have the decency to look embarrassed at the very least.

"It is quite large," she informs me at last. "And knowing Soren, he'll find a way to access the private sections, as well. He'll likely be studying for quite some time. You'll probably only see him when it's time to renew the spell on your eyes, and even then, you'll probably have to seek him out."

"Oh joy."

"It could be worse."

"I guess it could… Anything else I need to know?"

"That should cover it. Now, since we're here, how about we resume yesterday's lesson?"

I gulp a little in trepidation. Early morning lessons almost always mean long lessons. Well, longer than normal… Goddess help me…

Huh… when did that creep into my vocabulary?

The lesson goes up until after lunch. We literally end up taking both breakfast and lunch in the study, while poring over the various symbols that make up the local written language. Even with the similarities, given that the spoken language is the same, this is still incredibly difficult. Afternoon is finally rolling in when Titania calls it quits, gives me a few pointers, and allows me to leave, with a stack of books to read in my own time. I'm still at a child's reading level, I might add, but the complexity is increasing. I'm actually reading novels now. Children's novels, but still… it's progress.

I stumble out of the room, my brain dazed and overloaded as it usually is after these things, and bump headfirst into Gatrie. Now, to be honest, I've been going out of my way to avoid Gatrie. His cavalier, ladies' man tendencies really rub me the wrong way, so I don't actually want to spend much time with him. Guess I'm not so lucky today.

"Hey! How ya doin' buddy?"

"Uh… well… ya see… I'm kinda tired, and Titania just gave me a whole bunch of books to read, so I was just gonna-"

"Forget all that!" he tells me joyously. "I heard you were leavin' and me'n Boyd decided we're going out on the town tonight, gonna have some fun! Since you haven't gone with us yet, I figured it was now or never!"

"Look, I appreciate the gesture but-"

"Great! I'll pick you up at your room! Get those dusty books put away, and get ready for the night of your life!"

At that, he leaves me to go Goddess knows where. Well, shit, I didn't have a chance to get a word in edgewise there. I contemplate going back to hide in the study. It might be enough to throw Gatrie off my trail. But… that will only be a temporary fix… He's been trying to get me to go to town since the moment we met. That's… also why I've been avoiding him. I really, really don't want to go into town and be social. Hell, I haven't actually been into the town yet.

For context, there's a decently sized town about two hours' walk north of here. It's not big enough to have any sort of cultural items, like a library, but it is big enough to have pubs and the like. No doubt Gatrie intends to go straight to such an establishment. Hell, he probably intends to get laid, knowing his personality. And he… he might try to drag me into that with him. Oh fuck, it's gonna suck for me to go with him, isn't it? Especially since I don't drink…

The study's actually starting to sound like a very, very good idea… if I'm being honest. But… well… he seemed really determined this time. And if I succeed in avoiding him now… how much harder is he going to try next time? Fuck me, this is a dilemma.

I suddenly stop with a jolt, realizing that I'm standing outside my room. I guess I zombie-walked here while I was mulling over my options… And this is exactly where Gatrie said he'd come to get me once he was ready… I sigh and realize I'm not going to be avoiding this for much longer. Might as well rip the band-aid off now. Maybe If do this awkwardly enough, he'll never invite me to come back. Wouldn't that be nice?

A/N: After taking a few months off, I am back. To be honest, the hiatus was caused by a combination of getting a job and difficulty working up the motivation. It's great not to be unemployed, but a job is always draining, and takes some adjusting. I do feel like I've gotten that adjustment figured out now, and have found a way to work writing back into my schedule. Now, updates aren't going to be as regular as they were when I started. Like I've stated previously, that was only regular because I had multiple chapters pre-written. I'm going to take more of a, 'when it's ready' approach to this story. But I will be working on it, I'm preparing for the next chapter, and have a decent idea of where I'm going.

Now, I have gotten a number of kind reviews in the interim since my last update. I won't be able to respond to all of them, but know that I have read them, and found them to be wonderfully encouraging. It's a big part of why I was able to find motivation to resume work in the first place. So, to everyone who left a review while I was away, my sincerest thanks. Now, on to the copy-pasted conclusion section of these notes.

If you all want to hang out with me, I'm actually on Discord. I spend most of my time in Metallover's server, since I edit for him, and play an active role as an admin. You can find me there if you want to say hi. Here's the link, just pull out the spaces: discord . gg / / RnGPQxX