As Bilba reached the top of the basement stairs it occurred to her that she wasn't exactly dressed for going to Erebor.
Thorin wasn't either but she was under no compunction to bring that to his attention.
Dwalin stopped to say something to Thorin and she took the opportunity to slip past them and dart up the stairs to the second floor.
Smaug was sprawled on the landing at the top, challenging her to trip over him, but she hopped over and made it to the bedroom in one piece. Once there she went into the closet and started rooting for better clothing.
She got what she needed, whirled to leave, and nearly had a heart attack as she found herself face to face with Thorin.
Or with Thorin's breastbone, whatever.
"Guilty conscience?" Thorin asked mildly.
"You know better than to sneak up on me, Thorin!" Bilba groused, trying to get her heartrate back under control. She tried to push past him but he stayed put, effectively blocking her in the closet.
"Were you hoping I'd forget to change before going?"
She glared at him. "Maybe. Move."
He did and she stalked toward the bathroom.
"Why are you changing in there?"
"Because husbands who abandon their wives for a week and then challenge them to Alpha Wars don't get to watch said wives change," she said airily, putting her nose up.
A finger hooked through one of the belt loops on the back of her pants and she was suddenly being spun around toward Thorin.
"Bilba," he said reasonably, clasping his hands at the small of her back. "I wasn't gone a week. It's barely been two days."
"It felt like a week," Bilba said petulantly, studying his shirt and refusing to meet his eyes.
He laughed and kissed her on the top of the head. As he pulled away Bilba grabbed him and kissed him properly. "Are you going to come back now?" she asked, the barest hint of a plaintive tone in her voice. "Even if I kick your butt in the Alpha War, which I totally will be doing?"
"I'll come back," Thorin said, amused. "The bed here is much more comfortable than the one at Frerin's."
Bilba gave him a look of outrage at the implication that the only thing he missed was the bed. She started to smack him on the arm only to have him catch her wrist and lean in close. "It's more comfortable," he said, kissing her lightly, "because you're in it."
Bilba stopped, feeling her face heat.
Someone cleared their throat in the doorway and they both turned to see Dis, looking exasperated. "I knew it'd be a bad idea to leave the two of you alone together." She snapped her fingers. "You know the rules. Alpha War first, making up later. Now get changed and get downstairs."
Thorin rolled his eyes.
Bilba felt her own widen, realization dawning, and she jumped away. "You jerk! You were trying to seduce me so I'd call off the Alpha War and you could tell everyone I was too scared to face you!"
Thorin grinned. "Just trying to save you the embarrassment, Love. You can still call it off now and save face."
Bilba made an incoherent sound of rage and stalked into the bathroom. She slammed the door on Thorin and got changed quickly, pulling her hair up and clipping it back as a final step before jerking the door back open to leave.
Thorin was lounging against the wall, waiting for her. He'd changed into jeans and sneakers…and a black t-shirt that was probably a size to small, at least, and did all manner of weird things to her stomach.
Dis was no longer in the room so Bilba stepped toward the door. "Dis! Thorin is trying to seduce me again!"
"Stop trying to seduce your wife, Thorin!" Dis yelled from downstairs.
Thorin pushed off the wall, smirking. "You always were a tattletale."
"And you were always underhanded," Bilba shot back.
"True," Thorin said, vanishing into the closet, "but you knew that when you married me."
Bilba parroted him mockingly under her breath until he came back out, now wearing a properly sized t-shirt.
They moved downstairs and out the front door, Thorin locking up behind them. There was a full moon hanging low overhead and stars cast the street in a silver glow.
Bilba stayed near Thorin, ready to shove him in the way of any zombies or other supernatural entities that were undoubtedly lurking in the nearby bushes just waiting for the unsuspecting passerby.
Well, she wouldn't be caught unaware. Still, just to be safe, she scooted even closer to Thorin and grabbed his arm, eyeing the bushes near the door with suspicion.
"Only this family would think going out in the middle of the night is a good thing," she muttered.
It's barely 8:30," Thorin said dryly, "hardly the middle of the night and it's a Friday. Everyone can just sleep in tomorrow."
They went to the car, Dis peeling away to her own. Thorin had grabbed the equipment that he'd left near the front door and loaded it into the trunk. He then walked around to hold the door open for her. Bilba slid in and leaned across the center console to push Thorin's door open for him so he didn't have to unlock it.
He got in and then they were off on their way to Erebor.
They already lived on the very outskirts of the city, in the last suburb before the homes gave way to open land. They left the lights behind almost immediately, passing into darkened landscape with only the ridiculously powerful headlights of Thorin's Audi to show the way.
Bilba had grabbed her purse as she left and sat it on her lap, fishing through it. As she did she paused, remembering, and asked, "How did my purse get back in my room?"
Thorin smirked, he was doing that far too much lately, and said, "I built the basement, Bilba. Do you really think locking the door would keep me in it?"
Bilba's eyes narrowed. "You think you're the only one who's sneaky. That's your first mistake."
She got her phone out and dialed.
"Who are you calling?" Thorin asked.
Bilba stuck her tongue out at him and waited for the phone to be picked up. When it did, she grinned happily and said, "Hi, Ori?"
Next to her, Thorin began swearing creatively. He reached for the phone but Bilba swatted his hand away as she invited Ori to come join them at Erebor. The other woman had never been involved in a war of any kind, though she'd come to watch a time or two with her brothers, Nori and Dori.
Ori was more than happy to come, excited about the prospect of finally getting to join in, and Bilba hung up with a triumphant grin.
"That's low, Bilba," Thorin said and Bilba gave him a mock innocent look.
"I learned from the best, Darling."
He snorted and Bilba put the phone away before dragging another one out.
"Is that Frerin's phone? Why do you have it?"
"Because your brother is a jerk," Bilba replied. Frerin couldn't be bothered to password lock his phone so she opened up the camera and pulled up the videos.
She started the most recent one and stared in horror at the sight of her, clearly very drunk, dancing on a table just as Frerin had said. A crowd was gathered around her and, as she watched, one guy started to climb up with her only to be dragged back by Thorin appearing from seemingly nowhere.
He had a habit of doing that, he was like a ninja.
In the video, her very drunk self caught sight of him, shrieked his name happily and leapt off the table at him. Thorin caught her because he had mad skills and wicked reflexes and she threw her arms around him. The crowd broke up and Thorin started for the door, Frerin following behind with the video and laughing like a crazy person the entire way.
"I think I'm going to declare an Alpha War against Frerin after this," Bilba grumbled as she deleted the video. She couldn't guarantee he hadn't already backed it up to his computer and wouldn't pull it out at the next Durin family party but there was only so much she could do.
"I don't know," Thorin said cheerfully, "I think he has a great future in store in video production."
"I think you have a great future on the couch," Bilba retorted.
The speed of the car changed and she looked up to see they were turning onto the lane that led to Erebor. It was a massive complex, stretching for acres and acres and acres. The outside of the building had been designed to look like smooth, black obsidian with no windows and the doors hidden. Most people in the city referred to it as the obelisk and there were dozens of theories about what it housed, from advanced alien technology to a Scrooge McDuck style vault filled with gold and treasure that Thorin regularly visited to swim in (which was just ridiculous, Bilba thought. You couldn't swim through gold no matter what a silly cartoon said. She knew this to be true because Thorin had tried it…more than once).
Thorin refused to tell the public what it was because he found the theories hilarious.
Bilba personally believed the real reason he wouldn't tell was because the truth was flat out crazy.
They arrived at the gate and Thorin rolled the window down to punch in his pass code. The gate opened and they pulled through to the parking lot.
Bilba raised an eyebrow at the empty spaces. "How'd we manage to get here first?"
"Talent," Thorin said, putting the car in park. He got out and came around to open her door for her.
It was silent outside, far enough from the city that the sound didn't reach and all she could hear was the faint chirp of crickets. There were plenty of lights along the perimeter but it still left darkness beyond that and Bilba kept an ear out for the approach of anything intent on eating them.
Thorin shut the door and then tried to kiss her but stopped when she put her hands on his chest, resting his forehead against hers instead.
"We're in the middle of the woods at night, Thorin," Bilba said, patiently. "You know what happens to people in horror movies who start making out in the woods at night."
"We're not in the woods, Darling," Thorin answered, "and it's not a horror movie."
"That's what everyone in a horror movie always says," Bilba argued. "If they knew they were in a horror movie they wouldn't make out! And there are woods close by so it still counts."
His eyes narrowed. "The hero doesn't die."
He had a point. Thorin was certainly the hero of her story but she wasn't about to tell him that. The last thing he needed was an even bigger ego, particularly when they were about to start an Alpha War.
"He also doesn't make out," Bilba said sweetly, "usually because he's busy figuring a way out and not wasting time." She pushed on him and he backed away. She immediately lifted up on her toes and gave him a quick kiss on the end of his nose. "Besides, we already said you were the obnoxious jock who gets killed early. Making out with me would only hasten your death and we wouldn't want that."
Mainly because she would then be next.
That would be bad. She wouldn't even have Smaug to save her.
The gate trundled open and Thorin went toward the trunk. Bilba stayed close to him, because zombies were nothing to joke about, and waited as he got the equipment out.
Dis pulled up alongside them, Vili in the passenger seat and Fili and Kili in the back. Vili got out and hugged her in greeting, before saying, "does it ever feel like we married into a family full of crazy people?"
"What does that say about us?" Bilba asked and Vili laughed.
"Fair enough."
Thorin strode toward the building, snagging Bilba around the waist and bringing her with him as he did. "Come on, if any zombies show up they'll eat the stragglers first."
The area of the wall he aimed toward looked no different than any other. There were no walkways leading to it, or anywhere else, and Bilba was always at a loss as to how Thorin knew just where to go.
He reached out and put a hand on the black surface while leaning forward. A blue light flashed, reading his retinal scan and fingerprints. A click sounded and a section of the wall slid smoothly aside. Beyond it lights flashed on, illuminating a long hallway, painted black with an onyx and black marble floor.
Thorin did so enjoy being dramatic.
Bilba ran in, because inside was much safer than outside when it was dark and especially when said inside place was Erebor; and darted toward the lockers. Thorin came in behind her and she retrieved her body armor from him and put it on, tightening the straps and latches until it was a snug fit. She went to the back of the room and opened a large locker to get the harness. She had a specific one, custom made to fit her while she was wearing armor, knee and elbow pads. Those she got out first, slipping them over her knees and elbows before grabbing a pair of fingerless gloves from the top rack and putting those on.
The harness was a complicated series of straps and latches that always seemed hopelessly tangled and impossible to figure out. Before she could even try, Thorin arrived and took it from her. With the ease of long, long practice, he had it sorted and on her in minutes. The main part of the harness crisscrossed her chest with a small red light located right over her heart. More straps were wrapped around her knees and elbows, each with their own red light, while lines ran between them making the entire thing one piece.
The others started to arrive as Thorin got his own on and Bilba went to greet them.
She knew the second Ori arrived. Bilba had been returning Frerin's phone, pretending it had fallen out of his pocket (a story he didn't believe for a second because all the Durin men were paranoid bastards), when she heard Dwalin make a strangled sound off to her side.
He was staring at the door and she turned to see Dori and Nori walking through, with Ori between them. The other woman was tiny, even smaller than Bilba and that was saying something, with short, curly brown hair and bright green eyes.
Dwalin was besotted with her and had been for years. The only reason they weren't together yet was because he was an idiot and Ori was oblivious. Nori knew about it and liked to harass Dwalin endlessly, leading to Dwalin being particularly hard on him when it came to Nori's private eye business and its sometimes….shady techniques.
"You'll pay for this betrayal," Thorin's voice muttered wryly in her ear as he walked past. Bilba responded by throwing her arms around him from behind and squeezing. He gripped her hands for an instant and kept moving, toward the control room at the end of the hall. There were many different configurations the room could be set in and Bilba had no doubt which one he'd choose, he'd named the entire complex after it.
Technically she could pick, assuming she could beat him to the controls, but she let him go. She sucked equally at all of them anyway, trying to pick one over the other wouldn't help her very much. At best, she'd pick the one titled "Shire" and squirrel herself away in one of the little homes.
It's what she normally did when they played that configuration, despite Thorin's grousing that it was supposed to be a battlefield, not a pleasant place to have afternoon tea.
She went over to Ori and threw her arms around the smaller woman. Ori hugged her back. "Thank you so much for inviting me! I've wanted to join in for a long time now!"
"No problem," Bilba replied. She shot a look back at Dwalin to see him fumbling as he got his harness in place. "Dwalin? Would you mind helping Ori get ready? She's never worn a harness before."
Dwalin went bright red and, near him, Frerin shook his head in exasperation. A second later he was at her side. Before she could react he grabbed her arm, knelt and pulled her over his shoulder. "That's enough of that I think."
Bilba shrugged and busied herself messing with the straps of his harness as he carried her out the door, down the hall and into the control room at the end.
"You know better than to leave her to her own devices," she heard him say, then she was being set carefully on her feet, facing Thorin. She immediately tried to leave but Frerin hooked a finger through where the straps crossed over her back and kept her in place.
Bilba shot him a dirty look and then went to the control board, turning and hopping up to sit on the counter just before the board. Behind her was a large bank of windows. They were currently covered but, beyond them, she could hear the clanking and rumbling of things being moved into place by the computer program and automation.
"You always do Erebor," she groused at Thorin. "We should do Shire."
"I'd do Shire more often if my wife hadn't turned it into a book club," Thorin replied.
"I like my book club," Bilba said shortly. "Maybe I should move it to Erebor for a change of scenery."
Thorin came and planted his hands on the counter on either side of her, leaning in toward her. Bilba wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him an innocent look.
"You two are ridiculous," Frerin said from behind them. "Why don't you just both admit you were wrong and get on with it?"
"NEVER," Thorin and Bilba said simultaneously.
The control board beeped and Thorin straightened to go deal with it. Bilba pushed off the counter and went to a low table with three massive binders on it. One of them was a record of all the winners of the normal wars they regularly fought.
Well, normal, if one took into account the fact that Thorin would bring in dozens of professional stunt people to fill out the teams and make it a proper battle. Once a year he'd hold an anniversary war that involved hundreds of people. When Bilba had pointed out the sheer cost of constantly having to pay all those people Thorin had started his own stunt person training academy. Participation in the wars was then considered an achievement, something only the best and brightest were allowed to do. Competition for the spots was reportedly quite high. He still had to pay for the hundreds he needed once a year but it was just once a year and Thorin, as he explained it, was filthy freaking rich.
The second binder was a record of the winners of the Alpha Wars, wars which only involved a select few who were mostly family; complete with the signed contracts showing what the winner got from the loser.
The final binder, situated in the middle of the table, was a list of the rules of the game.
Most of them had to do with Thorin.
Rule 1, for example, was "Thorin is not allowed to set traps". Under that an addendum had been added reading, "this includes digging holes, setting lures or anything else he's managed to cobble together because he's insane."
Rule 2 was "no 'interrogating' prisoners (Thorin)". That particular one did not impact the rules about prisoners and had mostly been negated entirely by Rule 3, though, which was "Bilba and Thorin are always to be on the same team, no exceptions."
Rule 3 was kind of her fault. She had never been very good at the wars and had a tendency to stand in one place and scream, "stop shooting at me!"
A perfectly understandable reaction to having someone with a high powered paintball gun shooting at you. The fact the Durins had no problem with it just added to the proof that they were all crazy.
Thorin, as it turned out, had a bit of an instinctive reaction to the sound of her screaming.
He'd shot the person shooting her.
Frerin.
Who had been on his team at the time.
After that Thorin, who liked to take things much too far, had decided to make Bilba his own personal mini-game, an escort mission where he had to protect her on the battlefield.
This meant he had ended up taking out most of both teams and had heroically thrown himself in front of a paintball to save her.
Which meant the team she was on had won, mostly thanks to Thorin.
Who had not been on her team.
Hence, the creation of Rule 3, which stated that Thorin and Bilba must be on the same team at all times. There was also an entire sub-category to Rule 3 that listed the rules of the mini-escort game Thorin had created.
Bilba was really hoping Thorin's instincts would get the better of him once again and help her win.
The noise from beyond the windows stopped and she looked up as the metal covering over the windows rolled back.
Beyond was the massive configuration that gave the building its name. In one far off corner was a mountain that could actually be entered. It ran underground, creating an entire different level with halls and floors and different rooms.
Above ground, outside the mountain, was a large plain. Large, rectangular slabs of stone dotted it in an irregular pattern. There were cliffs overlooking it and the ruin of an ancient city that Thorin had named Dale. Even further out was a second hill with the remnants of an old watchtower on it. It had purposefully been set so far back that it was nearly useless for someone wanting to use it to spy on the plain but it was pretty cool for a camp, as was Dale.
Erebor was one of the hardest places to hold an Alpha War in because there was so much open space outside and so many places to hide below ground. Shire was so much better in Bilba's opinion, a lovely green landscape with small homes set into the hills. Her favorite was a place she'd named Bag End where she'd happily hole up while the others killed one another outside. Frerin, she knew, loved the wooded landscape of Rivendell while Fili and Kili loved the wooded, and much scarier, landscape of Mirkwood. There was also Mordor, Gondor, Bree, Rohan, Isengard and Moria but none of them were used quite as often.
Thorin clapped his hands together in glee and went to lay the two opposing Terms of Surrender on the table. "Ready to lose, Darling?"
"Ready to get your butt kicked, Darling?" Bilba shot back, crossing her arms over her chest.
Thorin smiled widely in response.
Footsteps sounded and the rest slowly filed in, taking up position behind their respective team leader. For Bilba, it was Dis, Nori, Ori, Dori, Balin, Bofur and Bombur while Thorin had Dwalin, Fili, Kili, Bifur, Oin, Gloin and Frerin. Vili had already dragged a chair over to the large bank of televisions that watched every part of the course and sat down. Bilba and all the others had a tracker installed in one of the straps of their harnesses and Vili would be able to watch every one of them at the same time on the monitors.
Most people usually just watched Thorin. When things went wrong it was usually thanks to him.
"Standard rules," Thorin was saying. He knelt and dragged several boxes out from under the table. He passed one to Bilba and put the other by his feet. He lifted a third box onto the table and threw the lid back. Inside were a number of objects ranging from rings to a broken sword hilt to a few other odds and ends. Thorin pulled out a small gold ring and handed it to Bilba before getting a smooth, round white stone. It was carved from white quartz and glittered under the lights. He shoved it into a pocket on his outfit with a challenging look at her.
Bilba sneered at him and put the ring in a pocket.
"Rules are standard except for Rule 3," she added. "That one is waived."
"Are we inside Erebor or on the plain?" Dis asked.
"Outside," Thorin said immediately. "If I put you inside Bilba would set up a book club and we'd never get anywhere. I'll take the Treasury, you can have Dale or the watchtower." He picked up his marker. "Fifteen minutes to get in place, consider the game begun after that."
He left with his team and Bilba trailed after with her own, shooting a grin at Vili as she did.
He just shook his head in resignation.
Bilba set up camp inside one of the buildings in Dale, pushing the door closed on Nori's advice and blocking it shut. The last thing they wanted was for Thorin to burst through and ambush them and have the whole thing be over before it'd started.
She would seriously never live that down.
Like ever.
Mainly because there was no feasible way Thorin would ever let her live it down.
"Alright," Dis said immediately, "our first problem is Thorin's managed to get all the top players on his team."
"Hey!" Nori said, "I resent that."
Dis gave a very pointed look at Dori and Balin, both of whom were well up in years, then at Ori who had never played at all, then Bombur who was, very healthy to put it tactfully, and finally at Bilba.
Bilba smiled in response but felt her heart sink as she did. Dis had a very good point. In many ways it would be Dis, Nori and Bofur against Thorin and his entire team while the rest of them did their best…only to probably get taken out very quickly. The teams were usually made up more evenly, stronger and weaker players spread out well enough to make the game sporting, and fun, but Thorin was a big fat meanie and had taken all the best players…though he wouldn't have gotten Frerin if she hadn't kidnapped him…and Dwalin…and Fili and Kili…
Damn it.
None of the others looked particularly put out by Dis' comments but were simply nodding sagely as she spoke. Not only were they fully aware they weren't they greatest players but, aside from Nori, most of them didn't have near the love for the game that just about everyone on Thorin's team possessed.
Bilba was beginning to get a sense of just how well Thorin had manipulated things in his favor.
It was quite irritating.
"What if we capture a few of them?" she asked, "and invoke Rule 15?"
Rule 15 regarded prisoners. No one wanted to be captured and forced to sit out for the entire game so the rule, and its sub-rules, allowed for such things as escape and even being captured on purpose for ulterior motives. It also added, just to make it fun, the notion that if someone could be captured and held for one hour then they would automatically be considered turned. They would then be allowed to continue fighting but on the side of the team that had captured them.
Thorin had added that one, stating if someone screwed up enough to get captured and couldn't manage to escape within an hour, then they probably weren't that good and would drag down their new team. He very clearly saw this as only benefitting him, ie, getting rid of bad players on his own team and saddling the other team with them.
This of course had led to people getting themselves captured on purpose and all sorts of new addendums and sub-rules but they had mostly gotten it sorted…mainly by adding Rule 16 which specifically told Thorin to knock it off already.
"Who were you thinking of?" Nori asked.
Bilba grinned. "Dwalin."
Bofur raised an eyebrow. "His best friend and best player? What makes you think we could get him, much less hold him?"
Bilba grinned. "Oh, I have a few ideas."
She was married to Thorin after all, some of his craziness had to have rubbed off.
Bilba took Ori with her and entered Erebor, citing they'd be less likely to be seen if it were just the two of them.
Not to mention Thorin would never expect her to do something so flat out crazy.
Which, again, married to the guy so he totally should expect that but whatever.
"This place is so cool," Ori hissed and Bilba nodded in agreement. The inside of Erebor was designed as a series of platforms with steep stairs connecting them.
"What's that?" Ori asked, pointing up toward a large, circular platform high over their heads. It was suspended in midair with long bridges connecting it to the walls.
"Throne," Bilba answered. "Thorin likes to sit in it sometimes and order people around. They mostly ignore him."
Every so often they would do a scenario where Erebor had been taken over and Thorin had to reclaim it. Once, before Rule 3 had been instituted, Dis had positioned Bilba on the throne to pretend to be the leader while she had worked behind the scenes. Bilba was supposed to shoot anyone who approached, which should have been easy seeing as how there was no way to get to the throne without walking across the bridges in the open, unless you were Thorin and used a sniper.
Leading to the creation of Rule 30 – No snipers.
Regardless, that particular time what was supposed to happen was Thorin would walk across the bridge because he was a cocky bastard who was convinced his wife wouldn't be able to shoot him even though it was just a paintball and he was wearing armor and then Bilba would shoot him because it was just a paintball and he was wearing armor and he would never live it down and she would live in infamy as the person who took down Thorin.
That was what was supposed to happen.
What had actually happened was Thorin had walked across the bridge because he was a cocky bastard who was convinced his wife wouldn't shoot him even though it was just a paintball and he was wearing body armor and…annnnnnnnd….he was right.
On the flipside, he hadn't shot her either because, while he was a cocky bastard, he wasn't an idiot.
Instead he'd thrown her over one shoulder and simply walked back out.
Cocky bastard.
She frowned, looking up again toward the platform. She and Ori were currently heading down a long set of stairs toward the Treasury located on the lowest level. Usually Thorin would put someone up on the throne platform, hiding behind the fancy chair to surprise anyone coming in. They'd seen no sign of anybody though, apparently her husband didn't believe her capable of doing awesome things like coming into Erebor itself.
He probably thought she was cowering in Dale and he'd have to personally come after her…
Movement came from ahead of them, on one of the low platforms between staircases and then Fili was stepping out from behind a column, his marker already up and aimed at them.
…or maybe Thorin had simply decided to mix things up for a change so he didn't become predictable…
Damn it.
Fili hesitated for just an instant, trying to decide which of them to take out first, and Bilba jumped on it.
"IfYouShootUsI'llTellThorinYouDroveTheAudi!" She blurted, just barely remembering to keep her voice down.
Fili's eyes widened. "You said I could drive it!"
"Oh, like that matters," Bilba said. "You know how he is about that car. He barely tolerates me driving it."
Fili was gaping at her. "You – no – that's not-"
Bilba didn't give him a chance to work it out in his head. She darted forward, ducked under his marker and threw her arms around his waist.
"What are you doing?" Ori asked in confusion behind her.
Bilba turned her head as much as she could and grinned at the other woman. "Fili's one of Thorin's best players too. He's just as good as Dwalin." She tightened her grip on him as she spoke. Fili was twice her size and could get her off him if he wanted but not without hurting her in the process. She knew he wouldn't risk it so, as long as she was holding onto him, he was effectively trapped.
"Dwalin?" Fili said. "You wanted Dwalin? How did you think you were – oh, right." He studied Ori, one arm absently going around Bilba as he did. "I get it."
"You get what?" Ori said.
"Nothing," Bilba cut in. She unwound one arm and tugged on his arm. "Weapon, gimme."
Fili hesitated and then proceeded to give her a truly wicked grin. Bilba felt her own eyes widen as Fili calmly pulled the trigger on his weapon, sending a paintball sailing straight out to splat right on the red light in the center of Ori's chest. It immediately started flashing, registering a direct hit.
That…that was not how her epic and brilliant plan was supposed to end.
It just wasn't.
Clearly Thorin's underhandedness had rubbed off on his impressionable young junior bastard nephews.
Bilba smacked him on the chest, hurting her hand in the process because, armor. "You jerk! This was her first time playing!"
Fili was unrepentant. "I'm pretty sure she lasted longer than you did on your first game, or so the story goes."
Bilba glared at him, and made a mental note to challenge the entire Durin family to an Alpha War just to get a contract signed forbidding the telling of that particular story ever again.
Voices sounded from down below and it occurred to her that she might just have yelled at him using her outdoor voice and not her sneaking into enemy territory voice. She pushed on Fili until he turned around to face the direction of the Treasury. Bilba immediately put herself behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist again.
"Are you really using me as a human shield?" Fili asked.
"Shut up," Bilba ordered. "Shields don't speak."
Ori stepped up next to her, frowning at the paint splattered on her harness. "So does this mean I'm dead?"
"Unfortunately," Bilba said. "Fili could have just shot you in the arm but he's a jerk."
Fili snorted, "Says the woman blackmailing her nephew and using him as a shield."
"That's called strategy," Bilba muttered, then shut up as Thorin appeared walking up the steps, the rest of his team behind him.
Bilba spotted Dwalin and an idea formed. "Oh, Dwalin!" she called innocently, "I'm afraid Ori's been mortally wounded. Perhaps you'd be so kind as to escort her to the Treasury so she'd be more comfortable?"
Thorin shook his head, amused. Dwalin, meanwhile, had gone red. He nodded gruffly at Ori and she moved over toward him, shooting an apologetic look at Bilba as she did. "Sorry I wasn't much help."
"No worries," Bilba said brightly. "We play normal wars all the time so it won't be long before you can try again!"
Ori noticeably cheered up and turned to happily follow Dwalin down the stairs back toward the Treasury.
"So, Thorin," Bilba said smugly, "looks like you're the first one to be a man down."
"Really?" Thorin said, one eyebrow lifting. He leaned against a column, crossing his arms over his chest. "And how do you figure that?"
"Because Fili isn't out yet and I'm going to convert him," Bilba said happily.
"I could just shoot him," Thorin said.
"Hey!" Fili straightened in outrage.
"Rule 25," Bilba said in a singsong voice, "no shooting your own team members."
Thorin rolled his eyes. "This game has entirely too many rules."
"Well, that'd mostly be your fault now wouldn't it?" Bilba shot back. She tightened her grip on Fili and moved backward. He sighed and obediently moved with her.
Thorin frowned. "What are you doing? She's like a shorter version of a Powerpuff Girl. Just stand still. Better yet, walk over here with her, we can end this right now."
Bilba leaned over enough to stick her tongue out at her husband. "I won't forget that you jerk!"
He smirked. "You can punish me for it later, Sweetheart."
Kili, standing next to him, looked traumatized while Frerin was trying not to laugh and failing miserably.
Bilba felt her face go red hot and she jerked behind Fili again, grumbling under her breath as she dragged him backward.
"Alright," Thorin said, his eyes narrowing, "what's she got on you?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Fili said, innocent as the day was long. "I'm just being well mannered."
It was a pathetic excuse, even Bilba knew it.
Thorin looked even more suspicious. There wasn't much he could do about it, however. He couldn't shoot her with Fili in the way and he couldn't shoot his nephew thanks to the rules. He also couldn't rush her and try to drag her away from Fili for the same reason Fili couldn't break away, he might hurt her.
Being small did have its perks.
She squeezed Fili happily and continued dragging him back.
"I'm not a stuffed animal you just won at the fair," he said in exasperation.
"Silence," Bilba ordered. "Prisoners don't talk."
"Congratulations, Fili," Thorin called as he and Bilba started going up the stairs toward the upper levels, "you managed to get yourself kidnapped twice in one day. Good luck living that down."
Fili's only response was to sigh.
Bilba's was to happily squeeze him again.
She was an awesome kidnapper.
Bilba had no doubt Thorin wouldn't wait for an hour to pass. She wouldn't be surprised if he was already on his way, after taking a few seconds to come up with some insane, harebrained scheme.
"We should head out," Dis said, "before he comes into the city and blocks us in."
Bilba nodded absently. They were gathered inside, the doors shut and barred. Fili had been set on the floor against the wall, his hands tied in front of him using the rope that came in the small kit each team had been given. The kits included helpful items like extra ammunition, ropes, radios and emergency candy bars. Bilba was currently chewing on one while sitting on Fili's legs to keep him from trying to surge to his feet and run away.
"What do we do with Fili?" Bilba asked. "If we just leave him here he'll escape and come up behind us and it'd be a bit awkward to drag him around with one of us."
Dis grinned evilly. "Rule 12."
"Rule 12?" Bofur said in frown. "Rule 12 is we're not allowed to hide a team member in an attempt to win through default. What's that got to do with Fili?"
"He's not a team member," Dis said with a smirk. "He's a prisoner. It'd make perfect sense to hide him, and if he just so happens to still be there in an hour-"
"See?" Bilba said, "That's why I knew I was going to win. I had you on my team."
Fili groaned and lightly banged his head on the wall behind him. "I'm about to be profoundly bored, aren't I?"
Dis shrugged. "That'll teach you to betray your mother for a video game."
Much later, Bilba found herself crouching behind one of the blocks of stone on the plain, idly chewing on her lower lip as she listened to the total and complete silence that was everyone trying to be sneaky and shoot everyone else with high powered paintballs.
So far Thorin had lost Gloin to friendly fire when Oin, who didn't hear as well as he once had, had been startled at the wrong moment and had fired without thinking. Oin had then been picked off by Dis who'd followed the sound of Gloin yelling over being shot by his brother. Bofur and Bifur had somehow managed to take each other out and Thorin had picked off Nori and Balin and added in Dori and Bombur almost as an afterthought.
After each one, Vili had dutifully come on over the loudspeaker and reported each loss.
Bilba had been in one position and was starting to cramp up. She stood up and started to shake out her leg, only to shriek in surprise as arms suddenly grabbed her. Her back hit the stone slab behind her, hands holding her upper arms. She caught a brief glimpse of Thorin's face and then he was kissing her, one arm sliding around her back and dragging her body up against his.
The loudspeaker came to life. "Violation of Rule 2," Vili's voice reported, sounding resigned, "Row 13, Column 8. Temporary ceasefire."
Thorin pulled away and Bilba gasped in oxygen, her hands clutching at Thorin's arms. He grinned. "So, still unsure if I'm a fantastic kisser or not?"
"I might be willing to concede that point," Bilba said, still catching her breath.
"Good," Thorin said, clearly pleased with himself. He leaned in and pressed his forehead against hers. "Now, where was I?"
"Um," Bilba considered, "my tonsils, I think?"
Thorin frowned. "I thought you had those removed."
"They grew back," Bilba said.
Thorin looked confused. "They can do that?"
"Mine did," Bilba absently moved her hands along his upper arms as she spoke. Thorin liked to work out and, as such, was in exceptionally amazing, fantastic, superb shape.
Bilba very much approved.
"Hmm," Thorin said, "let me check again."
He started to kiss her a second time only to shout in outrage as Frerin and Dwalin were suddenly there, grabbing his arms and dragging him back.
As they did, Dis arrived and pulled Bilba away. She wailed, reaching out for Thorin. "Wait! I was interrogating him!"
"Knowing how many cavities he has won't help us," Dis said dryly.
"Hey!" Thorin shouted, overhearing. "I'll have you know I have perfect teeth!"
"He does," Bilba said sagely. "I can verify this."
Dis shook her head. "You two. The rest of us use Alpha Wars to settle arguments or exact vengeance. Only the two of you would use it as foreplay."
"We haven't been married that long," Bilba argued, "we're still in the honeymoon phase."
"I have a feeling," Dis said dryly, "you're going to be in the honeymoon phase for the next forty years, if not longer." She pulled Bilba around a stone slab and faced her. "It's almost been an hour. You should go get Fili. I'll try to hold the others off."
Bilba nodded. "Okay. Who's left?"
Dis raised an eyebrow. "Not paying attention were you? It's just me and you, and Fili if you can get to him. Thorin's still got Dwalin, Kili and Frerin."
"Oh," Bilba said, "that's not good."
"That," Dis said, "is why you need to go get my son unless you want to just apologize to Thorin now. If we get Fili it'll at least be three against four instead of two against four."
And one of those two being her, Bilba thought, which wasn't exactly helpful.
"Alright," Dis had brought the kit with her and had it sitting at the base of the slab she'd dragged them around. She crouched and retrieved the extra ammunition, shoving it in her pockets before nodding at Bilba. "Let's see how big a distraction I can be shall we?"
Bilba nodded, hefting her own weapon. "I'll be back soon. Hold out until then!"
"I'll certainly try," Dis replied.
Bilba collapsed on the stairs leading into the watchtower and leaned over, struggling to catch her breath.
Really, whose bright idea had it been to build the thing at the top of a freaking really steep hill?
Oh, right, that'd be the exercise nut she'd married.
Mr.-Why-Run-Six-Miles-When-You-Can-Run-Eight?
Of course, she couldn't complain about the results so there was that.
She checked her watch and noted the hour was nearly up. Taking a deep breath, she pushed to her feet, turned around and promptly groaned at the sight of even more stairs leading up into the tower. Seriously, she wasn't that out of shape. Maybe she didn't run as much as Thorin did but she still worked out.
Clearly she needed to start being a little more serious about it.
She made her way inside and trudged up the stairs, ending finally at the large room at the top. Half of the wall was missing, giving the tower the appearance of an old, half crumbled ruin. Fili was against one of the back walls, his hands still tied in front of him in one of the complicated knots only Dis could produce. He was staring at another portion of the wall and Bilba imagined he'd been passing the time talking to his father via one of the personal intercoms attached to the camera. Dis, she noted, had made sure to put her son in direct view of the camera in case he needed help for any reason.
It was a game after all and all of them took great care to ensure nothing ever resulted in injury. The occasional bruise or cut did happen but, so far, no one had ever been really hurt. Even Thorin, when designing the complex, had hired professional stunt people to come in and put in every safety feature they could possibly think of…and had then ordered them to think up some more and put those in too.
"About time," Fili said. "If I had to hear about how Dad and Mom met one more time…"
"You're just jealous," Vili's voice came over the loudspeaker.
"More like nauseated," Fili said back, "seriously, Dad, poetry?"
"It worked didn't it?"
Bilba rolled her eyes. "We're not talking about poetry, we're talking about beating Thorin."
"Are we?" Vili asked. "You might be in trouble with that. Dis managed to take out Frerin but she revealed her position in doing so and got tag teamed by Dwalin and Thorin."
Bilba froze. "And just when were you planning to tell me that?"
"Right now. Sorry, Bilba."
He was so not sorry.
Bilba untied Fili and then tugged on his arm. He stood up and she pulled him over to the ledge overlooking the outside of the tower. Below she caught sight of Thorin, Kili and Dwalin striding toward them. She had no idea how they'd known where she was…other than Thorin knew her a little too well…there should be a rule about using ones knowledge about ones spouse against them. She made a mental note to look into it, later.
"Don't move," she ordered Fili. She started to crouch, then had a better idea. "On second thought, you do this." She handed him her marker and pointed toward the three. "Take care of them for me."
He raised an eyebrow. "It hasn't been an hour yet."
"I haven't told Thorin about the Audi yet," Bilba said. "Besides, there are no rules against a player flat out turning traitor before the hour is up."
"True enough," Fili conceded. He knelt and raised the marker, aiming carefully. "Wait," he said, pausing, "there is a rule against shooting your own teammate."
Bilba frowned. "What about if you aim and I pull the trigger?"
Vili's voice came over the intercom. "Taking a page from Thorin's book now are we?"
Bilba ignored him. "Hurry," she hissed at Fili, "they're going to be out of sight!"
Fili rolled his eyes but obediently aimed. Thorin was blocked by Kili and Fili didn't want to shoot his brother so he aimed at Dwalin. Bilba knelt behind him and pulled the trigger, watching as the paintball flew out.
It hit Dwalin on the upper left arm, just barely managing to splatter on the light on his bicep. It lit up, symbolizing his arm being out of commission and he switched his marker to his other hand. Before he could do anything she pulled the trigger several more times, finally managing to get the light on his chest to go off.
"Your aim sucks," she said to Fili.
"My aim was perfect," he shot back. "Your firing sucks."
Something made a splat sound and Bilba felt cold flecks of something hit her face.
"Oops," Fili said beside her, "it's just possible we weren't crouched low enough."
He moved and Bilba felt her mouth drop open at the sight of paint covering his center light.
"It hasn't been an hour," she shouted at Thorin who merely raised his arm and watch in response.
"Hour and twenty seconds, Love, he's fair game."
Bilba looked at him and made a quick, strategic decision.
She ran like the wind.
She ended up in the ruins behind the tower. They were supposed to be the remnants of barracks and other buildings associated with the tower. Thorin had done an excellent job designing them and Bilba always found herself imagining them whole with people in them everywhere even though she understood logically the ruins had never been anything more than what they were currently.
She reached the outer edge of the ruins, located next to a fake frozen river that was comprised of actual frozen water because Thorin was a sticker for details and an overachiever, and knelt down. Her breath was coming faster and her nerves were refusing to settle down.
"You know I can't stand being chased!" she shouted.
"I do know that," Thorin's voice came from above her, "which is why I made it short."
Bilba screamed in shock, her heart leaping into her throat. Thorin jumped down easily from where he'd been standing on the roof over her, and she immediately leapt up, threw her arms around him, and buried her face against his chest which was sad since it was his fault that she was scared in the first place but, whatever.
She really did suck at these games, at least when she didn't have Thorin with her. She couldn't handle being chased or shot at without Thorin there to back her up. It was one of the main areas where she and Dis were different and where the two of them meshed so well as best friends. Dis would happily take on any and all threats, leading to her being suspended at least twice in school protecting Bilba from bullies. Bilba, on the flipside, was usually the one dragging Dis back at least a little so she didn't go too far and end up getting hurt, or expelled as the case may be.
Thorin was just as bad but there hadn't been many opportunities for him to have to really protect her in their adult years or for her to have to protect him from himself, aside from the wars at least.
Soooo…really…Rule 3 was kinda for her as much as it was for Thorin. He couldn't handle her shrieking without shooting everyone and she couldn't play at all, really, without him.
Damn it.
She tightened her grip on him and turned her head to the side, relaxing with a resigned sigh. Thorin had already wrapped both arms around her.
"Where's Kili?"
"Talking to Fili last I saw." He pulled back enough to grin at her. "So, is this a good time to tell you I got your ring off you the last time we met?"
She'd forgotten about the ring she'd shoved into a pocket. It was another, rarely used, way to win, adding a capture the flag element to the game. Effectively, it meant Thorin had won the second he'd gotten it but he'd kept playing because he was Thorin and it was what he did.
Bilba tilted her head back to look up at him and gave him a wide eyed look. "Well, I don't know, Thorin," she said sweetly, "would it be a good time to tell you I got your shiny, stupid Arkenrock off you when last we met?"
Honestly, why he insisted on naming the stupid thing she would never know.
His eyes narrowed and he put a hand in his pocket, checking.
Then he grinned, broadly. "Well done, you're getting better at this."
"I learned from the best," Bilba said.
He raised an eyebrow. "Does that mean I get credit for it?"
"Not on your life," Bilba quipped. "So, now what?"
Thorin shrugged. "I guess we could go look at the video and try to figure out which of us got the other's token first." He grinned. "Or we could disregard it altogether and go with who still has the most people on their team." A gleam entered his eye. "Or we could have a final showdown between the two of us."
Bilba chewed on her lower lip. "How about…how about I agree that maybe, juuuuuust maybe I might have been a teensy bit misguided on the kidnapping and you admit you were stubborn on the argument that started it all and shouldn't have taken off to stay at Frerin's for a week?"
"Not even two days," Thorin correctly dryly.
"Whatever," Bilba said. "Speaking of which, what was the argument about anyway?"
She might as well admit it, he clearly already knew she didn't remember.
He shrugged, "I believe it was about what the dragons on Game of Thrones should be named."
"Oh, that's right!" Bilba said, "You said-"
"Let's agree to disagree on that one," Thorin cut in, "we don't want to start all over again." He considered. "What about the other deals?"
"Still in effect," Bilba said. "I'll go with you to the stupid Super Bowl and all the rest, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah."
"Agreed," Thorin said cheerfully.
"Really?" Vili's voice came over the loudspeaker. "That's it? Admit it, you just wanted to have an Alpha War and Bilba just got in over her head."
"No comment," Thorin and Bilba said simultaneously.
With that Thorin slid an arm around Bilba's waist and they began to head back to the locker rooms. As they passed the watch tower Bilba saw no sign of Fili or Kili and frowned but didn't comment.
It wasn't until she got to the locker room that she stopped in surprise. It was empty, the open locker at the end open and a row of harnesses hanging up neatly. Everyone had not only already been through but they had left.
Bilba felt her spirits fall and her shoulders slumped.
Arms slid around her from behind and Thorin pulled her back against his chest, resting his chin on the top of her head. "What's wrong?"
"They all just left," Bilba said, looking at the ground. "First they forget my birthday, then they don't even wait to see how the Alpha War ended and then they don't even say good-bye."
"Hmmm." Thorin turned her around, put a finger beneath her chin and lightly lifted her head until he could look her in the eyes. "Who forgot your birthday?"
"You know who," Bilba said. "All of them did." She hooked her fingers through the straps of his harness and pulled on him. "Except you," she mumbled.
Thorin grabbed her hands and interlaced their fingers. "Are you sure about that? That they all forgot?"
Bilba gave him a dry look. "Pretty sure. No one called or texted or e-mailed all day."
"Maybe they were waiting for something," Thorin said.
"What?" Bilba asked.
Thorin only looked smug in response. "Come on, get changed. I'm going to go close up the control room."
He stepped away and then meandered out, tossing the Arkenrock in the air and catching it as did.
The Arkenrock that had been in her pocket five seconds earlier.
Bilba shook her head at her husband's antics but turned to get changed out of her harness and armor. Once done she tidied up the locker room and then sat on one of the benches.
Thorin came in a few minutes later and got changed as well. He hefted the gear in one hand and then snagged her around the waist with the other. "Shall we?"
Bilba nodded and they started out to the car. Thorin loaded everything and soon they were off again heading back toward home.
Bilba yawned and settled back against the seat with her eyes closed. It had been a long day regardless of what Thorin said and it had been a long night the night before.
She didn't rouse until she felt the car stop and Thorin's hand on her arm. She blinked, trying to clear her head, and sat up to see they had pulled into the driveway of their home.
Thorin got out and came to open her door and, as he did, Bilba frowned to see multiple cars parked there. "Why is everyone here?" she asked as she got out.
Thorin shut the door. "I don't know. Let's go find out shall we?"
Bilba gave him a suspicious look but obediently followed him inside.
The first thing she saw upon entering was Smaug, sitting in the center of the coffee table, glaring at her.
He did not like it when a lot of people came over, they tended to ignore him and it disrupted his belief that he was the center of the universe.
Other than him the room was empty.
"They must be in the basement," Thorin said, lightly taking her arm. "Come on."
"You're not going to lock me in the basement to get back at me, are you?" Bilba asked.
"Alpha War," Thorin reminded her, "we already took care of all of that, remember?"
They went through the garage and Thorin grabbed the doorknob to the basement and pulled it open. Bilba expected to hear everyone talking but, to her surprise, it was completely silent. The lights weren't even on.
"Are they not there?" she asked Thorin. "Where is everyone?"
"I don't know," Thorin said. "Let's find out."
He stepped behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. He guided her forward onto the top of the stairs and then reached over and flipped on the light switch.
"Happy Birthday!" a chorus of shouts rang out and Bilba gasped at the sight of everyone gathered in the basement below. Streamers had been strung up along with a giant banner wishing her a happy birthday. Presents were piled on the coffee table and, on the kitchen counter behind them, she saw a large cake. There was a pot boiling on the stove and she could smell several different delicious aromas coming from the kitchen.
Thorin wrapped his arms around her shoulders and leaned in close to her ear. "The plan was for me to take you to dinner and then bring you to the party at Dis and Vili's home. Imagine my surprise when it all got derailed by my wife deciding to get spectacularly drunk."
He nudged her gently down the stairs and Bilba went down to be immediately dragged into a massive group hug.
"It was so hard not to say anything!" Dis wailed, hugging her. "We expected to see you last night and spent the whole day getting ready so we never said anything. Then Thorin wanted to still do the surprise so we still couldn't say anything so you wouldn't get suspicious and it was awful!"
"It's okay," Bilba said, hugging her back. "The important thing is it's all Thorin's fault."
With that she turned around, threw both arms around his neck and kissed him hard. "Thank you."
He grinned and stepped back. "Alright," he said clapping his hands together. "Surprise Party 2.0 is ready to commence!"
With that the entire group launched into a rousing rendition of "Happy Birthday". Thorin stepped behind her again to wrap both arms across her shoulders and she leaned back against him, holding onto his forearms.
"What do you think?" Thorin's voice asked in her ear, "Alpha War against Frerin next to get any other copies of that video he might have?"
Bilba tilted her head back to look up at him. "You and me together again?"
"Absolutely."
She grinned. "You're on. Frerin won't know what hit him."
She nodded to herself and went back to listening to the others.
It would be epic, she decided…and wouldn't require any kidnapping which was always a plus.
Frerin would rue the day he crossed her, rue!
"I should skip the Alpha War and just make him babysit Smaug," she muttered under her breath.
Thorin chuckled. "Now that's just cruel and unusual, Sweetheart."
Bilba considered and then conceded. "Fair enough."
There were, after all, a few lines that not even Durins should cross.
A very few, but a few.
The song ended and the group broke up, some heading to the kitchen to work on getting dinner ready while others began rehashing the Alpha War. Bilba told them about how it had ended in a draw, much to their surprise, and Thorin immediately challenged them all to an Alpha War to prove he hadn't lost his edge.
Dis brought over the first plate, a delicious looking steak and potatoes, and Bilba sat down on the couch to take it. She studied the group gathered around her and let out a breath of happiness.
All in all, the whole kidnapping thing had worked out pretty well in the end.
Perhaps she should do it more often.
Though with less not-tea next time.
Much less not-tea.