Author's Note: I could have sworn Emily said the monster thing at some point, but I can't find it anywhere. If anyone knows what episode it was in, please let me know so I can stop feeling like I made it up lol.
Chapter Six: Just A Road
March 28th 2015, 9:33pm:
Within minutes, they were storming along the highway, and though it had been months since she'd found herself in that parking structure, pondering the benefits and effects of running, JJ felt like she'd finally gotten her wish.
For most of the journey so far, she'd kept her hands still and the proximity between them at a feasibly safe distance. But as they crossed over the Arlington Memorial Bridge from Virginia and into DC, and the bike slowed to the legal speed, she found herself tentatively slipping her hands further around Emily's waist, until they were rested against her tummy.
Like before, the brunette tensed, and yet JJ, too lost to curiosity, didn't remove her hands. If anything, she planted them more firmly against the abdomen beneath, and fully closed the barely existent space between them.
Emily felt different from this angle – much slimmer, much stronger. With each corner they turned, she felt every muscle in the brunette's back tense and simultaneously, every inch of her own body tense. But what hypnotized her the most, and had become only more prominent now that her stranger was no longer a stranger, was Emily's scent.
She didn't know what it was, but Emily had always worn the same brand. She'd smelt this fragrance practically every day for the past ten years… and yet, right in that moment, it felt haunting and somehow, too, new. It comforted her, even as it muddled her mind; it left her questioning, even as it provided the answers; it prompted her to release her grasp, even as something screamed at her to stay put.
But she couldn't stay put. God, she shouldn't even be on this damn bike. And as they rounded the Lincoln Memorial, she looked up to the road ahead and felt this sudden dire need to jump from the vehicle, because braving the burn of the asphalt seemed a far better prospect than taking a trip down the literal memory lane they were fast approaching.
Then, out of nowhere, Emily yelled- "Hold on!" -and promptly sped up.
They took Constitution Ave probably faster than the speed limit permitted, and JJ abandoned her prior reservations and clutched onto Emily like she was the only thing keeping her from becoming as blurred and hazy as the world zooming by them.
Her chest, without warning, heaved, and no matter how deep she gasped, she couldn't seem to pull in enough oxygen.
"Emily!" She forced, her hand instinctively reaching up to push away her helmet. She needed air. She needed- "Emily- please- I need to stop!"
With that, Emily took an instant right, pulling into the byroad that fronted the Washington Monument. The moment the bike came to a halt, JJ jumped from it, simultaneously shoving the helmet away and dropping it and herself to the grassy bank surrounding them.
On her knees, she clutched at her chest and fixed her eyes on the flags fluttering in the light breeze. She counted them, and continued to count them even as her breathing steadied, even as Emily appeared behind her and, just like in that restroom, rubbed circles against her back.
"Why did you take that route?" She eventually forced out. She hadn't ventured anywhere near Constitution Ave since she'd been snatched from there two years ago, and Emily knew that.
"Because it's just a road, JJ…" Emily replied softly, shifting her hand to JJ's lower back where she ran her thumb in short, soothing lines. When JJ looked to her, something devastated and disbelieving in her eyes, she continued. "If you want to remove a shadow, you have to go to its source. You can't just erase everything that that shadow falls upon and hope it'll make a difference because it won't."
"You mean like you did?" JJ shot back, clear bitterness in her tone for the way Emily had blindsided her. "Ian Doyle is dead and you still live like he's alive."
"Ian Doyle isn't the source of my shadows, JJ." Emily responded easily, her hand reaching up to brush a strand of hair from JJ's face. Tucking it behind her ear, she left her palm against the blonde's neck. "But you know that already."
JJ's eyes narrowed minutely, something Emily had once said while on a case flashing to the forefront of her mind: She fell in love with a monster - I can relate to that.
"You fell in love with him." She deduced quietly. "You fell in love with a monster. The source of your shadows, to you, is yourself."
Emily didn't respond verbally, only licked her lips and cocked her head to the side, but kept her eyes fixed on JJ.
"If the source of your shadows is yourself," JJ began, happening upon a startling – and achingly relevant – question, "how do you erase that?"
Emily smiled gently, and slinked into a sitting position. "You run yourself into the ground so hard and so fast that you almost kill yourself, and in the process you destroy everything that ever meant anything – including the faith you once had in yourself."
JJ made no effort to hide the hurt on her face, until she realized that Emily wasn't mocking her recent efforts at self-destruction, but admitting her own.
"And then you realize that it's not about erasing the shadows, but learning to live with them." Emily continued. "And you can live with them. You have to. Because the only other option is not living at all, and there's still so much beauty in the world."
With that, Emily pressed her fingers to JJ's chin and encouraged her to look right, to where the sun was setting over a 555 foot obelisk.
If the picturesque view was meant to be beautiful, JJ didn't see it. No… she saw it, but she didn't feel it. Three years ago, she would have sat here all night, until the final rays of sunlight had dipped beyond the horizon, and she would have spent every second of it in awe of Mother Nature. Right now, all she found was frustration. Because it was beautiful, but it was the kind of beautiful seen through a lens – this should have felt real, but it didn't. Nothing did these days. Not permanently. Except…
She looked back to Emily, and Emily looked to her. She dropped her eyes to Emily's lips, and felt her heart begin to race. She flicked her gaze further down, to the leather jacket covering the brunette's torso, and then to the bike parked several feet away from them and felt the flames in her chest burn out. That wasn't real either.
"Or rather, that's the more favored slant on things." Emily interrupted JJ's thoughts, a small twinkle in her eyes. "The truth is, the world is bleak and miserable and soul-sucking and you have to find your own beauty in it. And somehow keep ahold of it when that world tests you. You accommodate for your shadows, adjust your life accordingly. Just enough so that you can still live, even while partially being dead. That better?"
And that, right there, was exactly what provided JJ with the only authentic thing she'd known in months: the fairytale might not have been real, but Emily was real.
Allowing herself to sink down to grass beneath her, she lay back, slipped her forearm beneath her head and fixed her gaze on the sunset that she was supposed to be seeing beauty in.
When Emily, a second or two later, did the same alongside her, except on her tummy, she returned the brunette's authenticity with her own. "Garcia thinks I've gone from one extreme to another, and she thinks I need to take steps towards living again."
Emily cast her eyes briefly to JJ, and then returned them to the view before them. "I don't think she's totally wrong."
"But she doesn't know." JJ replied, her eyes fixed more firmly on the sunset in an attempt to prevent Emily from seeing the tears that had formed there – or, perhaps, to prevent the tears altogether. She didn't deserve them, because it wasn't her who would have lost something had she actually been successful in her efforts to end her life. "She doesn't know where I went, not really. She doesn't know how consuming it was." Pausing for a moment, she pondered her words, and when she spoke again, her voice was somehow quieter. "She doesn't know that only half of me wanted to come back."
When Emily looked across to JJ that time, she didn't look away. Instead of explaining why those words were so poignant to her, because JJ probably already knew as much, she opted to encroach upon possibly risky territory. "Maybe, actually, she knows you didn't come back."
JJ instinctively shot a defensive look to Emily. How could she say that? She was here; she was trying every damn day.
But then just like that, her gaze softened. Because it was true, wasn't it? She'd just gotten so used to people tiptoeing around her that she'd forgotten what it felt like to hear the truth.
Looking back to the monument, she nodded slowly. Emily was right. There were pieces she'd left behind; pieces she probably wasn't getting back; pieces she'd found that she'd give anything to exchange for the pieces she'd lost – if only so those damn concerned glances would stop.
"They miss you, JJ." Emily said softly, rolling a blade of grass between her fingers. "You're there in waves and doses – that little playful spark in you proves you're there somewhere. But there's a wall… we can all see it. They miss you."
"You don't miss me?" JJ smiled, an attempt to lighten the mood, and Emily visibly struggled.
She opened and closed her mouth, her dark eyes searching even as they remained fixed on the grass between her fingers. When she attempted to speak for a third time, something clearly took her breath away and her words came out both pained and relieved. "I'm just glad you're here."
Emily's fumble hadn't gone unnoticed by JJ, and actually, it quickly earned the brunette the number one spot. Witnessing the look on Garcia's or even Reid's face as they made either direct or indirect mention to her suicide attempt had nothing on this, and she instantly reached out and pulled herself against Emily's arm. An apology of sorts, or perhaps even a promise - not just to Emily, but to all of them.
Like before, Emily tensed with the physical contact – JJ had expected as much. Something told her Emily hadn't had someone this close to her simply for the sake of being this close to her in a very long time. And when the brunette finally relaxed beneath her touch, JJ wrapped herself tighter around her arm and snuggled closer, realizing in that move alone that it had been far too long since she'd been this close to someone just for the sake of being close to someone.
When Emily lowered her mouth to the top of her head then, not in a kiss but just to further close the gap between them, JJ felt the whole world stop.
It wasn't in that wondrous way they talk about in romance novels; it was nothing to do with romance. It was just that, in that second, she wasn't rushing to keep up and she wasn't clinging to remain steady – she just was. Essentially, the world had stopped, and she was so ungodly relieved for the peace that accompanied it.
"That wall…" Emily said, brushing her lips briefly over JJ's hair. "I think, behind it, are the parts of you that you acquired when you ventured a little too far. The parts of you that you think are better left behind that wall. But when I say they miss you..."
JJ looked up, and Emily looked down.
"I mean that they… We just want to know what you're hiding. People evolve with life experiences, and you're not letting yourself evolve. You're trying to devolve."
"Isn't that what you all want?" JJ asked plainly, though with a slight hint of sadness. Would there ever be a day where she'd finally satisfy every one of them? Where she was once again enough for them to just take a step back and trust her? "For me to be the bright and bubbly person I once was?"
"No." Emily replied easily. "We just want you to be happy like you once were."
I'm happy right here, right now, JJ thought, but didn't verbalize such things, mostly because she couldn't understand how she could go to the ends of the earth, the very fringes of her mind searching for peace, and it have been under her nose all along. So instead, she shifted her head back into the crevice beneath Emily's chin, and studied the last few rays of sunlight on the horizon.
Her unspoken response marked the beginning of a ten minute silence, and that was just fine. It was a quality she cherished in most of her close friendships – the ability to sit in silence – but in that particular silence, she allowed her mind to wonder with as much freedom as she would if she were alone.
It wasn't like anyone could actually hear her thoughts – even if profilers were the closest things to mind-readers - but sometimes, especially recently, her thoughts were a little too complex to be pondered anywhere but in solitude. It wasn't like Emily could actually hear her thoughts; but, even if she could, JJ realized, that would be okay.
That was the difference. That was new, and yet, actually, it had always been that way. It was the reason Emily knew things about her that Garcia didn't. It was why, she now realized, she'd made no effort to inform Garcia of the little revelation that had come to light today – because something that complex was only safe in Emily's hands, even if she couldn't technically go to Emily with that complex something.
But that was fine too. Because in that moment, it didn't feel so complex.
Of course, true to form, with that realization she shifted a little, reducing her grip on Emily, almost like the peace and simplicity felt a little too good to be true – or a little too true to be good. She could easily fall for that peace, but she wasn't naïve enough to believe it could be a long-term fix, and she'd dabbled enough with addiction already.
"I'm sorry…" She uttered quietly as she shifted away. "For like…" She closed her eyes and inwardly shook her head at herself. "Perving on you."
"Don't be." Emily replied with an easy smile, and pulled JJ back to her original position. "I think we both know you wouldn't have perved on me had you actually known it was me."
JJ didn't respond. They both knew Emily was right – friend zones didn't just apply to male-female relationships. But was it possible that, with a little trick of the mind, the zone had been breached? She suddenly found that she didn't have a solid answer for that question.
But what she did know was this: in that mildly awkward position, with her eyes fixed on the sunset and Emily's face smooshed against the top of her head, she finally felt the beauty she was supposed to be witnessing. More than that… she wasn't clutching, she was holding.
And then Emily's phone rang.
Emily barely moved as she took the call, and once that call was over, all it took was one simple sigh for JJ to know exactly what it meant.
"Of course." She groaned, pushing herself up, and brushed the grass from her pants.
From her sitting position, Emily instantly reached out for JJ's hand, pulling her down a little, and made a promise. "One day, when he lets us go, we're just going to run as fast as we can – preferably to somewhere where there's no cell reception."
JJ looked briefly, accidently to Emily lips… and then smiled. "Run? Why run when you have that thing?"
Emily looked across to her bike, then back to JJ, surprised. "You'd actually ride it again?"
"I think so." JJ frowned. "I mean…" She shrugged, mimicking something Emily had said earlier. "If you're in control, everything's just fine, right?"
Emily swallowed, her lips parting briefly and dumbly, before finally she nodded. "If I'm in control… Everything's just fine. I promise."
No truer words had ever been spoken, JJ soon found. As they sped along the highway towards Quantico, she relinquished her control entirely – wrapped her arms around Emily's waist, relaxed fully into her and breathed for the first time in two years.
It wasn't lost on her that the last time she'd felt this liberated, the last time she hadn't been fighting something, the last time she'd been so at peace, had been four months ago. On that night that had been supposed to be an end, but had instead gone on to mold her future, she'd felt all of that. It should have scared and it did scare her, but it also prompted her to consider her own narrative from a different perspective:
Had that night really marked an end, or actually a beginning?