8.

"So you're literally going to stand there all night?" she asked her partner, who had walked to her hotel room to check that it was properly locked, and was now leaning against the wall next to the door. How serious was he exactly about standing guard?

Elliot shrugged.

"Whatever helps you sleep, Liv."

"I don't know if I want to sleep."

"I dare you to stay awake. Something tells me your painkillers are starting to kick in."

He wasn't wrong. Her eyes were beginning to droop, but the thought of losing control of her own senses - again - made her anxious. She had passed out several times during the hours Lewis had had her, and waking up again had been a regular nightmare each time.

Hey sweetheart. Did you miss me?

There she is. Not so tough now, huh, without your badge and gun.

Lewis had taunted her with her badge and at one point, he had turned on the stove and dumped her badge in her frying pan along with her house key and a coat hanger, that he'd bent completely out of shape first. She had remembered the crime scene photos of Mrs. Parker's apartment and ...

"Do you think you could just lie down, see how it goes?" Elliot asked her, and she startled out of her disturbing memories.

Olivia could see Elliot visibly bracing himself for her reaction. For her rejection. It was painful to see. Was she really that difficult? She felt a lump forming unexpectedly in her throat and almost panicked. She couldn't have that again. She wasn't going to cry. She swallowed, hoping the emotion behind that lump would dissolve for now, and nodded. Maybe lying down wasn't such a bad idea. Her body was exhausted. She would just rest but stay awake.

"Just talk to me for a while?" she asked Elliot while scooting under the covers.

Elliot approached the bed again and took the extra pillow she'd been clutching from her hands. He sat down on the foot of the bed and put the pillow in his lap.

"About what?"

"Anything. Normal things. Tell me about Eli. Is he going to school yet?"

Elliot smiled and Olivia tried to relax while he started telling her about his youngest child. Eli was five already. The day of his birth was ingrained in her memory forever and it was hard to believe that the tiny, squirming baby she'd held against her chest in that ambulance, was already riding a bike and playing soccer with his friends in the playground of his school. She thought of the boy with the blonde curls and the bright blue Stabler eyes and when her eyes drooped closed, she envisioned him laughing and having fun. It was a nice image to relax to, to watch innocent children play. She could almost hear the cheerful playground sounds, as if they were right outside her window.

Olivia imagined walking across the playground, smiling as the sun warmed her face. This was what a childhood was supposed to be. At this age, she had been innocent too, not even fully aware yet that not all mothers were as angry as her own. She watched the children play for a while but then felt as if a dark shadow was cast over the scene. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end instantly and she was aware of his presence even before she heard his voice.

"You were broken even then, Olivia. You've always been broken."

Her eyes shifted to a young girl, maybe four years old, who was sitting against the wall of the school all alone, watching the other children play. She knew who that child was. Her arm was in a sling. She remembered. It hadn't been that she didn't want to play, or even that she wasn't welcome to join in. But she often had these injuries that kept her from being carefree like the other children. Because she was so clumsy, so her mother had told the teacher.

And then suddenly, Lewis was there. He stepped into view from behind her, gun in hand, and walked up to the younger version of herself. Olivia wanted to stop him but she found herself frozen in place, unable to move or do anything. She wanted to shout No but her voice wouldn't cooperate. It was as if she wasn't really there, but she was just watching a movie. All she could do was watch how Lewis grabbed the little girl by her good arm and yanked her to her feet.

…

She had fallen asleep.

Elliot watched his partner for a while. Her breathing had finally evened out and she was lying on her right side. Her mouth was slightly open, her right hand was resting on the pillow while her left arm was almost dropping off the mattress. He wanted to lie down and rest a little too, but it didn't feel right to join Olivia on the bed. He stood up and was careful not to make any noise while he toed off his shoes and grabbed an extra blanket from the closet. He draped it on the floor next to Olivia - as close to her as he could be without being on the bed. He used the extra pillow and hoped he wouldn't cool off too much without any covers. He was still wearing the same suit pants he'd worn to work the previous day, there had been no opportunity to change. He had been eager to see the kids after work. When he returned to Manhattan, he had been eager to get to Olivia's and after freeing her, he had been even more eager to make sure Olivia was safe at the hotel, to get his chat with IAB over and done with and then to get back to Olivia. All he had done was switch his bloodstained jacket for an NYPD sweater before heading to IAB.

He lay down on his back and stared up at the ceiling, listening to Olivia's breathing. He had a hard time getting the images out of his head of her, duct-taped to a chair and severely beaten and burned, and he knew it had to be a thousand times worse for her. She had been at the mercy of this maniac and that wasn't going to sit well with her. It was a miracle that she was able to relax enough to fall asleep at all. Based on his training and experience, he knew that the worst was yet to come. Gradually, things would start to sink in. That's why he hoped she would get as much sleep as possible now, before the sleepless nights would begin. He could only hope she would allow him to be there for her then, like she had allowed him to stay tonight.

When he finally managed to relax a little bit, he was suddenly on high alert again when he heard Olivia groan. He opened his eyes and looked to his left where he could see her arm on the edge of the mattress, waiting for any further movement on the bed. Olivia groaned again, and he heard a muffled 'no' fall from her lips. She was dreaming. Elliot wondered if he should try to wake her up but decided to wait for a minute to see if maybe she'd settle down again, because she really needed the sleep. But then she groaned again and her breathing picked up.

…

The serene scene on the playground had turned into a horror movie. The little girl was crying but Olivia couldn't hear her. All she could hear was her own heartbeat ringing in her ears while the scene before her unfolded. The other children continued to play as if nothing was wrong and even the teachers looked the other way.

"It's always been like this, hasn't it?"

Lewis's voice seemed to be coming from all around her and the words he'd spoken to her back in her apartment haunted her.

"Nobody ever really saw you, did they? So why even show yourself at all anymore, right?"

"But I see you, Olivia. I see you … You wanna be this big, strong police officer, but deep down, you're still just a scared little girl."

Lewis was caressing the girl's cheek with his gun now, tracing the outline of her face until he pushed the barrel under her jaw.

"Nobody ever came to save you …"

Olivia reached out again, trying desperately to walk up to them but she felt like she was walking through quicksand. She wanted to yell and kick and scream but she couldn't. She couldn't save the little girl. She couldn't save herself …

…

Olivia let out a strangled sob and Elliot was on his feet now. She wasn't going to settle back down but he wasn't sure how he should wake her up. He didn't want to startle her by touching her but when he sat down next to her, his hand found her shoulder almost automatically. He could feel how hot and clammy she was through several layers of clothing.

She jerked against his touch and Elliot quickly retracted his hand, calling her name instead.

"Liv. Olivia … wake up. You're having a bad dream."

"You think this is just a bad dream, don't you? But maybe this is more real than anything you've ever done …"

"Hey, it's okay … it's okay. You're safe now."

"You think you're safe now? But you know, I'll be in your head forever."

"Wake up, Liv, please …"

"I am an agent of change, nailed to the trajectory of people's lives. They might have hopes and dreams before they meet me, but then ... Then they run into me, life as they knew it is gone."

Lewis laughed then, an evil glimmer in his eye as he pushed the barrel more firmly against the little girl's neck. The panic in the girl's eyes was evident and she was looking straight at her. Lewis's voice was cold when he added,

"Maybe that's for the best in your case."

And then he pulled the trigger.

Olivia shot up and let out a blood curdling scream that ripped Elliot's heart in half. She almost sounded like a wounded animal and he had wrapped his arms around her before he could even think about it. Olivia was wheezing, clutching his sweater with both hands but she was clearly not awake and in the present yet.

"No, no, no," she cried, the first tears making their way down her heated cheeks, and her shoulders shook when she dropped her head into her hands.

She wasn't pushing him away and Elliot rubbed her back gently with one hand, hoping to coax her back to the present. Olivia was inconsolable and he'd never seen her like this in his life. He knew she had her demons just like him, but she never fully let go. He had only seen her really go off on a perp once, and that was during that whole mess with Simon. She had finally found a living relative and it was all going to hell. But even then, she had been nothing like this. He had never seen her cry before. She was sobbing and crying as if her life depended on it, gasping for air from time to time, but there was no stopping it now that the floodgates had opened. After a few minutes he actually became worried that she was going to choke on her own grief. Her sobs were growing more muffled and she gasped for air more frequently through her mouth, her nose already completely congested by now.

"Liv … Olivia," Elliot coaxed, trying to sound soothing, but even he could hear the growing concern in his own voice.

Olivia hiccuped, making a feeble attempt to stop crying but when she stopped breathing for a few moments, holding her breath, Elliot panicked.

"Olivia, breathe!" he said loudly.

He knew he was startling her but at this point he didn't care. She had to keep breathing. Olivia let out a soft wail as she exhaled and lifted her reddened, puffy eyes to his for a moment. Elliot felt like crying with her when he saw the grief-stricken look in her eyes. She was pleading for help without saying the words and without hesitation, Elliot pulled her against him, cradling her head and pressing his cheek against hers.

"I've got you Liv. I've got you," he whispered a few times. "I'm here."

Hesitantly, Olivia wrapped her arms around his waist but once she was holding on to him, he knew she wasn't about to let go. She was clutching him now, holding onto him for dear life, not crying as loudly as before and somehow, her quiet grief cut him even more deeply. Her breaths came out in hot puffs of air against his neck and she let out soft sounds of agony each time. Her body was trembling and her shoulders were still shaking but after what seemed like hours, she finally spoke.

"He killed her."

Elliot wasn't sure he'd understood her correctly but before he could ask, he whispered again,

"He killed her. And it was me."

"What? Who? Olivia, who are you talking about? Who did he kill?"

...

She knew it had been a dream. She knew that now. She was in a hotel room and her partner was there. Lewis was in a hospital or maybe he was already in jail. He wasn't there and he hadn't shot the little girl. Her past self … And yet she couldn't shake the feeling that maybe he had. Or maybe he might as well have. All of her pain from the past had bubbled to the surface. He'd brought it all back and she was drowning in it. She had fought so hard to overcome her upbringing and her disturbing ancestry but had she, really? Had she overcome anything if the pain could still swallow her whole like it was doing now?

When the gunshot had rung in her dream, she had felt it. It had been as if she herself had gotten shot, even if she saw the little girl sink down to the ground, her blood splattered all over the wall behind her. She knew it had been Lewis's end game. He was always going to kill her. She just couldn't wrap her mind around what she had just experienced. Wasn't she supposed to feel dead inside now? But she didn't feel dead inside. There was this excruciating pain that almost made her panic as she tried to claw her way back up to the surface.

She was clinging to Elliot desperately, begging him wordlessly not to let go of her. She barely recognized herself in this state but all she could think was that she couldn't let herself drown. She had to fight.

"I wanna live."

The words were coming from a deep place inside her, having been buried under so many layers of shame and doubt and pain, that they had never seen the light of day before.

Elliot was saying something and she repeated on a gasp,

"I wanna live."

...

A/N: Different circumstances but the same words. I can hear her say them so clearly! And they mean even more here ... to be continued.