Chapter 17 - IMPERIALISTIC TURD PALPATINE confronts Anakin and Luke

Luke

"NOT FUCKING NOW!" Leia screamed, using the force to push some white supremacist stormtroopers out the door. "I'M BUSY YELLING AT MY LUKEWARM SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE FATHER FOR FREEZING MY BOYFRIEND IN CARBONATE."

My dad Anakin had gone very still, but he was not looking at me or Leia. "I sense…" he paused and shuddered, "ITS THAT IRRELEVANT MELT PALPATINE," he whispered in a scandalised voice. "I must confront him," he continued in the voice of Rosa Luxembourg.

"But… why?" asked Leia, looking very puzzled as though someone had suggested that it was possible to have ethical consumption under capitalism.

"Because it is in the script," replied Anakin sternly even though it actually wasn't.

"I'm coming with you," I cried anarchistly and together we rushed off down some white supremacist corridor leaving Leia to rescue Han. We ran back to the freezing chamber where I could sense a decadent and imperialistic presence. It was dramatically dark and full of steam looking exactly like something you might see in the set of a science fiction film from the 1980s.

Anakin and I ignited our hammer and sickle lightsabers in unison and their glorious red glow illuminated the corners of the dark room.

"Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design," croaked the shrivelled gherkin in the corner monarchistically. "The force is with you young Skywalker but you are not a Jedi yet," he continued culturally appropriating my dad's line.

"I don't want to be a Jedi you dementia patient," I cried revolutionarily stepping forwards towards Palpatine who used the force and rudely pushed me aside in a very bourgeois fashion.

"Anakin… you must join me," he began as his hands began to untie the scrap of fabric that secured his dressing-gown thing that he always wore. They trembled, either out of corporate lust or because of his Parkinsons.

"I WILL NOT BE SEDUCED BY A FUCKING IMPERIALIST TURNIP SUCH AS YOURSELF!" cried Anakin quoting from Das Kapital as he raised his fist in solidarity with the workers of the galaxy.

"So you have elected the way of pain!" screeched Palpatine transphobically quoting lines from THE WRONG FRANCHISE as blue lightning emanated out of his corpse-like arms in a very Thatcherite manner which my dad easily blocked with his lightsaber. I sensed my opportunity and used the force on some random pipes and shit, blowing the anarchocommunist smoke right in Palpatine's asthmatic face who fell backwards but managed to steady himself.

"Your destiny lies with me, Sywalker. Obi-Wan knew this to be true," cackled Palpatine imperialistically at Anakin, his voice echoing around the chamber much in the same way that 4chan users use echoes to perpetuate antisemitic tropes.

"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF OBI-WAN!" roared Anakin in the VOICE OF THE PEOPLE lunging at Palpatine who ignited his racist lightsaber and began to fight Anakin. I watched in horror as they fought ferociously, edging closer and closer to a large opulent stained-glass window adorned with religious imagery that was clearly used as the opiate of the people to sustain their oppression.

"Dad look out!" I cried proletarianly but it was too late, Anakin and Palpatine had fallen through the window shattering glass everywhere like the shattered dreams of people whose labour is exploited by capitalism.