"Do you have a death wish?" Jace asked, forcing himself past me and into the house.
I stood there, dumbfounded. Maybe I was actually still asleep and this was all just a vivid dream.
Jace reached around me, roughly closing the door and cutting off the chirping of the chickadees. His arm brushed against mine, and the tingle left in its wake, like a million little pinpricks, told me this wasn't a dream at all.
"What?" My brain was still trying to process the fact he was here, and his words had gone in one ear and out the other.
"You sold out your brother, who already has a vendetta against you in case you've somehow forgotten, and you refused police protection?" His voice got progressively louder. "Have you lost your fucking mind?"
His yelling pulled me from my stupor, and I whirled on him. Every emotion I'd been feeling—the hurt, sadness, self-hatred, all of it—turned itself into a burning rage that threatened to incinerate me alive until there was nothing left of me but a little pile of ash.
"Don't you dare!" I screamed. "Don't you dare come here acting like you care about what happens to me. You lied to me, Jace. You used me. And you got what you wanted." I jammed a finger into his chest. "A Morgenstern in handcuffs. Assignment over. You can stop pretending like you give a shit. Or have you and Agent Lightwood not gotten enough information out of me yet?"
"You don't know what the hell you're talking about," Jace argued, pushing my hand away and thrusting his own into his messy curls.
"Oh? So you didn't start a fake relationship with me in order to get dirt on Valentine?" I challenged.
He groaned in frustration, his hands gripping his hair and his eyes directed at the ceiling. "Yes, but—"
"Then why are you here, Agent Herondale?" He cringed at the name. "Is this not a conflict of interest? Wouldn't want you to put your precious case in danger."
I'd spent so much time wishing to hear from him, but I didn't like him being here. This house was a reminder of a time when I'd been happily living in ignorant bliss of how ugly and unfair the world could be. I'd found comfort, and sorrow, in the old memories. With Jace standing there, the present clashed with the past in a way that threatened to overwhelm me. If I didn't keep the two parts of my life separate, I was afraid I'd sink deeper into the quicksand that was already slowly crawling up my legs.
"It would be a conflict of interest if I were still part of the Bureau," he said.
I crossed my arms, waiting for him to elaborate.
"I quit, Clare," he explained quietly. "Yesterday was my last day."
"So this was all some big bang for you to end your career on?" I laughed bitterly. "Afraid you won't be able to top it?"
"Goddammit, you're not understanding me." He closed the space between us and gently gripped my upper arms, bringing his face inches from mine. "I quit for you, Clary."
"You quit. . . for me," I repeated slowly.
"For us," he said. "I don't want to stay away, which means I had to leave. They wouldn't let me speak to you as long as I was still with the Bureau, so I've spent every day finishing paperwork and handing over evidence. As of this morning, I'm officially out. I came straight here."
The anger came back, white flames engulfing me. Did he really believe I would just welcome him back with open arms? No explanation or apology needed? I shoved him away and took a step back. "You lied to me, Jace. Our whole relationship was based on a lie. And you haven't even apologized for that! You don't get to do this. You don't get to just quit your job and magically make everything okay."
"I'm sorry, Clary, okay?" He tugged at his hair. "I'm sorry I lied about who I was, but I never lied about loving you, and it physically hurts me to think about my life without you in it."
"You need to leave," I said, my voice icy and sharp. I was not letting him do this. Not right now. He might have been hurting, but that was his own fault, not mine.
"I know you still love me, too," he continued as if I hadn't spoken. "Even if you never actually said it, I know."
"I fell in love with Jace Wayland. I have no idea who you are." I opened the door and gestured toward it. "Now please leave before I have to call the sheriff."
During those days of silently pleading to hear from him, I'd expected some sort of grand gesture. I thought there would be tearful apologies and honest answers. I thought he'd grovel and beg for my forgiveness. He did none of that, and while his words about love were pretty, they weren't enough.
He walked out the door and stopped on the porch. "You do know me, Clare. You know who I am in here." He placed a palm over his heart. "I'll respect your wishes and leave, but I'm not giving up on us."
I closed and locked the door without another word, resting my forehead on the cool wood and only stepping away when the sound of his tires on the gravel faded.
I didn't hear from Jace again for a while, and I wondered if his visit had been an empty gesture. That thought only served to deepen the hurt. I shouldn't have cared about him after everything he did, but my heart didn't want to listen, as usual. He claimed I knew him, but did I really? The only thing I knew for sure was that he had played me and betrayed my trust, leaving me to sift through the shattered pieces of my life and try to find a way to superglue it back together.
There'd been no word from Jonathan either, which was more worrisome. I'd received a few updates from Agent Lightwood, but my brother had yet to contact me himself. So far the media had been quiet about it, but Sebastian and Aline had also been taken into custody, uncovering a whole new scandal. They'd been working together to double-cross my father and brother, and a few of the missing shipments had been linked to them. Other members of The Circle were being brought in left and right, and I wondered how much of the organization was left. Maybe Jonathan didn't have the backup necessary to mess with me at the moment. That didn't mean he wasn't biding his time, though. He didn't have much else to do but plot how to get back at me while he awaited trial.
With Simon in town for a bit, I'd taken to having dinner with him and Mrs. Lewis. Our brunch excursion after Jace's little visit hadn't been terrible, but we'd definitely drawn everyone's attention. In small towns, people might not shove cameras in your face, but they know how to talk, and it'd been difficult to ignore the whispering and stares. We'd decided to get together at his mom's house moving forward, and the dinners gave my life some semblance of normalcy. Unfortunately, Simon couldn't stay in town forever and had to return to the city for work eventually.
After seeing Simon off with a promise to call if I needed anything, I came home to find a gift-wrapped package on my porch. I briefly questioned if it was my brother making his first move, but I recognized the handwriting on the envelope taped to the silver paper. I considered just leaving it there and even made it inside before turning around and picking the box up.
It sat on my kitchen table for a few days. Despite how curious I was, I didn't know if I was ready to see what Jace had left for me. Instead, I spent those days doing what I should have done years ago: cleaning out the house.
I packed my childhood and early teen years away into boxes and trash bags. Old toys and gadgets, clothes I'd outgrown, photo albums, crayon drawings, middle school art projects, stuffed animals, outdated CD's, and movies I no longer liked. My heart ached, realizing how much of it had come from my father when he was taking care of me well before I even knew he existed.
Some of my old stuff would be stored in the attic but most would be donated or tossed, and I separated everything into their corresponding piles. When all that was left were Jocelyn's studio and personal belongings, I had to take a break. I wasn't ready to face all the feelings going through her stuff would bring up. Being reminded of the father I'd lost had been hard enough.
That was when I decided it was time to open Jace's package. My life had become a balancing act between confronting the demons of my past and the demons of my present. When I felt like I could no longer handle one, I turned to the other.
Inside the envelope was a basic, mint green greeting with a message written in neat script.
You said you don't know who I am. Hopefully this changes that.
-J
I tore off the wrapping paper and gently opened the flaps of the cardboard box to reveal dozens of photos and pieces of paper. What appeared to be a photocopy of his real license sat on top. Jace Herondale. Just Jace, not Jason. Born January 18. Real address across the city from the one I knew.
The first photo was of a beautiful blonde couple holding a newborn in a hospital room. I flipped it over and discovered a handwritten note on the back.
I was born on January 18 to Celine and Stephen Herondale at Idris Hospital. I was their first child and would be their only.
Lifting the box from the table, I moved into the living room and set up camp on the floor with a bottle of wine. This wasn't going to be a casual look through some photographs. Jace was laying out his entire life for me.
I took my time going through the photos and reading his notes. There were pictures of him and his parents. With his childhood friends. On his first days of school. Prom pictures. Soccer and baseball shots. He even included report cards and newspaper clippings. I lingered on a particular pair of clippings: an obituary for Stephen Herondale and an article about a robbery gone wrong.
Jace's father, a real estate agent, had stopped at a corner market one night after work when someone pulled a gun on the cashier. Stephen died trying to intervene. According to the date, Jace would have been around seventeen at the time. The yellow sticky note attached simply read, The reason I went into law enforcement.
After that were college acceptance letters, scholarship packages, and graduation photos. He had passed on hefty sports scholarships to attend a small university and pursue criminal justice. From there, he joined the FBI. There were pictures of him and Alexander Lightwood, whom he called Alec, during college, then both of them at Quantico before ending up back in New York at field office.
I flipped through a few more recent photos of him. Mostly with Alec; Alec's sister, Isabelle; and Alec's husband, Magnus. Pictures of them at bars, backyard barbecues, weddings, and family holidays.
At the end was a photo of Jace and me from a trip we took to Coney Island. He'd been appalled to discover I'd never been and took me the very next day I had off. We'd asked a passerby to take a photo of us in front of the Wonder Wheel, but I'd never seen it until now. I had my arms wrapped around Jace's middle, my head leaning on his chest as I smiled at the camera. His arm was around my shoulders, but instead of looking at the camera, he was looking down at me with a soft smile on his face.
With trembling hands, I turned it over to read the message on the back.
Me with Clarissa Adele Fray. She has become more important to me than I ever could have imagined. I know I fucked up and hurt her, but I will never stop loving her. I hope one day she can find it in her heart to forgive me.
Attached was a pale orange sticky note with a phone number and the words For when you're ready written on it. I removed the note before placing the photo back with the others and closing the box. I wasn't sure what to do with it now, so I left it on the coffee table. I'd been given a lot to think over, and I would likely want to look through everything again.
I walked into the kitchen and placed the sticky note on the fridge. I wasn't ready to talk to Jace just yet, but I knew the time would come.
She didn't slam the door in his face right away like many of you hoped for, but there's also no instant forgiveness here.
Hope to have the next chapter up within a week. I wrote everything out before I started posting, but I've realized the rest of the chapters and ending are going to require a lot of cleaning up/editing.