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Rabb Residence
Early February
2013

The snow was beginning to accumulate and their little neighborhood in Alexandria looked like a scene right out of a snow globe or a Hallmark Christmas movie. Harm and Caroline had just pulled into the driveway, and not a moment too soon. He wasn't afraid of driving in snow by any means, but having Caroline in the car as his precious cargo was enough to make him a little uneasy about the weather. He was also hoping the snow would take a break for a few hours at least. Mattie was coming home to spend the weekend with them, and the thought of her driving in weather like that worried him.

"Can we build a snowman?" Caroline asked as Harm pulled into the garage and turned off the car.

"I don't think we can do that tonight, Itsy-Bitsy. It's too dark and too cold. Maybe tomorrow."

Caroline sighed dramatically. "I don't like when its dark when I get home from dance class."

"I don't like that, either," Harm agreed as he unbuckled his seatbelt and went to open Caroline's door. He watched as she unbuckled her car seat. Then, he reached across the back seat and grabbed his briefcase and Caroline's little pink gym bag.

Caroline pushed open the door to the house and announced, "Mommy, we're home!"

Mac was already in the kitchen. "Hi, sweet girl. How was school and dance?" She asked as she walked over to help Caroline take off her coat, hat, gloves, and boots.

"It was pretty good. We did number trees in math and that was neat...and dance is always fun."

"Good," she kissed her forehead. "Why don't you go upstairs and change into your pajamas," Mac suggested.

"Before dinner?!" Caroline was surprised and her eyebrow arched in the same manner as her mother's would as she crossed her arms over her chest.

Harm watched with a smile as he placed the bags on the floor.

Mac nodded. "Well, Mattie is coming home very soon, so we thought we would have a pajama pizza party and movie night while we have dinner."

Caroline's eyes lit up. "I'll go change right now!" She exclaimed happily as she ran off to do just that. "This is the best day EVER!"

Mac deposited Caroline's belongings in the basket by the door and gave her husband a kiss as well. "You look happy, Sailor," she commented after they separated.

"I am happy, Mac."

Mac smiled as she tugged him towards her with the intent to work the buttons of his overcoat. "Me too."

He flashed a smile as he snaked his arms around her waist and Mac abandoned her task. Instead, she inhaled deeply and took comfort in the warmth of his embrace. It always managed to soothe her in the best possible way. She was never one to think her love language would ever involve physical touch in the past, but after nine years of not being able to touch him like that, it quickly became one of her favorite things.

"I talked to Marie today," she said after they slowly pulled away from each other. "She would love to help us with the adoption."

"That's great!"

"You and I should go through and gather some pictures this weekend to put with the adoption questionnaire." Harm furrowed his brows, and Mac continued with the explanation. "Marie said she'll take care of having it turned into a little book to send out to the adoption agency. It's a really thoughtful idea, and I told her I may have to steal that idea and start doing it with my clients."

"A book, huh?"

"Yeah," Mac nodded, "like a scrapbook of sorts. It's to supplement the questionnaire and the introductions so prospective birth parents and families can get a better feel for how we are as a family, you know?"

He nodded.

"Oh, and I talked to Mattie a little bit ago. She said the roads aren't too bad and she should be here in about a half hour."

"I still worry about her driving in this," Harm said as he shrugged off his overcoat and jacket and walked down the foyer towards the coat closet. "I hope she checked the tread on her tires."

"She said she knew that you were going to say that. She assured me that she did check, and that Josh gave it his seal of approval, too."

Mattie, now in her twenty's, was doing so well these days. She worked hard in school, maxed out the number of credits she could take every semester, took summer classes, and managed to graduate with her undergrad in exercise science only a semester behind schedule. She was accepted in the doctorate of physical therapy program at The University of Maryland and was close to graduating. Her relationship with Andrew the sailor fizzled out, and she was currently pretty serious with police officer named Josh. He was a year or so older than her, and they had met when Mattie was shadowing his physical therapist for one of her rotations. Josh had sprained his ankle in the charity Fire vs Police Charity Basketball Game, and had earned himself several weeks of physical therapy to recondition the muscles before he'd be able to be back on patrol and not just on desk duty. When he was no longer a patient, he had asked Mattie out for dinner, and the two had it off rather well.

"Well," Harm began as he crossed his arms. "Maybe that would make me feel better if we met the guy."

"Be nice, Harm," Mac warned. "They haven't been dating all that long. I'm sure we'll get to meet him soon enough."

"They've been dating for months," he countered.

"No," she corrected, "they were talking for a long time, first. They really haven't been dating all that long in the scheme of things."

"Talking?" Harm questioned as he finished hanging up his jackets and closed the closet door. "What the hell does that mean?"

"It's the part where people talk, text, hang out, and develop feelings before they officially start dating."

"So, basically, dating."

"Not quite."

"I really don't understand this younger generation, Mac," he shook his head. "How'd you become so versed on the current dating lingo?"

She shrugged. "I asked Chloe about it and then I did some additional research on the internet."

"So, you're the cool mom that's up to date with all the current trends, and I'm just the old school dad that doesn't have a clue?"

"If the shoe fits," she teased with a shrug of her shoulders as she brushed past him and made her way up the stairs. "Besides, talking was basically what we did for nine years before we decided to get married." She called over her shoulder.

A short while later, a pajama clad Harm and Mac were returning to the kitchen as the front door opened.

"It's just me!" Mattie called as she entered the house, set down her overnight bag, and shook off the snow.

"MATTIE!" Caroline skipped down the foyer and threw her arms around her sister's legs. "Hi!"

"Hi, Sis! I missed you so much!"

"I'm so happy you are here for movie night, too! I don't like that you live far away."

"I wouldn't miss this for the world," Mattie said.

Mattie knew the real reason for family movie night was to talk to Caroline about adoption – Harm and Mac had talked to Mattie about it a few days ago when the drove up to Baltimore to have dinner with her. They told her they wanted to adopt a baby, and that they wanted to know what she thought about it.

Mattie, like everyone else – Trish, Frank, Bud and Harriet –was thrilled that they wanted to adopt. They had all been very supportive and offered to help in any way that they could. Mattie had been particularly understanding and told them that what they did for her changed her life, and she was so excited to be included on this journey with them.

Mattie had asked if she could be there when they explained adoption to Caroline, and Harm and Mac realized that would be a good opportunity to explain to Caroline that Mattie was adopted, too.

Unlike the day Caroline asked why Harm called her papa "Frank" and not "Dad," she never asked why Mattie called them "Harm" and "Mac" instead of "Mom" and "Dad." They figured that it was probably because Mattie never really addressed them by name in Caroline's presence, and if she did, she would say "mom" and "dad." So, it was natural that Caroline wouldn't think anything of it.

"Hey, you aren't in your jammies yet, Mattie," Caroline pointed out.

"Well, I couldn't drive here in my jammies, silly."

"Yeah, that would be silly," Caroline agreed. "Hey, will you camp out with me in my room tonight? Dad can get us the sleeping bags! Pleaaassssee!"

"Caroline," Harm began. "I'm sure Mattie would prefer to sleep in a bed..."

"Nah, it's okay," Mattie interrupted. "We can camp out in your room, Caroline. We can make a tent and use sleeping bags and sing silly songs...maybe even have a pillow fight!" She whispered the last part dramatically as if it were some type of big secret.

"Oh, goodie! Are you gonna change now so we can start movie night?"

"Yes, in just a minute," Mattie assured the child.

"I'll go wait by the TV," Caroline announced before going to the family room.

"I'm glad I get to be here for this," Mattie said after exchanging hugs with Harm and Mac.

"We're glad you're here, too, kiddo." Harm said.

Mattie reached in one of her tote bags and pulled out a book. "I happened to come across this at the bookstore last night, and I thought it might be useful for tonight, but you don't have to use it if you don't want too..." She handed the children's book Beginnings: How Families Come to Be by Virginia Kroll over to Mac.

Harm looked over Mac's shoulder as she read the title of the book and then flipped it over to read the description on the back.

"I read it last night," Mattie continued. "It explains all the different ways families come to be. It's really inclusive it talks about birth families, adoptive families, single parent families, foreign and domestic adoptions, foster care and guardianship, too."

"This was so thoughtful, Mattie. Thank you," Mac said. "I think I may end up keeping this at my office, too."

"I just figured since it covered all the different types of adoptions that it would be a good way to start the conversation about how you guys adopted me."

"You're pretty smart," Harm said with a smile.

"I know, right?" Mattie quipped back with a smirk.

After they had watched one movie, Cinderella was what Caroline picked, and ate their dinner, it was time to take a break to clean up. The little "intermission" was the perfect time to read the book Mattie brought with her.

"Okay, Itsy-Bitsy," Harm began as they were all filtering back into the family room. "Mattie brought us a special book to read before we start the next movie."

"I like books," Caroline said.

By now, everyone was seated on the couch, Caroline sitting on Harm's lap, and Mattie to his left, and Mac to his right. Harm opened the book and he, Mattie and Mac each took turns reading one page at a time until the book was finished.

"That was nice story," Caroline commented, casually, and her parents couldn't quite tell if she grasped the concept of the story.

"Yes, it was," Mac agreed. "All the kids in the story had a family that loved them, even if they came to be with that family in different ways."

"I have a family that loves me," Caroline said.

"You sure do," Harm said.

"I found a family that loved me," Mattie offered.

Caroline furrowed her brow. "We have the same family."

"We do now," Mattie continued. "But that's because your mommy and daddy adopted me. My mom died when I was almost a teenager, and my dad couldn't take care of me the right way. I was living on my own and doing everything all by myself, and then your dad found me. He promised me that I'd never be alone again..."

Caroline's face lit up. "Daddy's promises are special!"

"They are," Mattie agreed as she nodded her head. "And, well, it took a couple years before they were able to officially adopt me, but that didn't change how much they loved me. So, now they are my mom and dad, too, even if I call them "Harm" and "Mac" and not "Mom" and "Dad" sometimes..."

"Well, that's good 'cause I'm glad you're my sister." Caroline began to process this new information in more depth. "Was I adopted?" she asked.

"No," Harm shook his head.

"You grew in my belly," Mac answered.

"But you love me and Mattie the same?"

"Yes" and "absolutely," came the simultaneous answers from their parents.

Harm continued. "We wanted to talk about adoption with you, because Mommy and I want to adopt a baby. We want to know how that makes you feel. You see, somewhere out there, a lady is going to have a baby, and for whatever reason, she's going to decide that she can't raise that baby, so she's going to place it up for adoption. That means that baby will need a home and people take care of him or her, and Mommy and I want to be those people. That would make you would be a big sister to a little brother or sister. Do you have any questions for us?"

"Oh." Caroline said, flatly. "So, my baby brother or sister won't be in Mommy's belly?"

"No," Mac shook her head, trying to think of a way to explain it to Caroline. "There can't be another baby that grows in my belly. I had to have certain kind of surgery, and because of that, there isn't a way for a baby to grow in my belly anymore."

"There was a baby in your belly before."

"Uh, yeah, you were."

Caroline shook her head. "No, there was another baby, too."

"Um, well, yeah," Mac stammered – clearly frazzled that conversation turned to Audrey.

"Do you, uh, remember that?" Harm asked, his brows furrowing.

"I just remember that there was a baby in Mommy's belly, but she went to Heaven and I couldn't play with her, but sometimes she visits me in my dreams and we can play then. Everyone was really sad for a long time and Mommy cried a lot and didn't come to see the airplanes with us."

"Oh, honey," Mac shifted on the couch and pulled Caroline from Harm's lap on to her lap and hugged her to her chest. "We didn't know that you remembered that." She said softly against the child's hair before kissing Caroline's temple. "We can talk about your sister anytime you want to, okay, Sweet Pea? Don't ever be afraid to talk to me and Daddy about something. You can talk about her any time you want," Mac assured her.

"I tried to be real good...really I did. I'm sorry if I did something bad and wasn't a good sister."

In the first few weeks after Audrey's stillbirth, Caroline had asked pretty much every day why the baby wasn't in her mommy's belly or why she wasn't in the bedroom the painted for the baby. Eventually, however, there came a time when Caroline simply just stopped asking questions, and Harm and Mac figured that – since she was only three and a half years old at the time – that she just forgot. So, when they did talk about Audrey with each other, they were always very careful to do it when Caroline was not around.

Harm reached out and squeezed Mac's shoulder and then moved to gently rub Caroline's back. "You didn't do anything wrong, Itsy-Bitsy. Do you understand? None of that was anyone's fault, and it especially wasn't your fault."

"Sometimes sad things happen, and there isn't any explanation for it," Mac continued. "That's what happened when Baby Audrey died. Even though she doesn't live with us in the house, she will always live in our hearts and be a part of the family. Always."

"So, I wasn't a bad sister?"

"No, Itsy-Bitsy. You are not a bad sister."

"Okay," Caroline said simply, "I was just wondering."

The comment knocked the wind out of both of her parents, and neither one really knew what to say. Instead, it was Mattie who spoke next.

"I can promise you that you are the best sister and I'm so happy you're my sister. Whatever new sibling we have will be so lucky that you're their sister, too."

"I won't mind sharing you cause you're a good sister and everyone should have a sister like you."

"Everyone should have a sister like you, too," Mattie smiled. "Now, why don't we go make some popcorn and Mom and Dad can pick the next movie?"

"Deal!" She exclaimed happily and as she climbed off of the couch and ran towards the kitchen.

Later that night, after giving Mattie and Caroline the sleeping bags, Harm returned to the master bedroom to find Mac sitting in the middle of the bed and staring absent mindedly across the room at the wall.

"Mac?"

It took her a moment to realize he called her name before she turned to look at him. "Yeah?" She finally responded, her voice cracking slightly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked gently as he took a step towards the bed.

She shook her head. "No," she said softly, "but I know I should." She rolled over to face him as he slipped into the bed. The need to be close to him was magnetic and many moments passed as she tried to gather her thoughts. "I just don't know," she sighed heavily. "I'm questioning everything now."

"About the adoption?" He asked, tentatively. Their conversation with Caroline took a little detour, but didn't think that it spiraled so much that an adoption would be off the table now.

"No," she shook her head as her fingers stroked along his chest. "I still want that – so much. I'm just...I'm...well...I'm..."

"Questioning how we handled explaining Audrey's death to Caroline?"

"Yes. She was so little then, Harm...we asked the child therapist how to handle it, but what if we messed up by not acknowledging Audrey around her after she stopped asking questions about the baby? What if this whole entire time she blamed herself and we had no idea? That's a huge burden for such a little girl. And, well, what if something goes sideways and the adoption falls through? I don't want Caroline thinking that's her fault."

He wasn't a stranger to that concept – used to ask his mother when he if he did something wrong and that's why his father didn't come home. Harm sighed heavily and pulled her tighter to him.

"I've been thinking about that, too, since our little talk this evening," he admitted. "We just have to be honest with her and answer questions about the adoption process if that happens. And, for the record, I don't think there was a right or wrong way to handle what happened when Audrey died." His mind flashed back to the night he came home from the hospital alone and had to explain to Caroline what had happened to her sister. "Mac...that night I told her..." he trailed off for a moment. "I don't think she knew mentally what was going on, but I think she could feel something. I just can't describe the energy that night with her. Hell, I don't think it can be described...it was just something that could be felt."

"Really? You never mentioned that before."

Honestly, if Mac possessed the gift of being able to find him in the middle of the ocean, it wouldn't surprise him one bit if his daughters shared some unique connection of their own, especially after Caroline's comment about playing with Audrey in her dreams.

"Those first few days were uncharted and after that I didn't know if it would help you to know or hurt you to know. It was a judgment call on my end, I suppose. I'm sorry if I made the wrong decision."

"Truthfully, I don't know how I would have reacted to that news. I wasn't really thinking like myself then." She moved so she was resting her palms and chin on his chest and studied his face. "Are we terrible parents? How did we not know Caroline remembered Audrey? I am her mother...I should have known."

"Well, we aren't perfect. No one is, but we aren't terrible either."

"What if this trauma of Audrey dying haunts Caroline her whole life? What if we do have an adoption fall through and she is haunted by that as well? What if the baby we do adopt ends up resenting the fact the they were adopted? We can normalize it all we want, but some experts would argue that all adoptions are traumatic...I don't want to fail them."

"We won't," he replied confidently. "As long as we love them, we won't fail them."

She smiled softly at him and then chuckled when Mattie and Caroline could be heard giggling and singing from down the hall. "Thanks for doing life with me, Harm. You're the only one I can imagine doing this with."

"Right back at ya, Marine." He leaned in to kiss her.