Trigger Warning - Emotional Abuse

Chapter 7 Spinning Carousel

Regina had just dismissed the last class of the day and was wiping the board clean, her back was turned to the door when she heard heels clicking on the hardwood floor. Warning bells went off in her head. She was expecting Emma, but the sheriff of Storybrooke absolutely did not wear heels. She quickly turned and her heart clenched in her chest as she saw who her visitor was. Red hot anger flared up from within. Was the fight at dinner last week not enough for her? Was she back for round two?

"Mother?" she asked, an eyebrow raising in a questioning manner. For some reason being in her lecture hall helped her keep the Professor Mills persona she often carried. Perhaps because being in her element often brought that side out in her. Although, since leaving Leopold she had become softer and her students and coworkers had noticed the slight change in her. She was still strict and expected a lot from her students, but she wasn't so scary anymore.

"Regina," Cora greeted cooly as she approached her with an air of indifference. She looked around the room with disgust. "Tiny lecture hall you have here," she commented.

"Why are you here!" Regina snapped, her red lips practically snarling. She had zero patience after last week.

"I wanted to talk to you without that insufferable sheriff meddling."

"I don't want to hear it mother, and don't insult my partner."

"Your partner." The words rolled off Cora's tongue like a bad taste. "You plan on marrying her? Playing happy family and being lower class for the rest of your life?"

"Did you really drive all this way to lecture me on status?" Regina scoffed.

"No, actually," Cora said with a roll of her eyes. "Your father apparently gained some courage and demanded I tell you that I have no right to keep you from seeing him and he'll have lawyers involved if I don't comply. You can visit whenever you wish."

Regina sighed in relief. Her greatest fear that had her tossing and turning every night since their fight was finally lifted from her shoulders. Her hostile gaze softened into gratitude for her mother.

"Thank you mother," she said softly.

"Thank your father," she answered, her tone harsh and her eyes cold as she looked Regina up and down. She was trying to intimidate her and Regina had to stop herself from shrinking back. She wasn't that fearful child anymore. "Where did I go wrong with you?"

"You are what went wrong with me!" Regina hissed angrily, her dark eyes hostile once more as she thought about the mental repercussions she suffered thanks to years of emotional abuse suffered by her mother's hand. "I've never been enough for you!"

"Leave now!" A voice suddenly boomed from the doorway. Both women looked up to see Emma furiously making her way down to them. Cora shook her head in disbelief and then looked back at her daughter. She knew she was outnumbered, but that didn't stop her from throwing another dig at her daughter.

"One day, you'll thank me for everything I've done for you. Even if you threw it all away," she sneered. "After all that I sacrificed, this is how you repay me?"

"Enough, Cora!" Emma growled, standing beside Regina and taking her hand in support.

Regina squeezed her hand gratefully. Thank her for everything she's done? For the abuse she had to suffer from Leopold like she somehow deserved it? What kind of mother wishes that kind of life on their child? Was she supposed to just stay quiet and take it all for the sake of status? Or do what her mother did and emotionally abuse her husband for power.

No, she will never be her mother.

"You don't control me and you don't control my life," Regina said, her voice shaking in anger. "I don't want to see or speak to you. At least not for a while. I could never be what you want and I could no longer allow you to berate me for it. Go. Now."

Cora just looked at her in shock. Emma looked so damn proud as she kept eye contact, almost as if she were daring her to try something. The older woman scoffed, the anger in her eyes dangerously flickering.

"We'll see," she growled and then stormed out of the lecture hall.

The moment she was gone, Regina seemed to have collapsed from within. Her walls came crashing down and the anxiety she had suppressed in the moment shattered like glass. Emma saw it happen before her eyes. She saw the deep anguish in her eyes as if years of abuse washed over her. Years of mental torment swept through her like the current of a river. She did it. She stood up to her. And then before Emma could even say anything she went from anxious to emotionless as if she put a mask of indifference on. Her dark eyes were empty. She seemed as if she had steeled herself from feeling anything.

"Regina?"

"Henry will be out of school soon." She couldn't even look Emma in the eyes. She turned toward her desk to gathered her things. As she was about to move past her, Emma stopped her with a hand on her arm. She was emotionally shutting down and she wasn't going to let Regina drown as Archie had called it.

"We have time," she said softly. "Can you please look at me."

"I don't want to talk," her voice shook as she finally met Emma's worried gaze. "I can't…" She was terrified of the emotions swirling inside her. She was terrified of letting them out so she held them in. She refused to let Emma see her break down. To see the pain and fear her mother had invoked in her for years.

"Ok, that's fine," Emma nodded. "But please don't shut down on me. Remember, you're allowed to express what you feel." Regina nodded, although she still refused to let everything bubble to the surface.

They headed over to Grannies in silence. Regina was practically numb the entire drive, barely even saying two words. Emma was worried. She knew Regina had trouble expressing herself. She knew she was conditioned by Cora and Leopold to keep quiet and to bottle everything up. Now it was a matter of helping her learn to open up and express her emotions without suppressing them.

They had a few minutes before Henry was due to meet them after school and Emma hoped she could get her to talk a little before he arrived. Even though Regina found it within herself to stand up to her heartless mother, Emma could still see the anxiety flickering in her eyes as if she were expecting Cora to pop out of the shadows and berate her some more. Emma was glad she never grew up with a mother like that. Who put wealth and power and status before her daughter's happiness. They chose a booth at the back. Emma ordered hot chocolate while Regina ordered some coffee.

Emma could see the slight tremble of the brunette's hands as she took a sip from her mug. She knew she needed Regina to open up a bit. To help her put her feelings and emotions into words.

"There was a time I believed them," she started, sipping her hot chocolate and watching those brown eyes look at her in confusion. "Each time I wound up in a bad foster home, the foster parents would tell me I would never amount to anything. That kids in the system never make it. For a while I believed that." She knew how it felt to be told how much of a disappointment you are and that you'll never amount to anything. Sure, their circumstances were different but they experienced the same emotional trauma to some degree.

"What changed?" Regina asked, finally coming out of her anxious state.

"I met someone when I was skipping bail. Well, she was actually the bail bonds person that was taking me in. She taught me that I make my own destiny. That I am responsible for making myself into something. And she was right. She helped me find my armor."

"I think I found mine today," she whispered. "The strength of my family helped me stand up to her."

"It was all you," Emma encouraged. "You found it within yourself to push back."

"You and Henry helped me believe," she nodded as Emma reached out and placed her hand on hers. "I know what she said isn't true and the way you and our son love me is what makes me believe I am more than what Cora will ever believe I am."

"That's right," Emma whispered, raising her hand to her lips and kissing her knuckles. Regina smiled at her. Baby steps, Emma reminded herself and then decided to ask her the question she knew that will get her to open up more. "How do you feel? You kind of shut down for a moment."

It was such a loaded question and Regina slowly pulled her hand back. She wasn't used to expressing herself so freely. She buried her hands in her lap. Emma saw the anxiety in her expression like the question had scared her.

"I… I'm not exactly sure," she stammered. "Relieved, but also anxious I guess. Like I'm expecting her to come back. I didn't mean to shut down, Emma. I just needed to process everything. "

"That's ok," Emma encouraged her. "You're opening up now."

"It's tiring," she admitted with a soft sigh. "After Cora stormed out, I felt like I was in some kind of shock. All the hurt and pain was coming to the surface and instead of breaking down I held them in. I was afraid to let them out."

"Why is that?"

"Because doesn't it make me weak?" she whispered, her voice trembling and her eyes welling up with unshed tears. Emma looked at her in shock, surprised at the term that fell from her lips.

Weak.

"Never," Emma stated sternly without a second thought. "She taught you to control your emotions. She taught you to hide behind a mask and never let yourself feel. She is the weak one."

"Maybe you're right, Swan." A tear escaped and slid down Regina's cheek and she quickly swiped it away. Emma reached out and gently placed a hand on her cheek. Regina leaned into the comfort.

"I wish she can see what I see," Emma continued, wishing Cora was the mother Regina deserved and the mother she herself had dreamed of having while growing up in the foster system. "I wish she could look at you the way you look at Henry."

Regina gave her a sad smile.

"How can she when she doesn't have a heart?"

Soon enough Henry arrived with Mary Margaret. Regina's eyes widened as they made it over to their booth. Regina saw them before Emma did. Emma looked at Regina's guarded expression and then turned in her seat to see her former roommate walking up to them. She turned back to Regina to see she was once again shutting down. Her posture was tense, back straight and eyes looking cooly at the young teacher. It was like she put on a mask.

"Hi moms!" Hery hugged them each before plopping down beside Regina.

"Hey, kid how was school," Emma asked.

"It was ok," he shrugged.

"Mind if I join you?" Mary Margaret asked.

"Yes," Regina hissed, her eyes shining with hostility.

"Regina!" Emma admonished, but was she really surprised at this point? Regina never held back when it came to Mary Margaret.

"No, Emma it's ok," she answered, her words trembling. "I just wanted to talk to you about the wedding. David and I actually want to travel for our honeymoon. Instead of spending so much on the ceremony, we're going to do something small. Which means it's just going to be David and I and the officaitor of course."

"Wow, that's a big change from the venues and dresses you were planning," Emma observed.

"We couldn't agree on some things which led to an argument and then we realized it's not the ceremony that matters. What matters is us taking that next step as husband and wife and plus we want to spend our wedding funds on an actual trip."

"So no fairytale wedding for Snow White and her Prince Charming?" Regina practically sneered, her voice dripping with venom.

Emma shot her a "cut it out look". Mary Margaret just looked at her former stepmother thoughtfully. She didn't let the anger and animosity get to her. She ignored the snide comment as she continued with what she had planned to ask them. "After losing my mother and with my father in prison, you three are the only family I have left. I was hoping you could be my witnesses in the ceremony."

"Mary Margaret," Regina spoke up before anyone had a chance to answer. Her voice lacked any kind of warmth or emotion. Her dark eyes bore into her former stepdaughter. "Emma and Henry are your family, but you and I were forced into a mother daughter dynamic by your father. We are not and never will be family. I can not be a part of this."

She didn't stick around to hear anyones reactions, especially that of Mary Margaret's. She stood and walked out of the diner. It took everything she had not to break down with fury right in the middle of main street. She and that insufferable princess will never be friends. They will never be family after everything that had happened. Why couldn't anyone understand that?

Looking as defeated as she felt, Mary Margaret sat down beside Henry. She was trying so hard and it felt like every step forward came with two steps back with Regina. She had no idea how to even mend their beyond broken relationship.

"Why do I even try," she groaned.

"You're not the type to give up," Emma gave her a sad smile. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't apologize for her," Mary Margaret sighed, obviously stressed about what had just taken place. "She has a right to her anger. What my father did to her was despicable."

"But don't you think her anger towards you is misplaced?"

"What does that mean?" Henry spoke up and both women turned to the anxious ten year old. He looked so worried for his mother.

"She's angry at the wrong person without realizing it," Mary Margaret explained. "She's angry at me for everything that has happened when all that anger should be directed towards my father and Cora."

"Oh," Henry slumped in his seat. "Is she going to be ok?" He looked towards the door as if expecting her to come back. Emma stood, getting worried as well. After the confrontation with Cora, and the way she had emotionally shut down, Emma knew she shouldn't be alone right now.

"I'll go find her. Do you mind staying with Henry for dinner and then bringing him home?"

"Of course not," her friend smiled and then her expression became haunted as she thought of Regina. "Let me know if she's ok?"

"Of course," she nodded and after assuring Henry once more that she would find his mother, Emma stepped out of the diner. It was with brutal realization that she found she didn't have a clue as to where to even look for Regina. She looked up and down the street as if expecting her to be out here waiting. Unfortunately, she was nowhere to be seen. She took out her cell and tried calling, but it only went straight to voicemail.

Damn, she turned off her phone, Emma realized. Where would she go?

She decided to check the docks first. She knew Regina wouldn't have gone home if she was avoiding people. Once she arrived, she parked the yellow bug and was relieved to see a familiar figure sitting on the bench and looking out into the ocean. She immediately had the sense of deja vu. The last time they sat here was the morning Regina finally let her help her. She had been sitting here with fractured ribs and no hope.

"You turned off your phone," she said, getting her girlfriends attention. Regina turned and looked up at her with annoyance before turning her gaze back to the ocean.

"I don't want to talk anymore or talk about my feelings," she growled out angrily. Emma sat beside her, but didn't initiate any physical contact.

"Alright, then we'll just sit here. Either way, I'm not leaving you alone."

Regina scoffed with a roll of her eyes.

They sat in silence, neither one of them saying anything. As they watched the waves crashing into the shoreline, Emma could feel the anger that had been radiating off the other woman start to simmer down. She looked over to see those brown eyes staring into the ocean as if she were lost. The moods Regina went through in the span of a few hours was enough to give Emma whiplash. She could only imagine how Regina felt. She wished she had the expertise to help her better, but she didn't. She knew Regina needed to continue seeing a professional.

"Are you upset with me?" Regina suddenly asked and Emma looked at her in confusion.

"Why would you think that, love?" she asked and Regina sighed in frustration more so at herself. Her brown gaze slowly tore itself from the ocean and into green eyes.

"For being a bitch with Mary Margaret…"

"I'm not upset, just concern," Emma assured her. "I know you were stressed out about your mother."

"Either way, I meant what I said to her."

"Don't you think you're being too harsh with her?" Emma asked carefully, not wanting to spark an argument, but also not wanting to brush it under the rug.

"Well how do you expect me to react!" she snapped and then her gaze softened when she saw Emma flinch at her tone. "I'm sorry," she whispered, looking down at her hands.

"Regina, I don't expect everything to be ok just like that. I know you two have so much hurt between you. I know we talked about this before. I understand where your pain stems from, but you need to try and meet her halfway. She's trying."

"I know she's trying…" Regina whispered, her dark eyes so full of anguish as if she were torn between forgiving her former stepdaughter or continuing being angry at her.

"Can I ask you something?" Emma asked.

Regina nodded.

"Have you put any thought in seeing Archie again since the last time we brought it up? I'm not trying to pressure you into going. I'm just worried. You processed a lot of emotions today."

Regina closed her eyes at those words and then looked out into the ocean once more. She was annoyed at Emma's honesty, but at the same time she was right. She was mentally exhausted from the different emotions she felt today. Like she was on a carousel and couldn't get off. Her head was spinning.

"I'll give him a call."