I still wasn't completely sure if Dumbledore would actually keep track of if I was following his instructions or not. I tried to look at this issue from all the possible sides. Being a headmaster, Dumbledore must be busy. Headmasters normally had a hundred and one things to do during their days and had zero time to check on each student individually. But...those were the headmasters I had known before. Muggle headmasters. Maybe in the magical world, it was different. Maybe wizards had all the time in the world for something they thought was important. I knew that there are some limits even magic cannot overcome but who knows, a wizard like Dumbldemore might be able to even add a couple of hours to the day just to keep an eye on me. Just as I thought it, I realized how insane that sounded and came to the conclusion I must have been slowly losing my mind.

During the breakfast in Great Hall, it was made certain that Dumbledore did watch over me at least when I was within his perspective. In the morning, totally forgotten about everything, I happily jumped into the seat next to Harry as we started enjoying sending the delicious, warm food down our stomachs. Carelessly, I chatted with Ron and Hermione and Harry, more than anyone.

I threw a glance at the back of the Great Hall where the professors' table stood facing us and my eyes met Dumbledore's eyes. The headmaster shook his head, lightly, almost unnoticeably but it was enough for me to understand what he thought of my negligent mood. Blushing, I quickly turned away from him and Harry, giving full attention to the fried eggs and sausages on my plate. Whenever Harry tried to talk to me, I either ignored him or responded in a few short phrases.

Nobody else was controlling me. During classes, no professor made me sit somewhere else than beside Harry. Apparently, Dumbledore was serious when he said it's a highly secretive matter, and apart from him and me, no one else knew about the Horcrux, not even professors. But I was obeying nonetheless. Not so much for my own safety but I was worried that Dumbledore might indirectly question the professors about what was I doing during their classes. And I didn't want to come off as an uncontrollable rebel, willing to deliberately break the rules Dumbledore personally set for me.

So step by step I started to avoid Harry wherever I could. When dinnertime came, I sat next to Ron. We were allowed out of the castle for the Care of Magical Creatures, the professors had melted paths in the snow for us to walk through without getting totally drenched. Whenever Harry came nearer, I stepped away and used this situation to get to know other students better, especially boys. Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan were quite cool, and I noticed Lavender Brown exchanging shy glances with Parvati Patil whenever I was around. As far as I knew Lavender was in love with Ron but apparently that didn't bother her to eye me as well.

I held on to one of the unicorns and pressed my head against the creature's silky neck. The unicorn licked my cheek with a wet, hot tongue and I got a sudden impulse to tell the creature all my troubles in the hope it would understand. But even if it did, there was nothing the unicorn could do to help me, so I left it alone.

Harry noticed me being distant. Of course, he did and sooner than I had expected. After all the classes were over and we were back in the Gryffindor tower, I sat by one of the large windows to aimlessly wander my eyes over the nature of Hogwarts while my housemates were busy with their homework. I felt very sad, and while everyone else was laughing when Neville somehow managed to multiply a piece of parchment several times instead of vanishing it, I didn't find it funny. I found nothing funny.

Harry stood up, leaving the essay he was writing half-way, and came up to me. I almost didn't notice him before I saw the reflection of him in the window glass.

" Have I offended you in any way? " he asked, leaning against the windowsill next to me.

" No, " I shook my head, looking at the snow-covered Hogwarts' territory.

" Then what? "

" Nothing. I'm just not in the mood. For anything. "

Harry came closer and hugged me. His embrace was enough to bring a certain amount of tears into my eyes and I knew I was supposed to push him away or tell him to leave me alone but I couldn't. That was one of the last warm moments we shared each with other, as our relationship went downhill soon after. But then, in front of the sparking fire in the fireplace, I couldn't find the strength to tell him that it's over. That we cannot be even friends anymore, let alone lovers.

" It must be something though. You were different yesterday evening already. Did somebody say something to you? Was it Malfoy? Did he hurt you in any way? "

" No, Harry, it has nothing to do with Malfoy. I just want to be left alone for a while. Don't hold me. "

I walked away from him and sat down in one of the armchairs further away from everyone else. The hunch that I was doing everything wrong flashed into my mind like a beacon. It was all happening very fast and sudden. What I probably should be doing was let Harry wean off of me gradually by giving him less and less attention every day so that he barely notices me distancing. That way he might not have too many questions. But I was dumb and a very bad actor.

Harry sat on the carpet in front of me, one leg bent at the knee at his chest. The remote gleam of the flames twining in the fireplace reflected in his glasses.

" Thomas, please don't keep more secrets from me. If the reason why you're upset is Voldemort or me, I have to know it! "

" No, Harry, goddamn it! You're not the center of the world, you know, and neither is that fucker. Am I not allowed to sometimes have a bad mood? "

Harry shrugged. " Alright, fair enough. But why should you keep having it when we can simply talk about the causes of your bad mood so that you can feel better? After all, being a couple is much more than just rolling in the bed together. "

I nodded. He was right about that one. " There's not much to tell. I'm tired. "

" Of what? "

Now it was my time to shrug, just to show some movement. I was worried that if I kept sitting still, he wouldn't believe me. My heart added a few beats to the normal rhythm and my palms started to sweat. The last one was a clear sign that I was lying. But Harry didn't know it.

" Everything. This place. I want to go home. "

" Home? " Harry asked as if not understanding what this word meant.

" Yeah. You know what they say...there's no place like home. I want back to my parents. I want to meet my friends. I want my Muggle life back. Do you understand? "

Harry nodded slightly, but his face remained unconvinced. His brows furrowed a little as if he was pondering on my words.

" But you have made friends here. Ron, Hermione, Neville. Aren't they cool? "

" They are. But that's not what I mean. I have...responsibilities back at home. To come to Hogwarts, I had to leave my own school and I don't know if I'll be able to graduate. I don't know what to say to people who know me and wonder where I have gone. And I...miss a lot of stuff. My room. My gadgets. The normal atmosphere that I used to have for 17 years. "

" I don't understand, Thomas, " Harry said with an audible note of doubt in his voice, " when was it you started to dislike Hogwarts? Muggles are usually fascinated by magic. "

" Yes. When I first arrived, I was in total awe. It was a true miracle to me. But days turned into weeks and weeks into months and eventually...the fact of being in an alien terrain grew heavier and heavier on my shoulders. I hate sitting in classes and not be able to do anything. I don't belong here, Harry. I'm not a wizard and I'll never be one. "

" You belong with me, " Harry said in almost a whisper as if something in his chest was muffling his voice, " And you know you cannot go home. Because... "

" Yeah, I know, " I interrupted him hastily. It was easier for me to say it myself than hear it from someone else. " Because of one moronic son of a bitch who has taken this bullshit up his short mind that my mudblood soul is of such a great fucking value! "

" Don't say that! " Harry got up and squeezed himself in the armchair next to me. " There's no such thing as dirty blood. Your blood is just as clean as mine...or Voldemort's for that matter. That foul term only comes from the mouths of ignorant bigots, Thomas. No decent wizard believes that some blood is purer than another. "

" Never mind, " I answered as I got up, leaving him alone in the armchair, " it doesn't matter. I'm going to bed. "

Harry turned around and looked at the clock on the table, not far away from Hermione's elbow. She had bewitched it to monitor her studying times and it was treacherously precise.

" To bed? At 8 pm? "

" Yeah. I don't feel like talking, Harry. "

He stayed seated, hands clasped in his lap and watching me with a calm, sad look. " And I suppose you don't want me to lie with you this night either, do you? "

In his voice, I heard a glimmer of hope of the opposite. I knew what he wanted to hear. I knew what I myself wanted to say. That I might be a little down this evening, but my bed is still fully available to him and everything would be fine tomorrow. Instead, I shook my head and walked to the dormitory, Harry's eyes following me until I disappeared from his view. Dumbledore had tossed the whole world on my shoulders. I felt alone, lonely, and more somber than I had ever been before.

The dormitory was dark and empty. The only faint light came from the stove in the middle of the room and because of that, I almost didn't notice Trevor, Neville's toad, that was sitting on my pillow.

Frowning, I reached out and grabbed the croaking amphibian. Its cold, bumpy skin felt slick under my fingers and the toad was stretching its short limbs frantically in an attempt to escape. I placed Trevor on Neville's nightstand and went into the toilet to wash my hands, considering walking back into the common room and telling Neville all I thought about such nasty surprises.

But it wasn't his fault. This frog had been trying to run away from its owner since the moment he got it. If I was Neville, I would have just placed it near a body of water and let it roam free. No big point in having a pet that clearly doesn't want to be with you.

I lied down in the bed on the side and watched the large window in front of me. It had stopped snowing and the sky had cleared a little. A waning crescent of the moon was shining bright yellow like a neon sign in the dark blue sky. Somewhere far away an owl hooted a couple of times. My feet started to feel cold and I pushed them under the blanket. I couldn't fall asleep, unsurprisingly. It was way too early for me to feel sleepy and I couldn't stop thinking about where all of this was going.

I'm going to turn 18 and leave Hogwarts...and then what? Will my life go back to normal or would I have to glance over my shoulder all the time or expect my front door to be blasted open by one of Voldemort's minions coming for me? My parents won't be able to protect me. And I won't be able to defend myself. We were as unmagical as one could get. As far as I was concerned, I was going to die no matter what. In that case, my being in Hogwarts was nothing but a way to stretch out my life as much as possible.

I had no idea what was the time when I started to feel my eyelids getting heavy. Someone came into the dormitory. Maybe Harry. I was more asleep than awake and felt the blanket being pulled up to my shoulders, covering me with a nice warmth.

Time passes. Even when you don't feel like it, it does. Weeks went after weeks and February changed into March which gave way to April. Winter was melting away rapidly and spring arrived out of the blue. The sun was shining almost every day and Hogwarts' nature awoke from the profound winter slumber. The hours of daylight got longer and longer. Snowdrops were swaying their tiny heads among the short stems of newly green grass and small, perky buds sprang on the tree branches, waiting to bloom into incredible petals.

As hard as it was, I continued to follow Dumbledore's directions religiously. As a result, I was no longer tormented by nightmares of serpent-like monsters...but at a terrible price. Harry didn't understand what was going on and I had no way of explaining to him. All he saw was my bad mood lasting for an abnormally long period of time, me refraining from sitting next to him in classes or wherever it was we had to sit and barely speaking two words to him.

" It's been a while since we made love, " he said to me in the middle of March when I sent him to his own bed again and again.

I didn't need to be reminded of that. I missed Harry a lot, not just his body but him as a person. So many times I was just about to give in the temptation and have him just for that one night. Nothing would happen to my soul if it was only a single night, right? Yet I always rejected him, because I knew that in the morning it would be even more difficult to pretend I'm not interested in him. My attitude had to be steady and definite, I couldn't afford to wobble between moods. Being nice to someone one day and mean in the other is not keeping a distance.

Ron and Hermione were certainly aware of Harry and me getting more and more estranged. My relationship with them didn't change, we kept chatting every day...although not as much as we used to. Being Harry's friends for way longer than I, they both suspected something wasn't right and Hermione even tried to tactfully talk to me about it. Unfortunately, my witch friend wasn't an exception to the secret Dumbledore trusted me with.

" Thomas, " the girl addressed me when I was the last one to finish my evening meal and all the other Gryffindors had left the Great Hall, " I don't mean to interfere with Harry's and your relationship, but...maybe you two could finally make peace? I don't know what did you fight about and perhaps it wasn't your fault, but maybe you could consider apologizing? You see...Harry's not showing it, but...he suffers a lot. Ever since you have turned your back at him, he's been...very different. Haven't you noticed? "

How was I to know? My conversations with Harry had shrunken to a couple of phrases at the best. I guess Hermione didn't realize that a simple argument wouldn't have made me ignore Harry for months. She thought it had to be something between us, something very intimate, so she tried to only tiptoe around the subject carefully.

" Sorry, Hermione, but I can't tell you anything. There are things that can't be shared with even best friends. I'm sure you understand. "

" Yes, but...if we knew what's the problem, we could help, " she walked next to me and we were the last ones to leave the Great Hall before elves came to clean the supper leftovers. " You were both so close and then suddenly...I know Harry can be very stubborn sometimes and he won't tell me anything either. "

Of course, he didn't. What could he say to her? He knew nothing himself. I felt like I was going to lose not only Harry but everyone I had managed to form a friendly relationship with in Hogwarts. When I leave, they'll remember me as the weird Muggle who turned his coat in an instant, changing from amiable to forever moody.

Not wishing to damage the affiliation between Harry, Ron, and Hermione, I eventually started to alienate them all. The weather became warmer each day until even a jacket wasn't necessary anymore and I spent loads of time outside of the castle. I sat at the shore of the Black Lake, watching the small waves sparkling in the sunlight and the wind blew the musty, earthy odor in my face. I knew that merpeople and the Giant Squid lived there but I failed to see these wonders with my own eyes, as professor McGonagall strictly forbade me to as much as set a fingertip in the water. I was only allowed to watch the lake from the shore and so I did, spending hours, mesmerized by the beauty of the vast surface that extended far to the south of the castle.

Sometimes I was lying on my back in the soft matt of grass and stared at the sky above me, trying to find familiar shapes in the clouds like I did when I was a kid. Back then I managed to find cats, dogs, horses, bears, and sharks. Now I made out dragons, thestrals, unicorns, owls, and toads. I loved to press my back against a tree, close my eyes, and listen to the rustling of leaves around me. That was all fun and games until one time when I had to run for my life. Whomping Willow wasn't interested in cooperating with my daydreaming and I almost got my skull crushed by the heavy, violent branches.

Most magical creatures lived in the Forbidden Forest, which was another no-go place for me alone, however, I found a little company in one of the trees not far from the castle. Little green twig-like creatures roamed the hollow in the tree, jumping, climbing, and crawling all over the tree's brown limbs. Small, black eyes stared from under two large leaves growing on top of their heads.

" They're called Bowtruckles, " a passing Hufflepuff explained while I was observing the movements of the little colony. " Peaceful, unless you threaten the tree they live at. "

I never did anything to disturb them but I really enjoyed watching the life rhythm of Bowtruckles. They reminded me of ants in the Muggle world – everyone had their own little job to do to make their family function. Some were making a nest inside the hollow, some were picking for woodlice and some tended and cared for the young. It was a truly fascinating scene to follow.

I was never bored. Time passed quickly and I loved my wanderlust, but...I wished there was somebody to share my adventures with.

At the end of April, we had an unexpected few hour break between classes, because professor Burbage was solving delayed matters in the Ministry. In a way, I felt relieved, as the professor of Muggle Studies never left me alone in her classes. Professor Burbage strongly believed that nobody could explain Muggle life better than a Muggle, so she always pulled me in the front of the class and basically made me do her job of explaining and telling the students about Muggle technology and science.

First, it was just annoying, and eventually, I started to actually hate it. She even gave me homework on preparing a lecture about Muggle's means of transportation and education. Excuse me, ma'am, I wanted to scream, am I really the professor here? And so I was enduring the minutes of standing in front of everyone, teaching, and when I was explaining the Muggle lifestyle, it seemed I might as well be speaking in Kirundi. Judging by the faces of half-blood and purebloods, they didn't understand a single word I said.

That's why that day was a nice respite from professor Burbage's terror. Her classes were the only ones I wasn't looking forward to.

I was laying in the grass and enjoyed the sunshine caressing my closed eyelids. I was starting to get slightly tanned already, my skin took sun quite well, even though I could also get burned easily if I wasn't careful. Students chattered and laughed cheerfully further away from me. Beautiful bird voices came from Forbidden Forest and I was breathing the fresh, aromatic Spring air. I wasn't thinking about anything and for the first in a long time, I felt peaceful.

Suddenly, the warmth of the sun was blocked by a shadow that leaned over me. However, that was compensated by hot lips that kissed my forehead.

9