Road to Redemption
Chapter 10
Gonna Rise and Fly
Thursday morning, he was up showered and dressed early, he placed his beret on his head and checked in the mirror that he would meet with inspection by the Lt Colonel. Today was his meeting with Beck. He was quietly confident that all had gone well in Afghan and his decisions were sound.
As he walked across the parade ground a number of 2 section seemed to be about all saluted and smiled at him before continuing on their way. Even Jackie was there and he couldn't help but snort a laugh when she saluted grinned and then winked at him. The army jungle drums in full swing.
He knocked on the door and heard the word "Enter" Beck was sat at his desk finishing off some paperwork as he stood in front of him. He had always had respect for Roger Beck since those early tours and often wondered if he had stayed in his chain of command would he have ended up in the mess he did?. There was nothing that Beck missed and always had an open door policy to help his officers.
"Sit Charles" Beck smiled at him before looking down at the reports on his desk "So how did it feel being back in Afghan?"
"Well honestly Sir" he started "considering what we had to deal with and how thinly spread we were, the elections, the insurgents and the corrupt ANA, I think we did well."
"I agree Charles" he looked at him "I know it can't have been easy out there, coming across your past like that on your first tour in…" looking at the reports "nearly 2 years" he continued "Brigadier Hart says you handled yourself well, you had just arrived when one of your medics was taken off active duty" he sighed "and Molly was part of the Special Forces team." "If I had known I wouldn't have asked you to replace Lt Hurst"
"How is the Lieutenant Sir?"
"It will be at least next year before he is fit enough for active service, that is if he wants to of course." "Look both the Brigadier and Blue had given you a glowing report, how you dealt with every situation" he smiled at him "You should be proud Charles. You've worked hard to come back from both injury and the PTSD. I really think you should be looking at promotion to Major."
Charles couldn't help but grin, relieved that his career in the army wasn't over and that he had achieved some sort of redemption from his past mistakes in Nigeria, Belize and Bangladesh "I'd like that Sir."
"Well I will do the paperwork to start the process Charles" he stood and extended his hand for Charles to shake "Well done and I hope you sort all the other issues out" Charles stood knowing the meeting was coming to an end.
"Sir?"
"Don't forget I was your Major on that tour, a good CO notices everything. Never forget that" he had always liked Charles and they had worked well together on those early Afghan tours in Helmond. He had gone with his wife to Charles and Molly's wedding and was most surprised that their marriage didn't last. He would have put money on it being a success against all the odds, but then that's PTSD it can do strange things to the best of them.
"I'll be in touch when the promotion comes through."
OG
Friday morning Charles was up at the crack of dawn. All showered and dressed ready to pick Molly up and take her to London. He packed a couple of days of casual clothing and one smart suit hoping that Molly would agree to going out to dinner with him. He knew he would have to drive her back on the Sunday. Maybe he could convince her to stay at his flat as he knew she had a medical at Keogh on the Monday. But even if she wouldn't, she would be close as she was bound to stay with Jackie and Dangles. What with the 2 weeks in Afghan before she flew and the month since they had been home she would be close to getting her all clear for active service. He couldn't help but feel the fingers of dread around his heart about that; after what he had seen on that last tour.
Two hours later and he was outside her flat, she invited him in and made him a filtered coffee, one of those kit things you can buy in the supermarket but better than instant. But it gave him a bit of a break before the next couple of hours drive back into London.
He could see that she was excited about getting there and had a number of bags with presents for all her siblings. She had always done that when she came back from tour and being away for months, it might not be much but it was something she thought they would want and in the past had included Sam and his parents in all her present buying, whether it was some Lego or chocolate everyone got something. Seems some things never change. Molly's kind heart definitely hasn't changed.
OG
"Are you going to be alright carrying all that stuff upstairs to your parents" he asked looking at all the bags while leaning against the car.
"Course I will, it don't hurt anymore and I've done the six weeks they said" she grinned up at him.
"I can carry it for you?"
"Nah! You're alright Charles I can manage" she grinned moving closer to him to peck him on the cheek "You go off and get your coffee fix and I'll see ya later."
He grinned back and returned the kiss on the cheek "If you are sure" and watching as she made her way to the entrance, his eyes never leaving as he watched her walk across the pathway to her parents' maisonette. He hadn't noticed the shadow in the alleyway behind the bins.
"Hello Charlie Boy, how's about giving me a lift 'ome then?" he swung round to see Nan appear from behind the big bins he looked around expecting to see Jack and Harry. Nan started laughing as she realised what he was doing.
"Don't worry Charlie, I ain't gonna have you lobbed onto the M25" she said with a wicked grin "I expect you're gasping for a coffee ain't ya?" opening the passenger door and getting in. Charles eyes opened wide as he walked to the driver's side and got in.
"Aren't you going up to see Molly" he enquired
"Will do but I think we should have a chat first, so take me 'ome and I'll make you one of them nice coffees you like."
Nan only lived round the corner so it didn't take long to get there. He parked and got out and helped Nan to her flat.
"You always did have lovely manners Charles" she chuckled. She had always been taken by the nice coffee machine that Charles and Molly had in their home and had got one herself and was now making him a black one and her one of the latte's.
"So, Charlie are you trying to get back into our Molls good books?" she asked bluntly
"I've always loved her, that never changed."
"Well didn't look like that to me when I came round to get her stuff and you was already shacked up with that trollop."
"I wasn't shacked up with anyone, she stayed in the spare room for one night" he said with some annoyance "It was over before it even started" he continued quietly "I was a mess, didn't know what I wanted or what I was doing" he finished lamely.
"So, you cured then, from this PTSD thing or are you likely to get it again and hurt our Molls?" he snorted a laugh, she clearly had no concept of what it was and how it affects you, she made it sound like he had a bit of a cold.
"Not sure cured is the right word Nan, but yes I feel better in control of my life again" he paused "I think with Molly leaving and those divorce papers it made me take stock of what I had thrown away and the army gave me another chance. Even got me on a new treatment program that helped tremendously in getting it all squared away in my brain, what I've seen, what I've had to do and the men I have lost on my watch" looking down at his coffee cup "I don't ever want to feel like that again."
"Your mum said you was a bit of a miserable bugger for a while after Molly left?"
"She would" he laughed "It wasn't just Molly I shut out and withdrew from, but my parents and Sam as well. I just couldn't bear to see the looks of disappointment"
Nan leant forward and patted his arm "It weren't disappointment Charles, it was concern, they was all worried about you. Don't matter how old you get you will always be their boy" she drew in a deep breath "and Molly worshipped the ground you walked on, for the first time in her life she had someone that believed in her, encouraged her, made her believe she was worth something. Well that was until you made her feel like she wasn't."
Charles had his hands wrapped round his coffee cup looking at the tarry dregs at the bottom, he felt a lump in his throat and felt sick at what Nan was telling him about how Molly felt. Nan put out her hand and flicked his chin up so he could look at her and she saw the pain in his eyes
"As I said to you before, my granddaughter still cares very much about you and what happens to you Captain James" she cackled "Otherwise Jack would have shown you the error of your ways." still holding his chin so he had to look at her "I won't pretend to understand what this PTSD is but our Molls does and I trust her judgement. If you are determined that you want to be back in her life make sure you don't hurt her again or I might not be so forgiving or understanding next time" she grinned and patted his cheek.
"What about the rest of the family will they forgive what I have done?" Nan threw her head back laughing.
"Well I wouldn't worry about that plonker Dave, just buy him a pint and Belinda just wants Molly to be happy and if it's you that makes her happy then she will be fine. Same as me but don't doubt we will be keeping an eye on you, make sure you don't mess her about again."
"Well I suppose I had better be off, I need to check into a hotel and I wanted to get my coffee pods before I see Molly later."
She saw him to the door "Be sure this is what you want Charles, don't hurt her again" opening the door for him.
"She will always be what I want, I just lost my way for a bit. Will you put in a good word for me?" he grinned cheekily
"No son, but I won't put in a bad one neither. If you want her you fight for her, prove your worth it" she answered matter of factly.
OG
Charles found his hotel and parked in the underground carpark. Venturing out he went to Regent Street to the Nespresso shop and got in plenty of supplies not being sure when he would come to London again. When he and Molly were together he knew he would be here regularly but now he couldn't remember the last time he had visited London.
He sent her a text asking if she was having dinner with her parents or would she like to go out for dinner and he could book something. It wasn't long before she responded saying yes please they were doing her nut in already. He was hoping she would say that as he had already taken a chance and booked a restaurant he thought she would really enjoy. I'll pick you up in a taxi at 17.30 he texted back with a grin.
Molly knew he would be prompt he always was. She had taken care over her appearance tonight as they were in London and she knew he would take her somewhere nice, he always had when they were up here. Her hair was blow dried and shining, she had put make up on for the first time in ages and dug out her heels to go with the black off the shoulder dress. It was starting to get chilly in the evenings so she was carrying her beige coat, just in case. He got out the taxi and held the door open, ever the gent, with one of his huge beaming smiles when he saw her. She thought he looked and smelt delicious and couldn't help but bite her lip at that thought, how could a man smell so delicious?
He was in his dark blue suit with pale blue shirt only the top buttons open, he had definitely shaved and had put something on his hair to tame those curls.
"Where we going then?" she grinned up at him
"It's a surprise Molly" he retorted "We haven't been there before"
"Bit early for dinner ain't it?"
"But that's part of the surprise Molly" He grinned at her as the cab pulled away. He held onto her hand in the back of the taxi, hoping she would enjoy what he had organised, if she hadn't changed too much he thought she would.
They arrived at Fenchurch Street and he held her hand as they exited the taxi.
"Bloody hell Charlie it's the Walkie Talkie are you taking me to the Sky Garden?" she giggled "I've always wanted to go there."
"Well I thought we could go have a look at the sunset from the viewing platforms then go and have dinner in the Darwin Brasserie on the 36th floor" he grinned "Look at the London skyline."
"What a lovely place to work Charles" she grinned as they were going up in the lifts the doors opening to the tropical foliage of the Sky Gardens "to come up here and have your sandwich before having to go back to work."
Unfortunately it was a cloudy day and the sunset wasn't as spectacular as he was hoping but it was certainly a sight as the light levels dropped and London lit up. They walked around in companionable silence her arm linked through his as she pointed out all the bits of London she recognised from up there. Even the Thames had taken on a shimmering blue grey colour rather than the muddy brown it normally was.
They went down a couple of floors to the restaurant. Molly was overwhelmed at the table they had been given. It was fairly close to the windows but not so close that you could see straight down. They had a perfect view of the Thames and the Shard directly in front of them.
As darkness came they were both transfixed at looking at the Shard light up in the night sky and the lights from this building also dimmed and changed colour.
"How did you know I always wanted to come here Charlie?" the sheer joy of the experience written all over her face, his own split into a huge smile that she looked so happy, well he knew she was.
"I didn't, just thought you might like it,"
At that moment a waiter offered them the menu and wine list.
"Charles" she grinned "Have you seen the cocktail list?"
"No not yet, was looking to see what I wanted for dinner first" he sniggered.
"Think I will skip the pudding Charles" she beamed at him "They have a perfect cocktail, Vodka, Chocolate liquor, toffee nuts and whipped cream" He closed his eyes briefly, grinning and shaking his head, she may think she had changed over the years they had been apart but she really hadn't.
"Dawes are you going to look at the menu" he sniggered "see what you want for dinner rather than what you want for afters" She looked at his grinning face her eyes wide before she threw her head back laughing at what he had just said. It suddenly dawned on him and he coloured slightly "You know what I meant!"
"Yeah! course I do. You know I always like to know how much room to leave if they have nice puddings"
"Yes, Molly I do, now have you decided what you want to eat?"
She ordered the smoked salmon and one of their posh burgers while he had the pate and Rib eye steak and a bottle of red wine for them.
"It really is proper nice up here Charles, thanks for bringing me" smiling at him across the table.
"You're welcome. Thought it might be nice to do something we haven't done before when we've been in London" and she nodded in agreement.
"So how are your parents and siblings then?" he asked and she rolled her eyes.
"When I'm away I always miss them but as soon as I come back they drive me nuts, the mess, the noise and dad thinking it's OK to walk about in his bloody pants all day." She said looking out at the London skyline. His eyes following hers "I love them all to bits and I love London but I guess I have just got used to something different."
"Would you want to come back to live here then get used to it again?"
"Nah only a visit now and then" she replied looking into his chocolate brown eyes his heart flipping at the intensity of her look.
Neither brought up the past although both aware they still had much to talk about, but it was a nice evening and they were enjoying each other's company.
"So is Sam still being a pain?" and Charles nodded.
"Yes, very much so. I really can't see why at 11 he has such an issue about his mother being pregnant. I know you get to an age where you don't believe that your parents get up to that sort of thing but I really am getting perplexed as to where some of these ideas are coming from."
She giggled at his confused expression, "probably his mates have been filling him in and teasing him" she shrugged "Could be worse, he could have caught them at it like me" his eyes opened wide although he didn't say anything, even after all this time he was still shocked at some of the tales from her childhood. She giggled "Shit Charles you don't get to be the eldest of six without knowing what's what."
"Indeed, but I would rather he didn't know what was what at 11" he said sulkily.
"What you gonna wait till he's 16 and he comes to tell you he's got a girl up the duff and he don't know how it happened"? bursting into peals of laughter "They was just playing hide the sausage. Look Charles, posh bloke like you" giving him a cheeky grin she continued "and pretty old, probably you were a late developer," Charles coughed on his wine "but it ain't like that now, their mates, social media all make sure they know and what they don't understand they make up. Tell him it will be a good thing, his mum will be OK and he will still be spoilt by his granny, his mum and us."
"I'll have another go, it's just so bloody frustrating anyone would think the world was ending" he sighed
"Well for him he probably thinks it is."
"Apparently he is leaving home if she has a girl" Molly burst out laughing again. He had to admit he was really enjoying her laughter, there was no off switch with Molly Dawes .
"I remember saying that to me Mum if she had a boy but me sisters, well they just took my clothes and makeup and didn't even bloody ask."
"Perhaps you could have a chat with him, seeing as how you have so many siblings?"
"Not bleedin' likely mate" she cackled "and have Rebecca on me back cos I said it all wrong."
Molly was just finishing off her cocktail that she had picked right at the start of the dinner and he couldn't stop staring at the whipped cream at the corner of her mouth. He brought up his hand and wiped it off with his thumb before putting it in his mouth to lick it off, his eyes darkening as she stared at him expectantly.
"Are you ready to go Molly" he asked and she nodded
He hailed a taxi to take her back to East Ham, he told the cab driver to wait while he saw her to the door. "Do you want to spend the day with your parents or can we go out for a few hours tomorrow?" he asked tentatively suddenly shy now the evening was at an end.
"What you got in mind?"
"Perhaps we could go up in the London Eye?"
"What's with all the being a long way off the ground all of a sudden you thinking of joining the Paras and chucking yourself out a plane or something?" she laughed.
"No, just thought we hadn't done it in a while, see what we can see that we didn't see in the Sky Garden"
"OK then pick me up tomorrow about mid-day."
"I'll get a taxi over to take us" he beamed
"There are trains here you know posh boy" she grinned at him "Go on your taxi is waiting."
He bent his head down to kiss her goodnight but he quickly had her pushed up against the wall of the maisonette and his hands in her hair as he deepened the kiss, their tongues meeting as they remembered their past. He heard her groan as her hands came up and wound around his neck. He could feel his need for her and knew that he couldn't disguise it they were so closely entwined "Come back with me?" he whispered into her ear "to my hotel."
"No" she responded pulling away. She saw the hurt flit across his face as he tried to cover it up.
"You still haven't forgiven me have you?" he sighed devastated that he had spoilt the evening by asking that question.
"It has nothing to do with forgiveness Charles" she put her hands on each cheek forcing him to look at her as he tried to pull away "If we are going to try again, we need better foundations this time" she said with a frown on her face "Its late Charles, we'll talk about it tomorrow, yeah?" she pleaded hoping that he wasn't going to run away again. She needn't have worried, he wasn't going to give up at the first hurdle but nodded as he gave her a final kiss on the lips and walked away.
OG
Charles got back to his hotel room and sat on the bed. He wasn't sure exactly what he felt. At first he thought Molly was rejecting him, didn't want him back or his apology for what he had done. But lying there, sleep eluding him and his hands behind his head as he stared at the ceiling he started to think about what she had said about foundations.
They had had a bit of a whirlwind romance. He knew he was getting feelings for her the moment she crawled across that minefield to get to Smurf. If you had Molly Dawes as a friend you couldn't say she wasn't loyal to you he snorted a laugh. She always had been loyal. He couldn't fault how she had supported him all through rehab at Headley. He knew she had to do that short tour to Afghan while he was at rehab to get everything straight in her head; Smurf, Bashira and killing Badrai. But she came back to him.
Getting his fitness back after being shot was a long tough slog, lots of physio, some counselling and a lot of indecision as to whether he wanted to stay in the army or not. She supported him every step of the way, never once telling him to stay or leave. They hadn't spent a lot of time together and rarely went out while he was recuperating, always staying with him in Bath and then Aldershot when the boot finally came off.
Once he had made the decision to stay in the army and do that humanitarian tour for 3 months in Kenya, they married quickly before he left. It was on that tour Georgie had been kidnapped and needed Molly's support when she came back from Afghan in the aftermath of the tour, Abu's capture, Elvis's reappearance in her life and jilting Jamie at the altar. They never had a honeymoon and he was only home for two months before he and 2 section were off again to Syria.
It occurred to him that they didn't go out much as a couple only when they came to stay in London or Bath. It suddenly became crystal clear what she was trying to tell him about foundations. They had been pulled in so many directions in their early days, his tours, her tours and helping Georgie through yet another of her traumas that they hadn't concentrated on themselves. They hadn't built the foundations that would have made their marriage survive.
He felt that familiar lump in his throat, his chest pounding and his eyes go glassy with tears as he stared up at the ceiling in the darkness. This time she wanted foundations, roots, something to build on so no matter what the future threw at them they could work through it and be stronger rather than fall apart like last time. It wasn't that they didn't love each other, from what Nan had said and the way Molly had kissed him tonight, it wasn't that, it was she wanted to be sure they had those foundations this time. He grinned into the darkness and promised himself that he would make Molly feel their relationship had strong roots this time, for both of them, next time he wanted to make sure he listened to her, really listened because he couldn't lose her for a second time.
OG
Charles felt like death warmed up when he got up that morning. He hadn't slept well his mind going over and over what had gone wrong last time and how they could make it better this time. He had to accept that this time Molly wanted to take it slow and if he was honest he didn't blame her. He guessed also that would also mean he would have to bite his tongue about her chosen career path, much as it bothered him, because she wanted to take it slow this time.
For speed and convenience he got a taxi from his hotel to her parents, letting it go as he knew she would want to get the train to Westminster and walk across the bridge to the London Eye. He had pre-booked a pod just for them on a priority ticket, which would get them a glass of champagne and a pod to themselves. Half an hour while on their own looking at the views across London to talk.
Molly knew he looked rough this morning that he'd probably spent the night dwelling on what she had said last night, so she linked her arm to his on the underground and rested her head on his shoulder. She didn't want him to think she didn't care or that she was using him, she wasn't. But both of them were bruised by what had happened in the past and she wanted to make sure that neither of them were hurt again.
OG
It was a beautiful clear day as they ascended in their pod and you really could see right out to Windsor although it wasn't clear if you didn't know it was the castle. Charles was standing behind her his hands on her shoulders. She felt the warmth of his hands through her clothes and had an overwhelming urge to lean back into him so that he would envelop her in his arms but she didn't.
She knew that she would have to start this talk, he wouldn't, he would be worried that she would tell him something that he didn't want to hear but she hoped that what she did say he would understand, support her, even agree that this was the way forward for both of them.
"You know I still care about you don't you" she whispered back at him and he moved closer his chin on top of her head and she felt him nod. "We need to take it slow this time."
"If we take it much slower Molly we will be at a standstill" he chuckled and she elbowed him in the ribs but not hard.
"If we take out that last tour this is only the third time I've seen you in nearly two years" she sighed "I ain't ready to sleep with you yet as much as I might want to. I want us to go out more, spend time together to get to know each other again."
"I know Molly. I worked that out when I couldn't get to sleep last night" he chuckled and she leant back against him realising that he did understand why she said no last night.
"I'm sorry" he kissed her head "for not realising sooner, trying to railroad you into something you weren't ready for" he snorted a laugh "for sulking" his hands going around her waist as she leant on him.
"Well you was always good at that" she giggled "We're both different people now, we have a lot of catching up to do."
Her turned her round the scenery no longer important as they looked into each other's eyes "Well you certainly are Molly Dawes" he grinned his hands on her waist "Special Forces" he said with a low whistle and her face broke out into a huge grin.
"Yeah dead proud of myself, who'd have thought?" her eyes lighting up "Think Bones would have been chuffed too, all his hard work paid off."
"And yours" he added "Molly about Bones…" He was stopped in his tracks as she put her fingers over his mouth shaking her head and her eyes suddenly sad.
"He was a good mate, a really good mate but not like you're thinking" she said sadly and he had the decency to look a bit shame faced. He had always had a jealous streak as far as she was concerned. "When you came back from Belize, I knew something had changed, you didn't really want me anymore" he started to interrupt but she halted him "He listened to me when I said I thought I should jack in the army" and Charles looked horrified that she was going to throw in her career
"I couldn't face coming across you and her, all loved up" she looked up into his eyes and as she continued to talk he saw every emotion she had felt, all the hurt she had gone through during that time and he no longer wanted to interrupt her talking, he wanted to listen to what she had to say.
"I heard you ask her if she could love you, if things were different" she sighed at the memory "I knew then that it was probably the end, so when Bones gave me a choice I took it" the hurt clear in her eyes "I started planning for when you asked me to leave."
He pulled her into him and cradled her head against his chest "I'm so sorry Molly"
"When he was killed you were desperate to go out there to her, that's why I phoned you asked if you wanted to put the marriage out of its misery and you said yes."
"I thought you said that you wanted to put the marriage out of its misery" closing his eyes and trying desperately to remember that time.
She snorted a derisory laugh, "you had long since stopped listening to what I was saying" as he held her a little bit tighter.
"When I phoned you, I had just been given the news I had passed the selection process and had to make a decision" She pulled back a bit from his embrace so she could see his face. "Then you all decided to chuck yourselves off a cliff. Blue was at the hospital, was worried about you and told me what had happened on tour, he didn't know we were already separating. Well that was the decision made and I transferred out the Medical Corp."
They had been talking so long that they hadn't noticed that the pod doors were opening and it was the end of the trip.
He felt incredibly sad as they left the London Eye, after listening to what Molly had been thinking ever since Belize, he hadn't noticed that she was training for Special Forces, had formed a friendship with Bones and hadn't even really heard the conversation properly that ended his marriage.
As they started walking away she turned to him smiling "Put it all back in the box, it's in the past and we ain't got a Tardis to change it" linking her arm to his "So ,where are you taking me now then Bossman?"
Charles looked down at her arm through his and then to her smiling face and couldn't help but grin back as she had used a name for him that she hadn't used in years. While she had been talking he had watched every single emotion she felt flit across her face and displayed in her eyes. The Molly of old would have shouted, ranted and cried into his chest, but this one had matured into a beautiful woman and he was going to enjoy every minute of getting to know her again.
"It's another surprise Molly" he grinned kissing her forehead "One that I know you are really going to like."
OG
The walked hand in hand to Westminster Pier and caught one of the tourist hop on hop off boats. They stood on the deck by the railings neither needing to listen to the commentary, travelling east to London Bridge Pier. He did insist on hailing a black cab which then took them to Rabot 1745 in the Borough Market.
"I thought we could have afternoon tea on the Terrace" waggling his eyebrows and grinning down at her.
"Oh Charlie" she said excitedly "Can we go in the shop after? Nan loved that Chocolate Gin and Mum liked their Chocolate Liqueur, reckons it's much better than Baileys"
"What about you Molly, what do you want?"
She threw her head back laughing "Do you really need to ask?"
"The nuts and pralines selection" he answered giggling "Come on lets have the tea first."
They didn't talk again that afternoon about the past, just about friends and what they had been up to. Pleased that Peanut had finally found a girlfriend and Laura seemed very nice. Both shocked that Brains had finally decided he wanted to settle down but neither had met the girl yet, just that she was also in the army and stationed at Aldershot. Apparently Jackie and Dangles thought that she was very nice.
They travelled by train back to Upton Park and walked to her parent's maisonette.
"You have your medical on Monday don't you Molly?" he enquired "Are you staying with Jackie in Aldershot?" and she nodded.
"I'll pick you up about 11 to take you back" his heart heavy that their time was coming to an end. While they had talked of some of the serious things that had broken them apart, there had been a lot of laughter too. He realised just how lonely he was without her.
"I had a really nice time Charles" she beamed at him before raising herself on tiptoe to kiss him goodbye.
"Me too" he replied cupping her face with his hands and kissing her back.