It's 4 a.m. when he stumbles from his bed to the office, one hand scratching his whiskers while a yawn splits his face. It was another shitty night, but the new day promises good leads. Once the tea gets his brain going... He stops and blinks. Yes, there really is a person waiting for him. The sanctuary of his office is being invaded regularly. How many days in a row does this make? He shakes the useless thoughts aside and looks down to confirm the Glock is in his hand and pointed at the intruder. Good.
The city lights filtering in through the windows are the only illumination he has to study the small man of Asian heritage with a black goatee. A hint of trepidation is on his face. He's not holding a firearm, but he does have a sword by his side. He's dressed in dark colors so maybe he's a ninja assassin. A ninja assassin, really? Castle looks closer. It's not a sword but a nice cane with silver inlay clutched at the man's side. He has one like that. "Say your piece and get out. One wrong move and I'll empty the clip." He's proud how steady his voice is despite the foggy brain and lack of sleep.
The smaller man remains unmoving except for his eyes scrutinizing Castle. Finally there is a quiet admission, "I used to threaten to shoot you but I'm sorry about that. After finding out what it feels like, I find my jest was in poor taste."
He shakes his head. "Hallucinations. Beckett has not left the NYPD to become a ninja, which is a very cool dream except she is a he, so I'm not sure if this is a dream or nightmare but either way I'm losing it," he mutters.
"You're not hallucinating. I'm wearing a disguise which may have gotten me here safely, but now that you're holding a gun on me and I have PTSD I agree this is quickly turning into a nightmare."
"Shit. Say something that only Beckett would know." He rubs his head and lowers the weapon without waiting for him/her to speak. He flips the safety lever on the pistol. If this was a foe he'd be bleeding out between the sheets not watching someone shrink in a chair.
"I'm never supposed to call you kitten although last time you saw me I was petting one. His name is Phoenix and he helps me with anxiety, so I really wish he was here."
He hauls her to his chest and hugs her tight. He can smell the spirit gum and theatrical makeup he knows well from all those years trailing his mother around backstage at various theaters. "Say something else. Keep talking. Make me believe you're really here." he mummers the plea quietly to her ear.
Her arms are tight around his waist and with a shy voice she shares her worries, "You were so mad and left me. I want you close but I didn't feel it was safe, so I stayed away. I don't know what do but I did the wrong thing and I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry, Castle. I know I'm rambling but I need to say it while I have the courage because you didn't respond to my text message. I finally get how hard it is to repeat yourself and say it out loud, but I do, so I will, because I love you too..."
They both go still. Castle takes a deep breath and cradles her face in his hands and tilts her head so he can see the truth of her words. A dopey grin is on his face as he studies her eyes. "I want to kiss you, but I've never kissed a person with facial hair before. You are a first in so many ways, Kate." With that his lips softly press against hers. They tilt and angle and someone gives a little moan and before they get carried away they ease back and open their eyes in unison.
"Just as soon as you 'shave' I'm going to want to do that again."
"What's the problem? I could turn into one of those old women with facial hair. Are you saying it's a deal breaker?" She smirks at him.
"You're baiting me. If I say it's a problem I'll be casting doubt on our future and if I don't have a problem with it you'll tease me about a deeply repressed desire for men." He can't stop smiling and letting his hands roam her body. She's like a magnet for his body and resistance is futile.
"Yes, I'm always going to want to tease you, but I need to be sure we're on solid ground first."
She eases back a step. "I've shown up in your home uninvited. I really want to talk. Can we do that?"
"No more revelations before coffee." He gestures into his bedroom. "In the left cabinet above the sink is a really good makeup remover to take that goop off. Wait- you didn't run off and ditch your security detail and think the gender swap will get you out of here safely did you?" He's worried and moves closer in an unconscious bid to protect her.
"Rick, with both words and actions I am trying to prove I've changed for the better. The security crew you are paying to keep me safe is spread around the outside of the building to make sure I haven't brought any unwanted attention to your doorstep. They suggest I leave at sunrise so we do have limited time together, but I don't need the feeble disguise any longer." She waits, lets him scrutinize her words and expressions.
His whole body relaxes and he moves away to the kitchen. His brain needs time to trust that her emotions are real, her words are sincere, and she's not a figment of imagination. They return to the office at the same time and the ritual passing of the coffee comforts both of them.
Beckett takes a small sip and makes an exaggerated moan of pleasure.
He's missed this. "That's mean, Beckett. You destroy my plan about becoming a bad ass ninja duo and now you mock me with fake sex appeal." He's grinning. It's been too long.
"There's nothing fake about how I feel towards you, but I'm wondering if your feelings have changed." She sits on the couch and chews on her lower lip. She waits. She's prepared to do a lot of waiting, but she's also prepared to do a lot of pushing. It's why she showed up unannounced at four in the morning.
"You pushed me away, turned to old lovers. I get that there are different kinds of love so I'm trying to respect that." He has to limit his expectations because his heart is feeling too battered. He sits in his desk chair instead of beside her on the couch.
She accepts his rebuke. "I'm sorry I kept reaching out in letters instead of calling. I assumed we were both sitting on the sidelines so we would be safe. I feel like I'm pushing into your life and I certainly am not trying to push you away."
"I'm not sure how to reconcile what you're saying with the woman I know. A few days ago you were in a wheelchair. Did you stop using it because it was in the way of your plan to show up here?"
She's disappointed in the direction he's taking the discussion, but it's part of respecting where he's at instead of demanding he follow her lead. "I did want to chase you down immediately, but I couldn't. I had a medical appointment already scheduled yesterday to get the walking boot." She pulls up the baggy sweat pants and shows the removable soft cast.
She quietly responds to the rest of his accusations, "I asked the Z Lot protection detail to plan some sort of meeting which took time. I'm here because Martha called me on my dad's burner phone last night before the Broadway show to express her concerned about you. I jumped at the chance to come see you and fix what went wrong between us. Please don't be mad at your mother. I'm the one who invaded your privacy instead of asking you if I'm welcome."
"Beckett, you're always welcome here despite my mother's unwarranted interference." He shrugs. He doesn't know what the future holds, but he doesn't want a life where Kate isn't a part of it.
She's a little wary of bringing this up, "You made a reference a few minutes ago about my 'old lovers.' If you must know about the guys on the task force, Sorenson is the only one there who I've been intimate with. Kyle was a shy nerd that I went to a poetry slam with instead of prom, and Luis was a pimple faced teen who was thrilled to be seen with a 'model' while I was enamored with his future title of knight. Both were merely high school sweethearts. Demming and I never actually got around to..." She waves her hand rather than use the word.
"Oh, okay."
She waits and takes another sip of coffee. Suddenly he's very good at being quiet. "That's it? Okay? You were angry at me but now you're not?"
"I was surprised by the unexpected additions to the task force. I was tired and reacted badly. Forget it ever happened."
She's studying him because she can't figure him out anymore. "I'm not going to forget about it. I want to fix it." She knows he has a big heart, but there's a lot more with him that isn't 'okay.'
"Geeze, Beckett, it's 4:30 in the morning. All things considered, it's fine."
She is going to keep pushing because they've had too many miscommunications. " I want to accept the blame for what went wrong the last time we saw each other. I thought it was best to use only people who already knew about the cover up on mom's case, but I didn't communicate their background with you and let you share in the decision making. I used one of the security guy's phones to contact AuClair and Winston. I see Luis and his wife every year at a law enforcement seminar when I use my vacation days so the captain stops grumbling about me taking time off. Kyle is like a brother to me. I wrote him while he was deployed and we have a goofy tradition of sending comic books to each other. The last time I saw him was to attend his wedding when he finally got his long-time girlfriend to marry him. I don't know what else you need to know or what you want me to do. Should I send everyone on the task force home because the case needs people working it with no past connections to me?"
Shit. "No! Geeze Beckett, it's your mother's case. You have every right to bring in whoever you want to work on it. Sorenson and Demming need all the help they can get but you're right that the fewer people we bring in from the outside the better. It was a smart move but my ego got bruised. Ignore it."
"I won't ignore what hurts you. I have to admit I wonder if you're really sitting on the sidelines safely out of harm's way. Should I be here with you to work on the case? I thought you and I were partners and we were sitting this one out, but if I've got it wrong then tell me and let me do my share."
Hell, he's made a real mess of things. The last thing he wants is Beckett nosing around everything he's doing. The best defense is a good offense: "Like you're really staying out of the case?"
She responds in a tightly controlled tone, "Rick, quit trying to pick a fight with me. I'm pissed off about a few things too, but I refuse to let my dead mother take priority over my living partner. I know that's new for me, but I'm using my stubborn streak to prove it."
She continues to deflect his accusation, "I won't evade your question either. The task force asked for details about the Lockwood escape and I said they exhibited military precision. They also asked about any possible interaction between Vulcan Simmons, drugs, and my mom's cases. I answered the questions and suggested Luis and Kyle could be trusted sources to help them investigate the drugs and military connection further. I can't prove I'm staying out of it but we can do all future calls together so you'll know the extent of my involvement."
"Dammit! Will you stop being so accommodating? We're fine. I had a temper tantrum. Let it go." He's never had good impulse control but these days he's too tired to mask his emotions.
She softens her tone, "We used to be completely in sync with each other. Last I heard you severed all ties with the NYPD. It's seems like you don't want to be my partner anymore. I'm trying to find out what's going on without getting into another argument with you."
He can predict where this is going. She will be pissed if he evades and worried if he's honest, but if she's trying to be more open he might as well see how their feelings survive the truth. "It's better if law enforcement can disavow any involvement with me. I don't want to taint the eventual prosecution." He forestalls her indignation on his behalf, "My connections and the information that comes from me could cast enough doubt on the rest of the evidence that defense team could benefit from it."
She's scary calm. "You are not sitting on the sidelines staying safely out of the fray."
"I'm safe and I'm on the sidelines."
"If you are so safe, why do you walk out of your bedroom with a loaded gun?"
"It's a good thing I do. You never know when a ninja assassin might be waiting for you!"
It fails to get a smile. "Rick, I'm pleading with you to stop investigating. Don't give them any reason to come after you."
"Beckett, they're already coming after you. I can't stand by and watch it happen again. It'll kill me more slowly than a bullet but the result will be the same. And despite how self aggrandizing this is going to sound, it's true: This loyal little task force cannot possible play by the rules and take down a large, well funded criminal organization that has been operating for years - at least not before they find you. I have the means and methods to counter them and will not sit by and do nothing. I would be a worthless jackass if I walked away because I was too scared or it costs too much money. I know I am ignoring what you want, but I can't ignore what my own moral compass is telling me."
She shakes her head and wraps her arms around herself. "I'm toxic. It would have been better if they had succeeded. I set things in motion and it's too late to stop the butterfly from causing a hurricane."
"Kate, don't do that to yourself. I still believe in the magic of the universe. I really think he is going down."
"Rick, even if the dragon is unmasked the cost is too high. Look at what's happening: You're a walking zombie. Your mother is so worried she asked me to come check on you. I know you sold the Ferrari to pay off informants. It's because of me you ended your relationship with the NYPD. My shooting destroyed your ability to fulfill contractual obligations with Black Pawn to the point that your career is in jeopardy. Heaven forbid if the dragon finds out what you're doing and comes after your family. Let me help! We're stronger when we're together so let's get our partnership working again." She's trying hard to be open and fix what's wrong.
He pulls her up and wraps her in a gentle embrace like he would Alexis. "My life; my choices. You have to trust me. It's going to work out."
"Rick, I love you! That's a hell of a lot more than trusting you." She waits but he's not saying it back. She waits longer to give him another chance to say what's in his heart.
His heart is too full and his words are muddled in the juggling act he's trying to perform. "We finally have feelings for each other at the same time. Time will tell if that's enough." He is standing his ground, but not standing with her. He eases back to put some distance between them.
Kate takes it all in: the verbal and the non verbal cues. He's being... stoic and hard... not loving and inviting. "If you insist on looking into things, then I need to be by your side. I'm your partner and I want to be more."
He shakes his head. "If you insist on knowing what I'm up to you'll break your promise to stay out of the investigation and I'll always be waiting for you to break another promise to me. You can't be a part of this. You also can't stop me from playing my part." He folds his arms over his chest.
He might as well have slapped her but it's how he can make everyone leave him alone and let his plot develop.
"We need to be on the same side! Please, Rick, we need to work through this." Again she waits and searches for the slightest indication he wants his partner with him.
"Kate, I'm adamant about finishing this. I'm tired of living under this shadow when I have the means to end all the carnage. I'm not going to back down or change my mind. Please don't make it harder than it already is."
Beckett shrinks back. She's got limited options and there are no good ones. They are supposed to be partners, but they're not. She vowed to honor his choices and she vowed to stay out of the investigation. With a heavy heart she realizes she has to choose between breaking her word or letting him push her away. She's not going to get what she wants.
She searches for something to reach him. Words - it's all she's got left, "Rick, take it from someone who knows: rabbit holes have a way of swallowing a person and keeping them down. I'm going to keep reaching out to you. I won't fight with you but I'll fight for us. I want to have our 'always.'"
He closes his eyes, willing her to disappear.
With a sad shake of her head, she melts back into the dawn. The only thing keeping her upright is her mom's wisdom: Life never gives us more than we can handle.
A/N: Role reversal?