Author's note: thank you for your continued support. As stated before, this is a dark story and this chapter will have some dark parts.
Chapter 17
They didn't continue the conversation for over a week, other things taking precedence. Clarke seemed to close in on herself even more, her nightmares becoming more animated as she fought of her demons in her sleep. She got quieter. If they had thought she didn't talk before, it was nothing compared to now. She said more during her nightly ritual of screaming, crying, and begging than she did all day. Getting her to leave the cabin, or even the bed, was a challenge. Those who loved her were torn between being gentle and forcing her to speak.
Inside she was a mess. She had felt some relief that first day, feeling cocooned in her friends' love, but then she'd had the night to think. For her insecurities to surface. For the things Johnson and Dirks had said about her and her friends to come back to her mind. She had also felt naked when she'd told them and she had spent enough time being naked and vulnerable in front of those who could hurt her. While Johnson and Dirks hurt her in unimaginable ways, it was nothing compared to how these people could hurt her because she loved them so deeply. If they could never look at her the same, or decided she was too broken and pulled back, like Lexa already seemed to be doing, she couldn't bare it. So, she pulled back to help lessen the impending heartbreak, to beat them to the rejection by rejecting them first, to retreat into herself and be the shell that she'd felt she was in the dropship.
Physically and mentally, she kept working hard on regaining her strength and abilities. They were coming back. She felt both relief and sadness; once she was well enough to survive on her own, she would pull the ultimate pulling back by leaving. She had thought about darker ways to leave, but couldn't do that to them. If the wilderness took her in the end, she'd at least put on an air of giving herself a fighting chance. She'd walked away successfully, more or less, once and she planned to do it again once it was clear that she was physically and mentally able, and once it would cause the least amount of pain for those she left behind.
She still spent every night in the same bed as Lexa, but purposely kept a distance so they were not touching. Except when the nightmares would hit and she always found herself wrapped in Lexa's arms, but she'd always move away once she was calm enough. Lexa never questioned her or tried to move close to her, though Clarke would sometimes think she saw a flash of something on Lexa's face: concern, sadness, or maybe even pain. She tried hard not to dwell on it, knowing that thinking about it too much might weaken her resolve to leave. Then she realized that Lexa would be going back to Polis in just a few short weeks and wouldn't even be here when she left. It was better to sever the ties now, as much as she wanted to be close to the Commander, to be held by her, kissed by her…loved by her. It wasn't fair to Lexa to be shackled to someone as messed up as she was out of a misplaced sense of duty and a memory of the Old Clarke.
Then, it happened. Clarke woke up, sweating and breathing heavily as she finally broke from her nightmare. As always, she woke up in Lexa's arms as Lexa gently whispered to her. Once she was calm, she started pulling away to go to the other side of the bed. Lexa's arms gripped her more tightly for a moment, before Lexa hung her head and let her go. She had just moved away when she heard the whisper behind her.
"Please don't do this, Clarke," Lexa said as a sob escaped her throat.
Clarke looked at her in shock. With everything they had gone through, Clarke had never seen Lexa cry. Lexa looked up at her then, not even trying to hide the tears that streamed down her face. Clarke's chest felt tight, her resolve starting to fail, as she desperately tried to hold on to it, but the tears on Lexa's face breaking it in a way that words never could. She couldn't move, couldn't look away from Lexa. Lexa broke it, as she looked down again, her tears falling onto her lap, trying to at least partly hide her pain.
Clarke moved back over to her and lifted Lexa's chin, wondering if she had somehow imagined the tears, but they were still falling down Lexa's face. Clarke couldn't speak, her mind too filled with guilt and confusion. Finally, through her tears, Lexa spoke.
"Why don't you want me around you anymore, Clarke?"
Clarke inhaled deeply, closing her eyes to her own impending tears. She wasn't sure she could explain it in a way that Lexa could understand, but the way Lexa was looking at her demanded an answer.
"Because it's the merciful thing to do," she whispered, barely audible. That wasn't the answer Lexa expected, made obvious by the confusion on her face, so Clarke continued, "You need to move on with your life. I'm not even sure why you're still here. You don't need to waste your time on someone like me. I think you already known that, too, so I'm making it easier for you."
While Lexa' eyebrows had knit together at the beginning of what Clarke had said, they had now risen, her shock and heartbreak written all over her face, but Clarke grabbed onto the little bit of resolve she had left and sat back again, hardening her face into an emotionless mask. She needed to do this for all of their sakes.
"Clarke, no-," Lexa's broken voice was cut off.
"No, Lexa, you know it's true. You started pulling away before I did," Lexa started to say something, shaking her head, but Clarke wouldn't let her speak, "No, whether you meant to or not, you did. And it's okay, I get it."
Clarke's voice had been getting more emotional as she talked, so she took another deep breath, securing her mask once again. She looked at Lexa, her eyes taking on a dead look that made Lexa suck in a breath, "You won't have to worry about me much longer. I'm getting stronger every day. Soon, you won't have to stick to this sense of obligation to stay with me or watch out for me," Clarke thought about telling her about her plan to leave Arkadia after Lexa went back to Polis, but thought better of it as she looked at Lexa's face. It was a mixture of hurt, sadness, pain…and a hint of anger.
After a moment, Lexa spoke, something Clarke didn't like flashing in her eyes, "Clarke…what do you mean I won't have to worry about you much longer?"
Of course she would zero in on that part, even though Clarke hadn't elaborated. Clarke sighed, coming up with a logical reason to why she had said that, "You're going back to Polis and I'll be here. You know you can't stay here for much longer; you have an obligation to your people. You don't need the inconvenience of a damaged former Skaikru leader hanging on your shoulders because of your guilt or responsibility or regret."
Lexa's eyes narrowed and Clarke's mask slipped for a moment. That flash was back. "That's not what you meant, Clarke," she whispered, her voice taking on a hard edge. Clarke couldn't hold her gaze and looked down. Though she didn't technically lie to Lexa, what she had said about her going to Polis was correct, Lexa had still seen right through it. She grabbed back ahold of her resolve and forced herself to look back into Lexa's eyes. She was doing this for Lexa's sake anyhow. Lexa might be a bit sad for a while, grieving the Old Clarke more than this new shell, but she would probably come to be relieved in the end.
"Clarke, what do you mean by I won't be worried for much longer?" This time she didn't whisper and the anger that had shown on her face made itself known in her voice.
Clarke forced herself to maintain eye contact, forced her chin up slightly as her face remained void of emotion, and clenched her jaw shut.
Lexa got up out of the bed and lit the lamp that sat on the dresser. When she turned around, Clarke saw that flash again and finally recognized what it was: fear. She didn't understand why what she said would make Lexa afraid, but Clarke forced herself to remain impassive, reminding herself that she was doing this for Lexa's own good.
Lexa approached the bed again, "Answer me. What are you planning, Clarke?" Clarke momentarily thought about Raven, Lincoln, and Octavia in the front room, as well as her friends outside who still insisted on camping around the cabin. Lexa wasn't yelling, but she could certainly be heard from outside.
"Clarke!" And now she did yell.
Something snapped in Clarke. Her mask fell off and now she was pissed, too.
"What the hell does it matter?" she matched Lexa's volume, "Just be glad you won't have to worry about a brain damaged invalid who forgot how to tie her own shoes or forgot that shoes even exist!"
"What the hell do you mean I won't have to worry about you? I'll always worry about you!"
"Then stop! Why would you still worry about me once I'm gone?! You don't even want to be around me! You won't even touch me," Clarke had gotten off the bed to square off with Lexa, her fire and anger matching the Commander's in its intensity.
Lexa cut her off, "I didn't stop touching you, Clarke. You stopped touching me and I respected that," Lexa growled out.
"Because I could see the writing on the wall! I'll never be who I was. They should have let me die instead of making me come back like this!" Clarke sat down on the bed, her fire and anger burning out, her mask completely off, before she continued quietly, the emotion she had fought so hard to keep out coming out in her voice, "I will never be anything but a burden. I've always done what's best for my people and what's best for all of us is for me to remove unnecessary burdens."
Lexa knelt down in front of her, her hands on Clarke's knees, "You are not a burden, Clarke. You could never be a burden to me."
Clarke scoffed and rolled her eyes, forcing back the tears, before she allowed herself to speak, "But I am and the kindest thing I can do for either of us is to leave and never come back. Let the wilderness absorb me and do what it wants with me."
"Do you really think I would ever let that happen, Clarke? I would never rest until you were found," Lexa's eyes begged Clarke's to look at her, watching as Clarke warred with herself to put on that mask of apathy.
"You would get over it when you realized you were more at peace without having to worry about me," the mask had won again.
"No, I wouldn't," Lexa didn't hide her tears, "I barely survived Costia. I would never survive losing you, especially not by your own choice. Could you really do that to me? Do you really care so little for me that you would put me through that?"
The mask lost as Clarke looked at Lexa, but she still felt she was right in her reasons, "I'm doing it for you, Lexa. For everyone, but especially for you! I can't bear the thought of being a constant burden to you. I don't think you even realize how messed up I am. I would end up dragging you down and I care too much to put you through that. You'd see, you'd realize I'm right if you just thought about it logically."
"You are not a burden, Clarke. I know you're messed up; I know you might not ever be who you were and I don't care! I want you as you are, however you are. Please, don't do this to me. I would never recover. I would never find peace. My life without you would be empty, lifeless," Lexa was sobbing, desperately trying to get through to Clarke, feeling sick at the thought of losing her.
Clarke let her tears fall as well. She believed Lexa believed what she said in this moment, but her pulling back from Clarke was likely a subconscious realization of what Clarke had already known. She thought maybe if she made Lexa realize that, on some level, she already knew what Clarke knew, then she would accept it.
"Then why won't you kiss me or reach out to touch me anymore? You don't want to touch me anymore, Lexa. I think, on some level, you already know that you would be better off without me in your life," Clarke said softly, her shoulders starting to haunch together.
Lexa laid her face down on Clarke's knees, taking deep breaths for a minute to help calm herself before answering, "I stopped kissing you or initiating physical contact with you because that needed to be your choice. You've had so many choices taken away from you in the last couple of months, both by Pike and his men, and by the people who love you in an attempt to help you. I didn't want to risk making you do anything you didn't want to. I couldn't bear the thought of accidentally violating you by taking that choice away from you and making you do something you weren't completely comfortable with doing. I want to kiss you. I want you in my arms at all times, but I've forced myself to put that into your control. The only times that resolve breaks is when you have a nightmare and I don't even think; I couldn't stop myself from doing everything in my power to get you out of them."
That was not the answer Clarke was expecting and her face showed her shock. When Lexa had laid her head on her knees, Clarke had thought that Lexa had finally seen her point of view. She had never considered that Lexa had stopped touching her because Lexa was trying to respect her and give her back what little control that she could. She couldn't even think of how to respond, her mind still trying to find reasons why what Lexa said was false, but Lexa wasn't done talking.
"This last week has been hell for me, Clarke. When you started pulling away from me, it was like you were pulling my heart out of my chest. It took everything inside of me not to pull you back, but I couldn't do that to you. I love you too much, enough to let you make that choice, but I'm not strong enough to let you leave forever," her tears continued to pour. No one except Titus, Indra, Gustus, and Anya had seen her cry since she became their Heda, and none of them had seen her cry since she lost Costia, but, in this moment, she didn't care about appearances.
Clarke broke. Any resolve to keep her plan was now gone. Regardless of what she believed, she couldn't risk hurting Lexa like that if what Lexa was saying was true. She slipped off the bed as Lexa leaned back slightly, kneeling in front of Lexa. She was nervous and she didn't know why. Slowly, she wrapped her arms around Lexa and heard her sigh before Lexa wrapped her arms around her. They didn't say anything for long minutes, just holding each other and letting the tears fall silently.
After a while, Clarke leaned back, keeping her arms on Lexa's shoulders, and looked at Lexa. Lexa looked as vulnerable as Clarke felt…and there was still fear in her eyes, no longer masked by the anger it incited. Lexa didn't know if Clarke's embrace was an acceptance of her words or Clarke's way of solidifying the goodbye. It amazed Clarke how well she could read Lexa, a skill brought on my many war council meetings and time spent in Polis. It was one skill she was glad hadn't been damaged.
She leaned her forehead against Lexa's and let out a sigh, "I could never hurt you like that. Not intentionally…I'll stay."
Lexa let out a breath of relief, leaning into Clarke's forehead. Slowly, she helped Clarke to her feet, needing to stay in physical contact. They laid down on the bed, Lexa worrying for a moment that Clarke would pull away again and put that awful space between them, but Clarke pushed herself up against Lexa, also seeming to need to be as close to Lexa as possible. They laid like that for a long time before Clarke finally spoke.
"I need to tell you what happened. I need you to have all the information so that you can understand what you're up against and make an informed decision," her voice had taken on that mask again, but Lexa just held her tighter, understanding.
"Tell me what happened, Clarke," she said softly.
Clarke started from when Pike left, from the point she hadn't been able to continue from when they had asked her to talk before. She couldn't look at Lexa, but felt her stiffen slightly at the telling of the first assault, though Lexa's hand began rubbing small circles on Clarke's back in a comforting gesture. Once she started talking, the whole story just sort of fell out. She told of the pain, the creative ways they found to hurt her. She told how they had hurt her hands and feet, how they would unshackle her to inflict worse torture that she could never hope to escape from even without bonds. She talked about how they would bring food back from Arkadia and pretend like they would give her some, only to throw it on the ground and stomp on it, saying that doing that was less of a waste than giving it to her would have been.
She spoke of the lies they had told: that Bellamy knew she was there and had said that he was glad that she was getting what she deserved. That Octavia and the others had been caught and executed; that they blamed her for abandoning them. That her own mother had made comments about wishing Clarke had stayed gone instead of trying to play leader again after people in Arkadia had started dying of starvation. That no one loved her or even cared that they didn't know where she was, or they were actively calling for her execution. She talked about seeing Bellamy and being so devastated that what they had said was true: he now hated her so much that he would participate in her torture.
She spared no details of any of it, letting it all come out. Lexa never interrupted, though she would tense at the more horrific parts, her hand continuing to rub circles on Clarke's back, her arms still holding her close. She knew it was bad, worse than she could ever imagine. She had frequent thoughts of what she would do to Pike and Johnson when she had the chance, but forced her anger down. This wasn't the time for vengeance, that would come later. This was the time to listen and let Clarke unburden herself.
By the time she was done, Clarke's voice had become almost robotic. It was a defense mechanism to keep her safe, to deal with both the pain of the memories and shield herself from the possible rejection from Lexa now that she knew all the horrifying and disgusting details. She didn't think Lexa could ever look at her again without feeling disgusted, so she kept her face down as she finished.
Lexa never stopped her ministrations as silence descended on them, letting Clarke have time to come back to herself. Finally, Clarke spoke again, whispering, "Now do you see? I'm damaged, beyond repair. You would be better off without me. You deserve so much better."
Lexa reached her hand in between them and tilted Clarke's chin up to face her. Clarke kept her eyes down for a few moments before letting her pain-filled eyes meet Lexa.
"All I see is the strong woman who somehow survived all of that and still somehow tries to put everyone else's needs before her own. You, just as you are, are the most incredible person I have ever met. And I don't want the Old Clarke, I want you."
Clarke let her tears fall, snuggling her head into Lexa's chest, before speaking again, her voice slightly muffled, "But how can you know all of that…how can you look at me and not see what they did? How disgusting I am?"
"I look at you and I see you. What they did to you isn't on you; it didn't stain you. All those vile things they did are on them and I will never be able to look at them without seeing it. They've stained themselves, not you. I see you and all I can see is how amazing you are. How strong you are. You are still the best part of my life."
Clarke sighed into Lexa's chest, allowing her arms to tighten their hold on Lexa. No more words were spoken, their embrace saying what their words could never adequately convey. Clarke fell asleep before Lexa did, Lexa's mind still processing everything she had heard. She knew that she was going to have a fight on her hands tomorrow, but it was a battle she could not lose because she knew that losing it would mean losing Clarke. She had just over two weeks left before she left Arkadia, but she would not be leaving Clarke. Eventually, sleep claimed her as well and, for the first time in over a week, she slept soundly.