TW/SELF HARM

"The good news is you survived. The bad news is you're hurt and no one can heal you but yourself."
― Clementine von Radics

Two weeks ago

''How did I never know you hurt yourself'' JJ whispered, her eyes still lingered on Emily's upper leg even though it had long since been covered. ''Because I never told you. And whenever we were undressed you were a bit busier with sex than my wellbeing'' Emily dryly replied.

''How long has this been going on?'' JJ asked, ''Since I was 15. But I stopped for a while, started again in uh-… 2009 I think'' Emily shrugged even though she felt extremely uncomfortable. ''Three years? It's been going on for three years?'' JJ exclaimed, probably angrier at herself than at Emily.

Emily hadn't even planned on ever telling JJ but the blonde had used her spare key to get into her apartment, Emily was seated on the bathroom floor with her razor when JJ had found her.

''Why didn't you tell me?'' JJ timidly asked as she sank down on the bed next to Emily ''Because I didn't want to. I didn't want you to look at me the way you are right now''.

''You're always there for me, you're always so strong. I'm sorry I didn't notice'' JJ whispered, '' It's not possible to notice if I do everything in my power so that you wouldn't notice JJ'' Emily replied.

''But why do you do it Em. Why?'' JJ asked as she scooted closer to Emily, she reached for Emily's hand and held it in hers. ''I do it to feel pain that isn't in my head or in my heart'' Emily sighed, '' and sometimes the emotional pain I feel explodes and I end up doing you know what''.

''I'm sorry that you've been hurting so much'' JJ muttered, ''It's fine JJ. Really'' Emily shrugged. JJ let go of Emily's hand and held her chin with her hand, turning her head so that Emily faced her.

'' It isn't fine Em. And I hope you realize that you need help'' JJ whispered, her thumb stroking Emily's pale cheek. ''I don't need a shrink JJ. I'm cleaning the wounds, they've never gotten infected. I'm not going to kill myself. I am fine on my own'' Emily rambled.

''But you're not fine on your own Emily'' JJ suddenly exclaimed, anger visible in her face. ''Well who else do I have? You? Oh no wait. You need to get back to your husband and son'' Emily yelled, Sergio jumped of the bed in surprise when Emily angrily stood up.

''Please let me help you Emily'' JJ begged, as tears brimmed in her eyes. '' No JJ. I can't let you help me because being with you is part of the problem'' Emily hissed, which made JJ flinch.

''W-what?'' JJ stammered, ''w-why?''. ''You come to me when you need me and that's fine JJ. We have sex, we laugh, and you leave again. Have you ever considered what it's like for me? I have to watch you sneak out every time, so that you can go back to your husband'' Emily yelled, tears rolling down her cheeks now.

''What do you want me to do Emily? For god sake what can I do?'' JJ said, '' I want you to leave him JJ. Your marriage was the doomed the moment you begged me to fuck you in the bathroom at your fucking wedding reception'' Emily explained.

''Why Emily? Why do you want me to live him? What happens then? We continue doing it in secret until you find someone else to have sex with?'' JJ asked, ''No JJ. God, I won't find someone else'' Emily replied. JJ looked taken a back '' why not?''

'' Because I'm in love with you Jennifer Jareau''.

JJ ran to the front door after that statement, leaving Emily alone in her bedroom as tears rolled down her cheeks.

Emily felt absolutely crushed, her head was spinning as she made her way over to her kitchen. She pulled it open, but it was empty. She needed wine. She needed to drown her sorrows.

Tears still brimmed in her eyes when she arrived at the 24/7 corner store, she grabbed a bottle of wine and a bottle of vodka. Just as she wanted to pay her eyes landed on the medicine section behind the counter, she asked for a few packs of a certain medicine before paying.

Back home she left the front door unlocked, the paramedics wouldn't need to kick the door down which would make it easier to resell the house after she had gone.

Emily hadn't known when she had decided she was going to do it, it hadn't been when she lied and said to JJ that she wasn't going to kill herself. It had been the look of pure disgust on JJ's face when Emily told her she was in love with him.

In her hand lay twenty white pills, in her other hand she held the bottle of vodka.

A sharp blow to her head caused her to drop the pills, so before she was even able to take one pill, her world went black.

Now

''You've lost the ability to be sneaky Emily. I can see you looking at the keys and the trapdoor'' Todd Jenkins dryly pointed out. Emily shrugged, no use in disagreeing.

''I think it's time to get up Emily'' Todd said after a moment of silence, ''It's time'' he added as he checked his watch. ''Time for what?'' Emily asked nervously, ''Your team is here''.

Emily pushed her body up, she had hardly stood up since she was captured, and her legs were incredibly sore. But impending survival gave her some extra strength, so she lunged forward and hit Todd in the face, she hit him two more times before he had both of her hands tightly in his grip.

''You're very feisty for someone whom was planning on killing herself when I captured you'' he said as he tied her hands behind her back with a blue rope. Emily ignored this and wiggled in his grip, but the pain in her body was overwhelming.

She could hear Hotch yelling for the team when she pushed the door open, followed by the feeling of the tip of the gun Todd was holding in her back. Todd pushed her to her knees in the grass and sat behind her, his left hand around the rope holding her wrists together, his right hand holding the gun against her temple.

''Todd Jenkins drop the weapon'' Hotch yelled, Emily didn't dare look up, her head hung limply to the side, only being held up by the gun against her temple. ''Agent Hotchner'' Todd smirked, ''another name dear Emily called for in her nightmares ever so often'' he laughed. ''Except for the pretty blonde agent of course. She called for the pretty blonde every time she closed her eyes''.

''I'm not going to ask you again Todd, drop the weapon'' Hotch exclaimed, ''No, I don't think I will. I need to finish it with her'' Todd said as he nudged Emily's head up with his gun. Emily's eyes met Morgan's, he was trying to tell her something, but her mind was to fuzzy to comprehend it.

''I think'' Todd started, '' that it's in everyone's best interest if Emily dies today. She gave up living before I even captured her''. Emily shuddered in his grip, she could feel their eyes on her, but she just sat there.

''If you don't drop the weapon right now, I'll have to shoot you'' Morgan said, Emily could see his feet as they shuffled closer to them. '' You shoot, I shoot Agent Morgan, is that really what you want?''.

''You underestimate my aim'' Morgan retorted, '' and you underestimate mine'' Todd said as he took the safety click off the gun. The click sent shivers down Emily's spine, she had heard it countless of times but never this close to her ear.

''And everyone underestimates mine'' someone said behind them before everything went dark.