Happy holidays, everyone! Let the lame jokes begin.
Enjoy.
All stand for the tsundere anthem.
Oh man! Should I scold him and chase him off?
Oh man! Or should I hold him close?
Should I let him to do whatever he wants,
Or should I give him a tight slap?
-roughly translated from OFFO, composed by Shankar Ehsaan Loy
Chapter One
Kurisu hated Okabe with all her heart, her body, her soul, and the voltage of Victor Chondria's Tesla Coil.
o.O.o
"It's just my luck," Kurisu admitted to herself. "Everyone I meet is either a complete raving lunatic or an egomaniac." Or, in the case of her father, both.
o.O.o
In the drafts menu of Kurisu's phone, there was a email, waiting to be sent. She couldn't remember writing it, so she figured that she must have written it long ago. Curious, she opened it.
"Contact me if you have any questions. Esp. about time travel."
In the receiver's address, was Ipvpvjo Lzpvnb.
"Who?"
o.O.o
Five minutes passed, then fifteen. His Assistant still had not replied. This was a little strange. Okabe had been sure that this message would pique her curiosity.
This wasn't fair. His Assistant had to reply immediately! Otherwise what good was she?
At about three, the buzz of his phone startled him into the air. The phone went flying under the table, so he got down on his hands and knees and groped around. Lying underneath the table, limbs in disarray, he read:
I'm sorry, but I don't believe in delusions such as this. You clearly can't show me any proof, and so I have to conclude that you either happened to be in the right place at the right time, or that you are a pervert with some kind of blood fetish. Thank you for saving me, good night, and don't message me any further.
It wasn't supposed to turn out this way. She was supposed to say, "Yes, you're right, Hououin Kyouma! I believe you because you triggered my memories of other worldlines! Let's throw the world into chaos together! We will rule over the world, you and I!"
And he would say, "I will be the one ruling over the world, but you can be my Assistant." And she would blush and agree.
o.O.o
"These are facts, and they won't change. As I said, it's difficult to prove, but not impossible-"
"How would you prove something like that?" She demanded. "There's no way you could possibly prove that you time travelled! You're delusional! Stark raving nuts!"
He took another step towards her. "The thing I most want at the moment is 'my fork'. I already have 'my spoon'." Were these not your own words, Assistant?"
She dropped down to the floor, and for a moment he was afraid that she had fainted, but he realised that she was shaking violently, as though she had hypothermia. "How...? How did you-? How did you look inside my head?"
He kneeled down, and offered her his labcoat. She pushed it away. He offered it again.
"How did you look inside my head?!"
"I didn't. We agreed that this would be the password to convince you that I had really travelled through time."
"You can't just give the whole thing away like that!" Kurisu snorted. Okabe stood up and shrugged. "But it makes the most sense. Why wouldn't I?"
"But where's the tension? The drama? The rest of this entire fanfiction was rendered redundant and useless!"
"Not everything works like a romcom, perverted genius girl."
Chapter 2
"That's Hououin Kyouma to you, Christina!"
"If you're going to insist on me calling you that ridiculous name, then at least stop calling me Christina!"
"I SAID SHUT UP!" Some weird bald guy yelled from downstairs.
"YOU SHUT UP!"
"YOU SHUT UP!"
Kurisu pulled out a well-used card from her pocket. It was green with a reverse sign on one side, and UNO on the other.
"Atchaneller."
"DIE, OKABE!"
o.O.o
"Oh, if you're going with someone, it's not that unsafe. But Kurisu, who's the second ticket for?" Mayuri asked in all her innocence.
"You." Kurisu said hurriedly. "I know we've only known each other for one day – but I feel like we've really connected. There's just nobody else in Tokyo I can trust. Please?"
Two years later, they got married. In 2026, they had a child. Fortunately or unfortunately, like the old parable about Einstein and the woman who wanted to marry him, their little girl inherited Kurisu's looks and Mayuri's intelligence.
Her name was Kagari.
Chapter 3
Kurisu seemed reluctant to stand in the Ward Office line alone - what was she so nervous about, it wasn't like these old people were going to suddenly turn into cannibals and eat her up?
Okabe suddenly remembered the time he had stolen a private plane to fly to an allegedly deserted island with Mayuri, only for her to be eaten by cannibals. Convergence sucked.
o.O.o
"As I explained to you before, you may have refused the pin, but the pin will never refuse you." Okabe said.
"Give it to me." said Kurisu.
"What? Why?" She really wanted it? Did she remember? Was this all a wonderful dream?
"When I burn down the Ward Office, I'll be sure to melt the pin too." Kurisu lit a match and soon, the old wood and plaster building was on fire. She threw in the pin.
"Without the pin, my life has no meaning." Okabe declared, and ran in. Kurisu felt vaguely guilty, and ran in after him. Every single person in the office died.
Except Okabe and Kurisu.
Convergence was convenient.
Chapter 4
"Okarin, Mayushii's very disappointed in you."
Well, that was better than her being dead. "Why are you disappointed in me?"
"You aren't going to buy us any souvenirs, are you? I knew it."
o.O.o
"Okarin, Mayushii's very disappointed in you."
Well, that was better than her being dead. "Why are you disappointed in me?"
"If you're not going to sleep, do it for the right reasons!"
Okabe was completely stunned. I'm going to murder Daru. How did he manage to corrupt her in the one day I wasn't there?
"Like me! I'm completing all my summer homework!"
o.O.o
It had been Mayuri who none of them were prepared to sacrifice, Kurisu thought in her sleep-deprived haze. She was just a child, a doll, but children could be deadly when they got a knife, look at what Nae had done. If you pushed someone far enough, they could do absolutely anything. Suzuha had travelled back in time to rescue the world from dystopia. Faris and Luka - how had she given up her father's life, how had he give up his chance at a female body? Had they felt trapped, frozen, on the street, lost in the crowd, an imposter, a zombie amongst humans?
"No," Okabe said. "That's just you."
Chapter 6
The way he drawled, "Well, then," Kurisu knew that Okabe knew that she knew. She badly wanted to respond to the sheer amusement in his eyes, but all the acid in her tongue failed her.
He time travelled. More importantly-
"You built a time machine."
He twinkled and beamed. Too smug. Much too smug.
Chapter 7
Unfortunately, Okabe and Kurisu forgot to buy any clothes at the convenience store they visited. All their old clothes were smelly, wet, and wouldn't dry immediately. What to do?
"Okabe, do you have any clean clothes?"
A muffled no came through the bathroom door. Kurisu crossed over and knocked on the door. "Here, take these." A hand emerged and scooped up her offerings, then returned them. "Christina. I cannot wear any of these. These are all women's clothes."
"I'm not letting you wear my father's clothes, so you're going to wear my mother's."
"You know what, I'll wear this one." A hand selected a pair of red shorts with green spaceships on them.
Kurisu snorted. "Those used to be mine."
"Seriously?"
"We bought them at the NASA gift shop when I spilled juice on my dress."
"From seven years ago? Why are they so big?"
"They didn't have my size with rocketships, okay?!"
Chapter 8
Hououin Kyoumb: I know you took it.
Assistant: What are you going to do about it?
Hououin Kyoumb: Nothing. Keep it.
Assistant: Are you sure? By the way, if you ever go to the airport, you should try out these pizza flavoured chips they're selling. They're not bad. Actually, they're really good. I wish they sold these outside the airport.
Hououin Kyoumb: Are you asking me to come see you off?
Assistant: You wish.
Assistant: I mean, since you're insisting, I wouldn't mind. Since you're jobless anyway.
Thanks to one and all, and enjoy your holidays.