(Author's notes: Happy New Year to You! I hope you had a nice Christmas. 3 I'm glad you are still here… Sorry for disappearing, but I realised at Christmas, that some intense scenes are coming in the following chapters and they aren't really Christmas friendly… I didn't want to depress you during a lovely holiday, so here we are, you can get sad now. :D Sorry, that's not my intention, but the show must go on. 😊 Let's not waste another word. 3

Song to listen: "Paralyzed" by Against the Current. Listen before reading. 3 )

I gave Negan lunch and dinner without looking at each other, without saying a word. I couldn't sleep that night.

Thoughts were racing through my mind.

I knew it was forbidden, but I left my house at night.

I saw Eugene was the guard this time. My house was close to the front gate.

- Hey! – he said, warningly. Of course, he noticed me.

- Sorry! I know I shouldn't be out here. – I said.

- That is exactly right. – he said seriously.

I went up to him to the lookout post, he was looking at me like I was an alien.

- Sorry. I can't sleep. – I wiped my red, puffy eyes. Eugene frowned his eyebrows. – Sorry, I'm Quinn.

- I know you.

- You do?

- Well, you don't talk much, but you were with us for a long time.

- Yeah, I don't talk much…

- May I state that you are in deep depression?

- I noticed, but thanks.

- Do you want to talk about it?

I laughed sarcastically.

- I rather not. – he looked disappointed. I didn't want to hurt his feelings rejecting his kindness. – Sorry, I didn't mean that way. My problem is minor and ridiculous.

- I get it, you don't want to talk about it with someone you barely know.

- That's not it. I don't even know anyone. The people I knew are already dead. Carol is my only friend.

- Then why don't you go after her?

Got'cha, I talk before I think again… Smart one. Now I have to make up something that keeps me here, so Eugene won't figure it out. But then I realised he was living with Negan for some time, so I guess a half-truth might satisfy him.

- I have to feed Negan. No one wants to do that and I don't mind.

He frowned his eyebrows again.

- You choose to feed a murderer over being with your only friend?

I sighed.

- I'm awkward, I know.

- About awkwardness, I know a lot.

- I guess I'm just lonely. I can't talk to anyone.

- Well, we are talking right now.

I wish I could talk to you… I wish I could tell you everything. Maybe I could? He managed to deceive Negan, so he can keep secrets, I guess… But no. He might tell Michonne. Or Rosita, who tells Michonne. I sighed again.

- I confessed my love to Daryl Dixon two years ago. And it just came to my mind and made me depressed again. – well, that was half true, but it wasn't the reason of my depression.

The face Eugene made was priceless.

- You did what? – he asked. I started to laugh, I couldn't stand it.

- Yeah. I know you are in love with Rosita, so I guess we are in the same boat.

- How do you know that? – his face went red.

- Come on. Everyone knows that. But it's okay. I guess we could start a club.

He made a strange face again.

- Guess not… I told you I'm awkward. – I said.

- Well… You are. – he said finally.

I nodded my head and left, giggling.

The moment when you realise you are more awkward than Eugene.

He doesn't see Negan's cell from his guarding post. Maybe I could… peek a little?

The cell was on my way to my house so…

I stopped by his window. He was lying on his bed, but… he was awake. I gasped.

- Stalking much? – he said, with a faint smile.

- Sorry. About what I said…

- Don't be, you were right.

- You can't sleep?

- As you see.

I looked around and I saw no one. Not even Eugene. The post was for looking out for danger from outside the walls, not the ones inside. I slipped through the door and went down to his cell. He looked at me surprised, sat up on his bed. I was looking him in the eye.

- When did this happen? – I asked. My sudden bravery surprised me too.

- What? – he asked.

- I don't remember feeling anything for you and now… I mean… You know.

He stood up, came to the bars slowly. It was a full moon outside, so I could see him clearly in the moonlight that came through the window.

- Do you have feelings for me? – he asked with a half-smile. He came to the iron bars and leant against it. He was close to me.

- I guess… I do. – I said. What the hell I was doing? I felt butterflies in my stomach. My heart beat faster.

- And what about Dixon? You said you didn't know.

- I know now.

- So what? – he asked. Oh, how pompous he was! He wanted me to confess to him, but that won't happen.

Now it was my turn. I stepped to him and kissed him on his lips. He didn't pull away. He kissed back immediately. His hand was on the back of my neck. After a while I slowly backed away. I looked him in the eye. He didn't say a word, just stared at me.

- I'm still scared for your life. – I whispered. – And I don't want to feel these things.

I saw sadness in his eyes, but still he nodded.

- I get it. – he said. – We shouldn't do this.

His expression turned very serious suddenly. He took a step back.

- You should go.

I nodded my head and left.

I went to my house and back to my bed. I didn't want to hurt him. I was hurting myself at the same time as well.

Why was he awake? Is he always or just tonight?

It would warm my heart to know if he was awake because of me. But that was just illusion. I managed to fall asleep somehow. I can't remember what I dreamed about.

The next day I went down to him. Breakfast, lunch, he didn't say a word. Didn't even look at me. When I brought him dinner I asked:

- You won't talk to me anymore?

He looked at me slowly, his expression changed.

- What should I say?

- I don't know. You were always talking about something.

- I don't want to talk right now.

- But… I thought…

He leapt to his feet suddenly and came to the bars.

- I just wanted to trick you into having sex with me! But you are such a frigid bitch, you are useless! – he seemed angry and serious. Almost like the first time he yelled at me, when I asked him to wash himself. I started to tremble. I didn't notice, but tears were rolling down my cheeks. I left immediately.

I was crying all night. Next day I put down his meals and left as fast as I could, without even looking at him.

I thought we had a connection. I thought he felt something too when he calmed me down during the storm.

Maybe it's better this way. We won't get killed. But I won't be happy either.

And I was deeply disappointed.

(Author's notes: I know you know what's next… :D

"I knew you were trouble" by Taylor Swift. Thank You for reading! 3

PS.: I would like to ask You to leave opinions, especially if you don't like something, because I'm practicing and I would like to learn from my mistakes. Also, English is not my first language, so feel free to correct me or leave opinion on my English too. Thank You! 3 (By the way, that's why I indicate dialogues in a different way, with a dash, because we use this in my country. I realised it's not this way in English books, so I will write my other fanfictions with quotation marks, but I will continue this one with the dashes, because it would hurt my eyes just to change it from one chapter to another.) Thank You for being here and reading! 3)