Chapter 9

"Why didn't you watch out for her?" Jay said, more desperate than he was aware of. "Why? I should have been there, dammit!"

"You're damn right, you should have been there!" Voight answered quietly, clearly more worried than angry. But Jay didn't realize that.

"Oh, I should?" he snapped. "Now I'm suddenly important to the unit? Now that YOU failed to protect her?"

"You wanted to leave, Halstead. That was your decision!" Voight replied, his voice louder and angrier, hiding his own worry. "And that's why Hailey's in surgery now, fighting for her life!"

Jay opened his mouth, ready to yell, almost ready to punch Voight.

"Enough!" Trudy's sharp voice interrupted them. "Are you two out of your minds?"

She spoke quietly, but had everyone's immediate attention. "Hailey's in surgery, and you two have nothing better to do than continue your stupid fight? Your totally idiotic, childish, and right now more than inappropriate fight?"

Jay stared at her, all energy seemed to leave his body, his shoulders slumped.

Voight was still standing there, hands on his waist, yet listening to Trudy, frozen in mid-sentence.

"Don't you think it's enough now? You both know the unit needs Jay. And you do too, Hank. Jay, you know you want to be part of the unit. So put this crap aside and be there for Hailey."

Jay didn't say a word, just stared at the floor, feeling like a stubborn kid. He knew that Trudy was right, that there were more important things now than fighting with his Sergeant, but it was so difficult, so very difficult.

"Hm," Voight uttered. "We'll talk when this is over."

"Good enough for me," Trudy concluded, took Jay's arm again. "You sit down here, Jay. And I'll wait with you." Her voice got very soft, all of a sudden, she was as protective of Jay as anyone could be, and Jay was so thankful for that. Someone was actually there for him, with him, in this situation. He did what she said, sat down, and Trudy sat down beside him. Kim came to sit down on his other side.

"Jay, she'll pull through. Hailey's a fighter, you know that."

"It's my fault," he whispered, close to tears.

"No, it's not," Kim disagreed. "The only one responsible is the guy who shot her."

Jay swallowed hard, unable to reply. He felt first Adam's hand, then Kevin's hand briefly patting his shoulder, showing their support, but he was unable to react. He just sat there waiting, while Trudy's hand rested on his back.

The group of cops waiting with Intelligence changed, some left, others appeared. The unit stayed, silently waiting for news on Hailey. There was nothing urgent to do about the case, the wrap-up could be completed later. This was important, right here, right now.

It was a deja-vu.

Only a short while ago everyone had been waiting for news on Jay right here in this hospital.

Jay didn't know how long he just sat there, frozen to the chair, until finally Doctor Marcel opened the door to the OR.

As soon as he saw the Doctor, Jay jumped to his feet.

Crockett recognized Jay and approached him directly, a somber look on his face.

The other members of Intelligence gathered around them, Trudy still close by Jay's side.

"How is she?" Jay almost didn't dare to ask, his voice breaking. Trudy took his hand, surprising both of them with this gesture.

"We removed the bullet," Crockett explained. "It was difficult, as it was close to an artery and nerves."

"So she's okay?"

"The next 24 hours are crucial. If no further bleeding occurs, and if she can move when she wakes up, then we'll know."

"So you tell me you don't know?" Jay asked, masking his despair with anger.

But Crockett didn't take the bait, he was used to desperate relatives, he understood Jay.

"I said we removed the bullet. Under the circumstances she's okay, but we have to wait and see."

"Can I see her?"

Crockett nodded, "Come with me."

Jay followed him without any further word, Trudy still by his side, Voight following both. Jay didn't care about him. Voight didn't matter now.

He entered the ICU, the room, to which they had moved Hailey, preparing for the worst. He was still so thankful that Trudy hadn't left his side.

Hailey didn't look as bad as he had expected, more like she was sleeping an uneasy sleep. She breathed without assistance, lay still in her bed, only a needle in the back of her hand, providing her with some liquid. Medicine or whatever, Jay didn't particularly care. He walked up to her bed, took her free hand in his. It was so cold.

"Hailey," he whispered, not caring the slightest bit who was listening. "Hailey, I'm here. I'm so sorry I didn't have your back. Please come back to me. Please."

He barely noticed that Trudy pulled up a chair, made him sit down. Didn't notice that the team joined them in the room, didn't care.

After a while, Crockett came back. "Everyone out now. It's too crowded in here."

"I'm not going anywhere," Jay whispered.

Crockett nodded. "I figured. Jay, you can stay, but everyone else leaves now. You go home, there's nothing you can do here."

Adam, Kevin, Kim approached Hailey's bed one after the other, said a few quiet words, patted Jay's shoulder. When they were gone, Voight came closer too.

"Let me know if anything changes," he said to Jay and turned around to leave.

In the end only Trudy was still there with them. She put her arm around Jay's shoulders protectively. "Jay, you're not alone in this," she promised. "I'll be right outside, and when I need to leave, I'll make sure either Mouch or Kim are there. Don't beat yourself up. Just be here for Hailey."

Jay nodded, "Thank you, Trudy."

And then he was alone with Hailey. And with his thoughts.

Jay didn't leave Hailey's side. He barely noticed that from time to time a nurse entered the room, checked on her vitals, checked the monitors, and left again. He wouldn't be able to say if it was always the same nurse or a different one every time. All he cared for was Hailey, lying there, pale and immobile. He held her hand, rubbed her knuckles with his thumb, stared at her face. Time was non-existent – it was slowing down and racing at the same time. At some point the lights in the hallway were switched on, outside the sun set and it went dark. The lights in Hailey's room were dimmed as well, but Jay didn't notice, didn't care.

Nothing happened, Hailey's condition didn't change. Not for the better, not for the worse.

He barely managed to raise his head when a hand softly touched his shoulder.

"Jay," he heard a voice.

Kim.

It took all his willpower to look up.

"Yeah?"

"Jay, you should sleep."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"But..."

"Not up for discussion."

"Okay, Jay." Kim gave in. "Then I will get you something to eat and to drink. Any preferences?"

"Whatever."

"Jay, I'm here to help."

"Sorry."

"Do you need fresh clothes? We can get it for you. Just give me your key, and Adam will drive to your place."

That might be a good idea, Jay thought, nodded and gave Kim his keys. "Thank you."

"Jay, she will be okay," Kim said.

Jay just shrugged. "I can't lose her."

"You won't."

When Kim had left, he put his head down on Hailey's bed, suddenly noticing how exhausted he was. He fell into an uneasy sleep and didn't wake up when Kim returned with a bag of sandwiches and a coke and put both on the table. He didn't wake up either when a while later Adam entered the room and put a bag with Jay's clothes on the floor.

Adam remained in the room for a minute, leaned against the wall and watched the two of them. What a horrible situation. First Jay quit, then Hailey got shot. Of course Adam felt guilty. It was a tip of his CI after all that put Hailey in this situation. Usually he was not one to feel guilt, he took life as it was, but he cared for Hailey – and Jay, of course – and he couldn't prevent feeling at least a bit responsible. His CI hadn't betrayed him, it was not the CI's fault that Hailey had been ambushed, but still. The feeling wasn't good.

He stepped up to Hailey's other side, put a hand on her shoulder and left. He wasn't needed here.

In his uneasy sleep Jay subconsciously noticed that people came and left, but his body and mind were too exhausted to react.

It was late at night, when he finally did wake up, and he wasn't sure what it was that had roused him. His neck and his back hurt from the uncomfortable position he had been in, and he stretched, rubbed his neck with one hand, the other still holding Hailey's hand.

It took a moment before he noticed that her hand was not as cold anymore. Was that the warmth of his own hand or a sign that she was getting better? He rose, leaned over her face, softly caressed her cheek.

Her eyes were moving under closed eyelids. A good sign?

"Hailey, I'm here. I'm always here," he whispered with a voice that was almost breaking. "Please, please wake up."

She sighed softly, as if trying to do what he asked for. Unsuccessfully.

After another – longer – sigh, her eyes stopped moving, she seemed to fall back into a deeper sleep or unconsciousness, Jay couldn't tell.

Jay placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "Don't give up, Hailey. Fight it. For us. I promise I will apologize and come back. Anything you want, just don't leave me."

Jay noticed how desperate he sounded, but he couldn't care less. He closed his eyes, holding back the tears.

"Jay?" A sound so soft, he wasn't sure if it was real or if he imagined it.