~or~

Why You Should Never Ever Call Akaryu A Girl

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A day after accepting the mission to escort Tazuna the bridge builder home, Konan slowed their wagon to a halt. Tazuna had been planning to walk, but Konan had put an immediate stop to that by producing a wagon from a seal and creating an origami horse out of her paper. Tazuna had been overjoyed at the prospect once he got over his shock at seeing her pull a horse and wagon seemingly from thin air.

Now in the middle of a dusty road in the middle of nowhere, Konan stopped the wagon with a frown. "Akaryu-kun?" she asked without looking over her shoulder.

Akaryu rose from his seat on the back of the wagon where he kept up rear watch and looked, immediately spotting the reason Konan had stopped. He nodded, "I'm on it."

He set his shovel on the wagon and dove off the back into the ground like it was a swimming pool. Tazuna took a second to gape at the hole he had made and then took an unsettled and long drink from his ever present sake bottle. He almost choked on it when the road ahead of them exploded a few moments later. He looked back to the front and saw Akaryu dragging two smoldering figures twice his size out of the immense crater that was now taking up half the road.

Konan smiled, "Excellent work Akaryu-kun. Sasuke-kun, Naruto-kun, stay with the client. Defensive procedure 1." She calmly rose and leapt from the driver's seat, over her origami horse and floated down next to them. Naruto immediately manifested almost forty shadow clones and he and Sasuke both began pulling weapons out of seals. Half of Naruto's clones drew machetes and headed into the woods on either side of the road, hacking noisily through the underbrush as they sought to flush out any further assailants. The other half circled the wagon, half a dozen in it forming a tightly packed meat shield around Tazuna inside the wall of literal shields they had gotten from the seal, and the others circling the wagon, splitting into pairs to form a perimeter. Half of them had crossbows and the other half had large tower shields like what the ones in the wagon were carrying.

Sasuke stepped to the driver's seat and immediately began scouring the area with his sharp eyes as he held the bow and arrow he'd yanked from the scroll on the side of his pouch at a ready position. Bows and arrows weren't a typical shinobi weapon, being considered such a pedestrian option that many shinobi scorned their use, but they did provide a far greater range than even the best thrown kunai or shuriken which made them ideal for sniping. Given the strong possibility of Sasuke awakening his Sharingan eventually and gaining highly acute visual perception, Konan had insisted he learn to use a bow with Akaryu chiming in that arrows could also carry a lot more blasting tags than a kunai.

Naruto had been given a crossbow as it was a much simpler weapon to learn since Naruto's aim was...disappointing to say the least. Point, squeeze, pull, load, repeat wasn't difficult even for him, and it was something his clones could keep straight VERY easily. Where Sasuke could and usually did take a scalpel like approach to things, Naruto was blunt to a fault and his usual solution to a wall was to beat his head into it harder until it broke. With the Multi-shadow clone jutsu at his disposal, this had become a surprisingly effective method given that he now had an army's worth of heads on call, but it still wasn't the most shinobi-esque approach and Konan had been steadily trying to break him of the habit and get him to use his head more.

Much progress had been made in that department, but Naruto was still at his core a very simple and direct young man, so Konan and his team had made efforts to work to his strengths rather than put all their focus on repairing his faults. Thus Akaryu had taught Naruto how to make large wooden shields and reinforce them with simple but effective seals. Simple though they might be, they were extraordinarily beneficial for Naruto's highly fragile clones as it gave them portable cover to extend their life spans. "A shinobi would never carry a tower shield like this, they're too bulky and with how light and fast shinobi combat usually is they're a terrible hindrance. I only know a very small handful of shinobi who could carry something like this unencumbered and it's not their style at all so they never would," Akaryu explained when Naruto asked why such shields wasn't more common, "but when you summon your shadow clones as an army, then you're not a shinobi anymore, you're a general and your clones are your army. An army equipped with tower shields can become a living wall, and with the amount of chakra you've got to put into these reinforcement seals, your armies will be an absurdly tough one. As much as you beat your head into walls, you should know how dangerous a pissed off wall can be." Naruto looked confused for a second and then a wicked grin spread across his face.

Akaryu and Konan had also worked quite hard to hammer some basic infantry strategy into Naruto's head, and it had paid off well. Pitting him against Sasuke and Akaryu in strategy games had proven that he could learn, and while quantity was no substitute for quality barring extreme cases that strained even Naruto's reserves, with Konan, Sasuke and Akaryu helping him understand his losses and making suggestions, Naruto had quickly developed into a surprisingly capable tactician.

There had been a little bit of a learning curve when they started doing trial runs to use Naruto's clones as the literal army they were, but that had been quickly overcome and once Naruto figured out how to create trigger seals, even Akaryu had declared quite firmly that he never EVER wanted to try infiltrating a real fortress Naruto had been put in charge of. The fact that he was breathing heavily when he said it and covered in orange paint speckles from only narrowly escaping numerous of Naruto's paint bomb mock traps had Naruto glowing with pride despite the literal army of clones Akaryu had exterminated mostly barehanded while serving as a distraction for Sasuke to carry out the real infiltration and the kunai buried in the eye of the straw dummy he was supposed to be protecting.

So now Tazuna watched through a gap in the wall of bodies and wood in shock as orange clad clones circled the wagon and scoured the area with surprising martial efficiency. Over half a dozen crossbows loaded with exploding crossbow bolts were ready to fire at any attackers foolish enough to enter their range and then duck back behind their partners' tower shields, and nearly two dozen of the orange clad troopers were scouring the brush with very sharp machetes.

Tazuna's eye twitched, "What the hell are you people?" Getting turned into a donkey, a wagon pulled from air drawn by a horse made of paper, and now a literal one man army?

Then the clones around him all answered in eerie synchronicity, "We're Leaf-nin!" Tazuna started slightly at the immediate and resounding answer and immediately started chugging as he resisted the urge to cry a little at how completely bonkers his life had become. He was quite unaware that Sasuke had talked Naruto into learning how to make his clones talk in unison like that for the exact purpose of freaking people out.

Then Akaryu and Konan strode back over to the wagon and Konan reached through the wall of Naruto clones to catch Tazuna by the lapel and drag him in close where there was no escape from the lethal orange gaze above her apparently friendly smile, "So Tazuna-san…let's talk about the multi-millionaire who's got a hit out on you."

Tazuna felt himself go ice cold in terror. There wasn't a shred of mercy in those eyes. I didn't know ice could be orange… "I-i-i…I'm sorry…I, my country needs me! I didn't know he hired assassins I swear!"

"And yet you still felt the need to stop by Konoha to pick up a shinobi escort," Konan drawled, "How remarkably convenient."

Tazuna could almost feel himself physically shriveling under the furious Jonin's gaze and once more he felt a striking urge to cry, "I-I'm so sorry…my, my country is so poor…ever since Gato came, even if we put all our money together we wouldn't have enough to pay for a high mission…All the money we've got we've put towards the bridge…T-the others can't…they won't finish if I'm not there to keep things going…I shouldn't have left but we couldn't finish without the mortar shipment and nobody else was willing to make the journey…I-I got a letter…my fellow supervisors, the ones who helped me gather the manpower and resources for the bridge, they've all been killed…if I die too then nobody will be left to stand up to him…P-please, you're the only chance I have! That my family, no my whole nation has! If nobody helps us then our country will never recover! Please! Please…help us…I'm so sorry…" By this point it wasn't a mere urge anymore, his emotions and the cheap beer he drank to hang on had gotten to him.

Konan's death glare held for a moment more and then softened as she smiled slyly and patted him on the cheek, "There. That wasn't so hard now was it?"

"Huhuh?" Tazuna blubbered in confusion, a little too surprised by the sudden shift in demeanor to form a coherent question in his current state.

Konan straightened up and sighed with a small smile, "Fortunately for you, Gato has exceptionally deep pockets. He was able to hire one of the best of the best to kill you, Zabuza Momochi."

"How is that a good thing?" Sasuke asked warily.

Konan showed him the small booklet she'd been quietly holding in her free hand with a smile, "Because "the Demon of the Mist" Zabuza Momochi is an A-Rank nukenin worth seven hundred and fifty thousand ryo for attempting to overthrow the Mizukage." She folded the book back closed and it shuffled itself away into her paper body before being replaced with a black top hat as a black tuxedo jacket with two tapered tails and white gloves formed on her figure. She set her hat on head and smiled a grin at Tazuna that was possibly even more unnerving than the glare had been, "So Bait-kun, we have three quarters of a million ryo worth of reason to stick around! Boys, welcome to your first A-Rank!"

She laughed excitedly and all three of her students (including every one of Naruto's clones that was paying attention) immediately had to quell nosebleeds. Kami Konan-sensei's hot when she's in a good mood… Sasuke thought to himself before noting with a wry grin how much his personality had been repressed by Itachi's genjutsu and then souring slightly at the thought of his brother. Then he shook his head, No brooding! That's what he WANTED!

He turned and high fived the nearest Naruto clone to snap himself the last little bit out of the momentary funk, "PAY DAY!" "HELL YEAH!" the Narutos cheered in unison.

Akaryu grinned as he used a jutsu from his shovel to bury the corpses of the Demon brothers into the crater he'd blown in the road. He threw down a seal from Konan-sensei that would make sure they could find the bodies again on their way back through. Dead heads weren't worth much if you couldn't find them to turn them in!

==Two Days Later==

The massive sword whistled through the air, decapitating the unaware genin and the bridge builder in the wagon behind them, leaving nobody but the bored looking silver haired jonin driving the wagon alive. The jonin stopped the wagon and looked around in confusion, "Huh? Did something just fly by? Team? Did you hear any…guys? GUYS?!" He leapt to his feet in the driver's seat as the sight of his dead team and client greeted him when he turned around.

Then an eerie low chuckle reverberated through the thick fog hanging over the area, "Well well, looks like you've gotten soft, Kakashi of the Sharingan…"

The silver haired man whirled, his one visible eye wide, "Who's there?!" Then his eye lit on a figure halfway up a tall tree, crouching on the handle of an immense sword that was buried in the tree's trunk.

"Are you so out of touch with reality that you don't know me?" Zabuza asked angrily as he straightened, "I am the Demon of the Hidden Mist, Zabuza Momochi!"

A light clapping echoed through the mist and reality seemed to flex and warp for a second before with what seemed like the pop of shattering glass, Kakashi of the Sharingan was replaced with a small pink haired figure in a cloak. Akaryu grinned behind his mask as his green eyes glinted with mischief at Zabuza, "Well, well… What an introduction! Pardon my pun, but that was quite the well executed little entrance!"

Zabuza's eyes widened as he realized he'd been had and then they narrowed in rage. "Where's the bridge builder?" he demanded angrily.

Akaryu jerked his thumb over his shoulder at the pile of decapitated scarecrows behind him, "Right there." He declared, clearly grinning through his mask.

"Don't toy with me little girl!" Zabuza warned angrily as he crouched and caught the hilt of his sword, "I've killed…Wha-?" BOOOOM! BOOMBOOMBOOM! THUD.

For those not watching very closely to catch the split second flicker of movement, it would've appeared that the air around Zabuza had suddenly exploded on its own. Those paying attention though would've noticed Akaryu substituting himself and the scarecrows with Zabuza, dropping the scarecrows in mid air and then substituting back in an instant before snapping his hands into the detonation sign with a look of pure murderous rage twisting features behind his mask.

Now Zabuza fell to the ground, thrown from his perch by the consecutive explosions and riddled with the nails that had been sealed within the explosive scrolls. As Haku watched his master slam to the ground, riddled with shrapnel and covered in fresh burns, he didn't hesitate for an instant. In a flash he covered the distance, only to flinch in shock as an arrow whistled through the space where his head had been only a split second earlier. Then…BOOM! The arrow exploded with light and sound. Haku jerked away and the arrow that would have ripped through his heart lodged in his shoulder instead.

Haku shouted in pain and suddenly a foot connected with his face. Then another, this time a clear flying drop kick right to his upturned face as he staggered back which instantly drove him to the ground. Then his entire world seemed to be nothing but kicks and hard wooden bats from every direction as a chorus of voices shouted, "NA! RU! TO! HUNDRED-FOLD MOB!" Haku tried to scramble away, to break out of the ring of feet and bats and shouting, only to discover to his horror that he actually was in the middle of some kind of horrible bright orange mob.

After what Haku didn't have any trouble at all believing was a beating and buffeting a hundred shinobi strong, he was suddenly slammed to the ground by a rapidly increasing pile of force as the voices chorused, "AND NA! RU! TO! HUNDRED STRONG DOG PILE!"

Just as Haku was starting to black out, "WATER STYLE! WATER ENCAMPMENT WALL!" A huge torrent of water erupted across the battle field and suddenly the weight crushing him was gone. A strong hand caught him by the back of the haori and then the world shifted as they Zabuza Body Flickered them to safety. Then again and again and again.

As Haku's senses returned he realized in horror what had just happened. Chaining Body Flickers was hard enough, but Zabuza was gravely injured and had just used another MASSIVE jutsu, easily big enough to be five normal jutsu. Haku only narrowly caught him as he started to collapse, his consciousness already near totally gone, and then Haku realized just how far Zabuza had moved them as he saw their hideout before them. "MASTER ZABUZA!"

==Meanwhile==

Tazuna peeked out of the wagon where he had been hiding under the straw beneath the exploding scarecrows at a very waterlogged and annoyed pink haired shinobi peeling himself off a tree. "THAT. HURT." Akaryu snarled as his bangs curled up like horns. Tazuna would swear to the end of his days that the pink haired shinobi had steam curling off him from literally boiling himself dry with rage.

"What was that jutsu?" Sasuke asked as he dropped from the trees.

"Big," Naruto supplied helpfully as he poked his head from behind the tree he'd taken shelter behind when he saw the miniature tidal wave coming. Sasuke and Akaryu shot deadpan looks at him and he crossed his arms with a pout, "It's no worse than that execution pun!"

He flinched slightly when Akaryu growled at him, but the conversation was cut off by Konan dropping from the air, her paper wings quickly dispersing, "Water Style Water Encampment Wall, it's an A-Rank jutsu that requires an immense amount of chakra. By my estimate, that was at least five normal jutsu's worth of chakra. Zabuza Body Flickered at least twice immediately afterwards, so unless he's got Naruto sized stamina, he's almost certainly drained to the point of near total chakra exhaustion. Given that he was unable to defeat the Mizukage, he almost certainly doesn't. Compounded on top of his wounds, he should be approximately as harmless as the average kitten right now."

She sighed and pulled the front brim of her hat down slightly, "Unfortunately his second Body Flicker carried him out of my range, so there's no telling where he might've disappeared to. And while I'm certain his partner is in bad shape thanks to your efforts, that shinobi is still a highly unknown factor. Judging by his mask," she mused as she crossed her arms thoughtfully, "He was probably a former Hunter-nin, meaning he's extremely well trained and probably a med-nin as well."

"You estimated five weeks to complete your bridge, correct Tazuna-san?" Konan asked with a glance.

"Yes, if Naruto-san is truly willing to help, then five weeks should be a perfectly reasonable estimate," Tazuna replied.

Konan nodded, "Alright, then let's get going. Zabuza's one tough cookie, there's no doubt about that, and he's also notoriously stubborn and rigid about keeping his word. Combined with the fact that his reputation is absolutely everything to his continued livelihood as a nukenin, there is virtually zero chance of him abandoning his contract on Tazuna-san's life. All we have to do is wait," she finished with a viciously excited grin.

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AN: Sadly this fic has been discontinued. I'm rolling all the best ideas from it and every other Naruto fic I've ever written into one giant fic that'll be along sometime in a year or more which will be the last Naruto story I ever write because it will be the BEST Naruto story I'll ever write. I say it'll be a year or more because it's going to be HUGE, and I intend to take absolutely however much time I need to make it absolutely PERFECT, and I hope to have it all done before I publish even the first chapter so that when I do start publishing it I can do so on a weekly basis.

I do hope you enjoyed this short little romp and had some laughs.

Until next time, Ghost Out!