Chapter 8

"Sometimes you break your heart in the right way, if you know what I mean."
― Gregory David Roberts, Shantaram

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August 21st, 2021

Dear Dean:

I didn't write to you before because I couldn't find the damn journal. It got mixed within one of the many boxes I had not looked at yet. I will explain why that happened later, I guess. Actually, there is a lot to tell.

You've been gone for more than six months. Nine months and two days, to be precise. I am still working as a Mechanic, and Erik is closer to me than he has ever been before. I guess I am part of his family now.

I don't like to use that word a lot, since my whole family is dead. I belong to nowhere. I had a home. First, it was Kansas, then the Impala, then Jess and then I realized it had always been you. I always tried to run away from everything that hurt me, as if it was a solution to make those problems disappear. Right now, I would give everything I have to stop running from reality. I wish I could have been more grateful. I had everything I needed, and I didn't even notice that.

I would do whatever it takes to stop overthinking about everything. About that night, and your last words. I did not want to say goodbye, so you said it, instead. You knew me so well. I still think I cannot do this alone.

They say home is where the heart is. Where's home for me now, then?

My best guess is that my home is where you are, while my body is here. It's almost like being soulless, but still feeling every inch of pain when I think about everything we've lost.

During the last couple of months, I visited you and mom at the cemetery. Even though there is no body to bury, I got a tombstone made for you. It was a decision that hurt like hell. It says what is true for me, and the people we have saved as well.

Dean Winchester

1979-2020

Beloved son and big brother. The man who saved the world.

Other people passing by won't understand what I meant by that, but you and I will always know it. You saved the world, and my world, too.

I also moved out of the cabin about two months ago. I am renting a small house with a backyard for little Miracle, as I promised. It is closer to where life happens. It forces me to hear the noises society makes in the early morning, getting me involved with human life more often.

I don't know how to say this, because all I can see is you smiling and teasing me for this, but here it goes.

We kissed.

Well, she kissed me first, but I kissed her back, after I saw she smiled at me, her brown eyes glowing with happiness and love, maybe? It happened while I was working at the garage. Erik was not there.

We started talking more often since the last time I told you about her, and somewhere in between, I found myself trying to find an excuse to see her every day. We took our time to learn how relationships worked, even when we are not fully ready to be in one either. We're getting there. Baby steps, she says.

She still lives in her own place, and I live with Miracle.

I feel so vulnerable, yet so eager to see how this goes. It's just another day in this world for many people. For me, it feels like being a kid again, seeing the bright colors of life, pointing at the smallest things people forgot existed.

When I am not working, or seeing Genevieve, I am studying. Yes, you can call me a college boy again, if you want to. I am studying to be a teacher. More than that, I'd like to let kids know that it's okay to feel lost sometimes, but they can always find themselves somewhere where words live.

I am still a nerd. I know you would say that. Actually, writing it makes it sound like I am a thirty-eight year old virgin man. It is so embarrassing.

I printed pictures of our family, framed them and hanged them on the walls of the place I currently live in.

Hope you are still proud of me, Dean. I'm doing this for us. I'll make things right. It's just me here, but if I'm honest, I know it's you by my side, too.

I know what you would say in every occasion, or when you would laugh at me, being the classic Jerk you always were. My big brother.

In a few years I will be older than you, although I have the feeling you are arguing about that as you read this letter. What I mean is that I will have lived longer than you lived on this earth. That day is not too far away, but I can still keep kicking the ball on that thought till the day it comes to kick me in the stomach.

I have a date tonight. I am taking Genevieve to a restaurant I could have never gone to if I didn't have a job, and then leave her at her place.

Don't say it, okay? Don't you even dare. It's not happening tonight. Not yet. I'm just learning how to start walking again.

Actually, I don't mind you saying it without words being needed. Just laugh at me. It's okay. I promise it's okay. I won't get mad, Dean.

Sammy.

Author's Note: Hey guys! So, Sam is studying again, and starting a relationship with Genevieve! I'm really proud of him. That's what I am aiming for in the future, actually. I am also afraid of love, but it always comes when you least expect it. I know my dad would want me to be happy. I'm trying to be the woman he would proud of. It's so hard, though.

Enough of this silly talk. I hope you enjoy this chapter and, if you have a minute, leave a review. What do you think of this chapter? Any suggestions for the next one? I will remain loyal to the finale. Sam naming his son Dean and everything. I even thought about a little surprise for the last chapter. You'll have to wait to know what I am planning. It made me cry just by thinking about it, so I hope I can make you cry, too. Lol

See ya soon!