This chapter is all for Paul. We're going to finally see what's happened to him and hopefully it'll explain a few things! Apologies if you don't like my depiction of certain areas of this chapter, but I have done some research and I've painted the best picture I can – though no one really knows what happens on the other side!
PS: I removed the last bit of the last chapter as I thought I would change it a little. Enjoy!
Chapter 8
Paul POV
"I'll tell you something young man, Bella is a beautiful bright young lady. She's certainly a perfect match for you, thank the spirits!" Grandma said. I'd just got back from dropping Bella home and I would be lying if I said it was agony watching her walk into her house. But she had her own life to live, and she said she would see me on the weekend.
"She is, isn't she?" I said, smiling. Grandma laughed at me.
"Oh dear, it's so lovely to see a smile on your face!"
"It feels good to smile Grandma. You want some tea before you go to bed?" I asked her.
"No no, I'd better not. I've drunk far too much today, and it'll be a wonder if I ever manage to sleep" she said. I helped her out of her chair and walked her into her bedroom. I helped her into bed and tucked her in.
"Look at you, tucking your old Grandma into bed!" she laughed.
I kissed her on the forehead "Goodnight Grandma" I said, turning the lights out and closing her door. I went to my room and got into bed, completely bushed from today. I closed my eyes and drifted off in no time.
Weird. Why was I awake already? For some reason, I felt like this was a good time to go for a walk. So, I stupidly got out of bed and pulled a t-shirt and shorts on. I locked the kitchen door behind me and turned to walk up the path, but someone was already waiting at the gate.
"Grandma? You should be in bed. You're going to get cold out here" I said, walking towards her. But it wasn't Grandma. The woman looked just like her though, but much younger. She had the same eyes as me and she was wearing a lilac dress, with no shoes.
"Oh, sorry, I thought you were my Grandma" I said, though I felt uneasy about this woman. Who was she and what was she doing in my front yard? She turned to look at me properly and I had to stop myself from screaming.
"M- Mommy?" I whispered, and a smile broke out on her face.
"Hello sweetheart" she said in the clearest voice I'd ever heard. Her voice penetrated through my skin. I stood frozen on the spot, not knowing what to do. How could my Mom be here?
"Come on sweetheart, let's go for a walk, just you and me" she said, holding her hand out for me to take. I hesitated. This wasn't normal. My mom had died. I knew that. But she was here, I could see her standing there with her hand outstretched. I took her hand, and it was ice cold to touch.
"How about we go down to the beach, hm? You liked it there when you were little" she said and started leading me down to the beach. I didn't say anything. I think I was in shock.
"It's okay to talk sweetheart, I'm not going to hurt you, you know that" she said. We got to the beach quicker than I could blink and sat in the sand.
"How are you here?" I asked her.
She looked at me, her eyes filled with emotion "Sweetheart, I've never left"
"But- but I -"
"Oh sweetheart, do you honestly think I'd leave you on your own? I've always been with you, even at my mother's house" she smiled sweetly. Her fingers were brushing the back of my hand, in a loving gesture.
"I've wanted to talk to you for so long, but now I don't know what to say" I said. Somehow, being here with my Mom felt right.
"How about we talk until the sun rises?" she suggested, and I smiled.
"I'd like that" I said. We sat holding each other for what seemed like minutes, but I know must have been hours, as the sky was beginning to turn lighter and lighter. Why was time going so quickly?
"I'm sorry I broke my promise Mom"
She looked at me "Sweetheart you were just a child. I knew you were always trying to protect me and that promise you made was one of the ways you did it. But I knew it would be impossible to fulfil. Sweetheart, your father was just too strong. I never had a chance-"
"-you were stronger than that man, for what he put you through! He isn't my father. He killed you!"
"Yes, he did kill me, and I knew you were in that closet. I'm so sorry you had to see it happen like that, but I knew he would eventually" she said, with a small smile. Mom patted my hand with her own.
"You've grown up. You're very tall now, just like your grandfather" she said and then she looked over her shoulder.
"Ah, here he comes now" she said, and my mouth fell open at her words. I turned my head, slowly, to see my grandfather, strolling towards me with a new spring in his step.
What the hell was going on?! Why were my dead relatives with me now? Have I died?
"Hello there, my grandson, look at you! You've grown so much!" he said, pulling me into a brief hug.
"Have I died?" I asked them. They held each other and chuckled.
"No sweetheart, you haven't died. You heard the story of the spirit warriors at the bonfire, well, there are many souls still out here. You've just left your body, just like Taha Aki did. You're still alive, but you're spirit walking" my Mom said.
"But you've died, so how is your soul still here? Doesn't that go with your body?" I asked. Jacob had told me his theory, but I needed to know if it were true.
"A body and a soul are two separate things Paul -" my Grandpa said "-the soul lives inside the body, but when the body dies, the soul can do one of two things. It can move on, or it can stay behind until the time comes for them to move on"
"So, Taha Aki's spirit is still here?" I asked.
"I heard Billy at the bonfire. Billy believes that Taha Aki shares his soul with an eagle. Taha Aki moved on many centuries ago. He had fulfilled his duties as leader of the tribe and watched for many generations as his great grandsons phased into wolves. The tribe was protected, he had no need to stay behind. He is at peace now" Grandpa explained.
"So, who else is here?" I asked. This was completely crazy. I think I had gone crazy.
"Well your father isn't here, so I'm assuming he's still alive somewhere -" Mom said, with distaste in her voice. I didn't blame her "- and Jacob Black's mother is here as well, though she likes to keep herself to herself. Doesn't usually wander too much"
Jacob's Mom was here? He would freak out if he knew this. I had to tell him, or should I? Would anyone believe me if I told them I had seen their dead relatives?
"Mom, Grandma said Jacob's Mom shares her soul with a hawk owl. Is that true?" I asked.
"Yes, Sarah always admired those owls-" my Grandpa answered "- and she likes to stay close to Billy's house, you know, watch over them. She doesn't give any indication that she is, of course, but she sees their pain every day and watches the way they grieve for her even now"
"Do you understand where you are sweetheart?" my Mom asked. I scoffed. Like hell I did. I was on First Beach with my dead mother and my dead grandfather. What was happening? If I was spirit walking, why did everything look so… normal?
"How can I tell I'm spirit walking? I've never done it before" I said, and Grandpa laughed.
"Oh, you've done it before Paul, but you would have thought it was just a dream. You ever remember those dreams you described to Grandma and me about hovering over places that you knew?"
Yeah I did remember those dreams. But that's exactly what I thought they were. So, what was to say this isn't all a dream? I told them this.
"Let's go back to your Grandma's" Grandpa said, but by the time he had even finished talking, we were standing in the kitchen.
"That was weird" I muttered and Grandpa laughed.
"Is your grandmother through there?" he asked, pointing to the second door off of the kitchen. I nodded my head. I followed him and Mom into Grandma's room, and I was happy to see she was in a deep sleep.
"Hello my love" Grandpa whispered in her ear, and Grandma smiled in her sleep.
"Timiko, you old fool" she mumbled sleepily, before her smile faded and she continued to sleep. Grandpa turned back to me and shrugged his shoulders.
"Your Grandma always did like her sleep" he said with raised eyebrows.
"So, what does that prove exactly?" I challenged him.
"It proves that you are spirit walking. If this were a dream, your grandmother wouldn't have responded. You saw it with your own eyes grandson"
"Come on sweetheart, you'd better get back into your bed and wake up now" Mom said, taking my hand and leading me into my bedroom where to my utter horror I saw myself lying in bed, fast asleep. One of my arms was dangling off of the side of the bed.
"This used to be my bedroom when I was little" Mom said, walking over to the corner where the loose floorboard was.
"When you wake up, take this floorboard up and it'll prove you weren't dreaming" she said, gently smoothing my hair out of my eyes. Just like she used to do when I was little. She helped me into bed and as soon as I led down, they disappeared, and I could see black. I groaned and opened my eyes, to find the sunshine seeping through the curtains.
Well that was a freaky dream. But was it a dream? I rubbed my eyes furiously, got out of bed and got dressed just as Grandma called for me.
"Paul, breakfast is on the table" she said, just as my stomach rumbled. I walked over to the dresser in the corner and looked at my face in the mirror. Man, I looked like I hadn't slept at all! I had dark circles under my eyes and a headache. But when I looked at my eyes, I remembered the dream.
When you wake up, take this floorboard up and it'll prove you weren't dreaming
I stepped back and my foot squeaked. I looked down to see the loose floorboard and gently pulled it up. It came up quite easily, as if someone had just placed it back on top of the foundation. There was a burlap sack inside, covered in dirt and dust. I pulled it out and opened it up and inside were a bunch of letters and photographs. I sat down on my bed and laid them out. They were letters written to my grandparents. I picked one up and began to read.
Hi Mom and Dad,
I'm sorry I haven't contacted you; you must be beside yourself with worry. It's hard to find the time to even write this letter but I had to write it, I just had to.
You have a grandson. His name is Paul, and he is the cutest little baby in the world. I'll send this letter with a photograph. I'm sorry you didn't find out sooner, but Josh doesn't want me contacting you. I knew you were close by in town a year ago but as soon as Josh found out he moved us again. It was heart-breaking. I always thought I'd have you by my side, Mom, when I gave birth to my first child.
It's getting unbearable at home. Josh is constantly on my back about stupid things, like if I forgot to take the laundry out of the dryer or if I didn't cook his favourite for dinner. He doesn't even seem to like his son. Luckily for us, he's always out, so Paul and I have the space we need. He's such a clever little thing and he's just learned how to sit up all by himself! I wish you could have been here to see it.
I don't know if I'll ever get to send you this letter, but I hope one day you'll read it and understand. Leaving home was the biggest mistake I ever made. I don't regret having Paul because he is the light in my life right now. But marrying Joshua Lahote was a mistake. I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you. I wish there were a way for you to get me out of here, but I know it's impossible.
I always keep my fingers crossed that you'll be able to meet your grandson one day. I know you would both love him so much, just like I do.
I love you both, always
Nellie x
I wiped my eyes. I didn't realise I was crying until my tears were dripping onto the letter. I carefully wiped them off of the delicate paper and put it down on the bed. I sniffed loudly, holding back a sob. I didn't want Grandma to hear me. She didn't need to worry. I'll just blame my red eyes on stubbing my toe or something. I picked up the photo that Mom had mentioned in her letter and smiled. It was me as a baby, all chubby and small, holding a small rattle and watching what looked like the TV. There were more letters and more photos, but I forced myself to put them back into the bag. I put the bag back underneath the floorboard and gently placed it back on top.
So, I did spirit walk last night. It wasn't a dream at all. But this means… this means I can see my Mom again! Whenever I wanted! This made me incredibly happy. I didn't feel sad anymore about her death, I didn't feel sad about her letter and the photos. For once in my entire life, I was happy, truly happy, I walked into the kitchen with a smile on my face and a new spring in my step.
"You're in a brighter mood this morning young man, is this something to do with Bella?" Grandma asked.
"Something like that"
"You should get some fresh air before your patrol this afternoon" she said, placing some food in front of me which I wolfed down. Pardon the pun.
"Yeah that sounds like a good idea. You wanna come with me?" I asked. I knew Grandma always liked walking with me.
"I'd better not push it dear, my knees are in agony today, but Sue said the shot will start taking effect soon enough. Anyway, you don't want your old Grandma slowing you down"
"Grandma, you know I like to walk with you" I said.
"Yes of course I do dear, but I think I'll give it a miss today. You don't mind do you?"
"No of course not! Whatever makes you feel more comfortable. I won't be long okay?" I said, taking my plate to the sink and pulling on my t-shirt.
"Okay dear, I'll see you soon"
I walked outside and opened the gate to walk down to the beach. I sat in the sand and thought about last night. About sitting in this exact spot with my Mom. It seemed strange to think about it, now that I was here by myself. After an hour, I was almost tired of looking at the ocean. I was exhausted. I headed back to the house to find Grandma at the table shucking peas into a bowl.
"Hey Grandma, you need any help with those?" I said, gesturing my hand to the peas.
She smiled "No I've got it dear, how was your walk?"
"Refreshing" Grandma looked at me and then gave me the once over with her eyes.
"Why don't you have a rest dear, you look dead on your feet" she said, and I thought about denying a nap, though my body was craving one. But then I remembered, if I went to sleep, I would spirit walk and see my mom again. The idea was suddenly almost too tempting to turn down.
"Yeah you're right. Could you wake me in a couple of hours?"
"Of course, dear, I'm not going anywhere" she said. I walked into my room and got into bed.
Grandma may not be going anywhere, but I was. Almost as soon as I closed my eyes, I felt weightless. When I opened them again, I was stood in my bedroom, looking down at my sleeping body. I carefully opened my bedroom door and slid into the kitchen. Grandma was still at the table, but she had a cup of tea by her side now. I wanted to test something. If I was really spirit walking, Grandma shouldn't be able to see me. I walked right up to her and knelt down and looked right up into her face, but she didn't even notice me. I smiled to myself and whooped joyfully before going out front, where my Mom was waiting for me.
"Mom!" I said, bounding up to her and hugging her.
"Welcome back sweetheart, though I'm disappointed to say I wasn't expecting you back so soon" she said, raising her eyebrow.
"I couldn't not come here again, not now I know you're here" She didn't say anything, just looked at my face with longing.
"I am touched you came to see me again, but I don't want you making a habit of it. It's dangerous to spirit walk too often you know, especially when you have a living body"
"Can we just go down to the beach again?" I said, half dragging her hand like a kid. Well, I was a kid when it came to my Mom. I had only known her as a kid, so it made sense for myself to react the way a kid would on seeing her again. She smiled at me and I could see I had won her over.
"Oh, come on then. Your grandfather won't be joining us today, he's sitting in the garden waiting on your grandmother's food" she said with a giggle.
"Well Grandma is busy cooking something" I said, and Mom sighed loudly.
"I do miss my Mom's cooking. I never appreciated it enough when I was young. I just wanted to eat what all the other kids at school were eating and I guess I felt embarrassed to bring traditional meals to school, you can see how I regret that wasted time now" she said.
"I have regrets too" I said, not meeting her eyes. I did have regrets, but everyone keeps saying I was just a kid and couldn't do anything to stop my father from killing my Mom. But I could have done something. Why did I just run away and hide? Why didn't I do something?!
"Sweetheart, I can hear your thoughts you know, if you make them loud enough. There's nothing you could have done. If you had got in the way of your father, I don't doubt that he would have killed you too, and that would have been the last thing anybody would want. You need to stop blaming yourself for what happened and try and find some happiness" she said, stroking my cheek with his fingers. I closed my eyes and relished in her touch. It's true, I wasn't happy for a long time. Sure, I was happy when I lived with my grandparents, but I've never been truly happy, not since the day Mom died.
"I'm a shapeshifter" I blurted out, and surprisingly, Mom laughed.
"How could you not be? Your father never phased himself, but I believe his father was part of the last pack. Sometimes the gene skips generations, I'm not too sure why"
"At least I wasn't like him-"
"-no sweetheart. You're much different from your father because you didn't want to be like him. You wanted to be a better man than him and by deciding that you are different to him"
"I just wish I could see him one more time, I have a few things I want to say to him" I said, and Mom laughed and pulled me to sit next to her in the sand.
"Wherever he is, he can stay there and rot. I don't want you doing anything that could land you in a jail cell sweetheart. He isn't worth that" she said seriously. I thought she had a point.
We sat for a while, saying nothing. But even though we exchanged no words, I felt like the happiest person on earth right now. Nothing beat sitting here with my Mom, when I didn't think I'd ever get to do that again. I looked at her, watched her watching a whale dive back underneath the water. She hadn't aged a day since I last saw her. She looked exactly as she did when I was little, but then I suppose she was dead. I guess souls didn't age either.
"What are you thinking about?" Mom asked, nudging my arm with hers.
I grinned widely "Just thinking about how happy I am right now; you know I never thought I'd see you again" She closed her eyes in consideration and thought.
"I missed you, you know" she said after a while.
"I missed you so much to Mom, I just feel like without you with me, I can't do anything right. I mean, I can do some things, but I'm not living, I'm just existing"
"Oh sweetheart, what are we like?" she said, smiling and wrapping her arms around me. I held onto her and breathed her in. I didn't want to let her go. I was afraid that if I did, she would disappear, and I'd never see her again. So, I held her tighter, held on as tight as I could. She didn't seem to complain though. Can souls feel pain?
"Hold me any tighter sweetheart and I'll cease to exist" she giggled as she kissed my shoulder.
"Sorry, I've just missed this" I said, burying my head in her hair. It even smelled like the shampoo she used to use.
"Me too" she said. After a while, she pulled back but held onto my hands.
"I have to go now" she said.
"Please don't. Please just stay with me a little longer-"
"-I can't sweetheart. I have to get back to my little friend, and you should be getting back to yourself now too. I don't want you out here for too long, you might get-"
"-Mom please, please just sit with me for a bit longer" I begged her.
"Sweetheart, it's time to go back now. You can visit me again soon, but not tomorrow or the day after – or even the day after that. Give yourself time to live" she said, holding her hand against my cheek. I held onto it, willing her not to leave me.
"I'm not leaving you. But staying out here for too long it's not healthy" she answered my thoughts.
"I will definitely see you again?"
She kissed my forehead "Definitely, I promise. Go back to the other side and live. If you ever miss me, come and find the raven that hangs around in the woods by the house, I can persuade him to sit in the tree outside next to the veranda" she said.
Please don't leave me again Mom. I can't bear it.
"I've always been with you Paul-" she held her hand up to my chest, over my heart "- in here. As long as you love me and I love you, I won't go anywhere. Okay?"
"Okay" I whispered. I didn't think souls could cry, because if I could have, I would have been a wreck by now.
Mom walked me back to Grandma's house, where she left me at the gate. I watched as she turned into a ball of light and flew up to the raven that flew over the house at exactly the right time. The raven glowed for a second, before continuing to fly off up to the cliffs in the distance. I sighed loudly before making my way into the house. Grandma was still sitting at the table, but this time she was cutting up a hunk of meat. I got back into bed and closed my eyes.
Almost immediately I woke up and stretched my arms above my head. If I ever wanted to get some sleep, I had to stop spirit walking. I'd turn into a walking zombie soon enough. Maybe Mom was right about that. I went into the kitchen to help Grandma.
"Hey Grandma, I thought you said you'd wake me up" I said, sitting down at the table. Grandma didn't answer me but looked at the old clock on the wall that read 2pm and got up slowly from her chair.
"Grandma?" I said, getting ready to catch her if she fell, but she didn't. Did I do something to make her mad at me? Why wasn't she talking to me? I watched her walk into my room, where I was…
…where I was still sleeping in bed. I watched as she tried to shake me awake and I watched as she shook me again. I watched as she started screaming my name and calling for me. I watched her cry for me. Then, I watched her pick up her walking stick and walk out of the house, walking faster than I had ever seen her walk before.
"No… no" I muttered to myself. I led down in bed again, closed my eyes and willed myself to come back. Come on! Come back! I got out of bed, and looked down to see myself lying there, one of my arms draped over the side of the bed.
I pulled at my hair with my hands aggressively. What was happening? Why couldn't I go back? I ran outside and shouted for her.
"MOM!"
Nothing.
"MOM!"
Still nothing. Why wasn't she coming?
"MOM PLEASE I'M STUCK!" I screamed again, but only silence answered me. I ran around to the back of the house, looking for Pasty.
"GRANDPA!" I yelled, but silence.
"SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!" I yelled.
Nothing. Everything looked the same as it did when I was awake in my body. Everything was clear, bright, vibrant. Everything was there, and I was stuck here. I didn't have a choice. I had to follow Grandma to see where she was going. Surely she was going to find help. I thought of her in my mind, of Grandma, and almost immediately I found myself outside Billy's house. Where Grandma was shouting at the top of her lungs at him, asking for Sam. Then she flipped Billy the bird and proceeded to walk back along the main road. She walked and walked and walked and I saw her almost fall a couple of times. But I could do nothing to help her. Finally, she arrived at the Littlesea's house, where I could hear screaming and shouting coming from the backyard. I watched Grandma go into the house, now supported by Connie Littlesea. Now I knew Grandma was in good hands, I took myself to the backyard where I saw Sam, Jacob and Jared holding Colin down, trying to calm him. He looked like he was in real bad pain.
Sam would know how to fix this. He had to. I ran over there.
"Jacob, where the hell is Paul? I must have called him a dozen times -" Sam said to Jacob.
It was now or never. I crouched down and got right into Sam's face.
"SAM!" He obviously didn't hear me, but I was getting desperate, and scared.
"SAM HELP ME I'M STUCK HERE"
But it seemed my words had no effect except to blow a powerful wind right at Sam and Jacob. They brought their hands to their faces to try and protect their eyes from the bite.
"What the hell was that?" Sam asked Jacob, but he seemed to brush it off. He told Sam that I was at the house and not waking up. They were going to go and check on me. I had to get back to the house. Give them a sign that I needed help.
Where were all of the souls when I needed them?! Why has everyone suddenly disappeared when I need help?
I got back to the house with just a thought and ran into the bedroom to find myself as pale as a vampire. Goddamn it! A few minutes later, Jacob, Quil and Embry turned up and found me.
"JACOB!" I yelled at his face, but still I was met with silence.
"Paul-" Jacob whispered, kneeling down, and touching my hand. Then he proceeded to open one of my eyelids and I watched as they were still and unmoving. It did look like I was dead. But I couldn't be, could I?
"Jacob, is he-?" Quil started but Jacob shushed him. I just watched on as my pack brothers lost their heads looking at my lifeless body. I had to do something! I threw Grandma's favourite vase at the wall where it smashed to pieces, watching my brothers for any sign they heard it. Nothing. They didn't even flinch. I looked on the dresser for anything else and saw the vase was back where it was. Not broken and whole.
I was going crazy – I had to get out of here. I ran back outside, desperate for her to come and help.
"MOM PLEASE HELP ME" I screamed, but only a gentle breeze blew through my ears.
I watched as Quil and Embry left the house, I watched Sue arrive. I watched Sue leave. Then I saw Jacob on the phone to someone through the window. Then I watched as she jumped out of a moving car to rush to my side.
Bella.
"BELLA!"
My hands fought their way to my hair where I tugged furiously. I was having a breakdown! What they hell would I possibly do?
"AHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed in frustration and fear.
I was stuck here. Alone. No-one was coming to help me. Not even my Mom.
With that thought, I sunk to my knees as dry sobs racked my body.
A/N: I hope this chapter is a little bit of explanation as to what has happened to Paul. I know spirit walking isn't mentioned much in the books or movies, but I thought I'd make my own version of what I think it would be like. I did do my research and there are cases around the world of 'near death' experiences in hospitals. People die on the operating table or at home or wherever and they have an out of body experience (not everyone!) and they wake up and say they saw lost loved ones etc. Well I thought about it, and if Paul has seen his mother again, someone he was so desperate to see, he won't be able to return to his body until he can accept that her soul isn't really her. I think he needs to be able to accept that his mother has died and try to move on from the trauma it's caused him, hence why he can't return to his body. Because though he wants to return to his body, a small part of him wants to stay behind in the spirit world and stay with his mother.
What do you all think?