Hello! This chapter is a tad bit longer than the rest... I just couldn't really find an appropriate place to cut it. So extra long chapter it is.
As always, I am completely open to constructive criticism. Although, please be gentle with this chapter as it is my first real attempt at anything remotely close to romance.
But I hope you enjoy reading it none-the-less.
Thank you so much for reading!
Istanbul
1503
Looking out over the city like this is so peaceful… You'd never think of the turmoil that the city had been through to get to this point.
Not to even mention how much happens on the streets here. It's been about a week since I arrived, and while I don't plan to stay long, I've already acted in favour of some victims of unfortunate circumstance… Like the two kids who had stolen three apples from a cart the other day, so I went and gave the vendor a little extra when I bought some produce for the first few days of my stay. There was also the group of thugs that had cornered a young couple in an alley way. And the homeless man I pretended was my father-in-law to keep him from being arrested by an errant and unnecessarily aggressive Janissary. There were a couple of smaller things too, but I can't keep going like this… I'll end up making too many ripples in the water.
Not to mention that each time I do something like that I make myself avoid the district I did it in to try and let the ripples settle. So now I find myself in Galata district to the east of the tower. I have found a decently secluded rooftop on which I have a great view for drawing. Which seems to be a popular commodity around here and could very well make me some good money. So far the best view of the city overall has been this one…
And the Hagia Sophia… From here the way the sun accentuates the domes is absolutely stunning. I turn back to my sketch pad, sliding the charcoal over the paper to deepen the shadows to make the brightly lit sunny areas seem all the brighter. I wonder what it looks like on the inside right now… It's already been a little over a thousand years since it was first built, I think. I'm fairly sure that it is being used as a mosque by this point…
"That is a lovely drawing…" I look over to the source of the voice, mostly confused because I situated myself on a lonely rooftop out of sight of any Ottoman guards patrolling the area. I see a tall man leaning against the wall. He steps closer and leans in to get a better view of the charcoal sketch. He brings the smell of the spice market with him and his dark hair is hanging in curls around his face some of them being held back by an orange and yellow brocaded headband with a turquoise piece wrapped in and hanging next to his face. He steps back again giving me a good look at the clothes he's wearing, and I understand how he came to be on my secluded rooftop. He's an Assassin. Which is also why I never noticed him arrive… Fully trained Assassins are about the only thing that can still sneak up on me. Even Assassins in training have too heavy of a step to sneak around me. "Do you mind if I join you for a while?" He speaks in Italian, with a bit of an accent. Considering how central Istanbul is to culture and trade between Asia and Europe right now, it makes sense for him to know Italian, at least to a degree.
"No, I don't mind." I try to ignore how breathtaking the smile that grows on his face is, and how striking the glacial lake turquoise of his eyes is… Then it hits me that I've met him once before… In Spain. That would have been about… Eight years ago, in 1594. Although, we hadn't even gotten so far as to introduce ourselves, so I doubt he remembers.
"Thank you." He then joins me in sitting and looking out towards the Hagia Sophia. I continue working on my drawing, filling in the shaded areas. I still miss the availability of rubber erasers… I did snag a chunk of a natural rubber-like substance while I was travelling in the northern regions of Africa, but I try to use it sparingly, as it practically cost me an arm and a leg. That, and Europeans have only just 'discovered' the Americas where the rubber trees grow. I have tried a few of the other drawing methods preferred by the Renaissance artists that are still leaving their mark, like silver point and just pen drawing, but just as I was in art school, so I am now… I love charcoal and how it can capture the depth of darkness in an image.
Mostly, I'm glad that with Leonardo's influence I was able to hang on to the part of me that loves to create art. Although, I still worry about how close I got to losing that part of me. How close I got to letting myself sink irreversibly into becoming the monster I have struggled to grow away from. The monster that I really am at my core.
"You have captured the Ayasofya beautifully." I pause drawing for a moment and appraise my progress.
"This has been my favourite angle so far… The spires are at an angle that I can see them all, but they aren't blocking the main structure." I gesture to the spires and the dome respectfully.
"You also have a grand view of the city." He gestures to the city between us and the grand mosque.
"Constantinople is a beautiful place. There are so many things to see."
"There are many things that Istanbul has to offer. Especially if you know where to look." I didn't realize that it was being called Istanbul already…
"Istanbul?" I ask him, watching him gaze out over his city with an expression of love.
"Ah, yes… This is a place with many names, but 'Istanbul' is becoming a local favourite." He says, I then return to my drawing and he simply sits silently, as a catchy song that doesn't exist yet hops through my mind.
"If I am not mistaken, I believe we have met before…" He starts, causing me to look up at him.
"I didn't think you remembered…" I set the drawing down on my lap, "It was eight years ago after all… And almost on a different continent." We face each other a little more.
"Surely you don't think that I would be able to forget that encounter. You certainly made an impression on that travelling noble when you refused his advance." He chuckles at the memory of me slapping a nobleman who had tried to pull me into his carriage. That had definitely instigated the brawl that came after between the noble's guards trying to pull me into the carriage and the Assassins who had come across the scene, "It all happened quickly of course, because I also remember that we never got to introduce ourselves."
"I believe you are correct… It was a rather brief encounter." Mostly since the local guard patrols had seen the brawl from afar and came in shouting. So I took the opportunity to disappear from the action and the Assassins had as well.
"So in the spirit of having met again after these eight years on almost a different continent… I am Yusuf Tazim." He gives a little half bow from his sitting position. I hesitate for a moment.
"My name is Astraea Lykaios. It's a pleasure to meet you, Yusuf." I hadn't intended on using my true name but there it is. Too late now.
"So you've chosen to draw the Grand Bazaar today?" I hardly have to look over to know that Yusuf has found me yet again. This is the twenty-second day in a row that he has managed to hunt me down out of all of the areas of Istanbul that I've visited since the day he first approached me on the rooftop in Galata. He usually stays with me for a few hours. We chat idly while I draw. He talks about his city. It had been about the eighth day I informed him that we could converse in the Arabic that he is familiar with and I would be able to get along perfectly fine.
The passion he holds for Istanbul is a rare thing.
I can't stop the trill of joy that flutters through my chest as I hear his voice. I can't stop it, but I have to deny it. Even if he were interested in me that way, which I'm sure he isn't, it wouldn't feel right to have any kind of full on relationship with someone in the past… It would prevent them from having a family or growing old alongside the one they love. No one deserves to have such an empty future.
No one except perhaps a monster like me.
"Yeah, although it seems less busy than I saw it before…" I comment as I slide the charcoal over the surface of my paper.
"Yes, the popularity of it often reflects how thickly the Janissaries are patrolling it in a day. You've chosen a nice rooftop to avoid their attention though." Yusuf says as he sits down next to me, closer than usual, as I feel the edge of his bracer brush against my arm.
We sit like that for a little while just chatting about little things until I set my drawing things down next to me and just watch the people trickle in and out of the bazaar, only now noticing the number Janissaries marching around. After I bring my drawing back to my lap, I steal glances at him more times than I would like to admit, getting caught once or twice before abruptly turning my attention back to my drawing.
Each day that passes with him around makes it feel more normal. More welcome. More… Warm.
"How would you like to go for a tour of the city tomorrow? Led by a veteran Konstantiniyye explorer, of course." I glance his direction to see him looking at me with a severely disarming grin. I could stare at that smile for days and not get bored…
Woah, woah! I reign in my thoughts again and take a deep breath. Bad mind. No.
"Sure, a tour sounds great, I could do with a day away from drawing. I've made enough akçe to tide myself over for at least a month."
"Just with the drawings?" Yusuf exclaims more than asks.
"Yeah, I just take them to one of the street market areas, ask to borrow a space for a small sum and sell everything I've made over the previous days. Usually, I do this at the end of the fourth day of drawing or so… After you've gone back to your Brotherhood." He coughs a little bit.
"I didn't know you were aware of the Brotherhood." He admits clearing his throat.
"It's kind of hard to miss the robes… And the hood you seem to like neglecting…" I reach over and flip the hood over his head playfully, "There you go. Now you really look the part." He leaves the hood up for barely a second before flipping it back down.
"But then how could I see your face properly?" He asks quietly. An image of me reaching over and kissing him flits through my mind unsolicited.
No. Nope. Bad. No kissing. Not allowed.
I mentally swat the image away, but it persists like a gnat for every second he remains close for the next hour.
"So, tomorrow, shall I meet you at the docks in the morning?" He confirms. Right… I did agree to that tour.
"Alright, I'll see you then." I concede to what I had agreed to. The image of a goodbye kiss jumps to the forefront of my mind.
No!
Then I watch as he vaults himself up the roof and free runs to one of the adjacent buildings before using a zipline to sail away. I bite my lip to curb my errant thoughts.
He holds a hand towards to help me step off of the ferry, I don't really need help, but I take the hand anyway. Then the unwelcome image from lifetimes ago flits through my mind… One of a couple walking across the street hands joined. With the woman staring at the hands with a blissful expression.
"So how did you like the tour? I know we didn't go inside most of the places… But I hope it was to your liking…" Yusuf chuckles as he releases my hand before doing a dramatically flourishing bow.
"It was wonderful…" I let slip before my mind can stop it, I clear my throat a bit, "It has given me a lot of new material for drawing… I should be able to make plenty of akçe for a while now."
"The sale of drawings has been getting more popular. I wonder if you might have anything to do with that..." He says as he looks over at me and grins causing my heart to race a little. We begin to walk and I find my eyes often wandering to his hand, I wonder what it would feel like to walk like that man and woman in Italy…
I do my best to ignore the feeling of my heart beating faster and attempt to reign in my thoughts before his irresistible smile clears my whole mind.
"I do believe this is where you've been boarding, correct?" He says as we stop at the modest stone building that I've been calling home.
"I suppose I have your profession to blame for this knowledge?" I ask him playfully, before reaching over and pulling the hood over his head again leaving only the view of his grin out of the shadow. I want to kiss those lips…
No. I chastise my thoughts for wandering that way again… This is becoming more consistent than I would like… Compared to this my restraint with Ezio was damn near saintly.
Although, with Ezio there was almost a sense of ease for the act that made it effortless to let happen. Even though, it hadn't helped the way I had wanted anyway. That being the reason I never did it again.
This is completely different…
Yusuf slides his hood back down and I almost see his hand begin to reach over to my face.
"Well, I best get inside before it gets too late. I am only borrowing this space after all." I stammer out before I take the few steps towards the door, "Today really was wonderful… Thank you." I say quietly before I begin to close the door.
"Goodnight, Astraea." He says tenderly, I watch his smile as I close the door.
"Goodnight… Yusuf."
I wonder how long it will take Yusuf to find me today… I find a captivating scene of him pulling me in for a kiss dance through my imagination. The scene plays out further and further until my heart is racing just from my imagination.
Shaking myself out of my reverie I see that I haven't even gotten more than a few scribbles onto the page before me.
When did I acquire such a gutter mind?
Then a shuffle beside me brings my attention to the present, where five less than intelligent looking men are standing with their arms crossed in front of them and their crotches thrusted forward at what looks to be an uncomfortable angle. Maybe to look more intimidating? I stand up and begin to evaluate the five men before me.
By the look of them, I'd say they're here more to seem intimidating than to actually cause harm. Maybe I can weasel my way out of a conflict… Because a conflict of five versus one is highly likely to get the attention of the Janissaries. Which is attention I could do without.
"We got a business with you, girl." The man in the center front spits onto the ground beside him. This is not off to a good start. "This here is our turf. And we know you been cashin' in on those fancy doodles of yours. We demand a cut of whatever you earnin' from 'em." He condescendingly jabs in my direction.
"Maybe I would listen to a business proposition from a more… Articulate person. But I can't in good conscience believe that anyone official would send someone as… Incoherent as you." The taunt slides through my mind and off my tongue as easily as butter before I can even think to stop it, and he begins to fume. This guy is too easy… "I will not be listening to any 'demands' from you."
"Now you listen 'ere, you stiff bitch." He takes forceful steps towards me, slamming his feet down with each step. Once he gets to me he snatches up my collar and punches me right in the nose. I hear it break as my head goes back from the momentum, "You're just some prissy, foreign cunt! You got no—" I cut off his blabbering with a swift knee-thrust into his groin and grasp his collar as he sinks to the ground.
"Since you've just thrown the first punch, I will take that as permission for what I'm about to do." I say loud enough for his goons to hear as well before I bring him closer to my face and stare him in the eyes, "Don't you ever forget what is about to happen." I whisper sternly at him.
I punch him right in the nose before tossing him aside while his two of his four goons run at me. Having already noted my surroundings I angle myself appropriately and as the first gets to me I lean down. In one efficient movement, I force my shoulder into his abdomen and as he goes limp, I straighten and toss him off the roof we're on and into a cart of hay in the street below. In reworking my footing to toss Goon-number-one, I stomped my heel onto Goon-number-two's foot.
While he is still howling in pain, I grab his head and bring it down to meet my knee moving up. His howling stops and he slumps to the ground.
I turn to face the remaining dumbasses and they are just standing their eyes wide. They had drawn weapons, one shamshir and one stiletto dagger. But they are both rooted to the spot.
"Grrrr!" I shout as I take a large step at them and raise my arms, which causes both to drop their weapons and scream while running away over the rooftops.
"Well… I had run all the way here to save you… But… I guess that wasn't necessary." A familiar voice says while barely holding in laughter. I turn to see Yusuf hoping down from a higher roof. "Instead I find myself wondering whether I should try to have you join my Brotherhood…" He jokes as he appraises my handiwork.
"I can fend for myself against losers like these guys." I put my hands on my hips as he approaches me, getting closer than he normally would his eyes fixed on my bloody nose. His scent of spices filling the world around me so effectively that it pushes past the metallic scent of my blood. He brings his hand up but stops when we hear someone shout at us.
"You! On the roof! Stop!" We both look to see a group of Janissaries climbing up a neighbouring roof and begin to strut over to us when Yusuf snatches my hand and we both run away from the guards.
We run over the rooftops for a while, Yusuf leading the way and often looking back to see me right behind him.
We take a sharp turn and hop into a narrow back road that is covered just a few steps away. Taking to running again we back track underneath where the Janissaries would be running now. If I had been alone my speed alone could out match them, but only someone incredibly familiar with the streets would have known so actively where we were in order to pull this off so smoothly.
Yusuf snatches a piece of fabric hanging from a line as we go by and he passes it to me to cover my face with.
Then before I know we are slowing down and emerging right at the entrance to the Grand Bazar.
"Impressive, you aren't even out of breath…" He says between quicks breaths since he is out of breath. He grabs my wrist and begins to pull me along, I can feel my heart begin to beat faster, "Even your heart…"
"Even my heart?" I prod for him to finish.
"Well, I was going to say that your heartbeat isn't even that strong for all the running we did but…" He pauses as we shrink against a wall to avoid the gaze of a few Janissaries, "Anyway, we are going to the shop of a friend." We rejoin the crowds in the Bazar and weave our way through them all the way to a plain looking door and we slip in just missing the attention of a group of on guard Janissaries as they come around the corner, "Piri? Are you here?" He calls into the shop space.
"Yusuf? Was it you that caused all the commotion in Bayezid district?" A voice calls from around the corner at the end of the shop.
"Piri, have you no faith?" Yusuf asks as we get around the corner, I hang back as I reset my broken nose and bunch up the piece of fabric to soak up the blood.
"In you? No." The voice quips wryly. Yusuf just laughs as he waves me around the corner.
"As much as it would please me to take credit for this one, it was all her work." He gestures to me as I come around the corner to see a grand-looking man behind a desk with documents everywhere.
"They started it." I say as I pull the fabric away from my face, the bleeding having already stopped.
"Astraea, this is Haci Ahmed Muhiddin Piri." He presents the man at standing up at the desk to me, "Piri, this is Astraea. Can you keep her here for a while, I'm going to get her some fresh clothes to wear." Piri waves to Yusuf and he turns to leave the store again and I just stare after him. I'm sure it's just the adrenaline from being chased that has my stomach turning over. Thinks the oldest person…
"If I didn't see the blood on your face I would say you were a graceful house cat, but apparently you are a lithe tiger." He gestures to a chair and I sit down as he passes me a damp cloth to wipe away the blood and as the smell of blood fades from my nose, I can smell the distinct odor of gunpowder. He busies himself for a few minutes while I gaze around his space, until he sets a cup of tea before me.
"Thank you." I take a sip and he nods before going back to his layers of papers.
"So, when are you two getting married?" He asks without looking up from his piles of papers and I choke on the tea that I had just sipped.
It has now been several days. And there hasn't been a peep from Yusuf. Let alone the scent of the spice market appearing while I draw the afternoons away. Somehow I find myself craving to have that scent near… I never knew I could want to have a scent around me so much.
Now here I am… Looking at a plain building across the street from me. The location my sleuthing has led me to. And I thought it would take a day or so… But it only took one afternoon of following Assassin trails.
How did I even end up letting myself do this?
I survey the unassuming building in front of me. Using my heightened senses ability I can see that there is a fairly large subterranean space underneath the next few buildings.
But where should I wait?
I spot a domed roof at the top of the building, so I climb my way up there and am floored by the stunning view allowed to me in this spot. It is more exposed than I normally choose, but the view is spectacular. Glad that I had brought my smaller sketchbook along with me I pull it out of my bag and begin to draw.
A few hours pass by and I begin to wonder whether I made the right decision to come here… But then I lose my chance to doubt as I hear a light chuckle from the next roof over.
"I had been a little alarmed when someone told me that there was a stranger on our roof… But now I'm just surprised." Yusuf's voice light as he hops over to my roof, "Did you choose this roof by coincidence, or design?" He sits next to me.
"I'd be lying if I said there wasn't some level of effort made to find this particular rooftop. I wanted to thank you for your help last time. But, you didn't come find me, so I had to get creative." I close my smaller sketchbook that I use for my personal drawings, "But, I can't recall you ever mention what a great view you have up here." I just to the view before us.
"This is certainly a wonderful view." He says almost quietly, I can see him just looking over at me though, so I try to ignore it.
We sit in silence for a moment, my mind wandering to places I'd rather it not go and the fact that Yusuf is sitting closer than he usually does is not helping with the wayward fantasies that continue to plague my mind whenever I'm… Well. All the time now really.
"I have been dealing with the Thieves Guild in the city. It seems that the ones who attempted to accost you were members of theirs that were already looking at being severed from the organisation. They've been exiled now though. Their attempt to swindle and attack you was something of a last straw. The Thieves here, despite being Thieves, stand up for the people who typically cannot stand up for themselves. And despite some obvious efforts on your part, they have noticed that you've done a sizable amount of helping those in need. Although, they had also noticed how carefully you hide all traces leading back to you, so they were not going to approach you at all." Yusuf explains carefully, "The leaders had all agreed to let you do as you please in any of their areas, but not all of the members had agreed since you seemed to be making good akçe with your drawings." He scratches the back of his neck a little, "It seems that the group who approached you had done so with the intent to intimidate or beat you into giving money to the Guild in the hopes that it would look as though you were willing paying the Guild some kind of tribute."
"Which they hoped would result in getting in good with the leaders. I guess they expected some kind of meek lamb of a woman…" I come to the conclusion that Yusuf leading up to and he just nods the confirmation and chuckles a little at my choice of words.
"I… Told them that you have… Ties with the Brotherhood, which did get a good reaction out of the men you had beaten." He chuckles a little bit, "Either way, the Guild's final decision after all of our discussions was to have them exiled from the city. The Mercenaries and the Romanies have also both been informed of the status of the five who attempted to attack you."
"Well, I admit that I didn't expect anything to come of it…" I haven't had that kind of defense in a long time… "I… That wasn't something you had to do… So… Thank you…"
"Maybe I didn't have to do it… But I wanted to do it. For you."
The sounds of clashing metal float through the air as I walk through the streets. The area is full of tension. People walking as though the road were made of eggshells. While this is one of the more ragged districts people aren't usually so… Skittish.
I follow the sound of the skirmish through the side streets to a grassy hill that leads to a small stream with a few of the remnants of the Romans scattered around. Standing next to a building, I watch for a couple of minutes to get a handle on the situation. That's when I notice that there are a handful of the people involved wearing the iconic Assassin robes. The other party looks decently armed… But they don't look official in any sense of the word.
Next I find myself dashing into the fray.
I shoulder check one man away from a prone Assassin and he is launched into a ruined stone column. I race across the skirmish to another attacker about to land a finishing blow. I reach him, grab under his pauldron, roll myself over his back, and use that momentum to toss him to the other side of the stream.
Then at the center of it all I see Yusuf standing in front of a frightened group of children their backs to the stream, he seems to be protecting them from the battle. But I see one begin to arrive behind Yusuf and the children. I race that way snatching a dropped sword along the way as the new arrival raises his shamshir. I skid along the ground to get there before the man and just as he brings his weapon down towards the back of one of the children I slide into place between them. I raise the sword up to stop the shamshir bearing down and managed to deflect it mostly, taking a minor slash just above my right bicep.
The man is then dispatched by a thrown knife protruding from his neck as the sounds of the fighting die down.
"Astraea… I… How did you end up here?" Yusuf asks as his Assassins finish off the remaining assailants.
"This skirmish wasn't exactly quiet. It had the whole district on edge. I'm sure word will be getting to the Janissaries…" I comment, lying that I had been a little worried when he hadn't arrived where we have been meeting unofficially for the last couple of weeks.
"I don't imagine they care enough about this area to do very much about a local disagreement. They care more about the richer districts than this one… Which is why groups of thugs like these ones seem to feel entitled to ruling here." He says with a note of sadness in his tone. Then I hear shouting getting closer through the streets.
"Yusuf, there is a group of men coming this way now." I tell him as I face the direction of the shouting to try and hear who they could be, and contrary to Yusuf's thinking… "They are Janissaries." I say shortly. Yusuf then gets the children to all run. And his Assassins scatter, two helping the ones who had been prone get up and begin to run away. Yusuf waves for me to follow him as he climbs the hill towards the crumbling section of Roman aqueduct and begins to climb the side of the aqueduct, using his hook blade to speed up his climb. That blade makes it look near effortless to climb that high…
Once I get to the top he crouches at the edge and watches as the group of Janissaries fills the area by the stream and they begin to investigate the area.
"How did you know they were Janissaries?" He asks as we watch them scour the area of the conflict, "I could barely hear them at all." He turns to face me a hand goes to his chin in thought.
"I have really good hearing… It's how I was able to find you. I…" I close my eyes, hoping he doesn't distrust me after this, "I understand if you don't believe me. I can…" Leave. I find the word won't leave my lips. Then a pressure on my right shoulder.
"You protected that child without even knowing what the circumstances of the fight were. Why?" His question brings my eyes to look up at his.
"A child… Even growing in conditions like this, is completely full of potential. Circumstance shouldn't be the reason that all that potential is thrown away… So if I am in the position to prevent the death of a child, or anyone really, I'm going to do it. Plus with you defending them, could I let myself do any less?"
"Carelessly of your own welfare as well, it seems." His hand moves the remains of my sleeve aside to reveal the slash, almost healed enough to stop bleeding, "You should have said something. I wouldn't have made you climb all the way up here with this." He puts pressure on my other shoulder to have me sit down as he pulls some bandage out of a small pouch at his hip.
"I'll be fine. I have more than just good hearing… It just needs an hour or so before I can get on the move again."
"That makes you—" He starts.
"A monster." I finish for him and he shakes his head at me.
"Incredible. That makes you incredible." He says as he wipes away the blood on my shoulder. With how close he is I see a small cut on his chin, so I pull out a handkerchief from my own pouch and gingerly wipe the blood off his face with my mind completely silent. Silenced by his words. Silenced by his eyes. Silenced by his care.
When did he work himself so completely into my mind?
Every waking moment that passes is full of him… I can't keep my mind on other things. Only yesterday the landscape I was sitting to draw didn't end up on my paper. His face did.
I can't let this keep going… It isn't fair to Yusuf.
I cannot give him the life and love he deserves. He deserves someone who can grow a family with him. He deserves someone who can grow old with him once his life with the Assassins cannot continue.
And…
"And I cannot provide him those things." I say out loud to myself, the words said into the space around ring so true in my heart that I can feel it breaking, "I… I cannot tie him to a love that has no future. I do not want to bind him to the same emptiness I must live."
I should leave Istanbul.
The past couple of months have been euphoric… But… I'm a monster, and I cannot taint his life any further than I have. I just hope it isn't already too late… Because even if it is, I must leave.
I don't know what kind of repercussions tying down a sixteenth century man could have. What if me having him erases an entire lineage of Assassins from the world? I cannot risk that.
I need to leave Istanbul.
I stare into the darkness of the room I'm in and tears begin to fall. This realization should not have taken so long… I've been selfish with his attention… I didn't even realize that's what I was doing, but now it's so clear. Perhaps in thirty more years I could come back here… And if he still lives he could understand why I had to leave.
And now that I've realized all of this, I must tell him that I need to leave.
"How unusual! The same spot two days in a row." Since I didn't draw the landscape at all yesterday… Yusuf sits down next to me on the roof, I have to tell him I'm leaving tomorrow, "Today I have some business in the Bazar, would you like to join me for a while? I see you already have some drawings to sell." But I need to say it before his scent and manner send my thoughts away.
"Alright, but there's something I should tell you before we go." I was going to just say it all at once… But the words won't come out. I don't want to leave. Istanbul is amazing… And…
"What is it?" Yusuf asks, he voice taking on the more serious tone.
"I… I'm leaving Istanbul tomorrow." I manage to force out. Yusuf just stares out over the city and hums a little.
"How about a bargain then?" He stands up and offers his hand to me, a grin on his face that melts my resolve to leave. I take his hand and he hoists me up.
"What did you have in mind?"
"One week." He says simply, "One week to let me convince you to stay. If at the end of the week you genuinely want to leave, then I will step down." I already want to stay…
I look to where he is still holding onto my hand and I take a breath. I should tell him no… He deserves so much more…
"Please." Yusuf pleads quietly.
"Okay… Only one week though. Then I'm leaving." I try to sound more decided than I feel, but I just hope he can't see right through me.
"Excellent! We will begin this as soon as I finish at the Bazar!"
We descend to the streets and stroll to the Grand Bazar and naturally we go to Piri's shop. Yusuf and Piri speak for a few minutes while I busy myself admiring some of the books on Piri's shelf.
"I'll be back here in just a little while; do you mind waiting? Piri just needs a quick favour." Yusuf says after he finishes speaking with Piri.
"No, I don't mind. I'm sure that Piri and I will be fine." Piri gestures to my folder of drawings and I nod to let him look through them while some tea brews.
"Great! I'll be quick!" He goes out the door and Piri beckons me over as he pours the tea and sets it on his desk in front of me.
"So, now that Yusuf has gone on my less than honest favour, I will ask again. When should I expect to see that you and he are married?" Piri launches into the question again. That was so close to the beginning, and yet… "You are in love with him." He states looking at me over his tea, "You know that, right?"
Yes.
No.
Maybe? No, maybe not. I have felt it so seldomly that it is hard to identify.
"And he is certainly in love with you. So what is the problem?" He asks candidly. I take a slow breath in, still working my mind around the new information. Could Piri be right? What other reason would Yusuf have to try to convince me to stay? My heart leaps at the thought, but my mind only races over how I can abandon it all, for his sake.
"He… He deserves more." I state simply before staring into the tea in my hands.
"More? You seem like a perfectly suitable woman to me." He sets his own tea down on the desk.
"I seem so because that's what I present to the world. Even if… If I love him, he deserves more than an empty future with me. He deserves someone who can give him a family, and memories as he grows old with them. I can't give him those things. I…" I am a monster… And I don't deserve love, least of all from someone as bright as him.
"Doesn't Yusuf get to have a say in what he deserves?"
Piri says nothing more. He just lets me consider it all while sipping tea. There must be something that comes from having your body age, because despite the fact that I have easily lived one hundred of his entire lifespan, Piri seems so much wiser than me.
"Piri, here is what you were wanting. Although, he seemed surprised to have it picked up by me…" Yusuf says as he comes into the shop and places a small parcel on Piri's desk.
"Perfect. And Astraea, I would like to buy one of these. How much?" He slides a drawing of the Hagia Sophia out from my folder.
"How about I think about your advice and do my best to take it to heart? And we'll call that even." Piri just chuckles at my answer.
"Hmm… It's a deal. But in this case I expect good results." Piri states as we leave, and he raises his eyebrows at me expectantly.
We walk the market a while and a few people approach me, wanting to see what drawings I have today, recognizing me from previous sales. Then we pass by an art seller who spots me.
"Are you the foreigner who has been selling drawings of Konstantiniyye?"
"I am." I say cautiously, worried that he might feel as though I've stepped on his toes.
"May I have a look?" He gestures to my folder that is currently hoisted on my shoulder. I bring it over to him and bring out the drawings. He gently looks through them one at a time, "These look as though they were drawn by one of the Italian masters! I would like to buy all of them. And if you want I would like to act as your exclusive seller if you'd permit me to." The young art seller beams at me over my drawings.
It would be convenient to not have to worry about where to sell them…
"Alright, I will sell these to you today, later we can work out an arrangement. If we both agree on some terms of course." We decide a time and day to discuss further on how we can proceed and what the terms of this arrangement would be.
Then Yusuf and I stroll the Bayezid district for a while before he pulls a peony from seemingly nowhere.
The whole day the news I shared and his proposition I agreed to are itching at the back of my mind, staining every conversation and each sideways glance at him I steal.
I take another sniff of the stunning peony he brought me today. Today's peony is a beautiful mix of colour with a warm yellow in the center and mauve at the edges of the petals. This one is my favourite. Which is appropriate, I suppose, since it will be the last one. I clench my jaw to prevent too much emotion from showing but inside my heart is only breaking further. Each day of this past week has caused the initial break to crack a little more.
Today I had asked that we have a slow and leisurely day. I wanted to take my time and have my last moments with this radiant sun peacefully. All day I have been stealing glances. Hopefully sneaky enough that he believes me when I tell him that I don't want to stay in Istanbul. I have been practicing saying it every day so that he believes me and lets me leave so that he can lead a full and complete life. Without me.
So after a slow walk in the nicer area of the city near the royal palace we made our way to the park where one way or another he already had a blanket lain out with a small meal waiting.
Now we have been laying on the blanket in the shade of the tree for a while now. Listening I notice how even Yusuf's breaths have gotten, so I look over to see that he has fallen asleep. Piri's words float through my mind again, 'And he is certainly in love with you.'
I prop myself up on my elbow and lean over him to take a closer look at his face.
I want to remember his face forever. I do my best to study every detail. The way his black curls settle around his headband, the scar that claims his left cheek and the rosiness that colours both of them. The way his scent makes me feel so light and so full of life. The way his smile seems to push all my worries away.
Maybe this act of letting someone I love go will prove that I'm not a monster. That I too can act for best interests of others and not just for myself. That I can let go of selfishness by letting go of what I want most.
I close my eyes and pain expands in my heart thinking of the bag I have already prepared as it waits in my room I've been boarding in for me to leave one final time.
Then I feel a hand on the side of my face, and it moves to the back of my head before I'm pulled down. All my thoughts turn to ashes as our lips meet.
Euphoria fills me as I relax into the embrace. Yusuf's free hand comes around my waist, I let him pull me down to him, and I begin to kiss him back.
My heart is pounding and so full that it feels like it might burst. My hand that had been resting near his head is entangled in his dark curls with my left hand now settled on his chest. With each gasp of breath I let myself sink further. I had grown up with the trope of kisses being compared to fireworks, that amazing kisses made sparks. But this… This is more than just fireworks, this is everything. It is the burst of life and colour that a firework brings, but it is also the fresh warm breeze of spring chasing away winter, and it is the sun bursting through the thick black clouds of a baleful summer storm. This is the only thing I want to have.
When we both stop and break apart, I rest my forehead against his as we both gasp breath. We both stay still, catching our breath as I reel from the kiss. I didn't know that kissing could feel that way.
Then, unwelcome, my mind comes slamming back into full gear.
"I believe you are breathing harder now than after we had escaped the Janissaries…" Yusuf jokes with a light chuckle, "Can I take it that you do want to stay here then?"
The question shatters my glowing heart. Remembering myself I prop myself back up from my position of practically laying on top of him. My hand moves from beside him to my mouth.
I do… I do want to stay. But… I can't.
I sit up and he flows me to sit up as well, with my breath still heavy and my heart crumbling I reach towards his face, but my hand stops inches away from his skin.
My heart races as though I were standing at the edge of a precipice overlooking an endless drop, a pit in my stomach forms over what I know I must do.
"I can't." I say with as much finality as my broken voice can muster. Then before letting him answer I get up.
Then I run.
I run. The fuel of my pace being the pain of my crushed heart. If it feels like this for me, I can't imagine how Yusuf must feel right now… But I couldn't stay there. If I let him talk to me about leaving I won't be able to keep my head. I barely had enough of my thoughts to run.
I arrive at the boarding house and race up the stairs to the room I was using. Snatching the bag off the floor before I climb out the window and onto the roof. For a few minutes I dash over the rooves of Galata district before deftly hopping into an alley near a busy street. The kiss still tingles on my lips.
With the sunset looming I hasten to get out of the city before any of Yusuf's Assassins spot me and relay my location to him. Because from what I already know about him, he isn't going to just roll over and let me leave. He will fight for what he wants. He is going to want to persuade me to stay… And since I want to stay more than anything, it won't take much from him to convince me.
But if I stay this won't be good for him. Maybe it could be good for me, but to stay only for that is selfish.
The crowds on this street should help to keep me hidden, but if Yusuf happens to have already gotten this far I don't know if I'll be able to hide from a master Assassin while trying to keep my speed up to leave…
The crowd veers to the right and as I pass a small side road and a shadow reaches out and pulls me out of the crowd.
Sure enough… The dark curls of Yusuf's head are leading me around a corner where he stops and turns to face me.
I couldn't make it out before he found me… I have to make sure to not let his… Him-ness make me forget why I have to leave.
This is for his own good.
This is for the future he deserves to have.
This is…
The hardest thing I've ever had to do.
"Why did you run away?" He asks after a few minutes of silence.
"Because… Being with me… You deserve so much more… If I stay here… With you… Then all you will have is an empty future when you deserve to have someone who can love you without pause, who can give you a family and future you deserve, and can give you all the memories of a life growing together…" I turn and lean against the stone wall behind me, "I can't give you any of that… A future with me is hardly a future at all. It will only be heartbreak and pain." Each sentence I finish tears my soul a little more, and tears begin to fall down my cheeks. My heart is hammering in my chest but instead of the euphoria earlier all I can feel is a numbing pain. I look to my feet; I can't bear to look at him… I'll break.
"And I get no say in what I think I deserve?" He steps right over to me, his warm scent consuming my mind, "What about what I think you deserve? And you never said that you don't want to stay…"
"I can't stay…" His hand slowly comes up to face, he takes enough time that I could move to stop him, but… I don't want to stop him. He wipes the tears off my cheek before resting his hand there, "I shouldn't stay…" His hand moves under my chin and he turns my face up to look at him. His face displaying the most loving expression I've ever seen on someone as they look at me.
How did this happen so fast?
"I didn't ask what you 'can't' or 'shouldn't' do… I asked you what want. Do you want to stay here?"
I want to stay… I want to stay more than anything. I clench my jaw and ball my hands into white-knuckled fists.
"I don't…" I start but the words stick in my throat creating a lump in my chest, trapping all the other things I should say. Deserve to stay… Want to stay… I dig my nails into my palm to spur me forward.
"You don't…" Yusuf prods and I have to cast my eyes downward; I can't say it looking him in the eyes. My heart and my mind have never been so at war with each other. My mind knows I must leave to let him live his life. My heart wants only to wrap my arms around him and kiss him forever.
"I… Don't… Want… To stay." I force myself to say, fresh tears begin to form and fall.
"That does not sound very convincing… But you kissing me back was very convincing of something else." He states plainly, Assassins are too observant, "Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want to stay, then I will… Let you… Leave." He nudges my chin upwards again. He struggled to say the last part. He is hurting just as much as I am.
I turn my eyes back to meet his, the striking turquoise of them entrancing me.
I know what I have to say…
"I…" I breath deep to try calming the tightness in my chest, "Want…" Our bodies are leaning further into towards each other with each second that passes, "I… Want…" To leave. Say . It. My mind orders, but my heart wavers.
"You want?" Yusuf whispers, with our faces now barely inches apart his breath caresses my cheek.
My right hand reaches up and settles gently on his cheek.
The longer I stare into his eyes, the protests of my mind grow quieter and the voice of my heart becomes all the more compelling.
All it takes is…
Then a little push forward from my heart brings my lips onto his almost desperately. Again all of my worries disappear from my mind as I kiss him. This kiss no less incredible than the first, just as warming, just as invigorating, and just as fulfilling.
His hand that had been holding my chin tangles itself in my hair while the other that had been patiently waiting at his side moves around my back and pulls me right against him. My hand stays on his cheek while the other mirrors his by tangling itself in his dark curls. He leans us against the stone wall behind me, pressing me against it. My hand moves from his cheek down and behind his neck.
When our lips part I rest my forehead against his, my breath uneven and heavy; with my heart ready to soar through the skies.
"This did not help you prove that you want to leave…" I push my forehead against his more forcefully and I can't stop the small chuckle accompanied by a smile, "I love your smile." He breathes.
"I don't want to leave… I want to stay more than anything…" I move my hands onto his shoulders. A few tears drop from my eyes as I screw them shut.
"Then stay." He says simply before tipping my head back and kissing me again.
And it had been less than a year after that that we had agreed to exchange rings, on my suggestion we did not formally get married. He had recently become the leader for the Brotherhood based in Istanbul and wanted to dedicate himself to it, but he had also wanted to prove to me how he felt. So, I had suggested something like a handfasting, where we exchange rings and promises instead of a marriage. I grasp the ring hanging from the chain around my neck, the one that I had given to him and the one that had spent the next eight years on his hand until he had been killed.
The stars are amazing tonight… I look over at Yusuf, he is laying back against the slanted roof of the tower, but he isn't admiring the view… He is looking at me with a disarming smile and pulls a beautiful peony from behind him and presents it to me.
I have never felt this way about someone before…
"You are truly a maiden of the stars. My maiden of the stars." He pulls me in for a deep and loving kiss.