Gretchen looked at her, chin up defiantly, but then she suddenly turned her head down, defeat on her face.

Gretchen was silent for a long moment, clenching and unclenching her fists, but finally she met Janeway's gaze and spoke evenly, "I gave Marla the means to have healthy children."

"What? I don't….I don't know what I expected….but it wasn't that."

Gretchen rubbed at her arms and sighed deeply, closing her eyes as she began to speak, "In my timeline Marla lost two young children in a row, due to a rare genetic defect…She knows it's a problem now, it's one reason she was so desperate to make it back to the Alpha Quadrant where there might be treatment. In my future we made contact with Starfleet just long enough for them to give her a cure…..only to find out too late that it wasn't really a cure after all. There was a fix available...one her children weren't home to receive….so they died."

"She blamed you," said Gretchen, opening her eyes, staring at Kathryn intently, "And in time she hatched a plot to kill you. To get her revenge…..And she did, she succeeded…..I wasn't there when you died….but I was there when she admitted it...she had a phaser to my head...when she confessed..."

Janeway gasped.

"She had lured you away...you told me to stay, acted like it wasn't a big deal...but in time I followed you....And I found you...dead. When I first saw Marla, I thought she was there to help...but she grabbed me...and dragged me...and laughed...that terrible bitter laugh….that smirk of triumph…...the way she said your name….like you were a dog to her…..trash...she confessed willingly...My mother's killer....She was a nightmare to me…..I cowered at the memory of her face, I trembled at the mention of her name…."

"Daddy, my father...shot her dead, and I lived…..But from the moment she confessed….I've never been free of her….she's haunted my mind…..ever since…"

Gretchen shook her head violently, but spoke evenly, "…..It's unsettling, to say the least, to think of her as a person….I expected to hate her here in the past. I did hate her here…But I knew I had to play by your rules. I knew she hadn't killed you yet, hadn't even thought of it…..I would've been reasonably content with her exile for crimes against those aliens, death would've been better, but I knew Starfleet was too 'civilized' for that."

Gretchen paused, and Janeway prodded when she did not speak again, staring at her intently, "So why did you spare her? You didn't have to break Starfleet rules. I've seen your report. You could've let her die by Maxwell Burke's hand during the mutiny. All you had to do was hesitate a few seconds before you killed him, no one would ever even think to question it, not even me. You did what you did on purpose. Why?"

Gretchen sighed and spoke reluctantly, hands clenching tightly, "Before I got out of the Jeffries Tube, I heard them talking. Maxwell Burke had just admitted to killing Ransom, I can't say I was surprised…..But she was,…she was shocked, she couldn't believe he had done it…. She was completely appalled that he had killed their Captain…..So much so that Burke knew he had to kill her before she was trouble….It seemed wrong, to let him do it, even though it would be convenient to me. I don't know why it seemed wrong….Why shouldn't I let them cannibalize each other?" She looked at Janeway sadly.

"So I saved her life…" continued Gretchen numbly, "As to why I fixed her problem, and gave her the permanent means to have healthy children…..She seemed….different than the Marla I remembered…..She saved your life. I bet on her to do it…..I don't know why…but in that moment, when Noah Lessing held that phaser to your head, I knew she could. Noah Lessing was her husband in my time….And when she talked him down…..she seemed genuinely sorry for what she'd done to those aliens."

"I hatched my plan," said Gretchen, "But I hid it, because I didn't want to talk about it or to have anyone interfere. I knew you'd insist I give it to her if you knew. But I was the only one who remembered her crimes. It was no one's decision but mine...But when I spoke to her….on the planet the Equinox crew were exiled to, right before we left them…..she seemed like she had….found her voice….so to speak…..grown a backbone….part of me was still hoping she would give me a reason not to go through with it…..but she didn't."

"I didn't plan on being so sympathetic…." Gretchen looked away, rubbing at her arm again, "…But…one of my earliest memories, is a woman…..not Marla, but…..a mother, who had just lost her oldest daughter, grabbing me, sobbing, clinging to me so tightly….I thought about that image…..and one more…..someone I loved….laughing bitterly like Marla….."

There was a long silence as Janeway waited patiently for her to speak again, watching even the slightest movements of her face.

Gretchen turned slowly back to Janeway, speaking tiredly, "I wasn't prepared...I thought I had made my peace with helping her. But then she looked at me….and asked for my name….and said she wanted to name one of her children after me."

Gretchen hunched over, laughing suddenly, and the sound was bitter, "And then I realized what I'd done...Almost the first thing I change...My timeline gone...And in its place... In place of my crew...Children born to the woman I hated...named after me...I just…couldn't deal with it…when you cornered me….I couldn't face it...the Brig was so much easier...than facing my betrayal of my crew."

"You didn't…." protested Kathryn, reaching out and holding both of Gretchen's forearms.

"Everything in balance," said Gretchen exhaustedly, looking at the floor, "If I wasn't going to hate Marla, I had only myself to blame. Someone had to pay for what happened to my crew. I changed the timeline…..I replaced the people I've loved since I was born, with Marla damned Gilmore's children…..All on some stupid idea of Thomas'…..It was the only move we had left...But even so..."

Gretchen pulled away, crossing her arms in front of her chest, and staring out Janeway's large Ready Room window at the unnerving movement outside, "That section of space we just passed over was my home. I was born there…..Mary, Philip, Alan, L'Naal, Jeremy, Thomas, Lynna, they were all born there. My crew, my family….."

Gretchen continued so quietly Janeway could barely hear her, "You believe the Captain goes down with the ship. She never abandons her crew, ever, for any reason.…But I abandoned my crew. Everyone who served under me is not only dead, I erased them."

"I don't claim to know how we're born," said Kathryn quietly, "Where who we are really comes from. If it's all biology, or something else. But if it is something else, as you yourself claim, if we do have souls, then I think it's logical that they'll be born again somewhere, some place where hopefully they can live a long time, have happier lives that what turned out for them in your timeline. Even if you don't know them in this timeline, even though you have to mourn them, that must be some comfort," said Janeway, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"I don't accept that," said Gretchen heatedly, pulling back and staring at her, "Would you? If you had really died when that demon was tempting you, if it had really been your father taking you to the afterlife, would you have accepted some kind of gamble to roll a better existence? Would you give up your whole identity, your family, your Captaincy of Voyager to live a longer 'and happier' life somewhere else?"

"No," said Janeway firmly, "I wouldn't. I always accepted that being a member of Starfleet could shorten my life. But this is what I wanted. I wouldn't have it any other way…But I wasn't a child, and I had choices. I had had a life, a good one."

"Lynna was 20," said Gretchen, gulping, "But she was the youngest, Mary was 29…not a child, not that much off from what you were when you 'died'."

"Why did you do it?" said Janeway, tilting her head, "Why did you change the timeline if you believed it was wrong?"

There was silence, which was suddenly broken by Janeway's combadge.

"Captain," came Chakotay's voice, "Report to the Bridge."