If the impact hadn't knocked my breath away, the freezing temperature certainly would have.
I made the mistake of gasping underwater, choking as the cold liquid forced its way down my throat. My legs kicked fruitlessly in the pursuit of air.
Something sleek and very much alive brushed against me. At that moment, I remembered too late.
The vampire eels were attracted to movement. Well...bon appétit.
My head broke the surface just as pain raced through my body; one of the eels had latched itself onto my side, teeth sharp and grip unrelenting.
Lungs aching with the effort, my flailing foot made satisfying contact with another hungry creature. As I broke the surface, spluttering and coughing, it was impossible to make out my surroundings. Was someone calling my name?
Without realizing I had even raised them, something was tightly holding my wrists and hauling me upwards.
The world spun again, a dizzying display of shadow and light.
During my desperate attempts to breathe - fresh air never tasted so sweet - I coughed up the remaining water, crimson liquid running down my chin and front. "-andra. There you go." A smooth voice whispered near my ear, drowning out the high-pitched ringing.
Something, or someone, was supporting my weight while I leaned against them, but...the eel was still attached.
Out of the water, its weight seemed to drag my body towards the wet cobblestone, releasing new waves of pain. The undulating creature was indeed translucent, and I nearly threw up then and there.
I could see blood moving through its innards.
My blood.
A gleaming gloved hand wrapped around the feasting animal's neck, and the voice said, "On the count of three. One, two -"
I heard myself gasp, vision temporarily reduced to monochrome flashes. Something heavy splashed into the water. Ouch.
"Easy now." The sonorous voice was a comforting presence, "I've got you."
Once I was able to see again - able to breathe, just barely - I was greeted by a mop of auburn curls. Julian.
"Can you stand?" The voice, Julian's voice, murmured. Blearily, I tried to nod, but only succeeded in almost dragging us both to the ground.
Okaaay, maybe not.
Thankfully, strong arms recovered our balance. "Right," Julian said, "Foolish question."
With the doctor half-dragging my sopping wet self, we gradually made our way down the darkened street.
Numbly, I watched my blood stain each puddle.
At least it didn't hurt anymore.
My soaked sandal slipped against a particularly wet stone, and I winced at the sudden movement. Nevermind.
Blinking, I found that our surroundings had changed. Whoa. More than that, I wondered when the world would stop tilting, back and forth and over again. The nausea in my stomach seemed to follow its movement, and I prayed that I wouldn't get sick. Not here, not now.
Julian's gentle but firm grip guided me to a narrow alley, wet clothes sticking to skin. When his hands tightened, the world stopped spinning.
The grey-eyed man hummed thoughtfully, "You know…" Sturdy hands helped me to the ground, red and black cloth cushioning my head. His coat..? After I had adjusted to the change, it was...actually kind of nice. My vision was no longer swimming, and I could feel the solid ground beneath me.
"Let me see that bite." Julian sounded uncharacteristically serious. And looked it, too.
Laughter bubbled up my aching throat as one of his hands prodded at my abdomen. "M'fine." The sentence was stuck behind my teeth, coming out in a gargled giggle.
The doctor playing doctor.
Gloved hands gingerly lifted the ruined garments from my side, practiced hands working around the wound.
I supposed it wasn't playing doctor since he really was one…
Julian murmured something too quiet for me to hear, so I resigned myself to study the night sky. Ooh, stars. That was nice.
Wait, how did it get so late?
"Damn," Said doctor appeared less than pleased, even in the dim lamplight. "The bleeding won't stop."
Leaning back onto his knees, the man immediately began to peel off his long, black gloves. How was it that I'd seen most of his chest before his hands? My hazy vision focused on the pale shock of skin and long, nimble fingers.
That mark.
I sucked in a breath, nearly causing my eyes to flutter shut at the sharp contraction. Yes, it definitely still hurt.
The back of his right hand was exposed, revealing the murderer's brand, stark and irreversible. I followed the heart-shaped brand to his wrist, where the dark ink formed a sharp arrow.
"Stay still, Cassandra." The other, bare hand pressed against the open wound.
"Julen," I slurred, frowning when the word didn't come out right. He smiled briefly, "Don't move. This will only take a minute or two." His unmarred hand gently cradled my head, allowing me to study the doctor. What was he doing?
Somehow, the pain had already begun to ebb. Whatever he was doing...it was working. I struggled to keep my eyes open, relishing the soft brush of his fingers against my cheek. A stray curl fell over his eyepatch.
Now that I was stationary, I could feel my own hair clinging to my face and shoulders. I likely resembled a drowned cat...Julian was focused, expression intense and unsmiling.
It was funny, I thought drowsily, His straight nose, sharp cheekbones and jawline, the bags under his eyes, even the distinct Cupid's Bow...The features should contradict one another, and yet, seemed to work together flawlessly...So not fair.
Pressure increased along my stomach, but I ignored it in favor of studying the mystery that was Julian Devorak.
My head was beginning to clear, the fog lifting.
"Julian," I managed to say his name properly, cheering internally. His stormy gaze turned to my face. I felt my lips curve upwards, "We have to stop meeting like this." He paused, then burst into a bark of surprised laughter.
"If you're well enough to joke, you're well enough to sit." Julian chuckled, slowly helping me to a sitting position against the alley wall. A bare hand, cold as ice, was placed briefly against my forehead. Doctor Devorak. "At least you didn't catch me breaking and entering this time."
"That's because you don't have the key anymore." I leaned my head against the alley, closing my eyes, "Otherwise, who knows?"
"That's true." The doctor laughed again, falling quiet when the sound of metallic armor and footsteps was audible.
The guards. I'd nearly forgotten about them.
"We can't stay here much longer." He murmured. There was a beat of silence, then he said, "I'll admit, I was surprised to see you in the neighborhood." Without bothering to move - my eyelids were heavy with exhaustion, and it was dark in the alley - I blindly replied, "I do live here, as you well know." There was a muted rustle, and Julian responded, "Still. You've got some kind of luck." The regret in his tone finally prompted me to open my eyes.
As I did, my gaze was immediately drawn to his throat, the next quip forgotten. "Julian," I breathed in shock.
A glowing, clearly magical, circle was placed carefully on the smooth expanse of his throat.
Wait, why did it look so familiar? The design was something I'd definitely seen before - elegant lines forming smaller patterns within the circle - though I struggled to remember where.
Noticing my reaction, Julian leaned backwards, hand running through his hair. A shadow passed over his face. "Ah, do you recognize your master's handiwork?" That was from Asra…?
For a moment, the doctor curled into himself, a rush of emotions crossing his face. The bitterness of regret and nostalgia in his aura, marred by an undercurrent of...guilt? Anger? No, frustration. The marked hand fell to his side, wrapping around his stomach.
With equal parts fascination and horror, I watched fresh blood - crimson against the white linen shirt - blossom beneath his palm. It was in the same area...My hand automatically went to my own wound, where I found...nothing.
Nothing but ripped cloth and bare, undamaged skin. Not even a scar. I straightened, realizing the pain and dizziness were completely gone.
"This," He clenched his teeth, then continued to explain, "was his parting gift to me. A curse."
I swallowed, eyes wide. I knew Asra didn't think highly of the doctor but ..."A curse from a witch who fears commitment." The bitterness grew clearer, and I wondered if the metallic taste on my lips was from the stained water. "Best part is," Julian panted, free hand planted on the damp stone, "I get to experience the injuries or sickness for myself." He winced, features crumpling in pain.
I immediately shot forwards when he swayed in place, supporting the sudden weight of his body. Even with my mind racing - Asra had cursed someone? Not only that, he had cursed Julian, why? - I was taken aback by the anger that swelled in my breast. "You shouldn't have done that," I chastised, frowning as his body trembled.
"It won't last," He responded, muffled against my shoulder, "It never does." A shiver ran up my spine when his breath danced along the nape of my neck.
Holding onto the man tighter, I whispered a quick warming spell. The very air around us grew hotter, a blessed relief from the chilly night. We couldn't stay in wet clothes.
Julian shivered, then tried to pull away, "Never been bitten by a vampire eel before. This might be interesting." He seemed to have purposefully activated this "curse" from Asra...He had willingly taken on the pain, the wound and blood loss. Even with accelerated healing, why…?
I was nobody, just an apprentice in the right places at the right time.
Regardless, Julian had always been kind, if not a bit dramatic.
I thought of the little interactions we'd had since that first night, from pulling me out of the barrel to carrying me out of the tavern. To safety. Why?
Using one hand to support his weakened figure, I used the other to softly cup his cheek. "You kind of saved my life, tonight." A small smile played on my lips. I didn't know if I would have truly bled out on the street, but he had gone out of his way to help me. To take the pain for himself.
I was suddenly reminded of Portia's comment. Maybe it was I who had Julian in my corner, instead.
"Thank you."
Ignoring my own cacophony of emotions, I pushed as much sincerity into the two words as possible. Julian blinked owlishly, cheeks darkening under the lamplight as he straightened. Even his neck and ears turned pink. It was...kind of cute. Had he really not expected it?
His marked hand ruffled his mess of curls, nearly catching on a stray knot. He did that when he was nervous. "Don't mention it." Julian's grey eye refused to meet my amused gaze, "I'm just glad you're alright."
Before I could respond, the man rose to his feet, reminding me of just how much taller he was. So not fair. With the starlight framing his figure, I took the outstretched hand.
Once more, the raven's warning echoed through the backstreets. If I never saw that bird again, it'd be too soon.
Julian leapt into action, dragging me further into the shadows.
My back hit the brick wall as his hands fell on either side, boxing me into the dark corner of the alley. A vaguely familiar voice yelled, and water splashed under heavy boots.
Two figures darted past the alley, followed by another three. By the stars, how many guards were out tonight?
Julian's body was tense under my hands, which were now splayed across his broad chest.
Sharply aware of our new position, I quickly pulled my hands back, slamming an elbow against the brick in my haste.
I hissed at the sudden jolt of pain, freezing when a warm, calloused hand covered my mouth. Without turning his gaze away from the entrance, Julian shushed me.
He shushed me!
Scowling beneath the hand, I resisted the temptation to lick his palm. It would be both childish and incredibly unsanitary.
Instead, we remained there, still and hyperaware, for some time. Felt like longer than it actually was.
Blood rushed through my ears, matching the thrumming pace set in my chest. Whether it was from our proximity or the spell, my skin felt deliriously hot compared to the cool night air.
Part of me still marveled over the strange healing magic...if you could call it that. At the reminder, my eyes dipped to his stomach.
Even in the dark, it was easy to see where the blood seeped through cloth. Although it didn't appear to be spreading, the shirt clung to the smaller indents where the creature's teeth had sunk.
Why would he help me? I was technically aligned with the guards more than the doctor, but...Given our current position, I could understand how that wasn't very convincing.
Ever since I met him, all I'd done was go along with his silly plans, following him ever deeper into the night.
How far would I go, to chase after the mystery and adventure? After him?
Studying his serious complexion, I silently resolved, more than ever, to find evidence of his innocence.
Murderer's brand or not, Julian Devorak wasn't a killer...I had to believe that.
I swallowed, wondering how I'd gotten myself in this deep.
What if he wasn't innocent? A voice that sounded suspiciously like Asra's whispered, What if Julian Devorak killed the Count? What then?
Julian's gaze drifted towards me, grey locking with green.
Unable to look away, I tried to focus on breathing evenly and quietly. My eyes were drawn south when his lips parted, a single word escaping, "Cassandra…" I wondered how the simple action set the goosebumps on my arms to rise, and - A loud thud from the street ruined the moment.
"Not the time." Julian sighed, creating space between us.
The consequential pang of disappointment was settled after his warm hand enveloped mine, "Let's go."
...
It was surprisingly easy to evade the guards without a gaping hole in my side.
Julian's grip was firm, clearly not allowing my hand to slip free again. We ducked around a corner, hearing the echoes of wooden windows slam shut. Lamps were blown out by invisible figures, darkening the streets further. They were helping us...
Somehow, even whilst running away from the very guards I was supposed to be helping, the experience was...exhilarating.
The cool wind against my face, the stars blurring above us, the maze of a city towering around our heads. Running, hand in hand.
We passed an open doorway, dim light and a tantalizingly rich scent spilling into the empty street. My stomach rumbled mournfully, but we kept moving.
After I lost count of how many turns we'd taken, my attention was caught by a rusted metal gate. An old padlock and chain wrapped around the entrance, overgrown with dark vines and broad leaves. A place to hide.
If we could climb over...If.
Even with the adrenaline, the days' events were beginning to take their toll. My throat and feet ached, though it likely paled in comparison to Julian's current state of being. I called his name quietly, attempting to tug at his hand.
The move backfired, however, when his hand only sealed further around mine. Okay, new plan.
Leaping over a puddle, I abruptly turned to run towards the abandoned garden.
I was nearly jerked backwards into the stumbling doctor before he caught on, moving with me. "Good idea," He panted, bending down at the edge of the gate. What was he - I yelped in surprise when his fingers curled around my waist, easily hoisting me into the air.
Face burning, I used the momentum to clamber over. The split hem of my shirt must've caught onto the metal, for I heard the ripping of cloth as I clumsily fell forwards. Somehow, Julian climbed perfectly over the gate, landing on light feet with the grace of a cat. Definitely not fair.
I pressed myself against the ground, the scent of damp soil around us as the bustle of guards passed.
We made it.
When the footsteps grew faint once more, I allowed myself to rise. "We did it!" In my excitement, I whisper-shouted, allowing the doctor to help me brush off the remaining dirt.
"Ha! Look at this place," He beamed, gesturing to the overflowing garden around us, "That was some quick thinking, little bird."
Ignoring the strange nickname, I turned my gaze to our little hiding spot.
The garden had been left, it appeared, to fend for itself.
Long tendrils of dark green curled around every available surface, dressing pale marble statues and columns. Beneath our feet were masses of various shrubs and cracked stone tiles; I even recognized a few patches of the weed I'd spent the morning removing from Portia's garden. It took another moment, but I realized the source of light wasn't coming from above. It was coming from...I maneuvered carefully around a crumbled column, eyes widening.
The center of the garden was just as overgrown, a decently sized fountain masked in vines. Still water - not red - lingered in the stone basin. A blue glow lit the entire scene, and my eyes followed the light to an ancient tree. Covered in the same vines as everything else, brilliant flowers set a gentle glow over the area.
"Look like you've got a knack for discovering hidden beauty." Julian commented from somewhere over my shoulder. I heard the crunch of dried leaves as he picked his way towards me.
I warily eyed his pale complexion and sweat lingering above his brow. I'd nearly forgotten, how selfish of me.
I herded the tall man over to a nearby bench, sweeping off the loose plants to make room. "Sit." I commanded, pushing down on his shoulders. He complied with little resistance, chuckling, "Alright, alright. I didn't realize you were so demanding." His grin grew wider, if possible. "I thought I was the doctor here?"
"I'm not the one losing blood right now." I snapped, instantly regretting the sharp tone.
Before my hand could make contact with the wound - he's right, I wasn't a doctor but I had an obligation to help, or at least try - Julian grabbed the outstretched limb, meeting my eyes. "I'll be fine, Cassandra." He whispered, quickly clearing his throat and releasing my wrist.
"Join me." The auburn-haired man patted the bench beside him, and I reluctantly lowered myself onto the cool marble.
At least he was sitting.
For now.
"I wonder," Julian mused out-loud, "how many parts of the city have fallen to neglect like this?"
I leaned back, torn between studying our surroundings and the injured man beside me. "Ah, look at this brute." He chuckled, nodding towards a mostly intact statue, "Hello there, handsome."
The half-man, half-bull might've been impressive after its original creation. Unfortunately, time had worn the statue down, chunks of the muscled arms and torso lying in the dirt.
"Dangerous looking creature, isn't it?" Grey met green, the slightest of smirks on his lips.
I shrugged noncommittally, responding, "I like a little danger." Maybe a little too much.
"I shouldn't be surprised," Julian laughed softly, leaning back against the tree behind the bench. "It seems you're full of hidden depths, Cassandra."
I wondered what exactly that meant, or if it was even a good thing. Another thought occurred to him, face falling. "Tell me," Julian murmured, keeping his eye on me, "Do you really mean it, though?" My brow furrowed, and he rushed onwards, "You're certainly brave, it's true, but do you know what you're getting yourself into?"
There was something more to his question.
"Isn't the unknown what makes it exciting?" I tried to answer honestly, ignoring the subtle pounding against my ribcage.
The cool wind against my face, the stars blurring above us, the maze of a city towering around our heads. Running, hand in hand.
"Oh, I wouldn't say that's the most exciting bit." He shook his head, the flirtatious demeanor returning.
He must be feeling better. Or pretending to.
Leaning closer, I studied the wound, ignoring the heat of his confused gaze. "How's the bite?" I asked, frowning. It was difficult to tell from just peeking at it, especially with his shirt in the way.
I was way too close. My face warmed, and I retreated to my original position on the bench.
"Worried about me, Cassandra?" This time, the smile was fond, retaining the teasing lilt, "You needn't be. It was just a little bite. Nothing I can't handle, see?"
In a familiar gesture, the man swept out an arm; I covered an inappropriate laugh when the momentum nearly swung his whole body off of the bench. Righting himself, Julian ran a hand across his flushed face, "I, erm, reflexes notwithstanding."
A single, stormy eye scanned my expression, no doubt reading the lingering concern.
It was entirely possible that he was still bleeding out, and just trying to hide it. An impressive, albeit concerning, feat.
His hand fell onto the marble between us, lips curled upwards. "Really, Cassandra, I'm okay."
I paused, eyes narrowing. "You better not be lying to me." I couldn't help but feel like I was pouting, crossing my arms over my chest.
"I wouldn't dare." His eye crinkled into another smile. "Ah, hold still." Julian said, gaze drifting to something behind me. "It must've fallen." He muttered, reaching forwards. I immediately tensed.
Was it a bug? I swear by the stars if it was - My shoulders slumped in relief when the doctor slowly pulled back, revealing a single, glowing flower in his hand.
Oh.
Up close, the flower was even more beautiful.
The vibrant blue from within each petal illuminated the space between us, casting a soft light against his features. Elongated petals waved as he slowly twirled the flower between his fingers. I reached for the vivid light, but Julian stopped, moving it closer to himself.
"Ah, ah, ah, be careful, Cassandra." Confused, I looked from the flower to the man holding it. "There's poison in the petals."
"Poison?" I echoed, tilting my head.
"This," His voice dropping into a low, intense whisper, "is a deadly starstand." I studied the shape of the petals, seeing the resemblance to their namesake.
"A single drop of poison distilled from this flower could kill a babe in its crib. It has killed tyrants and kings, the innocent and guilty." His eye locked onto mine, gleaming in excitement, "It could topple entire empires with a careless hand."
"It's a bit overkill, if you ask me." I added, smiling. Shrugging, I reached forwards to stroke one of the petals. It was surprisingly soft, like velvet. "If you wanted to kill me, Julian, you should've just let me bleed out." It was shockingly easy, feeling utterly nonchalant about the mention of my own death.
Blame it on Julian's natural dramatics. Must be contagious.
"Do you still want it?" He offered the starstrand again, gazing eagerly into my eyes.
The question made me hesitate, as if it was much more than accepting a lone flower. Julian's face was closer than ever, beautifully lit by the magical flower's glow.
I swallowed, nodding. Even so, my answer would be the same.
What was I doing?
"So," I cleared my throat lightly, "You said the poison has to be distilled. Doesn't that make it harmless to touch?"
We both knew the answer, but I needed something to focus on. Something else.
Fingers brushing, I plucked the flower from his hand, raising to smell it.
I instantly lowered it, nose wrinkled. The flower's scent was an unpleasant contrast to its beauty, smelling of something rather acrid. Like iron and sickness. "Well," Julian rumbled, "I wouldn't eat it if I were you." "There goes your master plan to get rid of me." I sighed, dramatically tossing the flower to the ground.
Julian's hand darted out, catching the drifting blue plant in the nick of time. Impressive reflexes. Chuckling, he straightened. "Ah, but who's to say," Julian leaned closer, fingers brushing against the shell of my ear as he tucked the flower behind it, "that it's over?" His fingers ran softly down, following the curve of my neck to where the shirt hung against my collarbone.
"It sounds to me," My response escaped in a single breath, sounding almost rushed, "like you're not afraid of danger."
"Afraid of danger?" The familiarity of his responding grin was a strange relief, "Why, Cassandra, I live for it." His hand rested on the curve of my shoulder, "Positively enchanted by danger, I am." Glancing down, I quietly asked, "So, pain doesn't scare you either?"
Whether intentionally or not, his fingers briefly tightened against my skin. "Why should it?" Julian sounded relaxed, carefree, "In my line of work, you can't be afraid of a little pain. One might even say I have -" He wiggled his eyebrows dramatically, "- intimate knowledge of it."
I stared dryly at the doctor, resisting the smile that threatened to expose my amusement.
How could he flirt so easily and openly? Like flipping a switch.
Still, it was his answer that bothered me. I leaned back, watching his marked hand fall to his lap. "Are you sure you're okay, Julian?" I bit my lip, nodding towards the dried blood around his abdomen, "Even if it did heal, you still lost a fair amount of blood."
Or maybe we both had. I wasn't quite sure how the curse worked, but I would certainly learn.
"W-What?" This clearly wasn't the response he anticipated.
Julian studied me carefully, the flush of his cheeks darker under the flower's light.
"I'm perfectly fine, Cassandra." He seemed to reconsider, "No, no I'm better than fine." Julian smiled brilliantly, "I'm fantastic. After all…" His hand moved to cover mine, gaze lifting to the tree above us, "I'm here, in a beautiful garden with you."
Ridiculous as the flirtatious line was, it actually felt sincere. My face heated as a light breeze made its way through the clearing, rustling the leaves.
"Who wouldn't be delighted by such wonderful company?" Julian added, curls dancing across his forehead in the wind.
"Flirt." I shot back, the blow softened by the affection in my tone.
Affection? Cassandra...I mentally shook the warning away. Wanted or not, I enjoyed being around him. It was...easy, with Julian. Maybe not easy - I was always on my toes, waiting for the next twist of events - but I didn't have to worry about not meeting expectations or trying to act like the person I used to be, the person I'd been with all of my memories intact.
I dropped my gaze to our hands in my lap. With Julian, I could just...be.
The realization was, frankly, terrifying.
No wonder why my heart was racing.
A surge of gratitude rushed through me, and I flipped my hand in his to squeeze it gently.
Thank you.
I could feel the doctor's attention return to me, confused, "For what?" My head jerked up. I had spoken out loud.
Julian moved to catch the flower, which had fallen with my sudden movement. As he tucked the flower back behind my ear, I tried to appear calmer than I felt. "You know," I replied, shrugging, "for healing the wound. I...I feel bad that you were hurt because of me."
It was true, even if it wasn't what I'd been thanking him for.
"Trust me, Cassandra, better I hurt in your stead." I frowned at the blatant disregard for his own well-being, but Julian kept going, "Besides, you're much more fragile. I'm surprised the vampire eels were even interested."
My mouth dropped open, bursting into laughter at the unexpected jab. Before I could protest, his hand was - once again - covering my lips. I narrowed my eyes as he leaned forward, smirking. "Careful, Cassandra." He whispered, warm breath sweeping against my skin, "The guards will hear you."
Guards? Oh, right.
Julian's visible eye bore into mine, grey meeting green.
The smirk was gone, replaced by an intense, almost magnetic expression. His hand brushed against my lips as it moved, drawing back to cup my face gently. What...what was he doing? Why didn't I move? Why...His thumb swept against the skin slowly, effectively scattering my thoughts.
"Julian," I whispered, unsure as to what I would even say. What was I doing? He moved closer, and I was vaguely aware of the flower slipping from my ear again. Or the heat of his breath against my face, the way his eye was slowly closing. Were we…?
Loud footsteps came from somewhere nearby, somewhere close. No.
I opened my eyes, wondering when I had closed them. "Right on time," Julian muttered, scowling. As he abruptly stood, I took the brief moment to catch my breath, nearly reaching out to keep him from….from what?
Terrified of the answer - this whole night had been...something else, removed from reality or the weight of our responsibilities or… - I wrapped my arms around myself, squeezing my eyes forcefully shut.
Breathe, in and out. In, and out.
Something in my chest tightened at the sight of his black gloves.
Silent, I watched Julian throw on the overcoat next, buttoning up the jacket with nimble fingers. Fingers that brushed against my lips, my face…I stood quickly, drawing the doctor's attention. And his concern.
"Cassandra?" He studied my expression, lips pursed.
"Let's go before the guards arrive." I swallowed, pulling my gaze away to stride past the grey-eyed man. Past the man I was responsible for protecting. For...for Portia. For the sake of truth...And that's it.
I'd never been good at lying or hiding my emotions. Asra had told me as such in the past. You wear your heart on your sleeve.
Even the Countess had commented on it. Ah, that eager face will be my undoing. And yours as well, if you do not learn to master it.
Even so, as we silently left the garden behind, I realized that I couldn't even convincingly lie to myself.