The Bikini Bottom Recital Hall, the autumn of 2009…
He hated him so much! Words could not describe how much he detested this wretched, self-important snob and his gratuitous unibrow! The size of his ego was matched only by the size of his bulbous nose! This insufferable blowhard, who took so much glee in rubbing his ridiculous amount of success in the nose of his underappreciated underdog of a rival, Squidward Q. Tentacles.
Why in Neptune's name was he here? Did he have no dignity? Sure, working as the Krusty Krab's cashier and having Spongebob and Patrick as neighbors, not to mention the closest approximation to friends would destroy anyone's morale, but still, why was he here? Was he subconsciously admitting defeat? Admitting to Squilliam Fancyson that the latter was indeed better than him?
Speaking of that jerk, Squidward's brewed in bitter contempt as he watched the end of his hated rival's clarinet concert. By "clarinet concert", he of course meant Squilliam just standing on stage next to a clarinet and somehow getting showered with admiration. How did that work?
Squidward could also just stand next to a clarinet on stage, any halfwit schmuck could do that! What was so special about Squilliam that he deserved to be rewarded for doing zilch?
"He's such a great musician. He doesn't even have to touch an instrument to be brilliant!" the patron sitting next to him marveled, much to Squidward's chagrin.
"Thank you! Thank you!" Squilliam bowed and blew kisses at his adoring fans.
Squidward seethed with envy. "He's not so hot! Just imagine him in his underwear, Squidward!" he told himself, looking for any meager means to demean his enemy, even if it was just in his mind.
Squidward did so, only to see Squilliam's body transform from a lanky guy in a tuxedo into a muscular, perfectly sculptured renaissance statue of the ideal male physic in a speedo, who flexed his magnificent biceps.
Growling, Squidward clutched his eyes and fumed. "Stupid sexy Squilliam!" he grumbled. Even in his imagination, Squilliam had to make him feel inadequate! Well….even more inadequate than usual.
"Alright, I've had enough!" he jumped out of his seat and stormed off, ranting. "Bunch of nonsense!"
Once outside, he came across a prestigious-looking female fish, chatting with her equally fancy acquaintance with a monocle.
"Why, here he comes!" he suddenly pointed at the disgruntled octopus, making him halt.
The lady gasped. "Why it is him."
Squidward cocked an eyebrow. They must have mixed him up with someone else. There was no doubt in his mind. No one. No one besides Spongebob ever reacted with such awe upon seeing him.
"Aren't you the esteemed Squilliam Fancyson III, who we all came here to see perform tonight?"
Squidward facepalmed inwardly. Of course! They thought he was Squilliam! The two of them looked nigh-identical except for the latter's unibrow. Squidward would never admit it to himself, but that was a major reason why he loathed his old classmate so much. They were so much alike, both in terms of appearance and in terms of personality, yet one was vastly more successful. Successful at everything Squidward dreamed about succeeding at when he was still a naïve high schooler!
Seeing Squilliam was like seeing a mirror universe version of himself! One who wasn't despised by Neptune and one who had all of his artistic brilliance combined with Spongebob's borderline reality-bending good fortune.
"Sorry to burst your bubble, lady." He replied dryly. "But I'm not Squilliam. I'm Squidward Q. Tentacles, and lemme take a wild guess? You're another famous talent agent or museum curator who wishes to make a deal with Squilliam that will inevitably bloat his already unfathomable ego some more?"
"Actually, no. I'm head matron at Bikini Bottom's most esteemed musical college." The female fish replied proudly, before adding. "And you're not Squilliam, you say? Pity then."
"Why is that?" Squidward inquired.
"Well, if you were him, I would have offered you the high-paying and prestigious opportunity to come work at my college and teach your very own music class."
Squidward's eyes widened, accompanied by the sound of heavy weights being dropped. Teach his own music class? Gain fame and recognition? Enlighten a new generation of Bikini Bottomites with his artistic brilliance, so they wouldn't end up stifling in their own stupidity like their uncultured ruffian parents, which he likely served as regulars at the Krusty Krab?
This was an opportunity? Practically delivered to him on a silver platter. Sure, he told the headmistress upfront that he wasn't Squilliam, but so what? Every person in this backwater town that wasn't him, Sandy, Gary and….ugh…Squilliam was as dumb as a sack of potatoes? Wouldn't take much to fool her?
All he had to do was swallow his pride and mooch off the success of his arch-nemesis?
"Actually, I…." he started but his voice trailed off. Something in the back of his mind wouldn't allow him to finish that sentence.
"You're what?" the headmistress asked.
"I….I…" Squidward tried to say, but a little voice in his brain grew more and more audible. It was his dignity.
"Are you saying you are Squilliam Fancyson?" the monocled headmaster asked ignorantly. "Is "Squidward Q. Tentacles" a pseudonym you use to evade the paparazzi?"
"No! It's my real, legal name!" Squidward snapped back, making the two upper-class twits flinch.
"I am not, I repeat! I am not Squilliam Fancyson! Believe me! Not a day passes by where I don't wish I was him! A day doesn't go by where I don't wallow in self-pity for not being nearly as successful as him! For working at a dead-end job while he swims in his mountains of cash! I'm jealous of him! I admit it! Dear Neptune, I'm jealous of him! You do not need to rub it in my face the way he does every time our paths cross!" Squidward ranted.
The headmistress looked puzzled. "Excuse me? I never insinuated that it was my intention to-"
"To goad me into impersonating him so I could enjoy some meager amount of success?" Squidward continued accusingly. "Hah! Nice try! It almost worked! You toyed with my insecurities like a pro, lady! I almost commend you for it! It almost got me to give in to your sick little mind games and take your offer! But I won't! You know why?"
"I wasn't trying to make you do anything-"
"Because I have dignity, sister!" Squidward exclaimed flippantly, causing the two fish to take a step back, fearing this guy might be dangerous.
The veins in Squidward's eyes were now pulsating red. "I might be a poor, disgruntled shmuck working at a minimum wage job at a junk food diner, who spends his every waking moment loathing himself and the world around him for never giving him a break, for saddling him with two idiot neighbors and a corrupt, skinflint of a boss, for treating him as the universe's chew toy, for constantly having the prospect of success dangled in front of him only to be cruelly yanked away every time, and having a rival who succeeded at everything he ever dreamed of! I might be bitter, I might be disenfranchised, I might be desperate and I might be totally consumed by envy, but I would never, never, NEVER stoop so low as to mooch off my most hated enemy's success just to experience a fleeting moment of success!"
"Because no matter how pathetic the existence of me, Squidward Q. Tentacles might be, I still have my dignity! The one thing nobody can ever take away from me! You hear me! I still have my DIGNITY!"
His rant finally over, Squidward breathed in and out, his chest puffing up and deflating, while the two fish cowered and hugged each other in fear.
After finally catching his breath, Squidward crossed his tentacles and added, in a much calmer tone, "Besides? Impersonating someone as recognizable as Squilliam? That has "bad idea" written all over it. I reckon it would take, what? A day at the most for someone to figure out I'm not the real Squilliam and I would be arrested for identity theft and fraud."
"Well, that does sound like the most likely outcome for that very specific scenario?" the monocled headmaster replied meekly.
"Exactly!" Squidward retorted. "So if you were hoping to set me up for that, tough luck! I would never, in a million years, pretend to be Squilliam Fancyson! I'd rather listen to Spongebob's infernal laughter for all eternity than do that! So you can take your job offer and stick it up your-"
Squidward paused and massaged his temples. "No….no, no. I refuse to resort to such vulgar language because of Squilliam! I might not be as successful as him, but I still have tact! I still have class! I still have my dignity! So good day to you, ma'am!"
With that he stormed off, but a small smile crept onto his face. He wasn't sure why, but his outburst? It felt oddly therapeutic? The two fish looked at each other.
The headmaster whispered to his colleague, "You think that gentleman has a quarrel with Mr. Fancyson?"
One week later….
Squidward was playing his clarinet at home, when his doorbell rang. This made Squidward instantly furious.
"I swear…" he growled "…if this is another complaint about me having "a dying animal on my premise", that nimrod is gonna feel my fist go through his face!"
Squidward marched downstairs, fully prepared to deliver a knuckle sandwich and opened his door. But much to his shock, the person at his doorstep was a very freaked-out…
"Squilliam?!" Squidward blurted.
The panic-stricken millionaire's eyes twitched and he dropped on his knees, clutching Squidward's shirt.
"Squidward! I beg of you! You gotta help me!" Squilliam sobbed into his rival's chest.
Squidward was beyond dumbfounded. Squilliam crying? And begging? And begging him?
All he could say in response was, "Help you? Help you with what?"
"You gotta save me! Hide me!" Squilliam looked at him, with an expression of pure, unadulterated terror. "They're after me! I can't shake them off! I can't take another second with the two of them!"
"Who's after you?"
"Them!" Squilliam shook with fear, his eyes bulging like a madman's. "The pink starfish and the yellow sponge! They've been driving up a wall all week! I can't take it anymore! They're gonna drive me to the loony bin!"
Squidward's jaw dropped. A pink starfish and a yellow sponge? No? It couldn't be? It couldn't? It had to be a coincidence?
"A pink starfish and yellow sponge?" he squinted suspiciously. "You're not talking about Patrick and Spongebob?"
"Yes! Yes! Those are the names of the two banes of my existence!" the other octopus nodded frantically and clutched his tentacles. "Please! You have to help me, Squidward."
"Wow! Wow! Lemme get this straight? You're saying Spongebob and Patrick? The same two witless nitwits that live next door to me are in your class? The two nincompoops who couldn't distinguish a clarinet from a saxophone, one of which is unemployed and the other gets paid in Mr. Krabs's "wacky bucks", are in your prestigious music college?" Squidward tried to clarify.
"Yes! I'm telling you the truth!"
"How?" Squidward replied suspiciously, wary that this might be another elaborate prank from his rival. Then again, he was very familiar with Squilliam's "acting skills". They were both theater kids in high school. He seemed legitimately distraught.
"I don't know?!" Squilliam shrugged, just as confused. "They said something about a New Year's resolution? I'm a college professor! It's not my job to do my job and listen to what my students have to say! I'm just there for marquee value!"
Squilliam buried his face into Squidward's shirt again and sobbed uncontrollably.
"Please, Squidward, have a heart! I know I haven't been very kind to you all these years, but please help me! I'll do anything for it! Please! Have pity for a poor, little, super-successful millionaire who had to endure a week of torment! You don't know what that's like!"
He really did mean it? Squidward never heard his long-time foe sound so desperate, so broken?
Suddenly, a diabolical smile grew on Squidward's face, his teeth morphing into shark-like fangs and devil horns sprouted from his head. He rubbed his tentacles with glee before patting Squilliam on the back.
"Squilliam, old buddy. Your sob story has truly touched me." He said with faux-sympathy.
"It…it has?" Squilliam sniffed, growing hopeful.
"Why, of course. After all, I had to put up with these two idiots for years, being neighbors and all. Nobody understands your plight better than me. Of course I will help you."
"Oh, Professor Fancyson!"
Squilliam's pupils shrank and he jumped to his feet, sweating bullets.
"It's them!" he clutched his head. "They've found me!"
"Oh, no!" Squidward pretended to care. "Quick, get inside my house! I'll get them to leave!"
Squilliam grew a nervous smile and shook his hand. "Thank you! Thank you! You're a real friend!"
With that, he bolted into Squidward's house, looking for a place to hide. Squidward chuckled and rubbed his tentacles sinisterly.
A moment later, Spongebob and Patrick walked up to him, the former carrying a music sheet.
"Hello, Squidward!" Spongebob. "Have you seen Professor Fancyson?"
"Yeah, we wanna ask him for advice on how to finish conducting our symphony for our final exam?" Patrick added.
Squidward smiled, for once happy to see the dunderhead duo. "Fancyson? Oh, you mean Squilliam Fancyson? Why…I do think I've seen him." He rubbed his chin, savoring this moment.
"Great, do you know where he went?" Spongebob inquired.
"Indeed I do." Squidward gestured at his living room. "In fact, he asked me to guide you to your latest homework assignment?"
"Homework assignment?" the two asked.
"Yes, yes. You see, Squilliam is hiding in my home and it's your assignment to find him." Squidward explained.
"He wants us to play hide and seek?" Spongebob raised an eyebrow. "What does that have to do with…..well…music?"
"Eh…he's trying out some new-age, unorthodox teaching methods?" Squidward hastily explained. "Yes, yes. He's trying out new ways for teaching his students."
"How does that work?" Patrick asked.
Squidward frowned a bit. "What do I know? I….I'm not a teacher at a prestigious music college, am I now? You expect me to understand the way an expert like him thinks?"
Patrick thought for a bit before smiling stupidly. "Yeah, I guess you're right. You suck at music. Obviously, you couldn't comprehend the complex teaching methods of a gifted musical genius."
Squidward seethed inwardly but kept his composure. "Eh…yes. I'm sure you'll get the hang of it as you go along. Now…" he gestured into his house "…how about you stop procrastinating on your assignment and get going."
Patrick giggled and rushed inside. "Ready or not, we'll find you, Professor!"
Spongebob followed suit. "Thanks for the help, buddy."
He halted and looked back. "Nice horns by the way. You're celebrating Leif Erikson Day too, Squid?"
"Yeah, yeah, sure am." Squidward turned him around and pushed him in. "Good luck with your assignment!"
With that, Squidward shut the door and locked it, before turning around, and strolling away, whistling and with his hands behind his back. He felt like taking a long stroll in the park.
He chuckled gleefully. "I don't care if my house gets burned to the ground! This will be so worth it!"
"Professor Squidward"? This is one episode I remembered being worse than it was. Actually, scratch that! It was every bit as bad as I remembered it, but the catalyst for the plot wasn't. I recalled the headmistress acting a lot more conceited towards Squidward at the beginning, basically going out of her way to goad him into impersonating Squilliam, but that's not what actually happened upon rewatching it.
Squidward just jumps at the chance without much pressuring, so he did technically deserve karma for impersonating a college professor. So this makes the episode all good? WRONG!
It doesn't really matter what Squidward does. When his opposition is narcissist supreme, male high school queen bee that never grew up Squilliam Fancyson, you're gonna root for Squidward regardless. When you pit a poor, disenfranchised underdog against a rich, snotty, condescending jerkwaffle, you're gonna root for the former no matter what. Not to mention this episode also pulls a "Good Neighbors" and shoehorns in Spongebob and Patrick in the most contrived way possible, just so they can be obnoxious and annoy Squidward. Between the four of them, Squidward still ends up being the most likable character, despite his criminal activities in this episode.
And yes, I think Squidward's decision to impersonate Squilliam does feel in-character, but I like to think old Squiddy has some lines he won't cross. He might be insanely desperate for fame and willing to do anything at this point for even an iota of success, but he should have enough dignity not to resort to the ultimate sellout to his own self-worth and try to mooch off his own arch-rival's reputation for it.