AN: Eep. I hope this chapter isn't too dull. As I already told Lena, it didn't come easily. If you don't like talk and heart-to-hearts, well, you aren't going to like this!

sfaulkenberry: Yes, I adore Crowley, especially his snark. There were times he did good for the boys that he didn't have to, you know? I think he was a reluctant ally – like, he didn't want to like them, but he did. I found Merlin when I wanted something to watch with my younger kids who weren't quite ready for SPN and my daughter (who introduced me to SPN) and I ended up enjoying it too. I've never written Crowley before, but it was fun!

Lena: I was almost ready to post the last chapter when I saw your review – that's why there was no wait. I aim to please, but I'm not that fast! LOL I honestly loved writing Crowley…and messing with him. Thank you so much for your very nice words. As my grandma used to say, your kindness does you credit. *grin*

Leann: I was going to have Cas have a bigger role in this, but then I remembered that he was hiding out in the bunker at this point, which is sad. Sure would have been nice for the boys to have his healing help, wouldn't it? I just watched the eps where Cas and Crowley are working together to find Lucifer, and they are SO funny together.

Blondie: Ask and you shall receive – this chapter is almost entirely conversation between Lisa and Dean! I hope that the emotion comes through. After all is said and done, I'm more comfortable writing blood and gore and violence and action! Thanks for your comments about Crowley. I adore him.

Dean carefully refilled his flask, practice making his pour perfect. "What?" he snapped, catching Sam eyeballing him.

"It's 10 am. Maybe just wait to hear what Lisa has to say before using liquid courage?"

"It's not liquid courage," Dean lied glibly. "It was just feeling kind of empty." Truth was, he had no intention to drink that morning, but there was a comfort in the familiar weight of a full flask in his pocket. Not that he was going to admit that.

"I'd come if I thought it would help," Sam added, letting the lie slide. Dean nodded. He knew. It was two days since the big raid and rescue, but they were still in Battle Creek. Lisa had asked for a face to face with Dean, but had also requested a few days to settle down first. Dean could hardly refuse her either, so after taking a cab to retrieve Baby, he and Sam had spent a few days sleeping, researching for Amara, sniping at each other, and pretending not to be in pain.

It still sounded better than facing Lisa. Talking about feelings had never been Dean's thing. Honestly, he'd rather face another factory full of demons than look into the face of the woman he'd loved and walked away from. "Keep that leg elevated," he threw at Sam instead of thanking him for the offered support. "You don't think your fever's back, do you?"

Sam's eyes narrowed. "I don't have a fever. I never did!"

"Well, we'd know for sure if you'd let me take your temperature." Dean barely managed to duck the shoe thrown his way as he walked out the door.

Lisa was already at the frou-frou coffee house called The Golden Bean. Figures this was the one time she was early. Dean wasn't surprised that she'd found a place to sit outside. If the sun was shining, she was outside, even if it was freezing. It was a good thing, though, because nobody else had braved the cool morning, so they'd have privacy there.

Dean nodded at Lisa and went to the counter to order, sadness pinging through him as he was reminded just how many of those little details he knew about Lisa. He knew there were still a lot of holes in her memory and wondered how many little details about him she retained. And how many of them were different now that he was hunting again.

Lisa studied him in her quiet way as he sat down. "How are you doing? And Sam?" she asked. "I know you were hurt, but the hospital wouldn't tell me how bad. We were worried."

"I'm okay. We both are," Dean answered. Her compassion, though not unexpected, was disarming. "Neither of us even had an overnight stay at the hospital." It was technically true.

"Dean…" Lisa dropped her eyes, making Dean feel like he could breathe again. She tapped her fingers gently against her cup. "Dean, Ben really wants to see you and talk to you, and I'm trying to decide if that's a good idea or not. It's not that we're not grateful. I'm so, so grateful. I mean, thank you for getting him back. But I need you to tell me the truth so I can try to figure out what's the best thing to do. I'm not – I don't want to punish you. I just – dammit. It's so hard to see you again! I have to do what's best for Ben."

Dean felt exposed. He took a drink of coffee, not caring that he burned his tongue. "I know. I know. I'm…I'll tell you the truth about whatever you ask. And if you ask something I can't answer, I'll tell you that. I won't lie."

"Thank you for that." Lisa's eyes followed a bird overhead. It was clear that she was no more comfortable with this conversation than he was. "Sam – "

Dean flinched. He couldn't help it. He might owe it to Lisa to tell his own story, but his protective nature wouldn't be shut off as easily.

"What happened to Sam? It was obvious you really thought he was dead, Dean. But he came back, and he was so, so cold. I was scared of him. But now, he's kind. It's like he's a different person, and I just don't know what to think. Is he safe to be around? I mean, he's been very good to us, but -- " She broke off, looking embarrassed by her own rambling, but quicky interjected before Dean could answer. "And don't just tell me it's PTSD. Please."

"It kind of is, though." Dean wished he could make his coffee Irish. "Sam. Lisa, Sam did die. He went to Hell. Literal Hell, where he was…it was bad. Worse than you can possibly imagine. But, Lisa, he did it to save the world. He chose it, and he saved all of us. He didn't expect to ever get out. He did, and I'm not going to tell you that story, because you wouldn't believe me anyway."

Lisa's eyes were on Dean's now, as if determining the truth of his words, and that hurt. She had trusted him once, trusted him implicitly. After a moment, Lisa nodded.

Dean drank again, not tasting what was certainly excellent coffee, as Lisa was a bit of a coffee snob. He considered what Sam would be okay with. He knew in the back of his mind that Sam would agree that Lisa could know everything, if it would give her peace. Dean was less generous. He knew it wouldn't bring her any peace anyway.

"What you saw back then, it wasn't Sam. He wasn't really rescued until later. It had me fooled at first, too. This kind, emo dork – that's the real Sam. He'd give his life to protect a stranger. You never have to be afraid of Sam." Dean didn't have to try for sincerity this time; he'd never been more certain of anything.

"Ben said Sam was shot protecting him." Lisa nodded to herself. "I guess I just wanted to be sure he didn't have some Jekyll and Hyde double personality or something." She smiled for a split second, and for just that long, Dean saw the Lisa he'd loved. Maybe still loved. "It sounds crazy, but everything around you is crazy. Hell? An evil doppelganger? And yet, I believe you." She rubbed her forehead and tried to take another drink, finding her cup empty.

"I'll grab you another," Dean offered quickly, grateful for the opportunity for a break. "Carmel something?"

"Yeah. Better go decaf."

Dean got himself another, trying the same thing he got Lisa, but definitely not decaf. Maybe if it was something cloyingly sweet, he'd actually be able to taste it. He took a quick drink and burned his tongue again. He felt that. The pain grounded him slightly, and when he sat down, Dean spoke first.

"I'm sure you have other questions." I don't want you to, but I'm ready.

Lisa made the nervous gesture of tapping her cup again and Dean couldn't help but notice how ragged her nails were. She was normally so fastidious. She must have gone through a bit of hell herself when Ben was gone. "Tell me about the night you suddenly came back and were so different. It was like you were on drugs or something."

"I was, ah, damn. I was infected by something evil. I thought I was going to die, and I came back to say goodbye. Once I came, I was afraid I was going to hurt you or Ben and I panicked." Dean shook his head. "There's not much in my life I regret as much as that night. But it turns out an asshole I knew had a cure." He laughed humorlessly.

"But you left us anyway." Lisa fidgeted in her seat. "Dean…I…why? Was it really to protect us? You weren't…it wasn't…" Lisa gulped a breath and scrubbed clumsily at the tears falling. "Please tell me it wasn't a way to get away from us."

Dean was struck dumb for a long moment. She'd thought that, or even just wondered? It made him sick to imagine the pain it must have cost her. Dean set his coffee down and laid a hand over Lisa's on the table, waiting until she looked up at him again. "No. Never, Lisa. You and Ben were taken by demons. Sam tells me that you don't remember that. But they, the demons, wanted me to do something for them. When I said no, they took you and Ben just to get at me. You weren't in the hospital because of a car accident. You were in the hospital because a demon stabbed you when I got the drop on it. And you would have died except a friend was able to help. Just because of me. Me. Do you know what that feels like? When the people you love are targeted, abused, almost killed because of you?" Dean leaned back. It was like a dam had sprung a leak. All the things Dean was thinking were pouring out of his mouth, and he couldn't stop it. His carefully constructed walls were coming down.

He drew in a breath. Held it. Willed the walls to go back up, but had a feeling he only partially succeeded. His next words were soft. "Without me in your lives, I thought you'd be safe. The best way to love you…was to leave you."

There was a long, long silence.

Finally, Lisa whispered, "You really believe that, don't you?"

"Do you know how many people around me have been killed by monsters?" Dean asked in response. "My mom. My dad. Bobby. You remember him, right? Three of my four grandparents. So many, many friends and fellow hunters." He pictured Caleb, Pastor Jim, Charlie, Kevin. His throat closed up and his eyes burned. "Pastors. Women. Kids. Monsters don't care. We fight 'em, Sammy and I do, and we kill so many, but there are always more. I couldn't stay with you and protect you."

And it almost killed me to walk away.

They drank their coffee in silence.

The coffee was gone and Dean was beginning to feel the chill, but he was going to give Lisa as much time as she needed. She was a million miles away. Finally, she seemed to shake herself. "Come to dinner tonight," she said. "You and Sam, 6 o'clock. Let us feed you to say thank you for getting Ben back."

Dean started to argue that they didn't need any thanks because he was responsible for Ben being taken in the first place, but Lisa didn't let him.

"Come to the house and hang out for the evening when there's no monsters or guns or demons or any of it. Then I'll leave it up to Ben how much contact he wants with you going forward. I can't, well, we can't ever be a couple again, but Ben has the right to make that decision for himself." She stood up. "Just so you know, I forgive you, and I understand, as much as I can." She stood and hugged her cup to her chest like she wanted to draw out any leftover warmth. "I don't regret you. See you tonight."

She hurried away and Dean called, "We'll be there." He hoped she could hear what he didn't say. I don't regret you either.