Chapter 8: Do You Know Me Now?

"And I'd moved farther than I thought I could
But I missed you more than I thought I would."
- Amber Run
'I Found'

1

"Arthur!" Dutch said, sounding tired and desperate. "Listen to reason. Please, son. He did this once, and he will do it again. We need to move on from trying to save him and think about us."

"It ain't like that no more, Dutch." Arthur wasn't looking at the man, he was busy gathering the things he needed for the road. He was a man on a mission.

"It was always like that. Think about poor Sean, he should be here. We shouldn't be burying our people, he was too young. We keep mingling with people like Kieran and soon enough we'll be burying little Jack. Burying babies. Burying pregnant women." Arthur grimaced at the way Dutch described it. He knew he was just trying to scare him, but it was working. "Now I know that's not what you want, so take my advice, son. I know you cared for poor Kieran, but we need to be strong now, for those of us who you know are your family."

"I know who my family is, Dutch, but it seems to me like maybe you don't."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that people like Kieran, people who fought for us even when they had no reason to, are being cast out when people like Micah, selfish and empty-headed fools, are being welcomed into our family with welcome arms. I know when somethin' don't feel right, and that don't feel right."

"I protect this family, son. I do what needs to be done."

"Well maybe I need some of that faith you got there, Dutch." Arthur eyed the man with a sense of distrust he had never felt for anyone before in his life. "Because I just don't see things the way you do. If Kieran is so goddamn evil, then I guess I'll need to see it for myself. Until then? He is family, and I will treat him as such." He slung his repeater over his shoulder and secured it, adding his revolvers to his holsters and making his way to his horse in long strides, his spurs exaggerating his movements with each step.

Dutch got scared. The feeling was foreign to him, but he knew it when he felt it. It wasn't the risk of getting killed in a gunfight, or being hung by the government that scared him, no. What scared him was losing his family. Losing Arthur. The boy's trust in Dutch was fading, and that frightened him. That made him admit something he thought he would take to his grave.

"I knew!" He called out as Arthur mounted his horse. He looked down at Dutch, wondering if he had finally gone crazy after all these years.

"Knew what?" He asked, and Dutch hesitated before answering.

"About Kieran." He said. "I knew what happened to him."

Arthur was still on his horse for at least 20 seconds. He was taking it in. He hoped that he misunderstood what Dutch was talking about, but he knew that it was what he thought.

"How?"

"Colm. When Jack went missin', and he left us that letter, he told me he took Jack, and he told me he took Kieran, too."

"And why are you only telling me this now?"

"I didn't want you going after him. Jack was gone, and I didn't want you worryin' about that O'Driscoll boy—"

"No," Arthur interrupted. "I mean why are you telling me you know now? Why bother?"

"Because I wanted you to hear it from me. I didn't want Kieran to tell you that I knew, and for you to think I wasn't going to. I don't want to lie to you, Arthur, not anymore."

"But you did." Arthur accused. The tone of his voice was reserved for the lowest of men that he spoke to. To use it on Dutch was… something else.

"You're right I did, and I apologise for that." He sounded genuine enough, but it wasn't the time for that now. Arthur shook his head and sat up straight on his horse, making himself look stronger and more sure of himself than he felt.

"We'll talk about this later."

"Arthur." Dutch said, voice almost breaking.

"Don't, Dutch. There ain't nothin' you can say to fix this right now. I have to fix this. I'm gonna find him, and I'm gonna bring him home. While I'm gone, you're gonna need to make your peace with that. I've accepted the choices you've made, Dutch Van der Linde. It's time for you to do the same for me." With that, Arthur turned and rode out of Shady Belle. He knew where he needed to look, and he couldn't see himself returning without Kieran. He had to do what he had to do. Whatever that would cost him, he would pay it.

No matter what.

2

3 months ago.

Kieran had nightmares. A lot. He would curl in so tight on himself and mumble to himself, his eyebrows furrowed, exaggerating the creases in his forehead, and his fingers twitched like they were grabbing for something, someone, or trying to escape.

Arthur was getting too familiar to this for it to be something he could just brush off as 'it happens'. Kieran had nights like these at least three or four times a week, and it wasn't doing anything for him mentally or physically. When Kieran first joined, he tried to ignore the muffled moans that came from his corner of the camp, but it got to the point where no one else was getting much sleep because of it, so Arthur had to step up.

He knew to move Kieran's guns away from near his body before he tried to wake him up. The first time he tried to do so, a bullet whizzed past his temple, and put everyone in camp on alert, some thinking that he tried to shoot Arthur on purpose. That sure was a bad day.

When he knew he was safe, he stood about five feet away and started tossing pebbles and small rocks at Kieran's body. He learned his lesson the first time around that he shouldn't try to wake him up with his own hands, unless he wants his eyes clawed out. Kieran was more defensive in his dreams that he was in real life, it seemed.

Kieran would twitch at every stone thrown at him, and was beginning to stir as the stones got larger. It took one thrown at his arm to break him out of the dream, and he scrambled in fear back until he hit a tree, and wrapped his head in his arms. He took rough and heavy breaths through tears he was trying to hold back. It sounded like the kid had just ran a marathon, and it wasn't an easy sight for anyone.

"It's all right." Arthur reassured, keeping his hands up to show he wasn't going to hurt him. "You were just havin' a bad dream there, is all."

Kieran didn't budge, as though he couldn't even hear Arthur. He kept his arms around himself, blocking the outside world from coming in. He rocked back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

"Kieran." Arthur said, a little more gentle. "You're fine. It was just a dream."

Still no response. He didn't expect one much, but he hoped that somewhere in Kieran's head he could hear him and was eased by his words. Until then, Arthur sat down a few feet away, just keeping Kieran company.

He wasn't much to the man at the time, as Kieran had only been with them for two weeks, and was practically fresh off of the tree, but he guessed that if he could be anything to him, he could be a friend. It was a good place to start. The list of people that didn't trust Kieran then was much larger than the list of those that did. He came from Colm O'Driscoll, so Arthur couldn't blame them, but the man seemed safe enough. He was more skittish than a mangy rat, and seemed more afraid of Colm than anyone Arthur had seen. He tried his best to make it out to be like he was just a tough leader, but it was times like this when Kieran was waking up from terrors that showed how he really felt about him. Colm scared the hell out of him.

"Don't mean to keep you up at night like this." Kieran said, voice shaking. He seemed to have finally realised that he was just sleeping, and was facing reality again. "I'm tryin'."

"It ain't your fault, Kier." Arthur said. "I was like that once. Maybe not takin' it the same way you are, but I know what it's like."

"Yeah." Kieran whispered, wiping a hand down his face. "You can go back to sleep, if you want. I'll just stay awake."

"Nah, it'll start gettin' bright in an hour or two. Besides, I was hopin' to head off soon anyway."

"Where ya goin'?" Kieran still wasn't meeting Arthur's eyes. It was like he was ashamed. Embarrassed.

"I just like to take a few days to ride every now and again." Arthur kept the conversation going nonetheless. "Can get a bit much, bein' around these folk all the time."

"I hear that." Kieran laughed, and Arthur felt a little pride at that. That smile would not have been there if he wasn't.

"How 'bout you come on the trip with me, Kieran Duffy?" Arthur proposed. "Think a change of scenery would do you good."

"I don't know." Kieran hesitated. "It's been rainin' the past few days, the horses will need a good clean tomorrow."

"You ain't eatin' right, boy. You're havin' nightmares 'bout Colm O'Driscoll, and wakin' up only to realise you're with us, and you ain't sure if that's any better. People can clean their own damn horses, you just worry about your own. So come on. Ride with me."

"I don't think the group will like that."

"Dutch can advise me not to, but that's as far as it'll go. So grab some gear and hop on, I'm leavin' in five minutes."

"But—"

"Five minutes!" Arthur called out, a smile on his face as he walked away.

So they headed out before sunrise, riding out as far as they felt like going, and they ended up at Owanjila lake in West Elizabeth. They knew that they weren't going to go home without catching the mythical huge Smallmouth Bass that swam there. Said to be at least 20 pounds, maybe more, and it had Kieran and Arthur's name on it.

Arthur lit up a smoke and took a deep breath as he leaned on the fence on the dam.

"Want one?" He outstretched his hand to offer Kieran a cigarette.

"No, thank you. I'm fine."

"Suit yourself." Arthur said, smoke puffing from between his lips.

They stood there in the quiet for a couple of minutes. Each taking in the surroundings and enjoying the silence. The birds were distant yet atmospheric. The fish were extra lively in this area, too, which Kieran appreciated. Ever since being taken in by the O'Driscolls he hadn't had much peace like this. There was always someone yelling at him or some other poor fella. Then it was the constant need to be on edge thinking one of the gang members were going to kill him in his sleep, or while he was wide awake for that matter. This was nice. Arthur was right, he did need a change of scenery.

Arthur pulled out his fishing rod and began to attach a cricket to the hook before Kieran brushed his hand against his to stop him.

"Here. Use this instead." He reached into his pocket and handed Arthur another bait.

"John told me to use crickets and what not for Smallmouth Bass?"

"Sure, but you'll have a better chance of catching the big ones with this."

"Well then boy am I glad you're here." Arthur swapped the cricket for the special lake lure and attached it to the line. "I've always been more of a hunter than a fisherman. Looks like you could teach me a thing or two." Kieran smiled at the suggestion.

"Is that why you took me out here? To teach you how to fish?"

"I brought you out here because it's about time someone put a little trust in ya." Arthur said the comment in a passing moment, but when all he got was silence he looked towards Kieran who was staring at him, questioning yet doubtful. "Well, if we weren't gonna trust ya, we would never have untied you from that tree now, would we? I don't see any reason as to why you shouldn't be allowed to leave camp, go ridin' through the hills and go fishin' whenever you want. The whole idea of an outlaw is that you're nature's free man. Can't be that if you ain't doin' what you want."

"If I came out here alone, I'd get robbed, beaten, or snatched up by some O'Driscolls, or who knows what kind of gangs hang around these parts. I don't feel like much of a free man, Mr Morgan."

"Arthur." He said, and Kieran looked like he was struggling to accept that for a moment.

"I don't want to be disrespectful."

"If you're gonna be ridin' with us, then you should know that there ain't that many rules, but the ones we do have, we stick by. We ain't a hierarchy. There ain't no man on top or runt of the group. We're a family. We stick together and we let no man die alone. There ain't no sir this or ma'am that. I call you Kieran, and you call me Arthur, okay?"

"All right." Kieran said in a light breath, giving his fishing partner a nervous smile.

"I know it's hard, but we ain't O'Driscolls. We ain't gon' treat you like they did. It'll take some time for you to get used to that, but you will. As long as you wanna stay with us, that is."

"I do. I spent too much time by myself, and it just ain't for me. I like havin' people around. The O'Driscolls were definitely not the right type of people. Being with them is the only reason I think y'all folks are havin' a hard time acceptin' me, but… I wanna make this work."

"And we will." Arthur smiled, wrapping an arm around Kieran for a moment before letting him go. The only time the younger man got that much contact was to be punished. It felt nice for it not to be out of hate for once. "There's a place for everyone. Gotta put home somewhere."

"Oh yeah?" Kieran turned to Arthur with an inquisitive look in his eye. "You fellas move around all the time, I wouldn't think home was a word you'd use."

"Well, camp is home, so home is wherever camp is."

"Home is more than that though, ain't it? It's one place in the entire world that you love. A place you would stay for the rest of your life and be happy. You got a place like that?"

"Well," Arthur said, not expecting Kieran to get so interested. "We move all over, a new place every couple months, I'd say. We ain't in one place for very long. But I suppose Blackwater was the closest we ever came to settlin'. First place I really called home before… well, you know."

"Mmh." Kieran said. Arthur doesn't talk much about what happened, but he heard enough about it to know it impacted the group.

"I suppose if there's one place I'd like to go should I be able to go anywhere is back there. I know I can't, there's too much goin' on, but I liked it there. Nice place, nice people. That's all you need, ain't it?"

"You may be right." Kieran said, and began to feel a fish nibbling at the bait. It didn't take him too long to reel it in.

"Not it." Kieran said, but still proud of his catch.

"Not it, but still a good one." Arthur agreed. Kieran nodded and unhooked the fish from the line and let it slip into a bucket beside him. He cast out the line once more. Fishing was routine to him. Following steps.

"What about you?" Arthur asked. "Where'd you go?"

Kieran looked further out into the lake, taking in the familiar body.

"Right here." He said.

"Serious?" Arthur asked, looking around.

"There was a nice little piece of land just north of here where I spent a lot of time growing up."

"Little Creek River?"

"Yeah, that's it. As far as I know it's pretty much abandoned now. I went there a few times before Colm picked me up. My mammy and pappy talked about buildin' a ranch up there when I was real young, but they passed away before they could make anythin' of it."

"Well," Arthur said. "Maybe someday you can do that yourself. It's nice and quiet 'round these parts. I can see you being a ranch man."

Kieran laughed, and it was a genuine euphoric one at that. Arthur was right, he was already good with horses and he could fish to take care of himself. In a better world, he'd be doin' that already.

"Maybe someday." He said, eyes twinkling in a way that they hadn't since he was a child.

3

Present Day.

Arthur arrived in West Elizabeth the evening of the next day, the peachy tint shaded the landscape and passing folk's greetings were beginning to sound tired after a long day of labour. He made a stop in Strawberry to stock up on provisions and thought that it wouldn't hurt to ask around to see if anyone had seen Kieran pass through. He described him to newspaper vendor, butcher, and asked around in the general store, post office, hotel, and checked to see if he took a ride from the stagecoach driver, but he got nothing. Kieran must have been worried about running into any gang members or law enforcement and wanted to take the route around any settlements.

Arthur rode around south of Mount Shann and came to the open road above Owanjila lake, passing by just in case Kieran was there, but he saw no sign of the man, so he continued up north until he got to Little Creek River. He had seen an old abandoned house around here before, and it didn't take too long before he spotted it. This was the only house around, nothing neighbouring it until you got to Wallace Station, so it must be the one Kieran was talking about.

He brought out his revolver before he reached the entrance just in case some up-and-coming gang decided to make it a hideout, but he didn't feel the need to once he noticed Branwen hitched outside the front door. He was here.

"Kieran?" He called out, stepping into the house after hitching his own horse next to the other. "Kieran?" He called out once more.

He got no reply, but there was a strong smell coming from the kitchen. He checked it out, and as he expected, the sink was practically overfilling with freshly caught fish. Someone was surviving here.

"How'd you find me?" Kieran said, voice low.

Arthur turned to see the man he was looking for, standing in the door frame with his arms wrapped around himself.

"A house, huh? So you're living like some domestic family man, now?" He joked, but he knew that Kieran wouldn't laugh.

"Better to be sleepin' somewhere familiar than somewhere not, save for the fact that you now know where I am. Keeps me away from rabid wildlife and murderers. God knows that people like you were out killin' guys like me as if you were pickin' out berries for the season."

"I wish I could say you're wrong, but you're probably right."

Kieran hummed in response. The air between them was near enough hard to see through. There was a tension that was never there before, and should never be. But things happen, and here they are.

"Been keepin' busy, I see."

"What do you want, Arthur?" Kieran interrupted.

"I don't go out of my way like this unless I need somethin', you aughta know that by now." Arthur's tone changed in that split second. Kieran didn't need to be coddled with any sugar coated words. "And if you think I came all this way just to check up on ya, then you're wrong. So how about we skip the theatrics, and you come back to camp with me?"

"Why would I do that?" Kieran stepped in from the door frame, standing closer to Arthur.

"Because things have changed. The gang have some apologisin' to do to ya, and I'm not gonna lie, so do you, but this ain't gon' be somethin' we just forget about and go our separate ways on. With us is where you're meant to be. It's your home now, a'ight?"

"Yeah, like I'm supposed to believe that? Don't act stupid, Arthur, and don't think I am, neither. Nobody wants me there. Nobody ever wanted to welcome an O'Driscoll into their family. Hell, not even I would. This is the way it should be." Kieran motioned around him. "You took me away from Colm that day I met you, and I thank you for that, but that didn't mean I needed to become your hostage, and I didn't need to prove myself to nobody. I should have just gone on my way the second Dutch untied me from that tree, and now I have. The gang is better off that way, and they think so, too."

"To hell with that, Kieran! Just because some of the people in the camp feel that way, doesn't mean everyone does. Does Abigail treat you like that? No. Does John? Does Mary-Beth? Pearson? Charles? Hosea? Lenny? Did Sean treat you like that?"

"Arthur." Kieran saw where the man's mind was turning to. Suddenly it wasn't about him anymore.

"Did Sean ever tell you that you didn't deserve your place here? No! He made jokes about you being an O'Driscoll from time to time, and I know that, but he would've saved you should you have needed it! And guess what, he did! He died for you! He got shot trying to protect you! He was a good kid! And don't you tell me no different!"

"I'm not—" Kieran started, before Arthur cut him off once more.

"He was a good kid!"

Arthur wasn't one to lose his composure. He got angry from time to time, who doesn't? But he was breaking. He was a man who could no longer hold the lid on his troubles.

He didn't look at Kieran. He just turned his back and leaned on the counter with his knuckles, digging his nails into his palms.

"I don't mean to take it out on ya." He said after a minute.

"I-I know ya didn't, Arthur." Kieran put a hand on Arthur's back, and that connection was much needed. For both of them. Arthur took a deep breath, his vulnerability showing in his shaky exhale. He turned slow, facing Kieran once more.

"Javier lied, you know."

"About what?"

"When he said that I'd moved on. He told me he said that to you, and it ain't true. It just ain't."

"It's okay if it is." Kieran sounded like he had come to accept the fact that he thought Arthur didn't care about him anymore.

"It ain't." Arthur's eyes bore into Kieran's. Arthur wasn't a liar, and Kieran knew that. He wouldn't lie about this.

"All right." Kieran whispered. "All right." He repeated, more to himself than to Arthur.

"We ain't leavin' things like this. We'll make this right. Once we get Jack back, we can—"

"What?" Kieran froze, brows furrowing in alarm and question.

"Javier didn't tell ya?"

"No, what about Jack?" Kieran's breath started to become audible, and Arthur took in a deep breath of his own.

"Colm got him. That son of a bitch went and gone took a goddamn kid. We spent damn near most of yesterday tearing down a lot of Colm's camps tryna find him."

"That's… That's why Javier was in Colm's camp? He was looking for Jack?"

"Yeah. Not that he was supposed to, with his arm and all."

"Why did Colm take Jack? Why the boy?"

Arthur wished that the whole gang could be here right now to see the state that Kieran was in. He was just as upset as everyone else that Jack was taken. He cared about the kid, he saw him as his family, and he knew that if he was with them yesterday he would have taken pride in joining them in the search for him. This wasn't the shaken face of an O'Driscoll. This was a Van der Linde, a man who cared about the gang and would do anything to protect them. How could they think he was anything but that?

"Maybe Colm knew that it would piss us all off the most, and boy has it. Any of us can handle ourselves on our own, but Jack's just a kid and he needs us. Maybe he wanted us to do exactly what we're doing now, going into his camps with nothing but rage and guns. Man wants a fight, and that's what he's gettin'."

Kieran wiped his hands down his face and through his hair, pacing for a moment around the kitchen before turning back to Arthur.

"Y-You should be with everyone. You should be lookin' for Jack, they could use all the help they need."

"They have everyone lookin' for 'im, but there's no one lookin' for you. That had to be me, didn't it?"

"Jack is more important."

"You can't keep doin' that." Arthur whispered, shaking his head.

"Doing what?"

"Thinkin' you ain't important. Thinkin' you're second best to anyone else in the gang."

"Jesus, Arthur, ain't you been listenin'? I aint part of that family. I'm just an O'Driscoll to them, and I don't know why you think any different. I know I've been tryna get everyone to think I'm not, but what's the use? I don't belong with them, so what does it matter whether they think I'm an O'Driscoll or not? I'm out here now, I'm gonna live alone, and I ain't gon' be part of anything or be anywhere I don't belong."

"I'm done losin' folk, Kier." Arthur was shaking his head, tired of this whole mess. "When I lose people, it's 'cause they die, it ain't 'cause they walk away. I ain't lettin' you walk away."

"I ain't welcome there, Arthur, I don't know how many times I gotta say it."

"Then I'll be in both places if I have to."

"What do you mean?"

"I'll spend time in camp with everyone, but I'll also be here with you if that's how it's gotta be. I ain't gon' let you be alone, I won't have that."

"What does that even mean, Arthur?" Kieran asked. He was getting tired of having this conversation in his head, and now that he was having it in real life it became too much. "You keep sayin' stuff like this, and I don't know what you mean."

"What do you mean, what do I mean? I mean I wanna be here. With you."

"That may mean somethin' completely different to you compared to how I see it."

"Then please, Kieran, tell me how you see it."

"I…" Kieran started, but realised that the moment he had been thinking about over and over was right now, and he had nothing to say. But he was here now, standing in the middle of nowhere with Arthur Morgan, and he finally realised what he wanted all along. He wanted the man standing opposite him. He wanted Arthur Morgan. Plain and simple.

What did he have to lose? In all seriousness, what? He had no one. Nothing. Not necessarily in the worst sense, but in that he had a fresh start. He could go any direction here, and he could begin with this one. If things went sideways, then he could take another turn, no harm done.

So he took the first step.

He brought up his hands to Arthur's face, and the man was stiff. Kieran didn't blame him. He felt the same inside, but he was tired of holding back. Being kidnapped as much as he was taught him that in a moment everything could be taken away, so he wanted to act now.

The crackle of the fireplace was the only noise in the house. The small brushes of fingers on skin was enough to ease Arthur's muscles, and they were both drowning into each other.

'Don't hate me for this.' Kieran thought, and let himself fall into Arthur.

He brushed his lips against the older man's, just a faint touch, a feather on water. It was a lot like bungee jumping, because no matter how much people tried to ease your nerves, in the end it did nothing to dull the feeling of when you actually took the leap.

No one was pulling away. So he pushed further, and their breaths mingled together. Arthur brought his hand up and it hovered over Kieran's waist for a moment, unsure of how this worked. But there were never rules in his life, and there wasn't any now. He let it settle on the smaller frame, feeling the nerves emerge as butterflies in his stomach and mind.

Kieran. This was Kieran. And it was okay.

It was more than okay. It was… euphoric. He felt like a young teen again, running away from the law and falling into the hands of outlaws. What was so wrong in the eyes of so many felt so right to Arthur. It was what made him who he was and what he did.

He was filled with the thought that his mind was still tainted with common folk propaganda that this was wrong. A man like Arthur and a man like Kieran. Men. Not only that, but a Van der Linde and an ex-O'Driscoll. It made the kiss seem like a doomed romance, but Arthur thought with his gut, not his mind. And he felt pretty damn good about this down there.

With a twitch of a smile on his lips, he bowed down further into the kiss, his hold around Kieran tightening and bringing him closer. He wanted him to know that this was okay, that he understood just how much Kieran had thought and dreamed and wanted this, and that he was beginning to feel the same way. He knew that this was what they both needed. He needed Kieran to understand. Understand that to Arthur, he was everything. He was the reason Arthur was changing. He was the reason Arthur saw himself as a better man. And he was the reason he came all the way out here in the middle of nowhere just to tell him that he was all those reasons.

Kieran felt it. He felt the emotions swimming in his head, and it made him feel faint. His fantasies were coming true and he was terrified. He released himself from the kiss, but kept close. He couldn't hold in the laugh that escaped his lips, and he brought a hand up to cover his eyes. He just couldn't believe he was here right now, and that Arthur still hadn't pushed him away. He didn't know what he expected, but he sure as hell expected to wake up from some kind of dream, but he now knew that that wasn't going to happen. This was as real as his love for Arthur, and the man felt a semblance of that love back to him.

"I woke up chained to a wall yesterday mornin', how the hell is this happenin'?" He laughed, still nervous but for a much different reason this time.

Arthur smiled down at the man that was covering his eyes and brought his lips to the man's forehead.

"I woke up this mornin' fearin' I was gonna have to bury you, but now I'm thinkin' I don't wanna let go."

"I ain't goin' anywhere, Arthur." Kieran let his hand slip away from his eyes, and Arthur was still here. He wasn't a figment of his imagination. He was here with him.

"Me neither, Kieran." He said, closing his eyes and holding the man tighter. "Me neither."