"It should have been me," Altina said.
Like concerned parents, Juna and Kurt looked at each other, then back at Altina.
"It's true," Altina insisted. "I was the one they wanted to become the sword. I was the superior model. That was why they took me. I was prepared to die. I was going to die. If it had been me, Instructor Rean wouldn't have—"
Juna shook her head wildly. "That's not true, Allie! You mean every bit as much to Instructor Rean as Millium did. I know you do!"
"Instructor Rean doesn't matter in the long run," Kurt added. "His Highness—and everyone else—" He took a deep breath. "They were prepared to release the miasma. It didn't have to be him. The prince could have done it, the chancellor could have done it, I'm sure even the Black Demise could have done it."
Altina stared at the untouched pumpkin-spice pancakes Emma had made for her. "But Millium had so many more people who cared about her. Not just Instructor Rean, but the rest of the old Class VII, Claire, and Lechter. Millium's death made more people sad than mine would have."
It was Millium's room she was staying in, she knew. It probably looked nothing like it had when she was a student, but she had seen the look in Rean's eyes when he had finally come to visit her—the way they had darted to various points in the room before settling on Altina's face. He had been cheerful, of course, in that same unsettling way as everyone else.
"I know none of you want to blame me." She took a small bite of pancake so they wouldn't worry. "But it is a fact that if I had been the one, Millium would still be alive."
Her classmates said nothing, but Juna sniffled loudly, and Kurt stared at his lap with a defeated expression.
Three sharp, steady knocks sounded at the door. It wasn't Musse's knock, or Rean's. Kurt walked to the door and opened it.
As soon as Altina saw Jusis Albarea's face, she looked down at her meal and began to eat. She barely tasted it, but anything was better than having to look at Millium's favorite person.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Jusis approach her and sit in the chair at the head of her bed. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I've been selfish. I should have come to see you earlier."
Despite Jusis' regular complaints about Millium's behavior, Altina knew he had cared about her as much as Rean and the others did—maybe even more than they did. It had probably been him wailing that one night, about ten days ago.
What was he doing here? The most likely possibility was that he wanted to console her about Millium. The least likely possibility was that he was here to blame her for Millium's death.
How strange that she almost wished he would blame her.
Altina began to cough from having shoveled too much food into her mouth at once.
"Careful." Jusis patted her on the back. "You're going to make yourself sick. And that's not something that anyone wants. Including you. Right?"
"Y-yes." She hadn't expected him to be so…nice. "I'm sorry." She took another bite, forcing herself to chew slowly. This was not good. He shouldn't be sitting so close to her. "I…" She swallowed. "I do not know what to say to you. Instructor Rean is the one you should be comforting."
"Altina, you lost a sister. You—"
"We were not sisters." Finally, she was finished. She set the plate on the bedside table. "Despite what Millium may have told you, all the effort to forge a sisterly bond came from Millium. I was cold and unkind to her. I disliked the nicknames she gave Claiomh Solais and myself. I didn't understand why she was so irregular."
She looked past him to see Juna wiping away tears. It seemed that, even now, she was making things worse for everyone.
Jusis sighed. "I understand," he said slowly. "I wish I had acted more warmly toward her as well. But she knew how you felt. And so do I. I heard plenty of stories from Rean. I know you cared about her in your own way."
"The two of you were close."
"Yes, we were. So close, in fact, that I know there's nothing you, I, or Rean could have done to stop her. I could never blame you for what she decided to do. You know how stubborn she was."
She looked up at him. "I did not say I blamed myself for her death. How did you know?"
He smiled at her, but the look in his eyes betrayed the sorrow Altina knew he must be feeling. "Because this is normal when you lose someone you love. You try to make sense of it—take back the control you lost when it happened. The pain that comes from thinking of things you could have done feels less cruel than a world where good people can be taken from you long before their time."
Had she loved Millium? Was that where this feeling of responsibility had come from? "I don't understand how love works. But Millium seemed to know. She always talked about how much she loved her friends, Claire and Lechter, her classmates, and you and Rean most of all—and me." The tight feeling in her chest intensified, and her breathing seemed to require more effort than normal. "Why? Just because she thought of me as a sister?"
"Not just because of that. Familial bonds can be strong, but—" His eyes narrowed for a moment, as though he had remembered something unpleasant. "No. That wasn't all. That's just how Millium was. Cheerful, excitable, wanting to be everyone's friend. But it's true that her feelings for you were special. You were the only one she knew who had the same sort of history. You could empathize with her in a way that none of us could."
"But…we really were different." Altina looked away, not liking the sympathy Jusis projected with his voice and body language. "Millium had all these emotions that I don't-She was more human than I am."
She heard a sound coming from Kurt's direction, and she looked over to see his eyes wide and his mouth open, as though her words had startled him.
Juna tilted her head. "Kurt?"
"Excuse me." Kurt stood. "I just remembered something I need to do."
"Kurt, wait—"
Kurt left the room, followed by Juna.
It was probably for the better that they were gone, Altina thought, since it was clear that she was upsetting them. She hung her head.
"Altina, look at me." Jusis' voice was soft but firm.
Reluctantly, she did as he said.
"Emotions don't come easily to everyone," Jusis said. "Both Millium and I had difficulty expressing the way we felt. From the time my mother died, I was raised with certain expectations, and was taught to suppress my emotions. I felt like I had to be strong all the time, and I thought that showing fear or sorrow was a sign of weakness. Millium, on the other hand, was capable of cheerfulness and playfulness, but she had never cried. She had suppressed any hint of sadness to the point where she didn't even realize she was capable of such a feeling."
"I…have never cried, either." Millium had told Altina about the first time she had cried, but not about Jusis.
"But you're sad now. Aren't you?"
"I am sad." It felt strange to say out loud. "It feels like I can't breathe." She didn't want to say the words that were coming next, but she needed to know. "Jusis, isn't it true that if I had died before Millium could do anything, she would still be alive?"
For a moment, Jusis was silent, and Altina wondered if she had offended him. Would he leave now?
But instead, Jusis took her hands in his. "Again, Altina, it's normal to think such things. And I won't lie to you. Maybe she would still be alive. But maybe not. We're not granted the knowledge of what would have happened if things were different. All we can do is try our best in this moment, under these circumstances. We're all glad you're alive, Altina. You're a member of Class VII, just like Millium. And even if you were not, you would still be someone who is very important to us. I would not trade your life for Millium's, and neither would Rean."
Her breathing was becoming easier again. "Logically, I know it's not my fault. Like you said, Millium is—was stubborn. But I still…I wish it had been me."
"It does feel harder to be left behind, doesn't it?" Jusis patted her on the head and gave her a gentle smile. "Rean was right, you know. You are a nice girl."
"…Thank you." It was a little embarrassing, but the unexpected gesture of affection made her feel a little less sad. "I'm glad you came to visit, Jusis. I think I understand better what Millium saw in you."
Jusis quickly removed his hand from Altina's head, and his body seemed to shrink. "That's enough," he grumbled. "Trust me, I get plenty of that from Rean and Machias. She just liked to mess with me, that's all."
And now, she understood why Millium had teased him so often.
"…Anyway." Jusis stood and picked up Altina's plate and silverware. "I'll take care of these. I know you've been through a lot, but it might be good to get out of this room. Why don't you join the rest of us for supper tonight? I'm sure everyone would be happy to see you."
Altina nodded. "I will."
"Oh, I almost forgot." Jusis reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny framed picture, small enough to fit in Altina's hand. "I think Millium would have wanted you to have this."
It was a cheaply-printed photo of herself and Millium. She wore a slightly exasperated expression (although everyone else would probably say she had no expression at all), while Millium had a big, goofy grin on her face. Only part of Millium's right arm was visible because she had taken the picture herself with her old ARCUS. Millium's left arm was around Altina's shoulders. "I remember this picture. Millium called it a 'selfie.'" She smiled in spite of herself. "I only agreed to it so she would leave me alone."
"She made the frame herself," said Jusis.
"I can see that." It had been glued together—poorly. In the bottom-right corner were the words "With Tilly ❤," in smudged purple ink.
"When she showed it to me…" Jusis looked away, as if to hide an embarrassing expression. "…she told me it was her most treasured possession."
"Oh."
No more words were exchanged as Jusis left the room and quietly closed the door.
She looked at the picture for several minutes. Eventually, Millium's face grew blurry, and a drop of water fell to the writing in the corner, making a bit of the ink run.
Altina closed her eyes.