A/N Part One: Fair warning, graphic depictions of sex in this chapter.

I tossed and turned on the cot, sleep wouldn't come, and the pain in my back from sitting up for most of the night didn't cover half the reason.

What the hell had that dream been?

It had felt so real, so wonderful, and left me with more questions than answers. So I laid there for hours, staring at the ceiling, trying to sort myself out.

The sun was starting to set when someone knocked gently.

"Come in."

I was already speaking more Russian than English.

The door opened slowly, and Sofiya… shit, Balalaika, walked in unsteadily. Her blonde hair barely held back by a single hair tie, dressed in the striped shirt that was emblematic of the Russian military, fatigue pants, and a pair of heavy boots. She smiled weakly, leaning against the door.

"Zack."

I swung my legs off the bed, sitting up, "Hey Boss, how, um…" I got distracted by her eyes for a beat before shaking it off, "how's the head?"

She smiled, "Sore, but I've had worse. How are you?"

I rolled my palm over, showing her the burns from the muffler and pointing at my still busted eyebrow, "Likewise…I'll live."

Her eyes narrowed, "Why haven't you been treated? Those burns look bad."

I waved her off, "Nothing major; I'll wrap them in a bit. Listen, I have to ask…" I sighed, "I'm a little fuzzy on the details; after we got here last night, what happened?"

She looked away for a moment, and my heart started to pound a little.

"I do remember some of it. You stitched me up and went to check on the Sergeant; when you came back to my room, you sat down and passed out. After your actions, the ambush, it wasn't surprising. I was concerned, so I stayed awake as long as I could, but the night took its toll."

It really had been a dream; my combat addled mind must've shut down once I knew everyone was okay. I couldn't tell if I was relieved or not; the sharp pain in my chest refused to abate.

Her blue eyes tracked to mine, "I won't forget what you did for the Sergeant and I."

I dropped my gaze, staring at the floor; looking at her was a chore.

So it's gonna be like that for me? Great.

"I wasn't the only one there."

The mattress sagged as she sat next to me, hissing as her broken ribs shifted. I leaned away from her ever so slightly, desperate to keep some distance between us.

"I know… Just accept it, damnit."

I chuckled, "Okay, boss."

A soft hand landed on my shoulder.

I stopped breathing.

"Good, get yourself cleaned up."

I nodded, "Do we know who was behind last night."

She shook her head, and I was painfully aware that her hand was still on my shoulder.

Her voice took on a deadly edge, "No, but we'll find out… and when we do…"

"We burn 'em down." I finished.

Her hand squeezed my shoulder, a tingling warmth spreading from where her fingers dug in gently. When she stood, the absence of her touch had my hand twitching, wanting to reach for her.

"Um, Boss?"

I had to get out of there.

"I know it might not be the best time, but I need a drink if you don't need me…"

She shook her head, "No, I don't. But be careful."

I nodded, standing, "Head on a swivel boss, call me if you need me." I went to brush past her, and she grabbed my arm, sending shockwaves through me.

"Zack…are you alright?"

"I'm okay, Boss, just still coming down from it all."

Please let me go before I do…something.

Her hand fell away, and she gave me a small smile, "It happens to the best of us; enjoy your night.

I nodded and walked out, not trusting myself to say anything else.

Guards nodded my way as I crossed the lobby; I returned them, numbing out a little.

That dream had been so much more than a dream; that had been life coming back. Something I thought I would never feel again had ignited into a raging inferno with Balalaika squarely at the center.

And man, did I want to burn.

I hooked into the room we'd slept in, sitting down on the bed and pawing through my aid bag. I threw some burn cream on my hand and wrapped it slowly, trying to shake off whatever the hell was going on with me, but if I squinted, I already knew what this was… I finished up and used a signaling mirror to check my eyebrow; the split was clean and scabbed over already; I'd let it heal. I pushed myself off the bed heading back out.

Boris leaned on the wall, talking to a guard when I walked up; I recognized Yuri. He'd taken a knife to the chest a few months back, that had been a long exhausting night, but he'd healed up well. I gave him a smile that he returned before hustling off.

"Hey, Boris."

"Hello, Zack, leaving?"

I nodded, "Yeah, need to get out for a bit."

"Be careful; call if you need anything."

"I will."

The light stung a little as I headed for My BMW, catching sight of our Suburban from last night; bullet holes marred the outer skin, the windows were destroyed, cratered, and pitted from shrapnel and bullets.

It was amazing any of us had made it out alive.

I slipped behind the wheel, lighting a smoke as I pulled out of the gate.

My phone chirped, and it occurred to me that I hadn't checked it since last night.

Missed calls and texts from Eda glared up at me.

I hooked into the Bluetooth and called her back.

"Zack?"

"Hi, Eda."

"Jesus Christ… are you okay?"

"Bumps and bruises, but I'm in one piece."

"Where are you?"

"I'm heading to get a drink. Meet me at the 'Flag?"

"I'm on my way."

I pulled up across the street from the renovated bar; she still had some scars, but Bao was serving again, so who gave a shit about aesthetics.

My pants were rumpled, my shirt likewise, I was bandaged and bruised in a few spots, but I couldn't care less as I crossed the street, pushing the door open and barely waving to Bao.

My therapist called it "Compartmentalizing" I'd shoved everything since the night they died into a box. The Balalaika in my dream, the one I'd spilled my guts to, the one that had stoked that fire in me again…

She'd wrapped Semtex around that box and blown it in place. I was comfortable, but once I'd felt that attraction, the dam broke. Terrible life had been breathed back in, and it was killing me. It was like being in the dark, you got used to the absence of light after too long, and when someone flipped the switch, it hurt, seeing a world you didn't know you needed, it's sudden presence reminding you just how much you'd missed it.

I slid onto a stool, "Whiskey, please."

Bao grabbed a bottle and a clean-ish glass, "You look like hell."

"I feel like hell; what else is new?"

He chuckled, filling the glass, "Not much, not in Roanapur.

I lifted the glass, spilling a little bit, but I slugged the whole tumbler in one go, tapping it on the bar, "Keep 'em coming."

"You want me to leave the bottle?"

I slid a fifty across the bar, "Yeah."

"Just don't puke on my floor."

I chuckled weakly, "You got it, Bao."

I snagged the bottle and headed for a table in the corner, the place was dead, so I had my pick. I poured and drank, rinse and repeat until the doors opened and Eda blew in off the street. She started my way, slowing a bit when she saw the mostly empty bottle.

"Hey Cowboy, got started early, huh?"

I nodded, smiling now that the pain was gone, "Hi Edith."

Her nose crinkled cutely, "Ugh, how drunk are you?"

I held my arms out to her, "Gloriously." She'd stepped inside my range, the fool. I grabbed her and pulled her into my lap as she windmilled a little, "Hi."

"Zack, you look like shit."

"I feel like shit! Isn't it great?"

She eyed me warily, "What's going on, Briggs?"

"I had a terrible night, got shot at a bunch, but that wasn't the worst part."

She grabbed my face, concern written all over her face, "What happened?"

"I had a dream, a good one, and it just kicked open the door to alllll of this shit. I can't look the Russian in the eye now…" I swayed a little, "But s'kinda all I want to do."

Hurt and confusion flashed across her face as she pushed her way out of my lap and back to her feet, and even in my plastered state, I caught it.

"S'wrong Eda?"

"Zack, what are you talking about."

I took a deep breath, trying to organize my thoughts through the whiskey haze.

"I treated her, she was hurt, I must've passed out. I had a dream we were…together… it fucked me up because I actually felt something for the first time in years. It was so good, and then I started feeling things that weren't so good. So here I am."

Something screamed at me to shut up, but the damage was done.

The numbness was going away, a deep hole replacing it.

And I went hurtling into the dark.

"You were wrong, Eda, when you said I'd never thought about killing myself, Fuck… I think about it every day. Maybe I should… save everyone the trouble. I hurt you twice a week, even though you were the only thing holding me together for a long time… joined the fucking Russian Mob, I don't even know who I am anymore. I should just…"

I dropped my hand to the small of my back where my Glock rested, my fingers curled around the grip, and I slipped it out of the holster, resolve flooding me.

I was broken, gone, and I didn't care anymore. Every man has their limit, and I hit mine right there. It wasn't about Balalaika anymore; it wasn't even about my family.

I was just…done.

My gun cleared the table, and my chair flipped; I landed on the floor, hearing the Glock go skittering off into a corner somewhere. A hand grabbed my shirt, lifting me ever so slightly before a fist cracked across my jaw, the back of my head collided with the hardwood, knocking me stupid. But the pain chased away the liquor for a moment.

I picked my marbles up slowly, my swimming vision resolving into Eda standing over me; her shades were gone, tears leaked from her blue eyes, her mouth was twisted into a snarl of rage and horror.

"Just what the fuck are you doing?" She seethed, dropping into a crouch and grabbing a handful of my hair, "You don't get to check out on me, you fucker. GET. UP."

She dragged me off the floor by my hair; I yelped a little as she pulled me to my feet. I was waiting on another hit, but she pulled me in and kissed me instead; her lips tasted wonderful, salty from her tears, sweet from whatever vaguely pineapple flavored lip gloss she used.

The lights came back on.

She bit my lip hard enough to draw blood as she pulled away.

"Better?" She growled.

I nodded weakly. "Yeah,…fuckin'…never been that bad before."

"Yeah, right… Sao Paulo, ring a bell?"

I winced, "Fair… I'm sorry, Eda."

She'd had to physically stop me from taking a flying leap off a building, not something I remembered fondly.

She shoved me into a chair and slugged what was left in my glass, taking the seat across from me, fire in her eyes.

"Now that you're over your little fucking tantrum, tell me what really happened. No fucking bullshit, Briggs."

"I might've been concussed a little, had a dream that knocked the support out from under years of unresolved baggage, it sent me into a fucking tailspin. I came here to drink and maybe spray my brains all over the bathroom."

"Not my fucking bathroom; I just had it repainted!"

I waved at the bar, "We're figuring it out, Bao."

"So you had a sex dream about the Russian? What happened to your monk bit?" Ed asked bitterly.

"That's the thing, she's a good-looking woman, but it never crossed my mind before. Angie and…"

She cut me off, her eyes flinty.

"Oh, Christ… Briggs…Listen. I'm your friend, okay? But I've had it up to my fucking ass with you using them as an excuse to stay hidden from the world."

For once, I was entirely speechless, "I…wha-"

"Just shut the fuck up and listen. Your family is gone; there isn't shit anyone can do about it. It's horrible, beyond horrible even; I don't know if I could carry what you've been forced to bear all these years. But it's time to rejoin the land of the goddamn living. I want you to think, really think, about what they'd say if they could see you like this, closed off and hurting. You're not celibate because something broke, you're not alone because you saw them die, you've seen so much death since then. All their deaths accomplished was make you afraid to get close to anyone."

She sighed, running a hand through her hair.

"Listen, you need to move on, I know you never get over something like that, but you can't stay stuck there like you are. I can't be your friend and watch you sink any lower. You're a goddamn warrior; act like it. That's how you honor their memories and make them proud, not whatever this is." She waved a hand at me, but her eyes were pleading.

I hated her for being right.

It hit me like a freight train, all the self-loathing, self-pitying shit I'd done over the years. What would they say?

Mom would've slapped my shit, Jen likewise.

I'd lost the plot; I thought it was falling in with the Russians, skewing my moral compass, and succumbing to the darker side… but the problem was me all along…. I'd forgotten how to fight since they died; I never saw the point anymore…But the point was in every person I saved or tried to save, in every cigarette and glass of whiskey, in every bullet that whizzed past my head, leaving me breathless with the electricity of it. The point was to live, to be alive and experience the world and all it had to offer; I'd had it when through every round of chemo, every spinal tap, every time the doctors told us nothing was working.

My mind raced, one immutable truth rising to the surface again and again.

I'd confused existence with life… for ten long years.

No more.

I could feel my family around me, that warmth and love that I'd forced myself to stay away from for fear of losing it came rushing in, and I let it. Tears didn't fall; I didn't lose my shit… I took a deep breath and wrapped my revelation around me like a suit of armor.

It hurt, but it was alright…

I'd been staring at the table; now I dragged my gaze up to meet Eda's, a grin working its way across my face.

It all clicked…and just like that, I was fucking back.

Her eyes softened even as she smiled dangerously, "There's my boy."

I gently pushed my chair back, rising and heading for the corner, scooping my gun off the floor, sliding it into the holster with a click.

Eda's eyes followed me there and back, I don't know if it was the whiskey or the life flooding through me, but I moved around the table and grabbed a fistful of her hair, kissing her with everything I had; she stiffened for a beat before leaning in, my tongue invaded her mouth as she moaned and melted under my touch.

I broke the kiss, staring into her eyes, "It's not right or fair, but it's been years coming." I let it hang, asking the question with a look.

Her dazed look turned white-hot in a flash as she panted, "Fuck wrong or right, fair or not. There's a hotel right across the street."

She grabbed my hand, and we ran for the door.

The door to our hastily rented room damn near splintered as we crashed through it; Eda's tongue was in my mouth, her hands tearing at my clothes. I picked her up, my fingers sinking into her ass as she wrapped her legs around my waist, we collided with the wall, and she moaned, grabbing handfuls of my shirt and ripping it open, scattering buttons into the ether.

I broke the kiss and nipped at her earlobe, tugging the soft flesh between my teeth; her hands dragged up my back, fisting in my hair.

"You remember where everything goes?" She whispered breathily, a teasing look in her eyes.

I growled, turning and tossing her onto the bed; the bounce when she landed did amazing things to her body.

I shed my shirt and worked on my belt as I stalked toward her, a decade of celibacy and repression firing in my blood. Her eyes carried that same sultry edge, but this time it made my heart pound; she beckoned me wordlessly, shimmying out of her shorts and pulling her top over her head as I advanced, revealing her body in all its glory and stealing my breath with it. I dropped my slacks on the floor and climbed onto the bed, recapturing her lips with a passion I'd thought lost to time and pain.

I kissed her hard and deep, pinning her to the bed; I'd never wanted anything more than I wanted her at that moment. I kissed my way down her neck, feasting on her collarbone; her gasping moans spurred me on. Lower and lower I moved, planting kisses on her breasts, pausing to pull a perfect nipple into my mouth, my blood fired at her whimpering, and I continued my journey, licking the sheen of sweat from her tight stomach.

Her breathing hitched as she watched me with wide eyes.

She was gonna learn today.

I spread her thighs and marveled at her beauty. She was soaked; the clear liquid streaming from her slightly puffy snatch made my mouth water. I kissed the inside of her thigh, drawing a soft whimper out of her, working my way up to the main event; she shook deliciously when my tongue made contact with her folds.

She tasted like honey and something else...something smoky and sinful.

I dove in like a man dying of thirst.

"Oh... Zack!"

I slid my tongue up her slit, brushing her clit gently before sucking it into my mouth and lashing my tongue against her.

It was hard to think; the taste and the smell of her invaded my senses and washed them away. Her back arched, and her hands fisted in my hair, locking those silky thighs around my head and muffling an outside world that didn't exist for me, not now.

I licked and sucked at her; moans and soft screams provided the soundtrack to the favor I was finally able to return. She tried to rise, but I held her there, eating her out without mercy. My face was soaked in her juices, but I kept on, forcing her through an orgasm and out the other side, screaming my name the whole way.

Her legs hooked over my shoulders and pulled, grinding her perfect pussy against my tongue; her cum, hot, sweet, and thick, washed into my mouth and over my chin; I drank it down greedily, savoring the taste of her.

She collapsed against the pillows, sweat rolling off of her in rivulets. I crawled up and over her, nudging her legs wider, settling my rock hard cock right against her well-worked slit. She grabbed my face and kissed me, licking her own juices off my lips and invading my mouth with her tongue.

She broke the kiss, her eyes smoky and unfocused, rolling her hips against me. She moaned, grinding her slick pussy over my cock, sending shivers down my spine. I panted, lining up and sinking all the way to the hilt in one smooth motion. Eda's eyes rolled back in her head; I'm sure I wasn't much better as pleasure exploded through me.

"Take me." She moaned, "Hurry… please!"

There was nothing gentle or loving about the way I obliged her; our hips met with a smack; I pulled back and slammed into her over and over again; Eda's eyes rolled in her head as she moaned.

"Yes! Aahnn! Oh... YES!"

She was soaked and so tight that it made it hard to focus; I growled deep in my chest, increasing my pace.

"MORE! FUCK ME!"

I kissed her hard enough to draw blood; she moaned into my mouth as I rolled in and out of her. I pressed my forehead to hers, holding eye contact and trying to burn this moment into my memory.

How close was I to never feeling this again?

Her nails dug into my shoulders, the heat from her body pressed against mine intensified as she rolled her hips to meet my thrusts. I pulled out and flipped her over; she crossed her ankles and stuck her ass in the air, gasping as I slid back inside her burning snatch and began to fuck her through the mattress, pounding into her with wild abandon, tracing my hands over her curves.

The way her ass bounced with each thrust and she writhed under my touch made me lightheaded with the beauty and raw carnality of it. I captured her hands, pinning them above her head and intertwining our fingers.

I growled and sank my teeth into her shoulder, her movements stuttered, and she screamed into the mattress, her beautifully tight pussy clenching around me as she came. I was lost to it….growling as I dominated her, she inflamed something inside me, and it roared in my ears as I fucked her senseless; she threw a look back at me, biting her lip, eyes rolling in her head.

I felt the tension building inside me…ten years worth.

"Eda… baby, I'm close."

Her eyes snapped to mine over her shoulder, "Give it to me…mmm, you hear me, cowboy? If you pull out, I swear to god we're not friends anymore. Oh FUCK, that's so fucking good!" She moaned, slamming her hips back into mine in an explosion of pleasure that bordered on pain, "Cum inside meeeaaaaahhnnn!."

Her pussy clamped down on my cock so hard it was almost painful; pleasure overwhelmed me and threw me off the edge.

"Oh, FUCK!" I shouted as the walls came crashing down, my movements stuttering as I unloaded everything deep inside her, her weak moans spurring me on.

What seemed like an eternity later, my muscles failed spectacularly, and I collapsed, rolling off to her side. Sweat rolled off of me, but when Eda kissed me, wrapping her arms around my neck, I didn't resist, reciprocating as we shook and shuddered through the afterglow of the best sex I'd ever had.

"Jesus fucking Christ…" She whispered into my neck, "Worth the wait."

"Amen," I agreed, gently kissing her cheek, "Fuck…"

"Hmm?"

"My smokes are all the way over there."

I gently untangled myself from her arms, the last goddamn thing I wanted to do, scooping up my slacks, digging out the pack and my lighter, crawling back beside her and lighting two, passing her one.

"Eda…that was…"

"Amazing?" She offered, smiling softly at me through a curtain of blonde hair.

I chuckled, reaching over to brush out of her eyes.

"There, ya go, the "freshly fucked" special."

She settled into the pillows, smiling from ear to ear, "With ALL of the benefits…'bout fucking time too…"

I rolled off the bed and flipped on the ancient air conditioner before hopping under the thin blankets, throwing them over us both; Eda cuddled into my side, sighing happily.

We laid there for a long time until the sun slid below the horizon. I was trying to figure out the number of the bus that had hit me. Eda had dropped my walls in one blow, and I couldn't find it in me to care as I traced circles on her shoulder with my free hand. She yawned, and I smiled, pulling her in tighter as my own exhaustion overtook me.

For the first time in years, no faces waited for me in the dark.

I woke softly, smoothly; early morning sunlight streamed in through the window.

Eda was gone.

Panic gripped me for a second before the door opened, and in she breezed, two plates loaded with breakfast, smiling brilliantly when she saw me.

"Hey, good lookin'."

"Hey," I smiled, "Thought you pulled a Bang n' Hang."

"Fuck n' Chuck?" She offered.

"Jizz n' Jet?"

"Blow your load and hit the road?"

I snorted, "Glad you came back."

She passed me a dish and a can of Coke from one of her pockets, and we dug in; the food was passable, not the worst thing I'd eaten but a damn sight. Eda was staring into her plate, pushing around some slightly burned bacon.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

She looked up, smiling, but there was something in her eyes that I didn't like, her brow was furrowed, she looked…troubled, the one-eighty surprised me, I thought she'd still be up here on cloud nine with me.

"I…I don't think we should do this again for a little while."

I almost couldn't respond, "Why? I mean, I…that was amazing," insecurity crept up, "Was it not for you-"

A finger on my lips shut me up, "Don't, it was so good I'm not going to walk straight for a couple of days, you were…wonderful, and I've waited years for this moment. But you just popped the cork on a lot of trauma; I want you to have your head on straight. You've got some unresolved issues with the Russian; you need to fix that. If you still want to do this," She wiggled a finger between the two of us, "you know I'll be here, but I'm not about to lock you down when you've just gotten back on your feet, only to have you realize you'd rather have someone else. That's something I couldn't take."

I felt a little hurt, something about what she said rang true, but anger won out, "Why the fuck did we do this if you were just planning to cut me loose?"

"Because we both needed it, deserved it even. And I'm not cutting you loose," She set her plate down and kissed me, "I'm letting you find your own way. If it's back to me, then great; if it's someone else, then I'll have your back like I have since the day we met. So once we leave this room, it's over for now… okay?"

She smiled, and there was no sadness in her eyes for the first time in forever.

I stared at her for a long moment, "I don't fucking deserve you, Eda."

"I know, but you've got me anyway."

I slid off the bed, checking my phone and searching for my pants while she watched me.

"Zack?"

"Hmm?"

"What are you doing?"

I snatched up my pants, "Getting dressed…" She raised an eyebrow," Right?…"

"Oh no, you misunderstood me," She pulled her shirt off, her tits bouncing free, her shorts followed, she spread her legs wide… and my slacks slipped from my hand to pool on the floor. "I said once we leave this room, it's over…I paid us up through tonight. You've got some work to do, mister."

I broke speed records getting back to her, pealing laughter beckoning me all the way.

A few hours and some very acrobatic activities later, we walked out onto the street; my shredded overshirt slung over my shoulder, Eda's arm hooked through mine, we giggled like teenagers as we walked to my car. I felt like a new man, but really, I'd rediscovered something beautiful, and the amazing woman at my side had been the catalyst of it all.

Eda's hand slipped down, and she intertwined her fingers with mine,

"Couldn't help myself."

I squeezed her hand, "I made you wait long enough; you sure you're okay?"

She nodded, "Like I said, we both needed it, years and years of tension and all that. You go figure your shit out and get back to me, okay?"

I slid a hand through her hair and kissed her, pushing her up against my BMW. She pulled away after a happy hum.

"Easy cowboy, you keep this up, and a girl's gonna get ideas."

I pulled her in tight, "You just keep saving me from myself. Don't know what I'd do without you."

She buried her face in my neck, "And you'll never have to find out, no matter what happens."

We stood there for a long moment until my phone vibrated.

"Duty calls." She whispered, "I'll keep an ear to the ground; see if I can't find out who's making moves."

"Want a ride?"

She shook her head against my shoulder, "Got a cab coming. Go."

I nodded and let her go, pulling out my phone; a text from Alexei glared up at me.

Meeting at HQ. Two Hours.

I tapped one back as Eda's ride pulled up.

I'll be there.

I slipped my phone back into my pocket; Eda was still watching me; she smiled, stepping back into my embrace.

"Be safe, Briggs."

"You too, Blackwater."

I let her go, and she walked to the cab, waving as she slid into the back. I lifted my hand slightly, watching her go. Once she was out of sight, I leaned on the Beemer, lighting a smoke and staring out at the bay, new life flowing through me. I felt like I could do anything. Dave had been right; I was never much of a believer…But the irony of a fake nun being the one to bring me back wasn't lost one me by a long shot.

I felt the laughter bubble up inside me, turning into a full-blown cackle as I climbed into the rig, firing her up and heading for Hathai's place.

Gotta look good for the boss.

A/N Part II… The Reckoning: Sometimes, we all need something; Zack and Eda needed to work it out (athletically). Onward to the issues!

So I got called out last chapter, and I feel the need to address it.

Balalaika is a hard motherfucker, always has been, always will be; a solitary tear does not a pussy make. Fun fact about me, I am a two-time cancer survivor; I've been shot (That sucked… 0/10 would not recommend). Near-death experiences affect people differently; you never know how that'll be until you're at the wire.

So in summation, Balalaika had a concussion (which by definition alters mental state.), and the humanity of the moment didn't turn her into a "Damsel in Distress." I urge anyone who took exception to look up extreme stress responses, and you'll find a whole host of stories about people acting contrary to their nature when the shit hits the fan.

Ultimately, this is as real of a story about people and their imperfections as I could write about a group of fictional characters; there will be human reactions.

That's my intention, at least.

Until next time!