A/N: This is probably the longest break I've ever had since I started writing about Molly and CJ and I know it's a very long chapter, but as I said it's been a while and I really wanted to get back into writing about life at the Barn … I hope you'll enjoy being back there and as usual enormous thanks go to Flossy for being such an invaluable support and also for stopping me making any glaring continuity errors, she'll know what I'm talking about.

-OG-

"Stop it"

"Stop what?"

"You know what, stop looking at me like that …"

"What … I'm not allowed to look at you now? Come on Dawsey"

"'n stop calling me that 'n all … just … just pack it in, will you?"

"Hey …" He put his hands up as if he was defending himself "Alright … alright, okay … sorry … I was just trying to … never mind … listen … are you listening to me? You know you're going to be fine … okay? … just trust me, it's all going to be absolutely fine … you'll see"

"Oh is it? Oh good … we can go 'ome now then …" Molly made as if to stand up before she sat down again with a thump and a huge sigh "Sorry if I'm pissing you off, but I didn't ask you to come, did I? It was you wanted to … I'd of been alright on me own" She knew she was being thoroughly unreasonable and that it wasn't actually helping, especially as he was only trying to help, but she couldn't seem to stop lashing out at him even if it was making her feel guilty at the same time. Okay, he was being a dick but none of it was his fault.

"When exactly was it you got your medical degree? You're gonna 'ave to remind me again … I seem to 'ave forgot"

"Okay, fair enough … Hey, come on … this is not like you …" He was doing his best to laugh, but even to his ears it sounded fake and strained and as there was nothing amusing as he slung his arm round her shoulders and dropped a kiss on top of her head "Hey … doesn't matter, I'll forgive you just this once … as long as you don't make a habit of it"

"Forgive me for what? That's bloody big of you..." Molly could hear Chloe at her most petulant coming out of her own mouth and tried to put the brakes on and to force her lips into a convincingly reassuring smile. It wasn't helping her being bloody impossible to please but she was far too twitchy to worry about being cheerful and optimistic for anyone else. Especially as his seemingly irritating unlimited patience was getting on her bloody nerves. It was making her want to scream.

"Just don't … alright? Stop … stop bloody trying to make it all better … you can't, and … there's nothing funny so stop trying to make me laugh 'n all, I'll pee meself if I do…"

Molly wasn't surprised at having to wait, she'd never yet been seen on time for any hospital appointment and had always thought they gave you a time more as an optimistic estimate than anything else. Especially when you're booked for a scan and this time they'd been 'slotted in' so fuck knows how long they were going to have to wait. She'd been sort of resigned to it until they'd checked in and found the usually crowded waiting area was virtually empty. Just for once she'd been really hopeful she wasn't going to have to sit there for ages busting for the loo, especially as she'd done as she was told and drunk what felt like half the bloody Thames. She was now desperately longing for them to just get on with it, although admittedly the longer the wait the more time she had before she had to face whatever it was waiting for her. Charles was obviously expecting her usual 'It's all good, I'm fine, don't worry about me' act, well why wouldn't he? It was what she did, but not this time when she didn't feel even the tiniest bit brave, couldn't even fake it. And now all the initial optimism about being seen quickly had faded away as well, leaving her wishing more than anything that she could escape. She wanted to go home and go to bed and pull the duvet over her head and pretend that none of it was happening.

There'd been just a couple of women waiting when they'd got there, which was a bit of a miracle in itself because every other time she'd been it had been jam packed to the bloody rafters. But that was already a very long twenty minutes ago and nothing was bloody happening, so it was starting to look as though only one of them was working. And that she'd gone for a tea break or something.

"You can go if you want … you really don't need to wait 'ere with me, I'll be fine on me own … go and get a coffee and a paper or… something, there's that place by where we came in … l'll come and find you after … when I've been to the bloody loo"

"I'm not going anywhere … I've already told you I'm not going to let you out of my sight so you're just going to have to put up with me, aren't you? Now stop thinking about needing a wee and think about something else"

"Bloody easy for you to say …"

"I know …" He gave a little shake of his head and snorted a laugh. Charles was infinitely glad she couldn't see the extent of the anxiety gnawing away at him in the pit of his stomach. The icy cold hand of dread had been clutching at him ever since she'd told him that their GP wanted her to go for a scan. ASAP. All his years in the army meant he was supposed to be good at confronting problems, at dealing with them and controlling outcomes, was supposed to be brave for fuck sake, but now couldn't remember the last time he'd felt anything like this level of sheer bloody fear. It wasn't that he was a stranger to worrying about her, Molly had been scaring the living shit out of him ever since he'd first met her, but this? This was something else entirely. And was way out of their control. But he was determined not to let her see how downright bloody scared he was.

"Hey … lucky me … I've got a lovely chat with Rebecca to look forward to later … I can't wait to hear how totally thrilled she's going to be with Sammie's news, our son doing a catering apprenticeship is exactly the sort of thing she had in mind for him when he left school …." He laughed and nudged Molly who was finding it increasingly difficult to stop doing what Nan called bodging about. It would have earned her a slap and an accusation of having ants in her pants, but she was desperately trying to get comfortable on the hard plastic chair. Not only did she badly need a pee but her knickers had somehow got themselves wedged up her bum which was adding significantly to the discomfort.

"Don't let her talk to him then, will you? He's worked up enough already and just cos Lady Penelope don't think it's something to hang the bloody flags out over don't mean she's right, it's what Sam wants 'n that's all that matters, innit? …I really hope he's gonna be okay, I mean I'm sure he'll be fine as long as he don't start telling them how he's bloody rubbish at everything … 'ere, you don't think they might have forgot about me, do you?"

"No, I'm sure they haven't … it won't be much longer … there you go …"

"Molly James"

The receptionist who had been whispering in a huddle with her mates broke off to call Molly in a surprisingly loud voice bearing in mind the place was almost empty. Hearing her name suddenly being bellowed in a place that was cathedral quiet made Molly jump and then feel she should say sorry for queue jumping to the two girls still sitting there patiently waiting. It had got nothing to do with her, she knew that, but that didn't stop her feeling like telling them she didn't mind if one or other or even both of them went in front of her.

"It's alright … you can wait 'ere …"

"Molly …"

"Okay, okay …I know …"

It was alright for him getting all shitty, his legs probably didn't feel like they were made of jelly and he wasn't shaking so much he needed to take a couple of seconds and a deep breath before he could even stand up. It was hard to simply remember how to put one foot in front of the other which was bloody ridiculous, she'd been doing it all her life, but she didn't usually have to try really hard not to wet herself. His hand on the small of her back was urging her to keep following the girl in a white coat, or maybe it was making sure she didn't escape, but she felt like she was in the middle of the sort of dream you can't wake up from. But despite feeling like she was going to throw up any second, she managed to do as she was told and get up on the bed like some bleeding robot. She couldn't remember ever being so horribly bloody scared before, except for maybe when she'd been in a ditch in Afghan and some bastard sniper had been trying to kill her, but now, like then, it was far too late for her to get away from it. Charles parked his bum on the chair next to her and stretched his long legs out in front of him, doing his level best to look all unconcerned. He leaned over and put a comforting hand on her arm and she was suddenly glad he'd taken no bloody notice of her when she told him to go, it would have been even more shit on her own. He'd got his usual blank expression but just for a split second she saw how hard he was working to keep up the appearance of being nonchalantly unbothered.

-OG-

"A cyst … what the … I mean, what does that even mean?" She took a deep breath and swallowed hard but the word 'cancer' stayed unspoken.

"It's a very common problem … it's what your doctor suspected and is really nothing for you to worry about Mrs James … or can I call you Molly?"

"Yeah … course … I mean, if you want … but what is it?"

"As I said, it's a tiny collection of fluid on your ovary…"

Molly couldn't remember hearing her say anything like that, she'd heard her say it was a cyst and was common and nothing for her to get het up about, but she hadn't said anything about anything else. Had she? Although admittedly it had been a bit if a struggle getting her head round it. To take it all in. The girl in the white coat who surely wasn't old enough to have left school, had said sorry they'd been kept hanging about, but hadn't sounded sorry at all, had just sounded bored as she tucked a paper cloth into the top of Molly's knickers and had said what her name was. It had simply gone in one ear and out the other. All Molly could hear was the little voice in her own head screaming to please could they just bloody well get with it. Get it over with.

She'd spent weeks being convinced the pain was something sinister and now nothing was making any bloody sense. She couldn't read anything from the expression on Charles' face, no surprises there, he was busy watching Helen or Helena or Helenka or whatever the fuck her bloody name was. She was still looking vaguely bored, as if she was impatient for them to just bloody shove off and let her get on to the next one, but somehow Molly didn't think it was unusual for her to have to repeat herself because people didn't bloody listen, or like her, didn't take it in first time she told them something.

"Are you sure … you know … sure it's nothing … else?"

Helga heaved a big sigh and quickly ran her eyes over the notes. It looked like she was just checking to make sure she hadn't got anything wrong before she turned to Molly with her best professional 'dealing with an idiot' smile pasted on her face.

"Yes, I am … I'm absolutely sure … your own doctor will get a full report of course, but … it really is nothing for you to worry about, ovarian cysts don't usually cause too many problems … only occasionally do you get the sort of pain you've been experiencing … you'll need to go and talk to your own doctor and I'm sure he'll be more than happy to answer any questions and to put your mind at rest … but …most of the time cysts associated with pregnancies, even failed pregnancies…" She stopped and looked over at them, suddenly aware her choice of words might have been very insensitive "Sorry … they just go away on their own so you're not even aware you've had one … your doctor will want to keep an eye on it and you'll be having regular checks to make sure there's no need for treatment … but you really can stop worrying"

-OG-

"Better?"

"Yeah ta, held on so bloody long I couldn't get going and then thought I was never gonna stop … was a bit like an 'orse …" Molly giggled, suddenly everything seemed funny "Made me eyes water 'n all"

"Lovely … but …" He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, before he shook his head and put his hands on her shoulders and then turned her to face him, keeping his hands where they were "You… are … very, very lucky I'm so easy going …."

"YOU?"

"Indeed, and that I'm the forgiving type …. I thought we'd agreed there'd be no more secrets, so why the fuck didn't you tell me about this pain?"

"Oh yeah, that … well, weren't that bad … not really … and seems better now anyway" As she said it Molly realised that the pain that had been scaring her shitless seemed to have miraculously melted away somewhere, which made her feel like she'd been being really stupid, had been letting worry and panic get to her "Yeah, well, okay maybe it was bothering me a bit, but didn't wanna worry you, did I?"

Any vain hope she'd been harbouring that if she said nothing then in the euphoria of finding out she wasn't going to pop her clogs any time soon, Charles might just forget all about the bloody girl shooting her mouth off about pain she'd neglected to mention. She'd been aware of the way the muscles in his back had gone all tight when the girl had said it.

"Molly James … are you listening to me? If you ever do anything like that ever again …" He gulped and swallowed hard "Let me leave you in no doubt that I'll put you over my knee … understood?"

"Yes boss …what … like a bit of fifty shades, d'you mean?"

"No. I. Don't" For some reason he wasn't laughing "Now repeat after me … I …"

"Okay … I …"

"Promise …"

"Promise…" She grinned up at him then giggled, still full of the euphoria of knowing that all that horrible certainty had all turned out to be for absolutely nothing "God you're bossy … can't put me on a charge though, can you?"

"Mores the bloody pity"

"I said I'm sorry …"

"I should bloody think so …"

"Don't be mad at me …"

Suddenly to Molly it seemed light years since almost every waking moment there'd been this horrible niggling worry in her head about how long she'd got before she had to face what she'd been sure was the truth. The more she'd thought about it the worse it had got, and that was true of the pain as well, and even when she'd been rushed off her feet with other stuff and had tried not to think about it, it was bloody there. Eventually it seemed there was no other possible explanation. It wasn't she was being a coward, or at least she didn't think she was, but the thought of what was likely going to happen to her, although bad enough, wasn't as bloody terrifying as the thought of what the fuck was going to happen to the kids. And Charles. Alright he'd cope, she knew that, but even so it would be without her. And now it seemed that all that time spent worrying had been for nothing, well not for nothing exactly, but she was still almost dizzy with relief.

"Of course I'm not mad at you … although no-one would blame me if I was, but you'd better mean it this time and you'd better not have your fingers crossed either Mrs James … I know what you're like … now, shall we go home?"

"Yeah … I 'spose" Molly looked longingly at the café just inside the main entrance, suddenly the idea of a very large cup of tea was incredibly appealing, it didn't feel as if she'd had the patience to sit still long enough to really enjoy a cuppa for ages. Or to sit and eat anything either, and suddenly she very badly wanted a scone or a tea cake or something, a bit of afternoon tea "Do they do stuff to go d'you think?"

"One way to find out …."

They both knew perfectly well they should be on the way home to rescue Penny, it was more than two hours since she'd picked the kids up from school and Molly's guilty conscience told her that the old hag would be tearing her hair out by now. She'd be checking her watch every two minutes. But ten minutes more wasn't going to make much difference, was it? The tea was very hot and very strong and maybe a bit over brewed but it tasted like nectar to Molly and was obviously infinitely better than the pale khaki coloured coffee that Charles described as unspeakably fucking dreadful. The way he said it and the face he pulled when he took a sip had her in further fits of giggles, but even as she laughed she could feel tears of relief prickling at the backs of her eyes. At least she presumed it was relief, there seemed to be a fine line between finding everything fucking hilarious and wanting to put her head down on the table and bawl her bloody eyes out.

"You okay?"

"Yeah … course … why wouldn't I be? … Nah … look, sorry … don't know why I'm being so bloody stupid …" Molly bit her lip and put her head back doing her best to will the tears back to where they'd come from "It's all been a bit rubbish, hasn't it?"

"Yup … certainly has… "

"Scared the bloody shit out of me … all this … I thought it was the end"

"I know you did…" He put a hand on her fingers and tightened them to stop her fiddling with the sugar packs on the table and then turned her hand over and stroked his thumb along the inside of her wrist "You really should have told me, Moll … I can't believe you didn't … why didn't you? And please don't shrug your shoulders"

"I'm not …. Alright maybe I am … I dunno … really … I don't … not sure what it is you want me to say"

"It's not what I want you to say, Molly … I want the truth … I do know how shit things have been the last few months …" He looked down at the table top and then moved both his hands to clasp the cup of undrinkable coffee before he looked back at her "But it's all over and done with now … isn't it?" He paused and raised his eyebrows "You know how sorry I am, don't you?"

"What for? Wasn't your fault, none of it … not even all that crap with bloody whatshername … and I know that if anyone's to blame for all this it's me … I was the one didn't tell you … didn't say … but everything just felt all wrong 'n I s'pose I was waiting for it to sort itself out and then the longer I didn't say, the more wrong it got and I think I knew it wasn't all gonna go away, but…"

"Oh Moll … is it okay now, I mean, are we okay?"

"Yeah … except you heard what she said about them keeping an eye …" Molly stopped, aware that he had no bloody idea what had been going on in her head before all the dramatics. He didn't know how she'd been feeling because why the fuck would he, she hadn't told him, had she?

"I still don't understand how this all happened …" Charles snorted "I thought the pill meant things were under control … but it would seem I got that wrong, and …well, I've given it some thought and I think you're right, it's time I did something about making sure it doesn't happen again …"

"What? You gonna give up having sex then?"

"Yup … smartarse … you know exactly what I'm talking about …"

"Yeah …"

"So … are you sure you're okay now?" He watched as Molly nodded "Then why doesn't it sound like it?"

"Yeah … course I am, I mean I'm over the bleeding moon it's not my turn to be jackpotted … goes without sayin' dunnit?"

"Just a bit" Charles put his hand over hers again where she was back to fiddling with the sugar packs and saw the familiar expression of doubt cross her face "Come on, spit it out, I can hear a but in there somewhere …"

"Nah you can't … yeah alright maybe a bit, it was just before all this …" She waved her hand about "I kept thinking … none of it was how I thought it was going to be … oh I had everything I wanted, you, the kids, got the nice house, even the bloody dog I didn't know I wanted till I got one … but…" Molly pulled a face to acknowledge that he'd been right and there was a but "But the one thing I never wanted was to turn into me mum … I really thought I'd have a proper career and … oh I dunno, don't matter …"

"Yes of course it does … tell me"

"Sometimes I just used to wanna scream and shut the bloody door on it all and run away … and then … well, there was that bloody girl and then Italy and then this and it made me think …" Molly gulped, suddenly the tears that had been trying to escape were trying again, even harder this time. Shit what was wrong with her, she was feeling sorry for herself when she'd just found out there was no reason, and the last thing she wanted was for it to be some sort of "feel sorry for me" shit. And she hadn't been the only one who'd had a hard time, he had as well, all that stuff at work and then having to get things back on track, so her throwing hissy fits over things he couldn't do anything about would have been just plain selfish "I just … felt like I wanted to go back to work … properly … and … to wear a bikini … and" Molly gulped again and swallowed hard "I wanted things to be … different … 'n I didn't want Lady Penelope coming over 'ere for Sam's 18th and looking down her bloody nose at me again …"

"Oh Moll, she's jealous of you"

"Yeah right …why's that then? I know … it's cos I won first prize and got you … is that it?"

"No of course not, you know I didn't mean that … she's jealous because you're you … you're very beautiful and … we've got a wonderful family … and I don't think she's particularly happy, I know she's got what she wanted but nothing ever seems good enough for Rebecca" He took a deep breath and bit his lip "I mean, we are still happy, aren't we?"

"Yeah, most of the time" Molly raised her eyebrows, no-one in their right mind would describe the last few months as being happy.

Trouble was now she'd started telling him it was hard to stop, there was all this stuff he didn't understand, how she'd made a mess of everything. And that even though the sensible bit of her knew it was complete bollocks, that it was a matter of pure chance, a fluke if you like, she hadn't been able to stop thinking all of this had been some sort of payback from Lady Luck for being so bloody ungrateful for what she'd got.

"Are you sure, sounds to me a bit … are you saying you want to leave? Is that it? Come on Moll, help me out here …. I do need to know"

"Nah … course not, I mean … someone asked me once what I'd change if I got the chance to do it over and I told him I'd change it all … and he asked me if that meant I'd still love you … and that is one thing I'd never change… "

"Thank god for that … you had me worried there for a bit"

She was looking down at the pile of sugar packets on the table and had started moving them to make patterns as she bit her lip and then looked up at him with her green eyes full of worry that he was upset. Which he was. But if he was being honest, he'd have to admit it was because he really hadn't had the first idea of how she'd been feeling, except looking back he could remember times when she had tried to tell him. He'd been fucking guilty of taking her for granted and all this had underlined for him just how he felt about her, sitting there in her striped 'T' shirt with an anxious look on her face she didn't look a day older than the day he first met her. She was still the absolute beat of his heart. All he wanted was to make it right, he just wasn't sure how or where to start.

"You know he'll have a heart attack if you turn up for work in a bikini, don't you? And then you'd have to do mouth to mouth and resuscitate him …"

"Don't think so … overweight sleazeballs don't do it for me, never have … funny that, innit?"

"Lovely, what you'd let him die then? Well at least that way I wouldn't have to find him and beat him up"

"Prannet …"

"I know … hey, come on … I hate to say it but we really do need to crack on, the kids will need rescuing by now … God knows what she'll have them doing … they'll be cleaning the fucking silver if we leave her there much longer …" He snorted a laugh down his nose "And she'll have Livvie out of nappies and potty trained by the time we get home"

"Oh good …. What do you reckon? Will another couple of hours do it?" Molly couldn't even get worked up at the thought of what the fuck Penny would have been up to, she'd definitely have been through everything she could lay her bloody mitts on, would have read everything that wasn't actually locked away "And in case you've forgot we 'aven't got any silver …. Anyway, it'll be the other way round, little buggers will be holding her 'ostage … might gonna need to rescue poor Patchey though, he'll be hiding under one of the beds"

"I know the feeling …"

"Oh dear …now you're making me 'eart bleed"

-OG-