His apartment was quiet, suddenly way bigger than she remembered. He closed the door behind them and no one talked. She didn't know what to expect, did he really wanted to talk or not? She was so confused by her own ideas, she kept thinking that he might mean something different from what he really thought and it was driving her crazy. She saw him heading toward the kitchen and she followed him, seeing how he prepared a coffee for both of them, gently handling her the hottest mug.
"So, I wanted to talk to you about something" he started, leaning on the kitchen's counter.
She nodded, feeling her heart beating fast against her chest and she had to lean against the table in order to prevent her legs from shaking and failing her balance. He hadn't even started talking and it already hurt. Whichever his decision was she didn't know if she would have been able to take it.
"I feel like your mood has changed in the last days and I just wanted to know if I did something bad" he continued, trying to look at her.
"Oh, no it's ok. I guess I was just tense about this whole situation of being abroad without any kind of backup" liar, you know exactly what's wrong, you're just scared to admit it.
"Really? Because I feel like you were totally fine when we arrived in Moldova but then after we had sex in my hotel room you changed. Was it something I made? Something I said?" he asked worried.
"Cal it's ok. Nothing changed. I'm ok" she repeated, trying to erase from her mind the fact that he totally understood when her mood changed because he knew her.
"Noting changed? Emily don't lie to me. I think we both know something changed and the biggest example was last night" he answered sure.
"What was last night?" she asked back, looking everywhere but at him.
She knew what it meant for her, she knew things changed, but she wanted to know what changed for him. Even if it would have hurt her.
"You tell me" he didn't want to scare her but she didn't answer.
"Listen. I think we both know this is a turning point so at least let's talk about this and be honest. I can't do this anymore, I don't want to. I need more" he had to be honest.
She looked at him for the first time, did he just say he wanted more? More of what? More for himself or for them in general? Was there a "them" in his words?
"More for yourself? Or..." she was trying to keep her face as emotionless as possible, trying not to break down in front of him.
She heard him take a long breath before opening his mouth, unsure of what to say. Unsure of how to say it.
"Listen I- this relationship that we have, the one we agreed on, I feel like it's starting to be not enough for me. Yes, in what I'm talking about there's a us. I feel like last night was a turning point that made me realize that I want this, whatever this is for you. I can take it slow if you want but as I said I need more. I want more. The truth is that this whole relationship that we have had never felt like something emotionless, not for me. So if you can feel it too please tell me because I can't act like I don't feel anything for you. Not anymore. Like I said we don't have to name it if you're not ready to but please be honest with me" he felt like a big weight just left his heart, he couldn't take this situation anymore.
If she wasn't ready to call it love it was fine for him, but the truth was that he loved her. She looked at him and he could see the fear in her now glossy eyes; he wanted to hug her, tell her everything was fine and let her cry on his shoulder if she had wanted to. But he decided to stay still because he didn't want to confuse her even more and let her process her emotions without any kind of pressure.
"I'm scared" she admitted.
"Of what?" Cal asked her.
"That at some point you'll find out my true self and you'll leave me and I'll be alone and heartbroken once again" she looked down taking a deep breath to calm herself.
"I won't leave you. We all have faults but that doesn't mean I'll leave you. I just want to know if you feel it too. And if you do I'm sure we can make this work, no rush, I promise" he got closer to her, trying to find her eyes.
"Yes, I feel... it... too. But you saw me panic just once, it happens often, when you first came at my place I had almost killed my previous partner, I'm not joking. It was a panic attack and I hurt him. I don't want to hurt you too and I don't want you to leave once you witness my PTSD attacks" she explained.
"I had it too" he admitted.
"What?" she asked confused, looking at him.
"PTSD, I had it too. It's a bit better now but I know how you feel. I know what it feels like to have no control over your body and having your mind racing. I know. I'm here for you if you need me, but watching you get through yours won't change my feelings for you. And to be honest I'm not the purest soul alive neither" he swiped his thumb on her cheek, drying the single silent tear that fell from her eye.
He was there for her, he had always been. He understood her like no one did, even without having talked about personal stuff even once. This was the first time they were opening up about their feelings, their fears and their pasts and she felt like she could tell him everything. Her eyes shifted from his eyes to his shoulder, maybe his scar had something to do with his PTSD, she knew he was in the navy but they never really talked about it.
"I got it in the middle east" he said softly, making her eyes look at him confused.
"The scar. There was a boy, he was just a teenager and I shot him thinking he was the enemy. I tried to save him but his mother run to me and stabbed my shoulder, she gave me the scar. Our boss Amstrong was a fucking monster. He killed the woman and pointed his gun to my friend asking me to choose between saving the boy or saving my friend. And I... saved my friend" it hurt, it hurt him so much talking about it, but it was her, he trusted her.
He took off his shirt slowly, showing her his scar. She had never seen it clearly with his consent, she had just taken a peak of it a few times but somehow the image was clear in her mind. He trusted her enough to talk with her about his past but she knew that he didn't do it to make her talk about hers. He was ok with sharing and, if she had wanted, to listen.
"How did you get through it?" she asked him.
She had tried to see a therapist and it worked for a bit, but then the PTSD continued and she didn't know if it was normal or not.
"I went to therapy, I talked about it with someone who understood me and slowly I built a wall around the monster I thought I was. I'm here for you if you need it and as I told you I won't get scared by your true self, because that's not your true self. You're strong, smart and bit stubborn but so am I" he chuckled, making her smile too.
"But I know you, even if we've known together for a few time I feel like I understand you and somehow you can understand me too. It kinda scares me if I have to be honest but between us I feel like I'm the one not good enough for you. You're the most amazing woman I've ever met" he softly put his fingers under her chin to raise her head.
He looked into her watery eyes, seeing her so vulnerable made his heart ache, he loved her so much. She looked at him confused, did he really thought he was the one who wasn't enough? Him? The nice guy who always made sure she was ok and fine didn't feel enough? She took his hands, intertwining their fingers softly.
"You're everything I could have wished for, even more. I feel something for you and I'm not sure I'm ready to name it just yet, but we can take the feelings part slow. I want this, we can have lunch together tomorrow if you want" she looked down blushing, avoiding his gaze.
"Are you asking me out on a date Byrne?" he joked, making her blush even more.
He cupped her face softly, making her raise her head in order to kiss her lips slowly. They had kissed so many times, but knowing that kiss was the official beginning of something new made both their hearts race. They tasted each other knowing that their relationship was real now, that the kiss they were sharing was something planned and real, not something they had to find a meaning to, not anymore. She let their lips part, taking the hem of her own shirt and taking it off, keeping it in her hands, leaving herself only in her bra. She looked into his eyes and she turned around, giving him a total view of her naked back. The last time he saw her back was in Moldova and she clearly told him to stop looking, but now she was the one showing them to him.
"I don't know how I got them. Everything from those six years is just a blur, but I know that they tortured me, I don't really remember with what but I guess with everything they could. Sharp glass, knives, they even punched me" she took a deep breath, talking about what happened to her was painful, but she trusted him and she felt like she could open up with him like he did with her.
She felt his eyes on her and she had to hold onto the hard table to calm down, leaving her shirt on it. She felt his warm hands on her shoulders, his lips leaving a soft and small kiss on her exposed neck.
"You're beautiful" he whispered in her ear making her shiver.
He started a path of kisses on her skin, laying his lips softly on every single scar on her back, loving every wound on her skin, making her understand that he was there for her, it wasn't supposed to be something sexual, he wasn't trying to turn her on, it was a pure sign of affection.
She turned around in order to look at him but he was still down on his knees, his face in front of her stomach, his eyes looking at the scar on her side.
"I got shot. It was just some weeks after they found me alive. I was investigating on my own and the FBI was searching for me, I got into an open fire and I got hurt. Jack removed the bullet" she explained before feeling him kiss that scar too.
He got back on his feet, laying his hands on the table behind her and trapping Emily in the space between his arms. He helped her sit on the table, positioning himself between her legs; she thought he was gonna kiss her, instead he hugged her tight, feeling their naked chests against each other. Emily laid her head on his shoulder, breathing him in, enjoying his warm embrace. Her head went back to hours before, when he hugged her after she got out safe from the minefield, and she thought she could get used to this. She felt safe, happy and cared, for the first time in a while. She was happy. Since Cal came into her life she knew he was different, even if she didn't want to admit it, every time he wrapped his arms around her, during or out of sex, she felt good and safe.
She raised her head, cupping his face with her hands; she loved running her fingers through his beard. She kissed him softly, wrapping her legs around his torso to bring him near. She took one of his hands, leading it against her back, where her bra hook was, but he pulled it away, putting both of his hands on her hips and picking her up. The sudden movement made her chuckle and she had to wrap her arms around his neck in order to gain stability.
He walked towards his bedroom, laying her carefully on his bed and positioning himself on top of her. Their lips met again, letting his tongue enter her mouth to dance with hers while she tried to kick off her shoes. Once she succeeded in it, her legs wrapped back around his body, pushing him down against her. A soft moan left her throat as she felt his skin against hers, it was crazy how he could turn her on without even trying. His lips were soft against hers and his hands started wondering her body, sending shivers all over her spine.
Her mind went back to the previous night they spent in Moldova, when she didn't know if they would have make it, if someone would have died, if they would have been able to come back home. She opened her eyes, parting their lips and something inside her clicked. She looked up at him, meeting his eyes and she suddenly flipped them, landing on top of him. He kicked off his shoes, bringing both of them in the middle of the bed; his now sitting position allowed him to kiss her exposed neck as her hands went straight to their aim, untucking his belt. He unhooked her bra, throwing it somewhere in the room before kissing her deeply, running his hands on her soft skin, feeling her hard nipples against his chest. He attached his mouth to her neck again, sucking her pulse point and making her moan; he helped her out of her jeans and she did the same, soon finding themselves naked in each others arms. She cupped his face, looking at his lips and she kissed him again, she was unable to keep her mouth off of his. She loved the way he kissed her, slowly and sure, passionately and deeply, showing all the desire he had for her.
She rubbed her body against his, aiming for her want, making him understand her intentions, coating him with her wetness and stimulating both him and her clit at the same time. She didn't have time for anything else now, she needed to feel him, to be filled by him, to be his. He straightened his arm to reach his nightstand, pulling out a condom; she knew she could trust him, but better safe than sorry. But in her head was still stuck the sensation she felt the previous night, with no barriers between them, and she thought she would have liked to feel it again. She raised her hips, locking their eyes as she sank down on him, moaning on his lips. As his hands found her ass she started to ride him hardly, letting their lips collide in a fierce kiss. She had to hold onto his shoulder in order to gain stability, as his hands were spread on her back.
He felt her walls clench around him and he knew she was close, he shifted his hands to her hips, helping her move and meeting her thrusts. She wanted so badly to let go, but at the same time she didn't want it to be over that soon. As he could almost read her mind he met her thrusts harder, making her climax with a deep moan. She arched her back, shaken by pleasure and he took the opportunity to get on top of her. He didn't let her time to recover, he pushed deep inside her and she parted her legs as much as she could, allowing him to take her as he wanted. She soon felt another orgasm approach and she put both her hands on his butt, bringing his body closer to hers as she helped his thrusts.
She was now moaning shamelessly into his ear as they were once again wrapped in a thigh hug. Even though the sounds that were leaving her throat turned him on even more he decided to shut her up by kissing her passionately, taking her mouth with the same desire he took her body. Soon they both reached their climax together and he collapsed on top of her. She was glad that even if their relationship changed, their passion was still there, getting together didn't have to mean that they couldn't fuck like freaks like they were used to; in addition, they had always known they had some kind of natural chemistry. As she tried to catch her breath she found herself running her hand through his hair as his head laid on her chest. It felt amazing and she had been so dumb at pretending she didn't want this, trying to protect her feelings when they were so clear. She wrapped her legs around his torso and her arms around his neck, hugging him tight and making him chuckle.
"What?" he questioned confused laughing.
She looked at him in the eyes smiling, she shook her head and she kissed him, making him chuckle again. She was happy.
After some more cuddling they decided to take a shower together, enjoying an intimate moment that didn't lead to any kind of sexual activities, just innocent touches and long kisses as the hot and relaxing water flowed on them. She had to go see Flynn, she had sent him a message when she lended, telling him she had to take care of something and that she would have met with him soon. After getting dressed she realized that the temperature was now colder and she tried to warm up by rubbing her arms on her shoulders.
"Are you cold?" he questioned, getting ready.
They came to his apartment with his car so he had to drop her off to Nick's house, then she would have returned home by foot, it wasn't that far away, they did it on purpose.
"It's ok, I have a coat in my backpack" that she left in his car, obviously.
"Here, take this" he said, opening his wardrobe and giving her one of his few hoodies.
He helped her wearing it before she could refuse and she soon felt warmth spreading all over her body. It smelled like him and his cologne, now it wasn't that intoxicating anymore, she liked it. The black hoodie was way too big for her but she thought it fitted her style perfectly and he was looking at her like she was the most beautiful goddess he had ever seen.
"What?" she asked raising her eyebrow and smiling, catching him in the act of staring.
"You're so beautiful" he simply answered, making her smile shyly.
"And you're really handsome" she said, laying her hands on his shoulders.
"Yeah a lot of people tell me that" he joked, wrapping his arms around her waist.
"Well tell those people to compliment on someone else" she looked at her hands, faking swiping away some dust from his shoulders.
"Are you jealous?" he asked surprised.
"Look who's talking! Mister I'm not jealous of you flirting with men to get infos, lemme prove my point by fucking you in a bathroom" she joked.
"I didn't hear you complaining about it" he answered back, moving his hands on her ass.
"Feel free to do it again even without being jealous... maybe next time not in a public place tho" she chuckled, making him rise his eyebrow teasingly.
They left his apartment and he dropped her off at Nick's place with the promise to go out for lunch the next day and a soft kiss. What she didn't know was that once she had entered the house her world would have crumbled underneath her feet. She hugged her son and as soon as her eyes met with Nick's she knew something was wrong.
Tommy died. Nick said it clearly. He was still investigating on her case, even after the end of their relationship and now he was dead. She tried to dry her tears as she exited the house, feeling guilty and broken. It was her fault, if Tommy would have stopped investigating and just kept distance from her he wouldn't be dead now. She kept putting people in danger and she was tired of seeing everyone getting hurt for her fault, either by her or from someone else. It was useless to believe that somehow things would change, she was just making a fool of herself trying to find happiness. If being happy would have meant seeing the people near her being hurt, she didn't want it.
Once she got back to her apartment she let free that thought she was trying so hard to avoid to prevent her from crying in public. Cal. She didn't want him to get hurt or killed for her fault, he was the first person that made her happy since she got back but his safety was the thing that mattered the most. She couldn't imagine her life without him, but it would have been better knowing that he was alive and they weren't together instead of not being together because he was dead.