hELLO! I would like to thank VFBFan, PAGET, Linda19, and PettyBabe for the reviews they've been giving me. I was reading the reviews for the last 2 chapters and giggling to myself like a total dork. I hope you're reading this and THANK YOU!

Just a note, this chapter summaries the events that happened in the span of 8-9 weeks.

True to his words, Mark brings brownies and a Burberry package the next day.

The chocolate-y smell had engulfed the whole room, but even that hadn't been enough to rid you of the thoughts from the day before.

I'm pregnant. God was definitely laughing at you.

"Derek? Is something wrong?"

Lying to her was pointless, she could read you as well as you read her. 16 years of commitment would do that to someone.

But watching her go to sleep each night, tired but satisfied with her progress from the day, you decide that Addison deserved just a few moments of peace where her life isn't in chaos, where she could just be happy, even if the impending doom was bound to implode in the near future.

"Just a patient I'm thinking about. Everything's alright, you don't have to worry about anything else,"

Archer insisted on accompanying her to her next rehabilitation session, and so you had 2 hours to meet Meredith and discuss future plans.

She was 11 weeks pregnant, definitely yours, since the both of you were still dating then. She wants to keep it, only Cristina knows. No, she hasn't been taking prenatal vitamins. No, she hasn't found out the baby's sex. No, she dosent expect you to be part of the baby's life, although she wishes for it to be so.

A baby.

Half-you and half-her.

Not the her you desire, but a baby nonetheless.

You couldn't abandon your child, irregardless of the baby's mother. That was your mistake, not his (or hers).

And so you had reached for her hand, undoubtedly smaller than Addison's, across the table and told her that you'll take full responsibility, although what "full responsibility" meant wasn't actually defined.

Turns out, full responsibility meant coaxing Addison to sleep, or occupying her with Mark, or Callie, or Bailey, or whoever was free at that moment when Meredith had a doctor's appointment.

"Sorry I'm late."

Full responsibility was thrusting money to Cristina and begging her to get supplements for your baby.

Addison dosen't suspect a thing each time you disappear for hours, claiming that you had an "emergency patient".

She would ask about it after you return, out of genuine concern, and guilt never fails to overwhelm you each time you fabricate a story to feed her.

You told Mark about the pregnancy, and he had ran his fingers through his hair, just like he did on the day of her accident and asked you what in the world you were planning to do.

"You have to tell her Derek. Or she's going to find out herself." He says.

You used to be the one with your life in check, not Mark. You were supposed to be the responsible one.

Meredith's belly became more and more prominent day by day. And her petite figure wasn't helping in concealing her fuller breasts and rounder hips. She looked as if she was going through puberty all over again.

Also, if nobody's told you about the hormones of pregnant women, GOD. Cristina had called you more times than you would have preferred within the 2 months, demanding you run out to purchase whatever Meredith had been craving. Durian (ew), Fish and Chips with Indian curry (ew), Marshmallows and Clam Chowder Soup (ew). And her temper had been unbearable sometimes although, it's really not her fault.

Addison, on the other hand, was recovering fast. Faster than expected. And seriously, you're supposed to be elated, but your fear of her finding out once she sees Meredith with her burgeoning stomach grows exponentially upon hearing the news. Within the span of 8 weeks she had mastered the ability to stand, though she still needed crutches to walk independently. Yes, crutches. She refused to use walking sticks, claiming that they made her feel old and haggard. Richard had thrusted every assistive device he could find in the hospital in her face, and she rejected each one of them with "Old fashion" or "There's no way in hell I'm using that,"

Tonight, you had told yourself. Tonight you were going to tell Addie about Meredith. You were mentally prepared to brace yourself for whatever vulgarities she was going to curse you with, whatever shoes she was going to hurl at your face and the pain that you knew were going to be etched in her features.

You inhaled deeply before pushing open the door to reveal Addison sitting up and staring out the window.

"Derek.."

She had smiled so widely your heart ached. Only you could elicit such a response from her with just your presence.

You settled down on the couch beside her that had become your bed in the past months, and reached for her hand. You had held her hand more times this year than you had the entire last 3 years of your marriage.

You were still trying to string appropriate words into a sentence when she interrupted your thoughts.

"Do you ever wonder why we've never planned for kids?"

Well, it had been to get through residency together first, then she had her overseas fellowship and god forbid her children not be born and raised in New York, then the both of you had prioritised securing attending statuses in your careers.

By the time the race for chief came, children were pushed into the depths of your mind. You've always wanted children, it just never seemed like the time was right.

"I've always wanted a girl and a boy. Cassius and Caleb."

She smiled before continuing, "Cassius and Caleb Shepherd, and we would call them Cass and Cae for short."

She had planned a life with you. She had seen a life with you, while you ran off to shag some other blonde.

"Our kids would have been beautiful, and they would have the most gorgeous hair in the world," She tangled her fingers through your curly locks at that.

"Addie... what are you really thinking about?"

She turned her head solemnly to the window, the city lights of Seattle reflected within her eyes and you could see the faintest glisten of tears in them.

"You know that I can't have kids right?"

Addison can't have kids?

"I'm infertile. I have 2 eggs left."

Addison can't have kids.

No half-you and half-her scurrying around the backyard with their vibrant red hair and piercing blue eyes. Never.

"And it's just so ironic because look at me! I'm a double board certified NEONATAL specialist. I've held hundreds of babies in my arms, I've gave ultrasounds to hundreds of pregnant women," She paused to look at you again,

"but i'll never get to see Cassius and Caleb in my life,"

Not tonight. Not while she's grieving her loss of the children that never came, and never would come to be.

It didn't matter that Meredith was almost 5 months (20 weeks) pregnant now, and it also didn't matter that Addison had been frequenting the hospital in her crutches more and more, giving opinions and advice to the residents in the NICU, and it also didn't matter that Mark had been threatening you everyday, "Tell her Derek. Or I will."

She was fragile tonight. She has the right to one more night of bliss, one more night of ignorance. She deserved this at the very least.

"I could go get juju if you'd like, would that make you feel better?"

"Juju would be nice."

I've always wondered why Jaddison never seemed to satisfy my relationship wants for Addison. I mean, I LOVE Jake, I adore him, he's perfect for Addie and the best father to Henry. But I just feel like private practice didn't give us enough time to grow on him. We love him because he's a good man, not because we love him as he is with Addison. Addie and Jake didn't go through as much as Addison and Derek went through. There wasn't any huge sacrificial events (except for when he said he would leave Addison if it meant the judge would let her keep Henry), nor was there any major fights they had that showed us how deep their love for each other was. Maybe that's why i'm still a sucker for Addek although technically, Derek is already dead. Sucks to be me.