Chapter 17 – Stay or Go
As Sesshomaru cleared the stairs and turned the corner to head towards Rin's room, his cell phone rang. Stopping in his tracks, Sesshomaru picked it up to see Koga's name.
"Koga, can I call you later? I am a bit busy." Sesshomaru tried not to sound too desperate, but he was itching to find Rin and stop her from leaving.
"I just need a moment, Sesshomaru. It is important."
With a sigh, Sesshomaru leaned back against the wall and waited for Koga to share.
"I looked into Kikyo, just like you asked after the night at the Art Show. I think she has been in contact with Naraku. I have her phone records and one of the numbers she has called is connected to Hakudoshi's cell phone, Naraku's son. However, he was dead long before these conversations occurred. Evidence would conclude that Naraku is using his son's cellphone to make whatever shady calls he has needed."
Sesshomaru felt his shoulders tense at the news. "So, Kikyo could be the Miko who supplied Naraku and whoever works for him with the chains and powder that was laced with anti demonic properties. She made some off-hand comments about Kagome and Rin at the show that did hint at her knowledge and involvement."
Koga grunted his agreement. "The issue is that none of this is enough for a warrant. Everything we have said is speculation. Hakudoshi's phone could have been taken or given to someone else, I have no proof that Naraku is or was using it. Without the warrant, I can't search her home for other clues. I am sorry."
Rubbing his eyes Sesshomaru sighed, "It isn't your fault Koga. I don't want you breaking the law and losing your job because of it. If it isn't' too much, could you talk to Kagura? Kikyo said something about buying new lingerie from her shop. Maybe she overheard something, though it is a long shot."
"No problem. I will head over there as soon as I have finished this one file I have on my desk. Be patient, they will slip up soon, and we will be there waiting to catch them." Koga's voice held reassurance.
"Thanks, keep me informed."
They said their goodbyes and Sesshomaru took a moment to clear his mind so he could focus on Rin. He didn't want his frustration towards the new knowledge about Kikyo to influence how he spoke to his future mate and wife.
Future mate and wife.
Sesshomaru couldn't help smiling to himself, he liked the sound of those titles for Rin. The darkness in the back of his mind had become overshadowed by his fear of losing contact with Rin.
Continuing down the hall, Sesshomaru opened the door of Rin's room without knocking. He was met with a sight that made his heart ache.
Rin was kneeling on the ground with a suitcase in front of her and she was in the middle of folding a shirt when Sesshomaru barged in. Her eyes met his and widened in shock.
Sesshomaru could see that Rin had been crying. Her eyes were red-rimmed, her cheeks and nose also had a red hue, and when her eyes caught his, a few more tears slipped down her face.
"Sesshomaru," Rin whispered, and the shirt she was holding dropped to the ground before the suitcase.
Rin was trying her best to keep her emotions in tacked but was failing miserably. The last time she had seen Sesshomaru was when he was dying in her arms and bleeding out. Yet, there he stood in his demonic glory, all healed and not a drop of blood on him.
Slowly, Rin got to her feet not breaking eye contact with him.
"Rin, you are finally awake," Sesshomaru's voice came out soft as well, though he wasn't sure why they were being quiet. Maybe it was because neither had expected to see each other again after the incident at the shelter.
"Are you okay?" She asked with a thick voice. Sesshomaru couldn't help but smile at her worry.
"I am perfectly well. My father and Inuyasha got to us just in time."
Rin only nodded and wrapped her arms around her middle. She tended to do that when she was holding back her emotions in almost a physical sense.
"I'm glad."
Sesshomaru hated this. She was hiding what she was truly feeling. Rin was not saying everything she wanted to say. Sesshomaru believed that he knew her pretty well now. If she wasn't so insecure at the moment, she would have run straight into his arms and cried on his chest in relief that they were both okay. Rin would then hit him in retaliation for scaring the shit out of her and putting his life at risk.
However, Rin was subdued and almost resigned to what the future would hold. She was truly convinced that Sesshomaru wanted her to go. He should be pissed, but honestly, he hadn't really shown her how much he now cared. One kiss on New Years or a present at Christmas doesn't really present his feelings. Especially someone of his unemotional caliber.
"What are you doing, Rin?" Sesshomaru wanted to get the ball rolling.
Rin finally broke the eye contact between them and looked down at her suitcase. "I am just packing what I came here with, along with a few things that I have purchased since I moved in. Shippo is coming in an hour to pick me up."
"And where do you think you are going?" Sesshomaru tried not to smirk but failed. He knew that Rin would take the facial change the wrong way, but he couldn't resist messing with her.
Rin saw the smirk on his face and did indeed think he was feeling elated that he was free of her. "I'm leaving," Rin said indignantly.
"Why?"
Rin's shoulders slumped in pain and sadness. He really wanted her to spell it out. Did he really have to be cruel in this moment and revert to his old self.
"Must I really say it, Sesshomaru. It is pretty clear." Rin tried, but had a feeling it wouldn't work.
Sesshomaru knew he should stop but he had to understand what Rin truly thought before he smashed it to pieces. "Yes, Rin. Why are you leaving?"
His smug tone hit something in the back of Rin's mind, and all of a sudden, the sadness was gone, and rage filled its place.
"I am leaving because it is what you want, Sesshomaru. The contract is over, and the seal is gone. Congratulations by the way. I would like to believe that you had no clue that your actions at the shelter would break the seal, but now that I see you in person, I think you truly did. Sesshomaru Taisho wouldn't step in front of a bullet for a human, not without an external motivator. Either way, the sham of a marriage is over. You are free of me and my humanity, and there is no longer a reason for you to put on an act. I have appreciated how you have treated me since Christmas, it almost convinced me that you had changed even slightly. Now, you want me gone, so that is what I am doing. Shippo is going to let me stay with him and Kirara until I figure out my next move. Don't worry, you won't see me much anymore. I will be around for the next few weeks as I put the final touches on the garden for Toga and Izayoi, but then I am gone."
Rin's voice cut through the silence and vastness of the room and Sesshomaru found himself shocked by her sudden anger but was secretly proud. There was the Rin he was missing. The feisty and confident human woman that captured his heart and showed him another way of thinking.
"I didn't realize that I told you to leave," Sesshomaru stated taking a step forward. "I also didn't realize that I wanted you gone now that the contract is over, and the marriage is annulled." He stepped again.
Rin became flustered by not only his words but his gaining proximity. So, as he stepped forward, she moved back.
"I didn't realize that the affection I showed you since the Winter Ball was fake, or that my gifts were only to hold you under an illusion. It seems that you know me better than I know myself." His voice dripped with sarcasm and a hint of aggression.
"I—I don't un—understand, what are you saying Sesshomaru?" Her voice came out is almost a whimper at the emotion that seemed to be swirling in her eyes and mind.
Sesshomaru stopped for a moment, knowing that he was pushing her too far. She truly believed everything she had said, and he was pushing her away with his words and actions. Taking a deep breath, he locked eyes with Rin once again.
"Let me tell you what I truly didn't realize, and then we can compare notes."
Both human and demon stood stock still with anticipation. Sesshomaru was riddled with nerves. Never in his life had he ever uttered the words he was about to. It made him uncomfortable, anxious, and unbalanced. If he had his way, he would have simply moved on and assume that Rin knew how he truly felt.
However, that wasn't the case. He had to confess and share his most vulnerable self in order to prove to Rin that he didn't want her to leave. Sesshomaru was going to need a serious drink after this.
"I didn't realize that a short young human female could have the strength to stand up to a powerful demon like myself. I didn't realize I could feel guilt after my prejudice and ignorance got another hurt. I didn't think I could respect humans or look past the end of my own judgements. I didn't realize I enjoyed being around children no matter their species."
With every sentence, Sesshomaru stepped closer to Rin.
"I didn't realize that the woman standing in front of me would shatter my beliefs and morals and show me the error of my ways. I didn't think that I would ever have a desire to protect and cherish said woman. I didn't know that I would do and give anything to see her smile every day, like she doesn't have a care in the world. I didn't realize that I would desire to hold her in my arms and kiss her senseless every day until my last day."
Sesshomaru now stood inches from Rin. She had to tilt her head back to maintain the intense eye contact that Sesshomaru provided, and he hunched over at the waist and placed one hand on the wall behind her head, and another cupping Rin's cheek.
"I don't like being vulnerable, Rin. I don't like sharing my emotions. I feel unbalanced, out of control, and anxious. Everything in the back of my mind wants me to let you think the negative thoughts you just shared, and let you walk out of my life. Yet, if you do, I don't think I could take the pain radiating in my chest at the idea of you absent from my life. You have changed everything for me. My thoughts, beliefs, values, morals; everything. You taught me humility, forgiveness, and kindness. I may have attempted to ignore what was growing, but before I even realized it, you were a permanent feature in my mind and soul."
Rin let out a gasp that sounded more like a sob before she clasped a hand over her mouth to try to contain herself. Sesshomaru lowered his hands from the wall and her face before taking two steps back, to give her some breathing room.
"I haven't given you much reason to believe my words, but I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for not telling and showing you how I felt sooner. I hope that you will stay at least for a few days and consider what I have said."
Sesshomaru began to retreat from the room, knowing that Rin needed her space. Before he left, he turned back to look at the woman who thawed his heart.
"I want you to stay, Rin. I want you to be mine. I want you as my other half; my significant other, my lover, my wife, and my mate. Not right away, I know that I need to court you and show you how much you mean to me before that can happen, but that is what I want. Think about it, and then come see me when you are ready."
Sesshomaru stepped out of the room and gently closed the door. As he turned to move towards his room, Sesshomaru turned his head and saw his entire family standing a few feet away. Toga, Izayoi, Kagome, and Inuyasha stood close to each other. The women had their hands clasped tightly together.
They had heard everything that Sesshomaru had said.
Mother Fucker.
"If any of you say one word ever about what you just heard while eavesdropping, I will sever the head from your body," Sesshomaru's words were quiet, harsh, and brutally honest.
Almost comically, all four nodded their heads at the same time before slowly backing away down the hallway. Shaking his head, Sesshomaru moved into his room and pressed his back to the closed door.
He had said everything in his heart. He wasn't a romantic, or some great speaker, but he could only hope that Rin heard his sincerity.
Pushing off the bedroom door, he felt the need to run. Once out on the balcony, Sesshomaru leapt into the sky and flew towards the acres of forest that Toga had purchased hundreds of years ago. Shifting into his full demon form, Sesshomaru sprinted through the trees and felt for the first time in months, a sense of freedom and purpose.
Rin slid down her wall and brought her knees to her chest. For several long minutes, Rin sobbed on her knees as she wrapped her arms around her legs as tight as possible. If she was being honest, Rin wasn't sure why she was sobbing. Her emotions were on the fritz. She began crying because of the knowledge she had that Sesshomaru wanted her gone from his life now that he was free of the marriage, seal, and contract. Then she cried over his incredibly emotional and intense words. Now, crumbled on the floor unable to control her bawling, she couldn't conclude if her tears were of happiness or sadness. Rin was a wreck.
Slowly, the tears stopped, and Rin worked to take deep breaths. As her heartbeat slowed, her mind picked up speed.
"I didn't realize that the woman standing in front of me would shatter my beliefs and morals and show me the error of my ways."
Sesshomaru truly had changed. Rin never doubted it. She had seen how he was around the children at the orphanage. She had even seen it briefly at the homeless shelter. His attitude was different after so many nights at the vet clinic too. He didn't try to throw his power around, though he couldn't, being in human form. Sesshomaru learned a gentler side of himself.
"I didn't know that I would do and give anything to see her smile everyday like she doesn't have a care in the world."
Rin had also known, deep in her mind, that Sesshomaru cared for her. If he didn't, he wouldn't have done so many of the things he did for her. From healing the spider scar and standing up for her against Naraku, to taking her to his favorite restaurant and showing his full demon form. Those different events showed his kind and caring nature. They had become friends, to an extent. However, there were other events that made Rin's stomach flutter.
"I didn't realize that I would desire to hold her in my arms and kiss her senseless every day until my last day."
His kiss. Kami he was an excellent kisser. The memory of New Years flitted into her thoughts and she pressed a shaking hand to her lips. It had been electric, addicting, and all-consuming. The way Sesshomaru's hands had cupped her face, waist, and back. The trails of fire he left behind as his grip slid over her body. And his taste, Kami, all masculine and completely Sesshomaru. The fact that he stood in front of her not too long ago telling her that he wanted to kiss her forever was enough to make her heart and thighs clench in heat and anticipation.
"Everything in the back of my mind wants me to let you think the negative thoughts you just shared, and let you walk out of my life. Yet, if you do, I don't think I could take the pain radiating in my chest at the idea of you absent from my life."
His words were so haunting and sincere. Rin had never heard Sesshomaru speak that way. Yes, he shared parts of himself with her, but never the deeper feelings that he confessed. Rin wanted for just a moment to think that he was playing her, but a fool could see that everything he was saying was the truth.
"I want you to stay, Rin. I want you to be mine. I want you as my other half; my significant other, my lover, my wife, and my mate. Not right away, I know that I need to court you and show you how much you mean to me before that can happen, but that is what I want. Think about it, and then come see me when you are ready."
Sesshomaru wanted her to stay in his life.
No.
Not just in his life. But to be his. His other half.
Rin placed both of her hands on her face as a blush crept up her neck. Never did she think that Sesshomaru would actually want her that way. She wanted him desperately, but to hear that her feelings were reciprocated. Unreal.
Her thoughts were cut short by a knock on her door. At first Rin didn't hear it, but after a few louder knocks, Rin looked up to see Shippo cautiously stepping into the room.
How long had she been sitting on the floor? Rin made eye contact with her best friend and watched as deep concern filtered over Shippo's face.
"Oh Rin! What happened? Are you okay?" He spoke a mile a minute as he quickly approached Rin who still hadn't moved off the floor.
Kneeling down in front of her, Shippo placed the back of his hand on her forehead.
"Are you feeling okay?"
Rin couldn't stop a small smile from appearing on her lips. "I'm okay Shippo. Just emotional. Could you help me up? I think I have been sitting here long enough."
Gingerly, Shippo picked Rin up bridal style and moved to place her on her bed. Rin attempted to protest that she could walk, but the look on Shippo's face stopped her mid-word.
Once she was comfortable, Shippo sat on the edge of the bed and stared at Rin intently.
"What is going on, Rin? Talk to me. I haven't seen you this emotional in a very long time. Did Sesshomaru say something to you? Kagome filled me in on what happened. I'll kill him if he hurt you." Shippo puffed out his chest in protectiveness and Rin couldn't help but breathe out a chuckle.
"No, Shippo, Sesshomaru didn't hurt me. I thought he was going to, when I saw him not too long ago, however, the exact opposite happened."
The fox demon tilted his head in confusion. Rin looked away and a blush brushed her cheeks.
"Sesshomaru has feelings for me, and he wants me to stay." Rin's voice was so quiet that Shippo had to strain even his demon hearing to listen.
As soon as the words registered, Shippo moved faster than a blink. He hoisted Rin off her bed, into the air, and spun her around in excitement.
"Kami, Rin! That is amazing! I hoped he had feelings. I can't believe it. You must be so happy!"
Rin had no choice but to hold on and laugh aloud at her friend's antics.
"Put me down, you dork, before you kill me," Rin giggled attempting to hit Shippo.
"I'm sorry Rin, but you have been so worried about his emotions and you sounded so dreadful on the phone, I had begun to think the worst. Then when Kagome gave me the rundown of what happened with the contract, I didn't know what to believe."
Rin smiled and sat back down on the bed. "I couldn't believe it either, at first. Sesshomaru knew it too. It was almost as if he wanted me to call him out. But then he said the sweetest words and confessed his feelings. It took me awhile to comprehend what he had said."
"That was why I found you on the floor. You were still going over his words in your mind?" Shippo sat down beside her.
Nodding, Rin tilted her body to rest against Shippo's. "He left to give me space. Sesshomaru wants me to go to him when I have decided what I want, now that I know his sentiments."
The two sat quietly for a few minutes. A passerby could look at them and see an intimate moment happening, however, they would be very wrong. To Shippo, Rin was a sister he never had. She had been his best friend since before he could remember. Not once did he ever have feelings for her outside of familial affection and compassion. It was likewise for Rin. Shippo was the brother who filled the void that her blood-brother left behind.
"You aren't coming with me, are you?" Shippo finally broke the silence.
"No." Rin didn't even hesitate. "I have to see where this leads. I believe Sesshomaru's words. I will regret it forever if I don't at least try to see what we would be like if we were more romantically involved."
Shippo moved to stand in front of Rin with a smile. "Good. I support you wholeheartedly. However, I will be keeping an eye on Sesshomaru to make sure he doesn't hurt you. He has one chance and then I am taking you out of here. Got it?"
Rin laughed at Shippo's attempt to be tough. "I agree to those terms, Shippo. Thank you." Rin looked into Shippo's eyes to try to convey her gratitude.
"Truly Shippo, thank you. Your support and your friendship mean everything to me. I wouldn't be who I am today without you."
Shippo's eyes glassed over before he pulled Rin into a large tight hug. "Oh Rin, don't make me cry! It isn't manly or tough at all."
The two laughed and pulled apart.
"Do you want help unpacking? Kirara isn't expecting us home for another two hours, so I am all yours." Shippo stated looking at the mess that Rin had made on the floor.
"I appreciate that, but I will do it alone. I need to think and plan what I am going to say to Sesshomaru, and that requires a lot of concentration."
"Alright, if you need me at all, call me. Even if you don't, call me anyway. I want a full report tomorrow." Shippo began to walk towards the door to leave.
Rin tilted her head in confusion. "Why would I call you tomorrow? I will probably call you later tonight with what happened."
It was Shippo's turn to laugh. "Now now, Rin. If you go into his room and confess your love for him, you aren't leaving said room until the morning or maybe early afternoon. It all depends on his stamina."
It took Rin a minute too long to realize what Shippo was insinuating, but as soon as it became clear in her mind, a blush crept out of the neck of her shirt and up her face.
"Shippo?! What is wrong with you. I am not going to sleep with Sesshomaru just because we now have feelings for each other," Rin sputtered attempting to calm her nerves.
"If you say so. I mean, if you want to wait, Sesshomaru will understand. But you also need to understand that Dog Demons are very possessive and passionate creatures when it comes to their significant other. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't at least try." Shippo's tone was so serious and factual, that Rin knew he wasn't messing around.
"But, but I-I don't know if I am ready for that. I mean, I just found out his feelings. Shouldn't we, I don't know, go on a few dates first?" She hated how lame she sounded.
"If that is what you want, Rin. Then Sesshomaru will do it. I do trust that Sesshomaru won't push you farther than you wish to go. However, I will leave you with this thought. You and Sesshomaru haven't just met. You have known each other and interacted with each other for over half a year now. Yes, there is still a lot you can learn about each other, but does that have to happen before sex? Personally, I think you know enough about him to feel comfortable, but you have to be the one to decide, Rin. Sesshomaru knows your past, and how nervous you are for such an act, but if it feels right, go for it."
Shippo didn't wait for a response, and Rin stood in the middle of her room surrounded by clothes with her mouth gaped open.
Shippo's words made sense to Rin. She and Sesshomaru weren't strangers, but was she ready for that type of intimacy? Rin thought about the night that he had erased her spider scar from her back. She had been so turned on by his touch, even though she had been terrified at the same time. When Sesshomaru had kissed her at New Years, she would have given herself to him without hesitation.
Then a deeper thought blocked her growing excitement.
"You taste so good, human. Especially your tits. Lord Sesshomaru will be pleased with this information." A mouth descended with teeth extended . . .
Rin quickly shook her head to rid herself of that memory. Could she truly let herself be with Sesshomaru? Could she keep her past in its proper place, or would it invade her mind and stop her in her tracks?
Rin slowly moved to clean up the mess of clothes at her feet, all the while, thinking about what she would say to Sesshomaru and if she was willing and ready for that intimate step with the dog demon that captured her heart.