Grace walked slowly towards her father's office. She had to talk to her Dad. She chose that moment because her little brother was now having a nap and he was too little to know what was happening.
She had never been nervous about approaching her dad, not even in his office, because all he ever did in there was read his newspaper and fill out the crossword wrong. That was why they had two subscriptions to one paper, so mom could do the crossword correctly.
But when she knocked at his door, she was nervous for a completely different reason.
"Come on in." She heard from the other side, so she opened the door.
There sat her father on the leather comfortable computer chair at his desk. She saw his leg swinging back and forth on the floor, swivelling him on the spot before he turned fully to face her.
He wore his glasses when he read now. He claimed to look like a nerd, but her mother always kissed him lightly and claimed 'maybe, but you're my nerd.' Which made his face light up and his face less serious. It was funny because all she could see was her daddy.
He looked at her now, his white hair a little longer than he used to wear in the military and a smile which lit up her little heart. "Gracie," he greeted her, taking off his glasses and leaving them on the desk. "Why did you need to knock?"
Grace held on to her little Air Force Teddy bear a little tighter and put on her 'Carter' face (that was the name dad gave it whenever she talked seriously because he claimed she looked just like her mom). "I wanted to ask you something."
"Okay." He said his interest piqued, his paper put on the computer desk beside him, as he gestured to her to come closer. "What's wrong?"
Grace did not move from her spot as she stood in front of her father's desk. "You told us once that you only met mommy after Charlie died, and that you never would have met if he lived." She started. Her little white teeth bit on her bottom lip just the same way her mother did when she was worried.
Noticing his daughter's reaction, Jack stopped swivelling in his chair and directed his full attention to his daughter. At that moment, he realized something was not right and he answered slowly. "Yes, that's right."
"And that you wudda done anything to see Charlie live."
"Yes." He agreed again, not sure where this conversation was going.
"But I've been thinking… if Charlie had lived you never would have met mommy-" she started to say, her little throat choking up "-so does that mean you'd rather have Charlie than us?"
Jack's face dropped out of concern for his daughter. His whole body lurched forward out of his chair and ran to kneel in front of her and tried to hold her who was resisting him. "Gracie, no! I'd never ever ever want to give you up!" He told her as he was finally able to wrap her in his arms, but her body remained rigid, uncertain of his answer.
"But if you hadn't had lost Charlie-" she blubbered, as she rationalized her thoughts. "You wouldn't want us anymore."
"Hey, hey hey don't think that!" He whispered to her, his voice thick with unchecked emotion. "Please don't think like that, baby girl."
He picked her up despite his protesting knees clicking and settled her in his lap as they sat back in his chair, her arms finally wrapped tightly around his neck.
All of a sudden Gracie's words tumbled out as she continued to sob. "Alex at school said her daddy had a baby with someone else before she was born and that her mommy said her daddy always paid his first family before them because he loved them more. And it got me thinking maybe if Charlie hadn't died, maybe you might have stayed with Aunt Sarah and you never would have met mom or loved her and you'd still have him and not us and maybe you'd prefer that."
Jack's mind boggled for a moment that his 9-year-old daughter seemed to have a better grasp on the matter than he did. He stroked her hair gently as he tried to comfort his little girl. Despite inheriting Carter's brains and his looks, he suddenly realized she also inherited both her parents' insecurities.
"You know back then before I met your mom, I took so much for granted. I had it. All I ever wanted! A wife and a great kid, but the truth was I didn't know what I had until I lost both of them. I took it as if it were rightfully mine. Looking back now, I thought that my happiness isn't only tainted with your brother's death, but with my outlook on it. I never should have taken it for granted. I learned that lesson in a very powerful and painful way." He kissed the top of her head, as he cuddled her in his arms.
"But do you know what it means now, Grace? I have this incredible second chance with an incredible beautiful woman and extraordinary kids and it makes me appreciate what it is I have with you and your brother, and with your mom. You are my family. My incredible second chance and I promise you that I'm not going to mess it up this time." He kissed the top of her head. "Of course, I'd rather not have lost Charlie. I love him, and I miss him every day. But through losing him, through all that pain and depression, to come out the other side, I do know now how fortunate I am to have you three. You are my life. My reason for being! Oh, Gracie I can't help it but know that this is all I ever wanted, and I really get to feel it this time. Sometimes you can only know the joy through knowing the pain too. There aren't enough words in the world that describe how much I love you and your brother and your mom and that I never want to be without any of you."
"You love us?" She looked up into his eyes, her eyes earnest and, damn it, so big and blue he swore it was her mother pleading with him, 'please Jack', he knew he had no choice but to comply.
"With all that I am, there is nothing I wouldn't do for you." He told her.
She launched her body forward, wrapping her arms around his neck too. "I love you, daddy." She said weakly.
He squeezed her a little tighter and whispered, "I love you too, Grace."
"So, the answer is both. You'd rather have all of us and go through it all?" She asked him.
"If it meant I got to be here with you now, loving you just like this, I'd do it all again." He assured her. Unconsciously he hugged her closer to him. He kissed the top of his as his own tears silently fell. "Gracie, you and your mom and your brother are my world."
They stayed in his chair, holding each other tight. This was how Carter found them when she got home from work later that day. She stood at the door of his office with a concerned look on her face and a slightly sleepy Jake in her arms. He gave her his 'Jack' smile and mouthed "I love you so much." Silently she walked over and lowered Jake to sit on Jack's lap before wrapping both arms around her husband, the love of her life, and their children.